I've heard this a lot and...

[Spotty01]

...I'm wondering what everyone else's opinion regarding this is.

What I'm talking about is some people saying, "You're not really friends with people on the other side of your screen." Their words, not mine. What they mean, presumably, is that, whether you've been talking to someone online for years, you can't really call them a "friend" until you meet them in real life, because you don't know who they really are and you may not have even seen their face before.

Now I, for one, strongly disagree with that sentiment. Some of the best people, as well as some of the worst, I've ever met have been online. Ever since I made an account here and started interacting with the other users and making posts and such, I've met some great people that I'd gladly call friends, whether they're, at the end of the day, strangers on the other side of my screen that I may never see or meet in my life. I've even heard stories about people meeting their eventual husbands/wives, boyfriends/girlfriends, fiancées, etc. through the Internet and getting together with them IRL at some point and forming a much stronger bond with them because of that. While I don't think I'll ever see myself doing something like that, it's just further proof that you can have friends and very real relationships through the Internet, whether you've met them or not.

The point being, I've heard a lot of people (most prominently, my former teachers and, recently, the woman running a local ASD support group) say the aforementioned quote: you can't have real friends over the Internet. I used to think that way myself... until I had a more prominent online social life. I'm wondering what you guys and gals think of that.

Do you feel like your friends online aren't really "friends" because you've never seen or met them? Or are those relationships still just as real and just as strong as they would be in person? Have you heard anyone say the aforementioned quote or known anyone who has that opinion regarding the matter?

And now, I do what I do best: await responses.

 

[Chance]

Maybe I'm foolish but if a person is there for you be it online, on the phone, or in person... They care for you. That makes them a friend in my Autistic mind. I also believe that if we lift others up they would want to call us their friend regardless of how we interact. Shoot in person I don't say anything so that just kind of sucks for me anyway. Online is real... there is another person at the other end. Like I said, its probably foolish, but I do think people care and people would call caring people their friend regardless of the mode of communication.

 

[Spotty01]

Maybe I'm foolish but if a person is there for you be it online, on the phone, or in person... They care for you. That makes them a friend in my Autistic mind. I also believe that if we lift others up they would want to call us their friend regardless of how we interact. Shoot in person I don't say anything so that just kind of sucks for me anyway. Online is real... there is another person at the other end. Like I said, its probably foolish, but I do think people care and people would call caring people their friend regardless of the mode of communication.

You are spot on, Chance. I don't think what you said is foolish because you're exactly right. It's not like we're talking to Cleverbot or something on here, and if someone is nice to you, is there for you when you need them, and acts like a friend to you, then that's what they are, on the other side of the screen or not.

 

[Inator]

(I'm a little slow, sorry for bad engrish)
On internet, you find all kind of stuff, sometimes very good, and sometimes rotten bad; behavior control is -almost- unnecessary, what matters the most instead seems to be 'how and what you do'.
As a result, it's a place where our minds could feel freeier than in real life, regardless varying grammar/reading comprehension between users. You can find any kind of person, including but not limited to the "hidden" ones, usual NTs, etc.
I am convinced that, regardless the apparent contrary, people act comparatively more "real" on internet than real life (EXCEPT in formal talk). The way words are arranged says a lot from the person as well, and it's not too hard to understand with enough practice.

With that point in mind, I therefore believe "you can't have real friends over the Internet" is completely wrong. For the most part, my online friends have done a lot of good and better things to me than any real-life friend I had so far. Something in my heart says that it's not unreal, it's a much different vibe. Without any people in this town sharing similar interests to mine, if I didn't spent on Internet I'd feel lonely beyond insanity. If the intention exists, it's always possible to organize meet-ups, even if happens to be internationally. The feeling and goal for visiting someone you care or love more than yet-known average people, do increase the mood. And personally, the drive was high enough it made the "saving money" part a lot more bearable. With good mood anything is possible =X. Doesn't matter the method

 

[Tyrantus1212]

When the person on the other end of the screen is genuine, then of course they can be considered a friend. If my best interests are in their hearts, they're most certainly a friend. This is the first community that I've been a member of where I felt right at home and I've made quite a few friends on here through the chatroom. People are just so nice and kind here, and I've received so much good advice from these wonderful folks, starting with the fact that Asperger's is not a disability. I'm still fairly new to this, I've only been diagnosed with it a couple of months ago (not formally though), although I have been struggling my whole life. So many people on here share common struggles, myself included - and I can be a friend to them myself by sharing my experiences and providing whatever help I can based on those experiences.

 

[Alaska]

I have to say that I agree that real friendships online are possible. I do not know if it will make a difference to know that one more person agrees about this, but I hope so. It does make me feel better on this site.

It makes me feel better to concentrate on what I find in life that is good. When people try to make you feel bad about finding friends who care about you on a place like this site, you can tell them to stop it. Then you can enjoy the friendships you find here.

I think it is also good to do the best you can to get some friends that you can see face to face once in a while. Both online and offline is better.

 

[SusanLR]

I've heard the opinion someone you don't even know or ever met can't be a friend. I heard that from my Mom. She just couldn't see it. But, the person I am living with now is just the opposite. He said it sounds like you have a good little group of people there and you are happy with your nightly sharing and chats.
I think we feel very comfortable and open here sharing our experiences and hoping that will help others somehow. So yes, I call that friends. I agree it is good to have some people to interact with in life too. That is a whole different experience. It's great to have both.

 

[Suzanne]

I get: they are not real people. And I laugh and say: well that makes me not real then and that tends to shut up any more comments.

I too, have found some very good people online, who I have known for years. Never seen them, but I know they are authentic, just as I am. People in life,, who do not frequent the internet as I do, I find are frightening to be around.

There is a uniqueness with online friends, that I never find in person. I have never had anyone pretending to be anything they are not.

Oh and my husband says: why can't you make REAL friends; those on the internet are not REAL friends. That to me, is an interesting remark, because in fact, someone who makes friends easily, will say that they have a friend they can open their heart up to and a friend, who they can trust with what ever and a friend who they can have a good laugh with. I just happen to find online friends easier to deal with, than any potential real life friends.

 

[xudo]

I met my husband online We met on MySpace (for anyone too young to remember that, it was kind of like Facebook) and we would message each other, then moved on to chatting on MSN and then eventually met. Been together nearly 11 years!

 

[Chance]

I truly think on here at Aspie Central, this place is as real as it gets, and for a real purpose. It is this place where we can be real and can let stuff out, and can support each other in ways no one else anywhere can, in person or not.

I'm never saying all online interaction is the best, or even safe. I am just thankful for sites like this where we can interact, and learn, and share with each other... thats friends in any description no matter the place.

Its this place that gets me our of my head and gets me thinking and makes me feel thankful that I'm not near as alone as I feel. NT's don't get us... Hell I don't get me most the time, but we are people and we have needs and wants and sometimes we just need to find our way to express ourselves and this is one of the very best ways I know of.

 

[Bella Pines]

"You're not really friends with people on the other side of your screen."

Disagree. For several reasons.

Firstly, I work remotely, with NY, mumbai, Budapest and Montreal. I worked with my counterpart in NY closely for 5 years. We were working online together during long nights, fixing problems and then finally met. It was REALLY weird for about an hour, then we clicked and picked off where we left off. This was simply a continuation of a long friendship.

Secondly, meeting in person is just not how society works anymore. It's like saying you can only learn from books in a library. These statements were valid before Wikipedia but are no longer the case.

Thirdly, if anything online is more honest. The people I know in person think I am a kind, caring and sociable person. They couldn't be more wrong! Gee if I told everyone I work with that I had been faking my smile for 10 years they would have me committed!

So that statement may have been true 20 years ago but just like internet privacy laws, needs an update.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

My best educated guess based on the makeup of this forum is the majority of persons here are introverts. So, if they feel they can communicate better or be more themselves through writing, and express better with more clarity this way, as it comes more naturally and they can take their time doing so, then what they write seems to be more reflective on who they are.

For those with social anxieties or less social skills, what you see on the surface and through vocal words often does not adequately show what that person thinks and feels, and it may be harder thus to show true friendliness in as many of those other ways. When persons feel more pressure, rushed or feel more judged through in person talks, they are more apt to do less or be someone they are not.

Online, persons can be more themselves, as there is no pressure to meet. Yes, there can be some who lie and deceive through online communications, too, both girls and boys, men and women, but often the truth comes out eventually the more they write. It's easier to lie in one message or post, but for those who write frequently, what you see is often a good indicator of what they think and feel, and who they are.

Obviously, it may be easier to be friends with persons who share much about themselves, than with those who show just one side, so if this needs to be accomplished through writing, so be it. My wife and I spent a few hours daily talking to each other online, for a year before we met. Although it took a few meetings before we were totally relaxed in person, it was as if we were still talking online when we were face to face. Yes, the words were a bit less early on during meetings, but dating soon followed.

We were never into social media sites though. We felt lots of those persons thought they had many friends, but they did not. We were on an online writing group together and learned from each other much there too, during many months before resorting to emails, and private messaging. I had many friends that way, but for I and my future wife, as we communicated so much daily, and had complimentary issues and abilities, we decided to have the friendship lead to a dating relationship.

After extended-stay monthly visits at her place four hours away in Canada, for over about a year and a half duration, then we discussed marriage. As her mom was driving us insane though regarding her treatment of us, every time I visited, with her criticisms and superiority complex and upper class attitude, one night we secretly packed my then girlfriends belongings, left that fancy condominium for the last time, after a note was left, and relocated her to live with me. Weeks later we were married, at a beautiful garden park, without my wife's family being notified, and we have been happy since.

So, yes, online friendships can very much happen, and even bigger things too come from that. One thing we do or do not do in life could greatly alter our lives.

 

[Bolletje]

I met my husband online We met on MySpace (for anyone too young to remember that, it was kind of like Facebook) and we would message each other, then moved on to chatting on MSN and then eventually met. Been together nearly 11 years!

Ah, MySpace and MSN... that almost makes me want to post something broody to my LiveJournal

 

[Judge]

I had an online friendship for some seven years. One that eventually seem to wane when her father passed away. Eventually I just gave up attempting to contact her. She just didn't seem to care anymore.

Though years later I discovered that she got married and conveniently never mentioned it. Which probably explained the point where she suddenly didn't want to continue communicating with me.

I came to the sad conclusion in hindsight that I was effectively "catfished".

Sadly Nev and Max from MTV's "Catfish" were barely teenagers back then.

 

[Grandmother B]

...I'm wondering what everyone else's opinion regarding this is.

What I'm talking about is some people saying, "You're not really friends with people on the other side of your screen." Their words, not mine. What they mean, presumably, is that, whether you've been talking to someone online for years, you can't really call them a "friend" until you meet them in real life, because you don't know who they really are and you may not have even seen their face before.

Now I, for one, strongly disagree with that sentiment. Some of the best people, as well as some of the worst, I've ever met have been online. Ever since I made an account here and started interacting with the other users and making posts and such, I've met some great people that I'd gladly call friends, whether they're, at the end of the day, strangers on the other side of my screen that I may never see or meet in my life. I've even heard stories about people meeting their eventual husbands/wives, boyfriends/girlfriends, fiancées, etc. through the Internet and getting together with them IRL at some point and forming a much stronger bond with them because of that. While I don't think I'll ever see myself doing something like that, it's just further proof that you can have friends and very real relationships through the Internet, whether you've met them or not.

The point being, I've heard a lot of people (most prominently, my former teachers and, recently, the woman running a local ASD support group) say the aforementioned quote: you can't have real friends over the Internet. I used to think that way myself... until I had a more prominent online social life. I'm wondering what you guys and gals think of that.

Do you feel like your friends online aren't really "friends" because you've never seen or met them? Or are those relationships still just as real and just as strong as they would be in person? Have you heard anyone say the aforementioned quote or known anyone who has that opinion regarding the matter?

And now, I do what I do best: await responses.

I think online friends are real friends. But I also think a person needs friends they see in person, if nothing else, so that if you had an emergency or a situation where you needed someone to actually be there, you would have a support group of some kind. Even if it's a supportive landlord or lady, or something like that, someone who knows your habits and would know if something was amiss and be able to come and do something for you.

 

[Spotty01]

It seems most people agree with my outlook on that whole "you can't have real friends online" spiel, but I've also noticed a few people have stated that you should have friends both online and in the real world. Don't get me wrong, I actually kind of agree with that, it makes sense.

Like I said in an earlier thread, I can't always bring up my problems to my friends online or 90% of the threads here would be me complaining about life, but, like most people on the Spectrum, I have God awful social skills... in fact, they're damn near nonexistent. Unless I know someone really, really well (like someone I see every day or once a week or something, or my parents and other relatives), I can hardly bring myself to speak a single word of my own. At best, I might nod and smile or utter a halfhearted greeting and let my parents or whoever else I'm with do the talking.

The fact that I speak with a minor stutter (it only occurs at the beginning of sentences or when I'm getting anxious most of the time) doesn't help when I'm speaking to new people.

As you can well imagine, that makes it extremely difficult making friends and gives me an even harder time keeping them; I found in high school that I have this almost subconscious tendency to get awkwardly talkative and clingy when I befriend someone, to the point of annoying them and driving them away altogether. Through my eyes, it seems like the same thing that they do... only to find that it does little more than annoy them to death. I don't know if they're being hypocrites or if they have a legit problem with the way I act towards them.

I have a few friends IRL... the youngest being about two decades older than I am, and thus, probably won't be around when I'm much older and on my own. I have this problem with never being able to connect and bond with people my age (late teens, early twenties would be "people my age" IMO), but I can quite well with people that are decades older, which is a problem because I will surely outlive them all in the end.

See what I mean here? To get back on topic again, I find that I have a much better time "socializing" and freely expressing my thoughts through a forum like this one or through E-mail or texts because that usually gives me more time to think over what I want to say before I actually say it instead of having to think everything up and risk saying something weird or awkward like in a conversation in real-life. Take too long trying to think of what you want to say, your conversation partner(s) are going to think something's wrong or that you just don't want to talk.

For example, I would never be able to say about five paragraphs of words in a real conversation, I just feel more... comfortable doing it over the Internet. I've found that a lot of other people here on AC seem to share that sentiment.

 

[Judge]

In my old age I can only be honest and say at this point in life I'm still bewildered by the very term "friends".

That I really don't have a clue as to what it really- or should mean.

 

[Spotty01]

In my old age I can only be honest and say at this point in life I'm still bewildered by the very term "friends".

That I really don't have a clue as to what it really- or should mean.

It is a hard word to define, you're right, but I think everyone has their own personal definition for it. What a "friend" is isn't the same for everyone, so I don't think there is one exact definition.

For me, it'd be someone you can trust, someone you can talk to and count on, someone who's always there when you need them the most, and someone who treats you with kindness, dignity, loyalty, and respect. You don't need to know what they look like or what their voice sounds like or what their real name is or even know them in-person to have the aforementioned qualities.

 

[Alaska]

It is a hard word to define, you're right, but I think everyone has their own personal definition for it. What a "friend" is isn't the same for everyone, so I don't think there is one exact definition.

For me, it'd be someone you can trust, someone you can talk to and count on, someone who's always there when you need them the most, and someone who treats you with kindness, dignity, loyalty, and respect. You don't need to know what they look like or what their voice sounds like or what their real name is or even know them in-person to have the aforementioned qualities.

Your definition of friend is rather nice, but you left out something important. A friend is not only someone who has all the attributes you mentioned, but since you care for them, you want to be and do the same for them.

I read something applicable to this situation. If you prepare yourself for someone you want to come into your life, you make it possible for them to come to you.

 

[Spotty01]

Your definition of friend is rather nice, but you left out something important. A friend is not only someone who has all the attributes you mentioned, but since you care for them, you want to be and do the same for them.

I read something applicable to this situation. If you prepare yourself for someone you want to come into your life, you make it possible for them to come to you.

I agree that caring about onoe another is a very important attribute of a friendship, but I thought "someone you can talk to and count on, someone who's always there when you need them the most" kind of implied that already. Oh, well...

And I would've added "someone who shares your interests and ideals/mentalities" to that list, but whether it's two people that're friends, or three, or thirty, that isn't going to be the case with every little thing. They could be like family to each other and have shared that sentiment for years, but they're never going to agree on everything and are going to have different opinions on something. Otherwise, there's just something wrong.