Is it okay to be obsessed with your crush?

[Ruby]

What's the difference between having a crush who you aren't obsessed with and being obsessed with your crush? Doesn't having a crush automatically make you somewhat obsessed?

I think about my crush a lot. Her smile makes me happy even when I'm down. I think she is such an amazing, beautiful young lady. I have about 300 photos of her on my iPod and iPad and I have over 10 posters of her which I printed and hung in my bedroom. According to my sister who hasn't been diagnosed with autism, it's creepy. She thinks I have an obsession with my crush which needs to stop. I don't think that's true because I think I should just enjoy my crush while I have it, if ever the obsession stops it will happen naturally, she makes me happy and enhances my life and I don't think having an obsession is a bad thing. Life isn't the same without an obsession and if I don't have an obsession, I'm probably missing part of the enjoyment that comes with life. I don't see how people think life is satisfying and happy enough without having an obsession which they think about a lot, makes them so happy and can relate to in situations.

I know that it is highly unlikely I'll have a romantic relationship with my crush. She's about ten years older than me but she looks so cute and young and she's a bit shorter than me. I feel that she is innocent but I also look up to her. I don't really want a romantic relationship with her but I would love a friendship with her. I kind of have started a friendship with her but she isn't in my class in 2014, so I can only do small talk with her at the most. I can be closer to her in 2015 though.

I think my sister is nosy and judgemental which I find annoying and want to stop. She looks at my iPad and personal stuff even when I request she doesn't and then she makes judgements and negative statements on things that I don't even want her to look at. I don't want her in my photos. She always asks annoying questions, particularly "why". She seems to find my crush annoying, but it's her who isn't minding her own business. I don't talk about her unless she comes up with it. I wish she could get her own life and let me enjoy my crush and things that I want and like. I wish she would keep things to herself.

So do you think that my feelings for my crush and photos/posters are acceptable for an autistic? I think my feelings for my crush are sweet and great. I also have a diary about my crush which my sister doesn't know about.

 

[Ereth]

Hello, Ruby.

First of all, you don't need an obsession to enjoy life. You can have hobbies that you enjoy, but the minute they start to get in the way of important tasks or getting along with other people, they're a problem.

Crushes aren't obsessions, either. Don't confuse infatuation with obsession. While you have not described any feelings or behaviors that are immediately harmful to this person, I think having hundreds of photos of her in your iPod and iPad and posters of her on your wall is not the best way to express your feelings. One picture is quite enough.

I don't know how you collected so many photos, but I'm going to hope to goodness that you haven't stalked this individual. When I had my own crush as a child, I wrote about him occasionally and enjoyed looking at pictures of him from school sometimes, but I did not need an entire photo album or diary devoted to him. It's fine to have these feelings, but you're not dealing with them in a healthy way. Idolizing this girl isn't going to get your obsession (let's call it what it is, okay?) to go away.

Autism or no, your behavior is too extreme, and your sister's reaction is not unreasonable. (She should respect your personal space, however.) I strongly recommend you see a counselor about this issue.

 

[Ruby]

Hi. I don't really understand what is a healthy and an unhealthy way to deal with feelings of a crush. I guess my crush is healthy because it's natural, normal and healthy to have a crush. It's pretty much just a crush and idolisation to me. If I have a crush on someone, of course I'm obsessed with her. It's probably unusual that I'm so into her. My crush is from my physie (sports) club. She is a young adult but she isn't very popular or famous to the club. She pretty much just comes to physie for the sake of doing it. I just turned 16 and she's 25. I have been crushing on her since early 2013. Considering that I barley used to know her, it's weird that I have strong feelings for her and think she's so amazing and beautiful.

I don't know your definition of stalking but stalking invades a persons privacy and affects them negatively. I would not consider getting photos of someone from Facebook stalking because they put those photos out there for us to see and so they aren't trying to be personal by it. The closest to stalking that I have done is waiting for my crush to come to the foyer backstage of a club day knowing that she'd either come through one door or another. It took a while for her to come, but when she did, I took photos of her on my iPod so that she wouldn't know. I wanted a photo of her face so bad, but when she looked towards me, I got scared. I was disappointed that I didn't get her gorgeous face. I really felt that I needed to get at least one photo of her on this event or else I would feel unsatisfied, upset and disappointed. She looked so beautiful. Doing this wasn't the best way to get photos of her, but I had to get some sort of photo of her from club day regardless of how I do it.

I don't see what's so bad about having photos of my crush because they're just photos. It isn't going to harm her. If she found out I had all these photos of her, she might feel negatively and not like me anymore which would make my life less meaningful and terrible.

 

[Ereth]

Yes, crushes are normal and healthy. But your crush isn't just a crush. Do you even know what idolization is? It implies adoration to excess, and worship.

I suppose you could consider the Facebook photos fair game. But I don't imagine that she put them up thinking that people would put a museum's number of images on their iPads or plaster them on their bedroom walls.

The closest to stalking that I have done is waiting for my crush to come to the foyer backstage of a club day knowing that she'd either come through one door or another. It took a while for her to come, but when she did, I took photos of her on my iPod so that she wouldn't know. I wanted a photo of her face so bad, but when she looked towards me, I got scared. I was disappointed that I didn't get her gorgeous face. I really felt that I needed to get at least one photo of her on this event or else I would feel unsatisfied, upset and disappointed. She looked so beautiful. Doing this wasn't the best way to get photos of her, but I had to get some sort of photo of her from club day regardless of how I do it.

But this is stalking. And you didn't have to get a picture of her. That's a desire, not a need. If you wanted a picture of her, you should have asked permission.

Again, I recommend counseling. I can only see this ending badly for you. It's better to put a stop to it before anybody gets hurt.

 

[Ruby]

Hi. I don't really understand what is a healthy and an unhealthy way to deal with feelings of a crush. I guess my crush is healthy because it's natural, normal and healthy to have a crush. It's pretty much just a crush and idolisation to me. If I have a crush on someone, of course I'm obsessed with her. It's probably unusual that I'm so into her. My crush is from my physie (sports) club. She is a young adult but she isn't very popular or famous to the club. She pretty much just comes to physie for the sake of doing it. I just turned 16 and she's 25. I have been crushing on her since early 2013. Considering that I barley used to know her, it's weird that I have strong feelings for her and think she's so amazing and beautiful.

I don't know your definition of stalking but stalking invades a persons privacy and affects them negatively. I would not consider getting photos of someone from Facebook stalking because they put those photos out there for us to see and so they aren't trying to be personal by it. The closest to stalking that I have done is waiting for my crush to come to the foyer backstage of a club day knowing that she'd either come through one door or another. It took a while for her to come, but when she did, I took photos of her on my iPod so that she wouldn't know. I wanted a photo of her face so bad, but when she looked towards me, I got scared. I was disappointed that I didn't get her gorgeous face. I really felt that I needed to get at least one photo of her on this event or else I would feel unsatisfied, upset and disappointed. She looked so beautiful. Doing this wasn't the best way to get photos of her, but I had to get some sort of photo of her from club day regardless of how I do it.

I don't have photos of my crush to express my feelings. I don't really want her or people to know how I feel about her as it is personal. I have all these photos of her simply because I have a crush on her and I want to look at her in many different forms. One photo of her certainly isn't enough for me as it's unsatisfying, I'd get bored of it, she looks different in every photo and why not have hundreds if I can and want? I want everything there is to have of her.

I don't see what's so bad about having photos of my crush because they're just photos. It isn't going to harm her. If she found out I had all these photos of her, she might feel negatively and not like me anymore which would make my life less meaningful and terrible.

I don't see why I would need to see a counsellor, psychologist or therapist especially considering that I enjoy having a crush, it's common to have one and she makes me really happy and I am only 16. If it wasn't for a crush or obsession, my life wouldn't be the same. The person I am crushing on is the second crush I have ever had. The first was a celebrity and I was obsessed with her and had lots of photos and videos of her. It annoyed my family but my mum doesn't know how I feel about my current crush. She's seen photos of her on my bedroom desk and asked me why I had them though.

Thanks for considering my reply. No offence intended. It's just my opinion.

 

[Ereth]

I don't have photos of my crush to express my feelings. I don't really want her or people to know how I feel about her as it is personal. I have all these photos of her simply because I have a crush on her and I want to look at her in many different forms. One photo of her certainly isn't enough for me as it's unsatisfying, I'd get bored of it, she looks different in every photo and why not have hundreds if I can and want? I want everything there is to have of her.

You call this a crush, but this is obsession, plain and simple. I'll say it as many times as I have to (the boldface is mine and for emphasis).

I don't see what's so bad about having photos of my crush because they're just photos. It isn't going to harm her. If she found out I had all these photos of her, she might feel negatively and not like me anymore which would make my life less meaningful and terrible.

Will these photos cause her physical harm? No. But you said it yourself: if she knew you had these photos, she might not like you anymore. That, to me, is an indicator of some measure of guilt. Not even people who are actually in relationships have that many photos of their significant others or look at them obsessively. And they certainly don't put them all over the walls.

I don't see why I would need to see a counsellor, psychologist or therapist especially considering that I enjoy having a crush, it's common to have one and she makes me really happy. If it wasn't for a crush or obsession, my life wouldn't be the same.

What do you mean it wouldn't be the same? Crushes are enjoyable, yes, but they're far from everything life has to offer. And your crush isn't common because it is obsessive. They're not the same thing. You need to find things about yourself that you consider valuable. You may go through periods of time in life where you have little else to rely on but your own strength. Instead of using an obsession to feel good about yourself, you need to build self-confidence.

The person I am crushing on is the second crush I have ever had. The first was a celebrity and I was obsessed with her and had lots of photos and videos of her. It annoyed my family but my mum doesn't know how I feel about my current crush. She's seen photos of her on my bedroom desk and asked me why I had them though. I am only 16. Does this really matter?

This type of behavior is why you do need to speak to someone, even if it's just your mother to start. You seem to be aware of what obsession is, but not that it's unhealthy. Please, please consider my advice. It does matter, no matter how young you are---you can't continue this way. It will only end badly, as I said before.

 

[Ruby]

What is the difference between being obsessed with your crush and not being obsessed with your crush?

What I mean by life wouldn't be the same is that I wouldn't have something/someone so enjoyable to think about and be reminded of. For instance, no song, situation, object or thing would remind me of my crush/obsession if I didn't have one. I know that there's much more to life than an obsession, but I'm used to obsessions and I don't have many more special interests.

I think this will end up good, because she likes me, she's happy around me and we get along well. She is nice and accepting, so if she knew I liked her, she'd probably accept it. Unless she found out about the photos and/or diary I have of her, I don't see why it would end bad. We have actually grown stronger together although I won't really get to be friends with her again until 2015.

Since I started getting along with her, I didn't feel the need to take photos of her like I did at club day anymore. We had selfies instead.

 

[Ste11aeres]

If she found out I had all these photos of her, she might feel negatively and not like me anymore which would make my life less meaningful and terrible.

When you care about somebody, it is necessary to learn to refrain from doing things in regard to them that they would dislike. Even if they would never find out, it is disrespectful to do such things behind their back. So if she would dislike the fact that you have so many pictures of her, your respect and care for her should lead you to remove those pictures out of your life.

I had to learn this myself.

Since I started getting along with her, I didn't feel the need to take photos of her like I did at club day anymore. We had selfies instead.

That's good.

 

[Ruby]

For some more details, my crush isn't the only person I have photos of. I have photos of my high school friends on my wall and I have an album for them. I also have a specific album for physical culture people and a specific album for myself. I had specific albums for celebrities and I have celebrities on my wall but I'm not really into them anymore. According to my sister, it's okay to have celebrities on your wall but not people who aren't famous. If I'm into someone who isn't famous, I think I'm better off having photos of them since I'll appreciate them more. I don't see what's wrong with my behaviour if it won't affect anyone else negatively. Maybe my behaviour is to do with my autism because photos are a huge deal to me. I like to have collections of certain things and people. When I see my crush, I am just nice to her and treat her like a friend/acquaintance. How can you not be obsessed with your crush, lover or someone you like romantically anyway? Wouldn't that stop the relationship or crush from happening? By the way, I do meet the criteria and have the right feelings for this to be considered a crush.

 

[Christy]

Hi Ruby,

I understand that you feel your intent and motives behind your actions are innocent. But I would encourage you, as Ereth and Ste11 have, to consider things from your crushes point of view. Given I don't know her or you, all I can really do is tell you how I would feel if I were to find out an acquaintance had 300 photos of me, many taken without my knowledge, and 10 of them printed and hung on their wall.

Honestly, I would be horrified. I would find this a complete invasion of my person, and I would assume ill intent. The explanation that you are autistic would probably not qualm my fears, and I would question why the family didn't intervene... Like your sister is trying to do.

I know this is not the answer or support you are looking for. Perhaps others can give helpful suggestions on other ways to express how you feel toward her that would not be misconstrued. Certainly though, I would encourage you to talk to someone you trust about the appropriateness of what your doing.

Christy

 

[Tarragon]

Just edited my post when I realised the conversation had gone further than the initial post.

Yes, be careful because people tend to get a bit freaked out, which is probably the last thing you would want to happen.

 

[Ruby]

Hi. I only took two photos of my crush without her knowledge. I don't know if she would like it if she knew I had photos of her. It depends on how private she is. She might be horrified, she might not really care, she might find it cute or she might be happy that someone likes her enough to bother to have all these photos. If I told her I had a crush on her, it might settle her reaction and make her understand. I don't know if the fact that I'm only 16 would lessen the intensity of her negative feelings. To be honest, I'd much rather my crush finding out how I feel about her than the fact that I have all these photos of her.

I'm going to make sure my crush doesn't find out about this. If she came to my house, I'd take the posters down. If she doesn't know or have any idea about the photos I have, she's got nothing negative to feel about it and she wont find out. If she isn't going to find out, I don't see what's so bad about it.

I have posters of my friends on my wall and I have specific albums for my friends and an album for physical culture people. It's not just my crush that I have photos of although I go to more extremes with her.

 

[Ereth]

Hi. I only took two photos of my crush without her knowledge. I don't know if she would like it if she knew I had photos of her. It depends on how private she is. She might be horrified, she might not really care, she might find it cute or she might be happy that someone likes her enough to bother to have all these photos.

I'm almost certain that she would be distraught. Don't make this about her. This is about your extreme behavior and what we're suggesting you do about it. You asked for our opinions, but you're only hearing what you want to hear.

I'm going to make sure my crush doesn't find out about this. If she came to my house, I'd take the posters down. If she doesn't know or have any idea about the photos I have, she's got nothing negative to feel about it and she wont find out. If she isn't going to find out, I don't see what's so bad about it.

That's . . . not how that works. You can't expect to just sweep this under the rug. Hiding the evidence doesn't make it okay.

I have posters of my friends on my wall and I have specific albums for my friends and an album for physical culture people. It's not just my crush that I have photos of although I go to more extremes with her.

We're not concerned about the fact you have a few photos of your friends. This is about having over three hundred photos of a woman you don't know---some of which you took without her permission, and all made into a sort of shrine without her knowledge.

Get help.

 

[ifightdragons]

If there ever was such a thing as a healthy obsession, this surely is not it. I would listen to Ereth, Stella and Christy on this one - I think you'd be hard-pressed getting better advice anywhere else.

 

[MoCoffee]

I've been trying to think of a diplomatic way to say that this is not a good thing for you to be doing, but others have given you good advice already. I had someone who was obsessed with me, and it totally creeped me out when he kept showing up in places where I'd be and posting pictures of me I didn't know he had. You need to stop behaving this way. Talk to a councillor or someone else you trust so you can get some independent advice, that you will believe and follow. I'm sorry, I know this is not what you want to hear.

 

[Judge]

Sorry Ruby, you appear to need an intervention here. Not validation. Such obsessions can only end badly.

Pay particular attention to page three. A definition of Stalker Types:

http://www.qlrc.qld.gov.au/events/personalprotection.pdf

Is Stalking A Crime?

Is Stalking a Crime? | content

 

[Ruby]

I still don't understand what exactly is wrong with my behaviour (especially if it won't affect anyone else), why it's not okay to have photos which make me happy, why I shouldn't have photos of someone I have strong feelings for. My bedroom and iPad reflects me and what I like. I am thinking of taking the posters down, but I don't really want to because a lot of them costed my own money (which I am saving to get a house), I got them recently and my walls won't be full enough. It would be a waste just to take them down unless I were to put them somewhere else (eg. inside my wardrobe or in a folder). If I don't want my crush on my wall anymore, I don't know what to do about the posters I have. I want to make the best use I can of them considering they were pretty expensive.

If my behaviour is why I need to speak to someone, then why can't I just stop it without help?

 

[Judge]

If my behaviour is why I need to speak to someone, then why can't I just stop it without help?

That's entirely up to you, depending on your own ability to address traits and behaviors. Some you can work on, others you can't. For those you can't sometimes it helps to have a Neurotypical you can trust to queue you when you need to reel in unacceptable behavior you don't have lots of control over.

From what I see, you've had that asset the whole time and didn't know it. -Your sister.

 

[Ereth]

It's one thing to have one photo of someone you like. It's quite another to have over three hundred. And you don't even have permission to have them.

The material Judge linked includes this statement from a piece of legislation that applies to Queensland:

"Although the stalker must intentionally direct his conduct at the victim, it is now immaterial whether or not the stalker intends that the victim is aware that conduct is directed at the victim."

It's my understanding, based on this material, that anti-stalking laws in Australia are rather problematic because they vary depending on the state/territory. I don't know where you are, but I hope this makes it clear enough that you could get yourself in serious trouble if you do not stop this behavior.

You said you made the posters using your own money, which was intended for the purchase of a house. This is one indicator of obsession---as I stated before, an obsession is something that interferes with one's life to such an extent that other priorities go by the wayside, and may result in harm to oneself or to others.

We are recommending you get help because you will likely continue to feel a need to continue this behavior. You did it once with the celebrity, and now it's happening again with someone else. I'm not a mental health professional by any means, but the fact that it's occurred more than once is, to me, cause for concern.

For the record, I would say this to anyone exhibiting similar behavior regardless of age, gender, background, or presence on or off the autism spectrum. They make no difference. This will not end well if you do not get help.

 

[nowwhat]

Thinking about them all the time, imagining you see them everywhere, doing doubletakes on people who resemble them? OK as long as you keep it your problem, not boring others with your obsession, or stalking or contacting someone who wants no part of you, or exceeding the boundaries of whatever relationship they want with you.

In the bushes outside their house with duct tape and cholroform? Out of bounds by a little.