i'm done for real this time

[donewithlyf]

yeah, i'm ****ing done. if you've got sick of my other topics well good news for y'all becos i'm literally gonna commit suicide. my so called friend has been ignoring my messages, why, it's because i'm such a clingy retard who can't tell from right to wrong. my autism completely screwed up everything and i'm ****** sick to the core of it all. i'm also sick of people just treating me like **** daily so i hope you stupid scum ******* are happy. you've won, i've lost go throw another one of your lame ass parties and get drunk you dumb NT pieces of ****. ****** hell i'm really sorry to those that actually cared enough to waste their time and give me advice but i can't take it anymore. i hate being a social outcast and i hate having Aspergers, my life isn't gonna get any better no matter how much i delude myself. from here on, i'll either be dead or sulking in my own misery because i can't put my family into such much pain from a bunch of ****ing internet friends but i develop unusual bonds with a lot of people and it hurts when they don't give me the attention i deserve ok. god i'm such a ******* loser

 

[Sully]

A lot of people here have gone through the exact same thing. Getting drunk does seem to be a favorite pastime of many NTs your age, so it's hard for an Aspie to fit in to that juvenile lifestyle. I wish I could say there is a way to fit in to that kind of group, but your brain isn't wired for it. You might be better off finding friends who are older than you. I can say it gets better. I think many here would agree with me if I said you are at the bottom point of many aspies life.

 

[Tom]

Its easy to think of things from a NT perspective and compare/evaluate yourself to them. Their view is near absolutely dominant.

But they are not your real peers, and you are not bound to follow their footsteps.

 

[royinpink]

Humor me, and try something: Whenever you feel like you want to kill yourself, wait until tomorrow. It can wait till then, can't it?

Whether you believe us that it gets better or not, we do care.

 

[AGXStarseed]

donewithlyf, please read what I've got to say.

You're not a loser or a retard at all. You're a unique individual who wants friendship, like every person on this crazy planet. That's why so many of us turn to the online communities like you've done now - to find people we can talk to about what we like and feel accepted.
We've all been through something similar to the point where life feels hopeless and won't get better. When I was in high school, I got picked on mercilessly for the way I acted due to my Aspergers as well as having red hair and not liking sports. Constantly having to put up with the horrible comments from what seemed like the entire student population, been rejected time and time again when I tried to make friends, been physically attacked and having stuff taken off me by one particular group of bullies and been excluded from groups until a teacher forced a group to have me - during which i was pretty much blanked out - was heartbreaking and depressing.

Add to that, the rest of my family seemed to be doing great why I was stuck inside every night - no after-school job, no friends or girlfriend, etc.
Eventually, it got to the point where I was contemplating suicide - just feeling like I was worthless and that my family would be better off without me. However, on another autism network I was once on (which now is closed down), I told people what I was planning to do and why - to which loads of others from that website quickly came to try and convince me not to do it and prove to me that my life was worth living.
Their compliments and concerns gave me a real boost of confidence and self worth. I later discussed what I was feeling with my family and later a compassionate therapist who slowly helped me through this difficult part of my life.

Today, I'm got a job, I'm happier in myself and while I still don't have a girlfriend I won't deny a possibility in the future. I've learned that taking your life is a one way journey and if it turns out to be a wrong turn, there's no going back.
My advice would be to tell your family about how you feel and consult a therapist who you feel comfortable with in order to help you - for if you choose to end it all now then that's it but if you hang on and peer around that corner, there may be hope.
It will be a slow journey, but please don't give up before you've had a chance to really live life.

Remember...
Don't feel put down by people because of your beliefs, your appearance, your interests, your skin/hair colour, your age, your sexual orientation or what people think of you.
Never be ashamed of who you are...because you're awesome just the way you are!
You're not stupid, a freak, an idiot, a weirdo or a retard.
You're not 'nothing', a mistake, a waste of life or a disgrace to humanity.
You are one of a kind...and there will never be another like you!
You are unique...and being unique is cool!
Remember. Individuality is not a crime. No matter what makes us different, we are special in our own ways.
We are all human.
We are all a family.
We are all loved beyond what you can possibly imagine!

Stay strong, my friend. We're all behind you.
*Hugs*

 

[watersprite]

When I felt like that a long time ago, I wished someone would tell me the way out besides the pills next to my bed. The way out is Power. You have got to ask for it, it's already there waiting, so take the step and ask. It's an inside asking.

 

[Ylva]

Bibliotherapy is the reading of novels as a way to heal one's self. Try it.

There are adults around whom you might want to watch and learn from. I won't go so far as telling you to volunteer at an old folks' home, but chances are you'll have an easier time connecting with grown-ups.

Again. You are so close.

 

[Warmheart]

You are important to us. You matter. You are cared for, and cared about. When you hurt, we hurt. Your happiness is our happiness. We are here for you. (((( Hug )))

I believe in your inner strength. I believe in you.

 

[DuckRabbit]

yeah, i'm ****ing done. if you've got sick of my other topics well good news for y'all becos i'm literally gonna commit suicide. my so called friend has been ignoring my messages, why, it's because i'm such a clingy retard who can't tell from right to wrong. my autism completely screwed up everything and i'm ****ing sick to the core of it all. i'm also sick of people just treating me like **** daily so i hope you stupid scum faggots are happy. you've won, i've lost go throw another one of your lame ass parties and get drunk you dumb NT pieces of ****. ****ing hell i'm really sorry to those that actually cared enough to waste their time and give me advice but i can't take it anymore. i hate being a social outcast and i hate having Aspergers, my life isn't gonna get any better no matter how much i delude myself. from here on, i'll either be dead or sulking in my own misery because i can't put my family into such much pain from a bunch of ****ing internet friends but i develop unusual bonds with a lot of people and it hurts when they don't give me the attention i deserve ok. god i'm such a ****ing loser

It's amazing that NTs pathologise and devalue Aspergers from their self-righteous pedestals, while neglecting the ways in which they themselves are deficient. I find Jungian psychology useful for understanding this phenomenon - in terms of one group 'scapegoating' another. As Jungian psychoanalyst Aldo Carotenuto argued:

"The art of becoming ourselves is not looked upon positively by the collective mind because, as the collective mind is intent on perpetuating uniformity, it will inevitably see diversity and differentiation as a threat."

 

[Sully]

I assume every Aspie has seen this video, but if you haven't it may be a help.

Watch "My Life with Asperger's: Daniel Wendler at TEDxUniversityofArizona" Video at TEDxTalks

He also has a good website about learning social skills. It's like a course on learning all the things that NTs just seem to know intuitively. Aspies can learn them too, but it's more intellectual, like solving a math problem, than intuitive.

Online Social Skills Guide - Improve Your Social Skills

I'm not suggesting you should try to improve your social skills so that you can fit in with a bunch of jerks, but if you had a good friendship going on for about a year and then it went bad then maybe it can still be repaired. Sometimes I will watch a video, read something, or observe other people's interactions and it will trigger a flashback of some social situation I had years earlier that I found confusing, and then I would finally understand it. I've literally had this happen for situations that occurred ten years earlier.

Aspies can have a tendency to be "clingy." If your friend told you this then that's a good thing. Often people will just break off friendships and never say why. I remember a time in high school I was riding in my friend's car, he had a mild outburst at me. I was surprised, but as I thought about what led up to that i realized I was perseverating about something and probably being really annoying. You might want to give your friend some space and send him a message next week.

 

[Harrison]

donewithlyf I suggest you contact the uk numbers listed in here.

I know you're in the UK but that is all I know, so no-one here is in a position to help. You need to help yourself.

https://www.aspiescentral.com/threa...evention-resources-call-for-submissions.9143/

 

[donewithlyf]

guys this isn't all about bullying, it's more about my screw ups trying to relate to my NT friends so much that i just come off as annoying to them. that's why i'm close to killing myself because even my family get sick of my crap, what if it's only a matter of time before i piss off the wrong person and regret it for the rest of my life? i'm a total moron and i can't help it, i wish this ******** would stop happening to me all the time

 

[Mia]

donewithlyf, it's more about my screw ups trying to relate to my NT friends so much that i just come off as annoying to them.

So if it causes you such angst, give up relating to them on their terms, you know its all BS superficial crap anyway. If this is causing you such pain, get other friends. Maybe friends who are a little more tolerant?

You say that you don't want to hurt anyone anymore.

If you 'off' yourself, your family and people who cared about you, will be in pain for a very long time. You'll cause more pain and everyone will spend the rest of their lives thinking: "If I had known, there must have been something I could have done."

You'll cause everyone grief, suffering, and pain.

Suicide can be a very hostile act sometimes. It's the thought; "I'll show them and they'll be sorry."

When we get to the very bottom of our depression, we come back different and changed, the brave ones have been there and they have battled their way out of it. A little wiser and a little more capable.

 

[psychotopsy]

guys this isn't all about bullying, it's more about my screw ups trying to relate to my NT friends so much that i just come off as annoying to them. that's why i'm close to killing myself because even my family get sick of my crap, what if it's only a matter of time before i piss off the wrong person and regret it for the rest of my life? i'm a total moron and i can't help it, i wish this ******** would stop happening to me all the time

Let's say you have 1000 boxes, you check 346 of them and they are empty so far. Does that mean they will all be? hell no. You can not know until you check them all. It's kind of similar with life. You might live a few years, decades and not be happy that far but you cant actually know that you will never be until you have seen all of your years. And to do that, you must stay. Otherwise you will never know. Suicidal thoughts are based on the idea that it will never be better or not good enough for it to be worth it. It's just not true. Maybe thinking like that would help you?
I feel very alienated too. I'm longing for someone I can relate to. I'm sick to the bone of not having anyone relatable around me. I feel similarly. Not suicidal but just so tired of screwing up without even knowing I screwed up again until its too late. Its a horrible feeling. But what if I will meet someone like me one day that will make all the others not matter at all? What if you will?
Think of your younger self. What would you say to your 8 year old self now? Would you have the heart to tell your 8 year old self that you are suicidal? Would you tell your 8 year old self that you're a moron? Or you 10, 12, 15 year old self? I don't know how old you are but all the past versions of yourself have worked hard to survive. You have tried this hard so far. Don't let it all go to waste. You are worth it and it will be better.
That's just things to consider in the long term.
Now granted, suicidal thoughts dont go away easily. As an emergency measure, I would recommend a suicide hotline or anything that could help you professionally and immediately.

 

[Sully]

guys this isn't all about bullying, it's more about my screw ups trying to relate to my NT friends so much that i just come off as annoying to them. that's why i'm close to killing myself because even my family get sick of my crap, what if it's only a matter of time before i piss off the wrong person and regret it for the rest of my life? i'm a total moron and i can't help it, i wish this ******** would stop happening to me all the time

I was assuming the main problem is your lack of social skills. Your behavior is annoying other people to the point they reject you. Maybe you could be more specific about your "screw ups" and what "crap" your family is sick of. Is it behavior that is uncontrollable? Is it legitimately annoying or are they overreacting? Maybe both?

Does your family know that you are having suicidal thoughts? Have you attempted suicide before?

 

[Beverly]

When I was a teen my peers called me "Sasquatch" I was last to be chosen for anything people were being chosen for, I got rubber bands and spit wads shot at my, people but buggers in my hair. Called me stupid, dork and names I won't repeat here - the profanity filter would turn them into ********* any way. I had one sometimes friend, Jen, she was nice to me if I had money to give her for lunch, if not she ignored me.

By the time I was 18, I had those same jerks in a standing ovation, begging me and the band I was with to do an encore when we played the prom. I had graduated the spring before that concert, valedictorian but, that didn't matter so much too me. What did matter was coming back less than a year later and showing them their zero was fast on her way to becoming the hero. I made it, I did what so many of them dreamed of doing, and failed to do.

By the time I was 25, that horrible time was all but forgotten. Those people just nameless faces in old yearbook pictures. None of that mattered anymore. I had friends, real friends, I had a social life, I had more guys crushing on me that I could count. Everyone I met wanted to know me.

That all changed from terrible to fantastic in just seven years. That isn't very long at all. So don't give up now, give it another decade, that's all I as, just one more decade, then decide if you still want to end it all. I think you'll change your mind and, will have learned how to get along better in the world.

 

[The Phantom]

I know how you feel. Even if what I've gone through is not as extreme, I know how you feel.

In soccer, the girls always chose their friends, and no matter what, with absolutely no fail I was always picked last. I was a great defender and better than a lot of the other girls, but they only want to choose their friends. They have no regard for any skill. One girl is an arrogant ***** who doesn't give a **** about actual practice but acts like she's the best. They forgive their beloved friends with no fail for their mistakes but if I mess up even once they'll groan, yell, and blame me for everything. Even if I helped them them a tournament. I could kick the ball the other end of the field, and the person who gets the credit is the one who kicked the ball 2 inches into the goal. They will always giev credit to their friends. Suck for me cause I don't even have any.

I know a lot of people and are on friendly terms with them. Except they all think I'm clingy. They think I talk to them too much. Most of all, they think I'm a freak. The popular girls are all pin thin prepubescent girls who are so vapid I want to scream. All the other kids think they're annoying and like me better but hang out with the popular kids because they are popular and fun and barely say hi to me in the halls. They don't do *** in life and couldn't care less. They easily walk up to strangers, giggle, and open their loud obnoxious mouths to yell on the streets. They think I'm a buzzkill. They all are clones with the same personality, and same looks, and compared to them I look and act like a monkey. I can't look strangers in the eye, and I'm afraid to even to go the store or do any other normal activity like walking on the street cause I always feel there's someone who is judging me or thinking I'm a freak. People call me many and tease me saying I look like a transgender. But that's barely even anything. I don't act the way I do because of that.

My parents don't understand me. They try and force me to do things I hate and when I protest they get pissed off. They scream and yell at me and ask what my problem is, but they don't even bother enough to try and seek help for why I act so strange. They juts think I'm an angry annoying teen. Well, maybe I am, but that's not the bigger reason. They think they're so educated on pyschology when in reality they don't know jack. I don't fit the typical symptoms for an aspie, but that's all they know, so they refuse to go get help, even for my OCD which they know i have. They think all my issues or not that bad and that I'm blowing it out of proportion. I want to kill myself most of the time cause they'll never understand or listen. When I proposed that I could have Aspergers my mom started cracking up.

Like I said, people think I'm annoying and clingy. I expect an answer each time I contact someone and if they stop paying attention I get hurt. On one of my threads asking for help, the views outnumbered the amount or replied, and i was hurt because I thought a bunch of people didn't give a crap about me. This is the case for so many things online. I send so many emails to my classmates and some never reply. I ask to hang out with some people and they say yes but never go through with it. I keep on talking about the same things and they get annoyed.
I also form weird obsessions with people that i can't control, and it hurts like crazy. I want to be their friend, but they ignore me because I'm younger than them. I see the having fun with their friends and i start to cry because I wish I had friends like those. I do all sorts of crazy crap about them that I won't mention right now. They are friendly to me and when they're nice to me I start to go crazy because I think they like me. But I never speak to them because I don't want to screw up. I don't want to mess up the few connections with people that actually think I'm normal. I'm scared of having a romantic relationship with someone in case they find out what i'm really like and dump me. Anyway I too scare to talk to them in case I come across as clingy, and I don't even like laughing at their jokes or doing something nice for them in case they think I'm a freak.

Anyway, I know how you feel. I keep on telling myself that one day I'll become famous for my work and then everyone would wish they were friends with me, and I know it's dumb. But sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me from trying to fall down all 40 stories of my building. It's hard, but I'm trying. I really hope you're able to pull through. I will always reply to any messages you want to send me (When I can. If I don't then I'm busy) I don't even know if you want to send me messages, I mean why would you, but we're both people who form attachments to random people and get upset when they don't care. So if you want to, please go ahead. I could really use a friend who wants even a bit of my attention. I feel alone too.

 

[Naturalist]

At 36, I still have moments when I feel that I can't do anything right, that I am annoying to others and that it might be better for the people I love if I wasn't there causing problems.

When I was in my teens, those moments were pervasive. Now, they are just occasional. Now, I deal with those days by watching a movie I like or reading a book and then going to bed to get some rest. In the morning, I often feel better. If I don't, I give myself a restful day and take everything slowly. That is often something teens can't easily do, because you're not entirely in control of your schedule yet. But doing even one creative thing that will give yourself a chance to shift perspective will help. I often paint or write, or play my violin. I have to remind myself not to be critical of the quality of things I produce at this time, because when I am unhappy it's usually not my best work. But it helps to unload all the "toxic stuff" that is in your mind so it can live somewhere other than in your head where it's just a poison for your thoughts.

 

[epath13]

guys this isn't all about bullying, it's more about my screw ups trying to relate to my NT friends so much that i just come off as annoying to them. that's why i'm close to killing myself because even my family get sick of my crap, what if it's only a matter of time before i piss off the wrong person and regret it for the rest of my life? i'm a total moron and i can't help it, i wish this ******** would stop happening to me all the time

Generalizations don't help anyone. Take my words or leave them, but, what I see is somebody who has a problem and can't find a solution. If you want to find a solution, accept that the solution exists. If you don't want to accept its existence (there are only 2 choices: yes, and no, there's no "maybe", " maybe" is a "no") then the struggle will continue. If you decide to say " yes", pick a problem, 1 single problem and try to word it without generalizing. Maybe people here, on this forum, can help you to word the problem. Once you word it clearly, the solution will emerge. Start with one single thing. You worry about your relationships with friends or a particular friend, start with it. Start talking about this one thing. Describe the person, circumstances, what your theory about the problem. The less you generalize, and the more you stick with the facts, the better. I understand you have other threads, don't expect other people to be aware of them. Many threads are left unnoticed.
I'm sure they're people here who are willing to help you so you can just write about a particular problem here on this thread. Even if you don't get enough responses, you could take this strategy to a counselor and work on the problem with him/ her.

 

[Beverly]

I agree, stop generalizing yourself and, stop generalizing other people. Not everytone reacts the same to the same thing, you do not do the same thing every time and, unless a doctor has told you or your parents that you are mentally retarded, then you are not a moron.

We all do stupid, foolish, thoughtless things form time to time, we are human but that doesn't make us morons.

It took me a while to learn but...
1. Identify the problem.
2. Specify the details of the problem.
3. Know that a solution does exist.
4. Find that solution.
5. Apply what you now know to yourself and your life.
6. Problem solved - Return to step 1 with the next problem and, do it again.

And don't think that you will ever be done repeating that process, new problems arise though out our lives but, if we know how to find solutions, we can overcome them all. That is what positive living is about - not about not having problems but, about knowing how to face those problems head on in a constructive way, and solving those problems - growing, improving, continually becoming a better you.