I think i need to just dive in.....

[ladybug]

ok, hello....
i'm in a newish relationship with a man who i'm 90% sure is aspie (hope that term is not offensive...) My son has mild asperger's and was diagnosed at 13 (hes now 17)

im confused sometimes by my partners actions, he dosen't want to meet my family (brothers, sis in law etc) as he thinks they have not been supportive of me. I have come out of a 25yr marriage and my family were very close to my ex, they/we all got on very well - kids were close, holidays etc.
they have still not met him and we've been seeing each other for 8months... how can i get him to 'soften' his thoughts about meeting them, he can be very rigid, but id like if we could have some social time with them. i've met his brother and all (2) of his friends, i've met his mum but he really doesnt talk to her anymore (she was supposed to come out with us for the day, she didnt come, so he wont see her again...)

I dont know if this makes sense, but im just looking for some ideas to try.... We get on exceptionally well, we like lots of the same things and view certain things in exactly the same way (except this)....

any ideas...?

 

[Blast off]

You have to ease him into it. I was the same way with my wife's family and friends. Be gentle and don't pressure, he will come around. Hope this helps.

 

[ladybug]

ease him into it how..? we were out for dinner and he wouldnt come back to the house, he has been in but only then the kids weren't home....

 

[StephF]

Firstly Aspie is fine Secondly relationships between NT (you) and your friend (Aspie) are always difficult because of the way our brains are wired.

It will take time, there is, unfortunately , no quix fix. But please hang in there. I'm sure you will eventually get there in the end

 

[Blast off]

Don't expect immediate results, lots of us are very introverted and it takes a looooooooooong time to work up the courage and the energy to meet new people. Especially important people. You just have to be patient if you really like this guy. And this is probably just the first hurdle of many unfortunately. Patience and gentle guidance or he will go running for the woods for sure. Or at least I would.

 

[ladybug]

Firstly Aspie is fine Secondly relationships between NT (you) and your friend (Aspie) are always difficult because of the way our brains are wired.

It will take time, there is, unfortunately , no quix fix. But please hang in there. I'm sure you will eventually get there in the end

Thanks,
yes, we are wired differently that's part of what makes us a great team (i think..) I'd like to know how to 'gently' move this situation on... so that he would want/consider meeting them.... but astime goes on i'm worried that it will only be more difficult.

 

[Suzanne]

You cannot do anything, because when I saw exactly how my husband's family treated him, I could not cope with being in their company. I even told his gran ( she lorded over everyone in her fancy and very expensive residental home bedroom) and I just told her what I thought about her! Sadly, my husband would not let me get away with it and I had no choice but to apologise; wow that was hard!

Another time, his family were all gathered around in this room and I heard: we wanted all the family to be together to share some sad news. Well, umm they had shared this sad news despite my husband not being there and yet, his father was the beloved brother! I even said: I thought my husband was a part of your family too and got shocked looks and with that, I said: I cannot cope with this and walked out!

His auntie came to speak to me and said: I will forgive you, because I know that you are probably at that time of the month. I said: no, I am not and please don't forgive me, because I stated a fact!

Probably due to my own childhood, I cannot cope with potentious behaviour and so, my husband now accepts that from me.

Probably what would help is if my husband had been a bit more supportive of me and so, if you can assure him that you value how he feels and really touched that he cares so much, but they are your family and you do love them and so, all I can promise is that I will be by your side at all times. And if you feel offended and even say something inappropriate I will follow you if you walk out.

But since that probably won't happen, expect him to stand his ground.

We cannot deal with injustice.

 

[ladybug]

Don't expect immediate results, lots of us are very introverted and it takes a looooooooooong time to work up the courage and the energy to meet new people. Especially important people. You just have to be patient if you really like this guy. And this is probably just the first hurdle of many unfortunately. Patience and gentle guidance or he will go running for the woods for sure. Or at least I would.

yes, he is very introverted, but has already met a few of my friends.. (not all at once..!) and we have been out to dinner with another couple (my friends) but no family- except my Mum....

 

[StephF]

I appreciate your 'dilemma' , I reckon only you could know when to make a final decision about the future of your frienship/relationship.

Sorry I couldn't give you anything better in the way of advice. I'm not an expert in relationships myself

 

[ladybug]

You cannot do anything, because when I saw exactly how my husband's family treated him, I could not cope with being in their company. I even told his gran ( she lorded over everyone in her fancy and very expensive residental home bedroom) and I just told her what I thought about her! Sadly, my husband would not let me get away with it and I had no choice but to apologise; wow that was hard!

Another time, his family were all gathered around in this room and I heard: we wanted all the family to be together to share some sad news. Well, umm they had shared this sad news despite my husband not being there and yet, his father was the beloved brother! I even said: I thought my husband was a part of your family too and got shocked looks and with that, I said: I cannot cope with this and walked out!

His auntie came to speak to me and said: I will forgive you, because I know that you are probably at that time of the month. I said: no, I am not and please don't forgive me, because I stated a fact!

Probably due to my own childhood, I cannot cope with potentious behaviour and so, my husband now accepts that from me.

Probably what would help is if my husband had been a bit more supportive of me and so, if you can assure him that you value how he feels and really touched that he cares so much, but they are your family and you do love them and so, all I can promise is that I will be by your side at all times. And if you feel offended and even say something inappropriate I will follow you if you walk out.

But since that probably won't happen, expect him to stand his ground.

We cannot deal with injustice.

Thanks, for that... it must be difficult to be in that situation.
I would not pressure him into doing something, but was hoping for guidance to help him see that, as my family have known my ex for a long time (25yrs) and although my ex has behaved horribly to me - my family cant quite believe it (as my children still love their dad and dont believe he's behaved as he has)
i dont want his thoughts of my family's lack of support to become so hardened that he will not ever be in their company... i love my family and i struggle to keep the his mind open to them 'slowly coming around'... for him its very black and white...

 

[xudo]

Welcome

Maybe have a look in the Love and relationships section of the forum. You may find some more help there, as there are quite a few NT's posting there having similar relationship issues.

 

[ladybug]

I appreciate your 'dilemma' , I reckon only you could know when to make a final decision about the future of your frienship/relationship.

Sorry I couldn't give you anything better in the way of advice. I'm not an expert in relationships myself

ha...!! I think that the point with us all... (aspies and nt) we are all just trying to work out everyone else's 'code'....
I mean, we all know what we think and what we mean when we say certain things, in a certain way.... but that's not always what the other person 'hears' or thinks that you've said....therein lies the confusion with us all.... yes?

 

[ladybug]

Welcome

Maybe have a look in the Love and relationships section of the forum. You may find some more help there, as there are quite a few NT's posting there having similar relationship issues.

oh thanks.... as i've said I'm very new at all this.... i'll try and find it.. (I've not great techy skills)

 

[twilightzone76]

I'm also in a relationship with an Aspie - he's very shy around people he doesn't know and has told me he doesn't want to meet certain friends of mine because they seem this way or that way when he hasn't even met them. I had both my best friend and my Dad just show up at my house on separate occasions and he did just fine, although he didn't say much because he doesn't know how to make small talk. Now, it's not as big of a deal when they are around. It's the fear of the unknown so sometimes you have to push someone into the unknown for them to see past the fear. This is actually one of the things my bf had told me he likes about me, that I have made him do things and look at life in a way that nobody has helped him do before (and he's in his 40's).

My advice is to have him meet your family one or two at a time and spontaneously like I did so he doesn't have time to get himself worked up about it.

 

[xudo]

oh thanks.... as i've said I'm very new at all this.... i'll try and find it.. (I've not great techy skills)

Love, Relationships and Dating

There you go

 

[ladybug]

I'm also in a relationship with an Aspie - he's very shy around people he doesn't know and has told me he doesn't want to meet certain friends of mine because they seem this way or that way when he hasn't even met them. I had both my best friend and my Dad just show up at my house on separate occasions and he did just fine, although he didn't say much because he doesn't know how to make small talk. Now, it's not as big of a deal when they are around. It's the fear of the unknown so sometimes you have to push someone into the unknown for them to see past the fear. This is actually one of the things my bf had told me he likes about me, that I have made him do things and look at life in a way that nobody has helped him do before (and he's in his 40's).

My advice is to have him meet your family one or two at a time and spontaneously like I did so he doesn't have time to get himself worked up about it.

i think that sounds like a good idea...he is only 'slightly' aspie... (can i even say that...? is it either you are or you're not?)

 

[ladybug]

Love, Relationships and Dating

There you go

FAB!! Thanks

 

[twilightzone76]

i think that sounds like a good idea...he is only 'slightly' aspie... (can i even say that...? is it either you are or you're not?)

Mine too. I always knew something was slightly different from the beginning but his aspiness doesn't jump out at you initially. Handsome, charming, good job, responsible. Now that we've been together for a few years he "lets it show" a lot more whereas in the beginning I think he did his best to try to mask it.

There are definitely varying degrees to which someone can be affected by it. Just be aware that it may seem "mild" now because you have only been together for 8 months but it's likely that as time goes on you will see more telling signs. Everyone, even NT's try to put their best foot forward in the beginning, right? ; )

 

[xudo]

i think that sounds like a good idea...he is only 'slightly' aspie... (can i even say that...? is it either you are or you're not?)

He's just an aspie, but ASD is a spectrum. This means that some people are at the 'lower' end in terms of the issues that they may experience, while others are aspie and are at the 'higher' end in terms of issues.

 

[Bolletje]

I can relate to him not wanting to meet your family because he feels they're not supportive.

My best friend got into a relationship 1,5 years ago and was pregnant within the month. I wanted to meet her boyfriend, but she kept postponing this. Meanwhile I heard stories of how he treated her and while she felt this was okay, I felt viciously protective of her and quite angry at him. This probably explains while I didn't get to meet him until long after their child was gone, and that was only by accident. He ran out the door the moment I came to visit.

Now she wants us to make nice, but I cannot play nice to someone that mistreats my friend. She may be okay with it, but I most certainly am not. She might be okay with playing house with him, but I won't waste my energy on getting to know someone that I know is hurting my friend.