I am surprised and don't know how to react

[Mattymatt]

My father called me out of the blue today. I was taking a walk before the rain started in earnest. I needed to clear my head and, as the song goes, needed to sweep out all of the rooms my emotions left. My phone was in my pocket and I had my blue tooth headset on so I just tapped the button to answer the call - it was my father. I was ready to hang up but he begged me not to; very out of character.

So I decided to listen to him and this came out of left field. He openly admitted to the verbal and psychological abuse that he did to me. He asked if I could find it in my heart to forgive him and I paused. He's done things like this before but never so direct and forward. So I asked him if he's seeking absolution for selfish reasons or if he is doing this because he cares about me. I fully expected this to be the end.

I was surprised by his honesty when he said for both reasons. I said, "I'm unable to offer you absolution right now. Your actions will show your resolve to make amends. Need I remind you that you've approached me this way before and it was insincere?" My father started sobbing and he said I was right. Never once had he ever cried in front of me in anyway.

My father is definitely on the spectrum but he's narcissistic so I'm always skeptical of his motivations. Today a package showed up at my door with a digital camera bundle. My father knows I'm dirt poor and I guess a part of him remembers how much I love photography as the package was from him. Turns out he got me a half way decent DSLR, a Canon Rebel T6. It's a lot better than my cell phone camera! In December of 2016, I had to sell all of my camera equipment in order to pay rent and utilities. Today I gave blood and plasma so I would have enough money to go to New Year's Day Brunch with a friend.

Maybe my father has changed but people that have narcissistic tendencies are often good at manipulation. Still, this is not characteristic of him at all. I might have to ask my long suffering mother (still married to him) if he's recently received some bad health news. Maybe I'm just depressed and very jaded. Only time will tell.

In the mean time at least I'm no longer hearing voices. Risperdal is pretty amazing. Now if I could just find some work that I can do where I will just be comfortable.

 

[Pats]

I can imagine how surprised you were at his call and his gift. The gift was nice and also that he put meaning into it. Sounds like he's making a sincere effort and hopefully you can find it in your heart to forgive him. Do remember that it's hard to break a lifetime habit of who he is and he still could slip up, but, hopefully, he'll keep trying.
My dad showed up to my mom's funeral and before I left to go back home to Ga. I told him to stop by my house on his way back to Az where he lived during the winter and to keep in touch and so on. He said, "Well, as long as you don't hear from me you'll know I'm okay." I said, Okay then. Months later he called. I looked at my phone and seen it was him and looked at my husband at the time and said, "What do I do?" He said answer it. I couldn't. He left a message saying I could call him back or I could just call my sister and she could let me in on what's going on. The next day he called again and I answered. He said the doctors wanted him to have a heart valve replacement and he wanted to know what I thought he should do. (I'm a nurse). If it had been a patient I would have said to do it, but I told him it was up to him and didn't advise him one way or the other. He didn't have the surgery. He had a heart attack a couple years later and died while walking his daily mall walk. I never told anyone that I didn't encourage the surgery and don't know if I should feel bad about it or not. Maybe if he had ever done anything to try to fix things between us, it may have been different. But your dad has. It's okay to keep up your guard to protect yourself, but if he feels the need to fix things, maybe you may want to consider allowing him to. And I say that for your benefit as well. Because one day he will pass on and you'll be left to live with your decision. I took care of my mom her final year and I feel good about that. My dad - not so good.

 

[Graphin]

My mother did actually start things like that a few times, but she neither would admit that it's not the first time, and that she actually stayed the same

 

[SusanLR]

Time will tell.
If it isn't due to an illness, it would be very nice.
I would wait and see for now.
I live with a narcissist and he can be kind and happy with me one day then ranting and raving
at me the next to the point I run away for a day.
Glad you are doing well with your meds. And hope this is a miracle with your Dad.

 

[Marina Phantom]

I've seen abusive parents get back in contact with their kids before. Usually, it's because they want something.

For my old man, he called me on Thanksgiving to tell me that he only had six months left to live because of heart problems, and that he needed money to pay for the medical bills. It was the exact same thing he told my older brother during Christmas three years ago.

For a mother of one of my childhood friends, she came over to visit him for a few days. They talked and ate a few meals together before she asked for a very expensive original painting from a famous artist they had hanging on the wall. It had "sentimental" value, apparently.

If he starts asking for stuff, tell him to leave immediately. He's in no position to be asking for anything except forgiveness. In fact, if he owes child support like my father did, make sure you pressure him on it. It's not fair for your mother to have to take on such a big responsibility by herself when someone else is supposed to be pulling half the weight.

I'm not saying it can't work out between you and your father, but he'll have to start acting like a man before he can be called a dad.

 

[Suzanne]

I would wait to see what his next move is and go from there, but it definitely is looking good; the fact that he openly admitted that he got in touch for pure and selfish reasons; that is pretty powerful and got you a camera, which had to mean he was thinking about your needs and well, you did say: actions speak and thus, his action has spoken, but yes, I get the confusion you feel.

 

[Autistamatic]

I couldn't tell what's for the best Matt. It's so difficult to know how to react in such situations. I think the only thing you can do is to try to hold an open mind whilst keeping your guard up.
I've been fooled by family members claiming contrition who have dumped on me later so I have my own baggage in this area. I'd find it hard to be objective if I was in your shoes right now.
For now, enjoy your new camera and wait & see I suppose.

Nice camera you've been given I shopped around for months before I got my 200D (Rebel SL2 in the US) and I'm very happy with it. It's been great for my videos and allowed me to take photography a bit more seriously. The 1300D (your T6) was very nearly the one I got until I found a deal on the 200D I could afford

 

[Mattymatt]

Thank you for your input. I tend to very often give people too much of the benefit of the doubt so I think keeping my guard up is wise. My father knows I'm dirt poor and have nothing to give him so he would never ask. I just wish I wasn't so torn inside. My situation is very ambivalent and of mixed emotions. I suppose this is something I will need to sort through. I'll just take it one day at a time. I'm skeptical when people claim they've changed because it's a story I've too often heard.

 

[Mary Lyn]

Matt why did you think he was a narcissist in the past?

 

[Mary Terry]

Thank you for your input. I tend to very often give people too much of the benefit of the doubt so I think keeping my guard up is wise. My father knows I'm dirt poor and have nothing to give him so he would never ask. I just wish I wasn't so torn inside. My situation is very ambivalent and of mixed emotions. I suppose this is something I will need to sort through. I'll just take it one day at a time. I'm skeptical when people claim they've changed because it's a story I've too often heard.

My lifelong experience with my profoundly narcissistic father taught me that they are incapable of change and are masters of manipulation. If your father is a true narcissist, then he relentlessly seeks attention and admiration and will play to your feelings of guilt to manipulate you. Be very careful if you re-engage with him.

I finally had to go "no contact" with my father. The first week I cut him off, he called 911 emergency services at least 10 times, daily and sometimes twice a day, to hoover me back. I never once inquired about why there were screaming sirens, flashing lights, ambulances and paramedics at his house. After about a week of that behavior, the paramedics told my brother that our father was attention-seeking, that there was noting wrong with him, and to stop him from calling them unless it was a true medical emergency because he was costing them money and time to respond to his calls which could have prevented them from taking care of a legitimate emergency. That illustrates the lengths that narcissists will go to in order to keep your involvement with them.

 

[Mattymatt]

My lifelong experience with my profoundly narcissistic father taught me that they are incapable of change and are masters of manipulation. If your father is a true narcissist, then he relentlessly seeks attention and admiration and will play to your feelings of guilt to manipulate you. Be very careful if you re-engage with him.

I finally had to go "no contact" with my father. The first week I cut him off, he called 911 emergency services at least 10 times, daily and sometimes twice a day, to hoover me back. I never once inquired about why there were screaming sirens, flashing lights, ambulances and paramedics at his house. After about a week of that behavior, the paramedics told my brother that our father was attention-seeking, that there was noting wrong with him, and to stop him from calling them unless it was a true medical emergency because he was costing them money and time to respond to his calls which could have prevented them from taking care of a legitimate emergency. That illustrates the lengths that narcissists will go to in order to keep your involvement with them.

Yes, they are most likely profoundly incapable of change. If my father can change, at least I know he's not narcissistic but maybe just classically autistic. Sometime people with autism are very rigid, even in the face of logic showing their behavior is wrong; I speak from personal experience. So maybe there is hope for a better relationship between the two of us. As mean spirited as this is going to sound, I am not sure I really want a relationship with my father. One kind gift does not magically undo a lifetime of psychological trauma.

 

[Venk]

Yes, they are most likely profoundly incapable of change. If my father can change, at least I know he's not narcissistic but maybe just classically autistic. Sometime people with autism are very rigid, even in the face of logic showing their behavior is wrong; I speak from personal experience. So maybe there is hope for a better relationship between the two of us. As mean spirited as this is going to sound, I am not sure I really want a relationship with my father. One kind gift does not magically undo a lifetime of psychological trauma.

and you do NOT have to have a relationship with your father if you decide you dont want to. "But hes family" dosnt mean anything, you have to look after yourself first.

If hes actually narcissistic, he cannot change.

If hes just an asshole, he maybe able to change, but that DOES NOT mean you have to let him back in your life, it sounds like hes done some pretty bad **** to you in your life and you would be fully within your "rights" as a human being to cut ties for ever, if thats what felt right.

Edited: spelling.