How does eye contact 'feel" for you.

[Gekko2508]

Awesome question!
I was always taught to look at the nasal bridge between the eyes to avoid a loop I get stuck in:
"Look at their eyes. Which one? Left? Oh no, now I seem too focused on one eye. Look at the right one. Ah, you fool, now you're flitting over their eyes, don't make them think you're nervous! ... But don't stare. Look away. Oh no. You're distracted again. Look at their eyes. Which one? Left? ..."
I don't feel any fear or discomfort, really, I just feel awkward.

 

[justin_havu]

Hate it with a passion. I hate when people look at me, especially strangers. Even if someone gives me a quick glance I'm thinking "Leave me alone!" It's less uncomfortable with someone I know, like a friend or family member, but I still hate it. Don't even get me started on hand-shaking. That's even worse!

 

[DCA]

Very interesting conversation & a lot here resonates with me.

I signed up for the forum specifically to reply to this topic. As way of introduction, I am an adult un-diagnosed (but pretty sure) Asperger's. There's just too much that seems to match up. I suspected I was on the spectrum for years.

In terms of the topic at hand, I too struggle with looking people in the eyes, especially strangers, but I know it can be important. One of the previous posters mentioned looking at the other person's mouth while talking; something I do as well. I also try to look at the bridge of the nose to "fake" it. Finally, the more agitated, nervous or anxious I get, the harder it is for me to do. It gives me an uncomfortable feeling, almost confrontational? Also, if I'm mentally coaching myself to make eye contact, it can distract me & I start to drift off, perhaps because I'm devoting more brainpower to focus on eye contact?

However I DO find it a lot easier to do with loved ones. Many of my former (& current) girlfriends have said I have this very intense stare, which I tend to do if I'm really into that person. I've mostly dated NT's though I strongly suspect my last GF was on the spectrum (her son has HFA). I try to be up-front with them & let them know that some things are more challenging for me & that I need a little more, clear communication & try to do the same back, especially since eye contact is an indicator of "romantic" interest (an area I traditionally struggled with...).

Damon.

 

[UberScout]

Everytime I'm told to make eye contact with someone, it feels like they're staring into my bodily spirit, dissolving its essence from the inside out and taking it for themselves. I feel like if I look at someone's eyes long enough, I'll never be able to look away...

 

[aspiechic]

I never knew the way I looked at peoples faces was atypical. I’ve always looked at peoples mouth. I don’t think anyone ever noticed. I didnt understand that when people said eye contact they actually meant the eyes not just the face. I asked one of my teachers if he could tell where I was looking and he said he couldn’t tell I was looking at his mouth. When I was young, my natural tendency was to look down or else where. I had to train myself to look at people’s faces (mouth) in order to portray confidence. That’s more natural for me now. Every once in awhile I’ll actually look at someone’s eyes and it just feels weird - it’s like wow there’s a whole thing there I never noticed before. Then I’m like, well which one do I look at cause I can’t focus on both them at once - I find myself shifting from eye to eye. But I still can’t seem to stay looking at the eyes. I don’t know why - I haven’t really tried though. Maybe cause it’s just easier to focus on the one thing spitting out words (I feel like it helps me decipher what they are saying too) instead of trying to shift focus back and forth. Idk.

 

[Progster]

I tend to look at a person's face, but then defocus or look away, I don't look in the eyes for any length of time. And then, which eye to look in, the left or the right?

 

[Aspie_With_Attitude]

The other day, I did a YouTube blog on making eye contact.

 

[Mark Smith]

I can make eye contact for brief periods of time, but I have trouble making eye contact when I’m talking for some reason.

 

[Noelle]

I can sometimes force myself to do it when I really don't want to, and it feels okay, but unnatural. Other times, I can just do it naturally. I've not worked out why this is. I think when I force myself to do it, I stare too long into someone's eyes. But no one has ever called me out on this before. I've been called out several times on not making eye contact.

I teach college students, and when I'm in front of the class, I think I must literally cross my eyes, or do something to make my vision blurred as I look out into the room among the students. I can't imagine what that must look like to them. When I pass someone I know (but don't particularly like or dislike), I look down quickly after we exchange greetings. I don't even want to know what people think when I do this

 

[stringer]

I teach college students, and when I'm in front of the class, I think I must literally cross my eyes, or do something to make my vision blurred as I look out into the room among the students. I can't imagine what that must look like to them.

Same for me. Someone told me once that when I teach a class, or when I give a seminar, I don't really look at the audience at all. It's true; somehow even though I may turn to face the audience quite a lot, I realised that I essentially don't see them at all, so probably I must completely defocus my eyes. Interesting that the person who told me about this had picked up on the fact that I wasn't connecting with the audience by means of any eye contact. So just pointing my face in the direction of the audience apparently doesn't fool them into thinking I am looking at them.

I suspect that, like in some of those optical illusion videos, a person in a gorilla suit could walk into my class and I wouldn't notice.

 

[the_tortoise]

Depends on the context.

When I am speaking with someone or they are speaking with me, it ends up being overloading....too much information to process (can't look and listen simultaneously, or speak and listen simultaneously).

If no words are being exchanged, it can be any number of things....depends on what they eye contact is about ....is the person glaring into my eyes (eyeballing/stare-down)? Can I read their expression and what is it? Do I know them? Are we on good terms, generally? Are we on good terms at this moment? What is happening around me? Do I have any guesses about/can I figure out why they're making eye contact?

 

[VJCJ0628]

I struggled greatly with this till I was 14 or 15 I forced myself to learn to do this, I still struggled to do this with people I was intimidated by till I was in my late 20's

While I have overcome this, My wife tells me sometimes stare too much at someone when I am talking in intense conversation , I cant tell when too much is too much at all

 

[DesertRose]

I find it hard to hear someone if I don't have my glasses on and look them in the eye. But my dad literally drilled it into me to look people in the eye when I was young, saying people do not think you to be honest if you don't look them in the eye. I don't know why he would have done that, unless I had a problem with it while young. I have a hard time remembering most of my childhood. Even my childrens' childhood is hard to remember. Except traumatic, or very intense times, that is. Sometimes, I feel my eyes are twitching when I look people in the eye, or that I can't focus on them. (Still exploring the possibility of being autistic, though I'd self diagnose.)

 

[unreality]

Ug it's always been very painful for me when someone starts talking and I have to make eye contact because it just makes me so nervous and I know they're noticing my nervousness which makes me even more nervous and it's like an avalanche effect. It's not as bad now but in my 20s quite often my face would turn red from embarrassment. I've made a lot of people freak out before lol.

 

[Anonym]

What a great discussion thread!

I have found that I avoid eye contact with most people, especially strangers. It’s just so intense and their faces get all swimmy, my chest gets tight and heavy, and I can’t concentrate on what’s being said. I will actually turn my head and point my right ear at them while my eyes tick around if they’re saying something that I know is important and have to catch all the details. And I always look away and around when I start talking.

I hadn’t even realized it was something I did atypically until I started researching asd traits. I read somewhere that an average percentage of time spent in eye contact in a given conversation is usually around 60%. 60%?! I thought it was bs and that it was only done like that on tv or in movies to create emphasis on screen, until I made a point to observe this behavior in others in real life. It seems a reasonable estimate for most folks .

I also hadn’t been aware of how strong the correlation is with the perception of honesty, as I look for other things to determine if someone is lying. In retrospect, it explains some things about difficulties I’ve experienced in the workplace, such as feeling like I’m being dismissed or not taken seriously, like my supervisors don’t seem to believe me, despite my obvious dedication to a good work ethic.

Also, I’ve been told that I have a rather penetrating gaze, so when I am able to lock in, I guess it’s pretty intense for the other party as well.

 

[Shamar]

.....their faces get all swimmy, my chest gets tight and heavy, and I can’t concentrate on what’s being said

Sounds almost like a severe allergic reaction. I get this way even before a conversation starts, with the addition of sweats, shakes, and even dizziness. For years I thought I was allergic to girls. As for eye contact, as I said before, no way.

 

[Sid Delicious]

"It depends on the person."

Definitely! I have learned to look at people at least occasionally while they are talking, but with most people it feels very forced. Especially if they are someone that I don't really 'click' with (not dislike, just polar opposite personalities). Certain women I find overly 'touchy' when I first meet them; they will get far too close, stare lots, randomly touch me or my clothing and generally irritate me. It feels like an invasion of privacy and far too intense. I imagine for an NT it might be the same sensation as a stranger talking to them with their face only inches away from their own!

If I know the person well (family, friends) then it's not really a problem. I also don't need to worry so much about making too much or too little eye contact, as they know me and don't care if I get it wrong. If I really like the person, then I tend to have the opposite problem and stare at them too much. I've also met a few unnaturally attractive (to me) people where I've realised I'm staring at them like I would a painting and have had to remind myself to stop being weird!

I used to love figure drawing classes or having models sit for me, as I could stare really intensely at the model's face, which was usually either very visually attractive or really interesting (I remember spending one morning at a local studio sketching an old woman that had really mesmerising eyes). Drawing/painting someone is a very unique situation where the rules are different. It's still intense but also very structured as you are breaking down what you see into a series of lines and shadows, and it's the one setting where I can completely let my guard down and not worry about that stuff. I've also modelled for other artists a few times and it's a similar feeling when the roles are reversed.

 

[Chris field]

I hate it. I feel like they can see my soul and they h a t e it