• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

How does eye contact 'feel" for you.

M

MarkD67

Active Member
Hi all, I hope I'm not repeating this. I'd like to hear from anyone willing to share what their inner experiences are when making eye contact. I learned at an early age that I needed to do it for survival. I've had some particular symptoms that we believed were related to my complex PTSD. However, since my psychiatrist discussed exploring ASD, I've been practising limiting my eye contact and have experienced a very significant decrease in the painful symptoms. These are a type of painful arousal (not sexual) that I'm completely unable to self-soothe, and must just allow to settle in their own time. I've also been trying to observe what I'm observing in people's eyes that is sk uncomfortable and painful to experience. I'm extremely new to this (only 2 weeks since my shrink led me to it).

Would anyone please share their experiences? Cheers Mark
 
MarkD67 said:
Hi all, I hope I'm not repeating this. I'd like to hear from anyone willing to share what their inner experiences are when making eye contact. I learned at an early age that I needed to do it for survival. I've had some particular symptoms that we believed were related to my complex PTSD. However, since my psychiatrist discussed exploring ASD, I've been practising limiting my eye contact and have experienced a very significant decrease in the painful symptoms. These are a type of painful arousal (not sexual) that I'm completely unable to self-soothe, and must just allow to settle in their own time. I've also been trying to observe what I'm observing in people's eyes that is sk uncomfortable and painful to experience. I'm extremely new to this (only 2 weeks since my shrink led me to it).

Would anyone please share their experiences? Cheers Mark
Click to expand...
I hate eye contact, the sensation is similar to mild light intolerance. I'm naturally drawn to looking at a person's mouth when interacting
 
A brief, initial eye contact happens for me.
After which I might find myself blinking a lot, looking around at other things or concentrating on the mouth.

it doesn’t really feel natural.
Natural for me anyway.

Sat in a doctors consultation room answering questions and looking around the room or straight ahead at the wall seems to be what I usually do.

Should I make direct eye contact with a person, I’ve found they’re the ones looking away.
(I can only deduce I’m staring or not quite getting the eye contact right. - I maybe making them feel uncomfortable?)
 
It makes me feel uncomfortable and weird,its something I have struggle with all my life and I even had some people demand I look them in the eye which makes me feel worse.
 
Usually very uncomfortable, like pins and needles in my back. When someone confronts me about it, I get very defensive.

BUT

When I make eye contact with someone I love and trust, it's powerful. It feels very connective. That electric energy that is usually painful becomes quite exhilarating.
 
MarkD67 said:
Hi all, I hope I'm not repeating this. I'd like to hear from anyone willing to share what their inner experiences are when making eye contact. I learned at an early age that I needed to do it for survival. I've had some particular symptoms that we believed were related to my complex PTSD. However, since my psychiatrist discussed exploring ASD, I've been practising limiting my eye contact and have experienced a very significant decrease in the painful symptoms. These are a type of painful arousal (not sexual) that I'm completely unable to self-soothe, and must just allow to settle in their own time. I've also been trying to observe what I'm observing in people's eyes that is sk uncomfortable and painful to experience. I'm extremely new to this (only 2 weeks since my shrink led me to it).

Would anyone please share their experiences? Cheers Mark
Click to expand...

I don't feel any unpleasant feelings when making eye contact. It's more like this urge to look somewhere else. Eyes are boring to look at, and I'd much rather look at more interesting things. It's like being forced to stare at a white canvas in a room full of beautiful paintings: it doesn't cause any stress, but it takes a lot of energy to keep my gaze there. This might just be me though. I don't know if other people have had a different experience.
 
It's hard to describe.

It feels wrong, distracting, and kind of overpowering. It'd difficult to focus on anything else if I'm looking someone in the eyes. Definitely makes me want to look away.

And yet, until I found out I had ASD a year ago, I didn't even realise that this wasn't the case for everyone. I thought everyone only looked people in the eyes for a second or less, then had to look away.

Since I found out I have ASD, I've paid attention and noticed that other people, if having a deep conversation, stare each other in the eyes the whole time. I couldn't do that.
 
I’ve learned to make eye contact. I generally find it pleasant, because it gives me more information about the person I’m talking to, and their intentions. The only times I dislike eye contact is when I dislike the person, when the person has “crazy eyes”, or when I see unpleasant intentions in their eyes.
 
Thank you all for your responses. It's seems on a quick reading that like everything else we are all different. However it is giving more of an idea of the OK'ness of minimising my own.
Cheers
 
It makes me uncomfortable and I find it difficult to hold a conversation if I try to force myself to look them in the eyes.
When I do look them in the eyes, it is usually for emphasis in what I'm saying.
Almost like a physical exclamation point.
I get nothing out of what they are talking about if I try to look them in the eyes while listening either.
Feels like the equivalent of difficult multi-tasking for me.

My Mom had noticed it and ask me about it when I was growing up. She had an old fashioned notion it meant I was lying.
It made me start thinking about it though and why it was not a natural thing for me.
They say the eyes are the window to the soul.
That sentence sort of fits the reason I came up with for myself. Eye to eye is a type of intimacy, bonding, letting the other person in.
Like hugging for example. Not a hugger either.
So I feel it is a natural defense mechanism to keep from having to allow closeness.
If I love the person, it is exact opposite.
I love to look into their eyes.
 
It really does depend.

How well do I know them? How close am I to them emotionally? What is the subject we are discussing? Are they happy, sad, angry?

Someone I know really, really well I can maintain eye contact with and not feel completely overwhelmed, unless they are angry.

Strangers/acquaintances it is always like a hole being bore into my skull.
 
It depends on the person. I have learned to pretend to look people most people in the eye because they like it. With my friends, they really don't care if I make eye contact with them or not, which makes eye contact feel a lot less stressful and more meaningful. It's nice, and I like studying their eyes because eyes are really very interesting and pretty.

With strangers, the whole situation is uncomfortable and restricting. If I look them in the eye, my eyes tend to water or feel like they're burning. It feels restricting, like I'm in a corner, because I can't look anywhere else. But if I do look anywhere else, then I feel guilty because I know I should look the person in the eye. So I usually end up glancing up at them, blinking a lot, and looking away. Sometimes, when I'm in my element, I can coolly make eye contact without much issue. But that's very rare.

People who have intense personalities or get too close for my liking are really really hard for me to make eye contact with. A friend's sibling in particular is really really intense and loud and not at all private, and likes to get up close and personal with people. I have given up on making eye contact with them because it's too constricting.

All in all, it's complicated.
 
It is virtually impossible for me to accurately explain the true feeling, but it feels very uncomfortable and unnatural to give eye contact, especially with people I don't know well and/or in more formal situations, also the closer the person is sitting or standing to me the more difficult it becomes, it's so much easier to just look away and in my case I usually look downward towards the floor even when I know that this isn't what NTs prefer or expect, unfortunately doing this is giving away that I'm autistic and even NT's who are completely ignorant of autism expect other people to give eye contact in conversation most of the time. If I try to force myself it's really difficult to keep eye contact for long without looking away, if the other person is still giving me eye contact I can almost sense it even when looking away and even this is somewhat uncomfortable, in these situations I will often catch myself fidgeting and stimming by for instance tapping and moving my leg back and forth and/or sometimes my hands which obviously gives away my autism even more.

So why is it so important to NTs to give eye contact in conversations? Well here is a popular answer:

"Eye contact is a form of body language which is important during communication. ... When you keep eye contact with the person you are talking to it indicates that you are focused and paying attention. It means that you are actually listening to what the person has to say."

But I can be focused, paying attention and listening to what the person has to say without eye contact. The way we feel more comfortable having conversations is in my opinion just different, the main issue is when we are being pressured to comply to an NT world.

PS: Wanting to avoid eye contact is a common autistic trait that most, but not all autistic people have. If you're autistic you will also have various other traits, although not everyone with autism has every trait and different traits can be at varying levels. A friend of mine suffers with PTSD after being severely abused throughout his childhood, he finds it very difficult to cope sometimes, but I also strongly suspect he is autistic because he has numerous autistic traits even though he's not officially diagnosed yet. You might want to try the Aspie Quiz or there's a few other online tests, they're obviously not an official diagnosis, but if you answer the questions as honestly as possible without being biased towards the outcome you want to see they can give you a very good indication, remember that even if you answer some questions against what you'd expect an autistic person to answer, the result could still indicate that you're very likely an aspie. The test indicated that my friend was very likely an aspie as does myself, although I'm officially diagnosed with ASD and OCD (please see my test scores in my signature below, the first line is the Aspie Quiz).
 
Last edited:
I've noticed that people think that you aren't listening if you don't give eye contact. Ironic, because if I don't give eye contact, I find it uncomfortable and difficult to concentrate and don't listen. I can concentrate far better without eye contact. Also, if people think that you aren't listening, they poke or touch you to catch your attention, which is also unpleasant, so it's best to try and give some eye contact.
 
Eye contact is one of the most disturbing sensations I have and would dearly love to not have to.

I am seeing a psychiatrist at the moment and I can barely look at him. I have to force myself to make eye contact and I think it is because he is challenging my entire self psychological profile and my mind is rebelling.

To me, it is like looking into someone's very being and yes, can hurt.

I can just about make eye contact with ones I feel really comfortable with and if the conversation is not long winded ( which is rather rich coming from someone who can talk non stop). But anyone I feel ill at ease with and who talks and talks, I feel very, very uncomfortable and find their head gets bigger and bigger and have to look away fast.
 
Before I found out about my Asperger's, I was aware my eye contact was atypical, in that I could make myself look into someone's eyes for a short while until they looked at me, but I would automatically look away as soon as they looked at me, and I had no way to stop myself doing that. And I never wanted to look into their eyes anyway, but vaguely comprehended that that was what one was supposed to do. It was a relief to me when I found out about the Asperger traits, because I realised I needn't feel bad about avoiding eye-to-eye contact. In fact I am also comfortable now with not trying to look at someone's eyes at all, since I would really rather not do it even when they are not looking at me.

I am really rather unclear about what "normal" eye contact amounts to, in fact. What percentage of the time, when two NTs are talking to each other, would they be engaging in eye-to-eye contact, I wonder?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

New Threads

Top Bottom