How does eye contact 'feel" for you.

[AO1501]

I am sorry for using these triggering words. I know it will upset some, who do not have ability to utilize eye content. Some good things of eye contact can be: love, acceptance. These are totally wonderful things to view in others eyes.

This doesn't upset me in any way. I, and I suspect many of us who have issues with eye contact, are aware of the connotations of failing to maintain it as might be expected of us by others. I think it sad to be judged by people who have no idea this is a problem and who apply their own negative judgement, but it is such a common experience that I barely even notice it any longer.

But on the other hand, what I can't achieve by eye contact, I am very capable of in other ways. And curiously, I have been offered all but one job I have interviewed for, and am on every interview panel for my employer. And my SO knows beyond doubt that she is loved.

 

[HidinginPlainSight]

I am sorry for using these triggering words. I know it will upset some, who do not have ability to utilize eye content. Some good things of eye contact can be: love, acceptance. These are totally wonderful things to view in others eyes.

I have the ability to make eye contact if I want to but get none of these things from it.

 

[Mary Anne]

er.

But on the other hand, what I can't achieve by eye contact, I am very capable of in other ways.

I am extremely interested in learning ...so can you explain what “other ways” work for you? Thanks.

 

[WildCat]

I am surprised at all the comments here, as I never realized it was a problem with people. I have luckily never had a problem with eye contact. I use eye contact as one of my top assessment tools. I am also guilty of “judging” others not engaging in it. Thanks for educating me. Eye contact is extremely important through my daily personal and work life minute by minute. I often probably stare too much at people and if they have “kind” eyes, or beautiful eyes, I will tell them so!

On job interview you will be judged for not having it. If you have a customer service job, it’s super important to have eye contact. For dealing with police it’s extremely important to have eye contact. For dealing with doctors, or therapists, you are assessed for lack of it. Words - or the content there of- are not the only things people are judged by. Eye contact and body language are important communications.

There so many things that are negative “judgements” when one does not have eye contact...liars, thieves, criminals, shyness, unsocial, hiding something, unfriendly, snobbishness, socialpath, crazy, rude, etc. People communitcate hate, disgust, pity, and admonishment with eye contact.

I am sorry for using these triggering words. I know it will upset some, who do not have ability to utilize eye content. Some good things of eye contact can be: love, acceptance. These are totally wonderful things to view in others eyes.

No offense taken, you do make a good point there about the importance of it all. The reasons you listed are half the battle; the other half of the battle (for me at least) is getting over the fight or flight response it triggers. It was like this since birth and trying to provide an alternate explanation for it...well, how many people do you think will buy it, let alone care?

I've made improvement over the years, but by default it's just not natural for me. Don't know about others here or beyond this forum, but most of the responses point in that direction: it doesn't come easy at all.

 

[AO1501]

I am extremely interested in learning ...so can you explain what “other ways” work for you? Thanks.

This isn't all that easy to explain to someone who is good at eye contact, but for example where you might look into someone's eyes to judge trustworthiness and truth, I judge on body language, movement and posture. My employer uses this routinely for interviews and meetings where we need rapid and reliable assessment of an individual. Someone, not usually me, will ask key questions or make key statements, and I watch for physical reactions such as slight changes of posture, hand, head and arm movements, changes in the pitch or timbre or rhythm of voice, or speed of response - probably a dozen or so tiny factors that I see and they don't - which have proven very reliable indicators.

Likewise, if I want to demonstrate to my SO that I love her, instead of looking in to her eyes so she can read that from mine (when I suspect she couldn't), I will rub her back and massage her shoulders when she has cramps, make sure she has a glass of water when it is time to take her pain medications, be there to fetch things or cook for her when she is not well. These are of course not untypical Aspie ways of demonstrating an emotional state by practical acts.... but since my SO is also an Aspie, she is capable of reading them as intended.

 

[tducey]

I have no issue with it and I try to do it in formal situations.

 

[Mary Anne]

It does not come easy to urban youth such as those known as “gang bangers” (USA), or those in the prison system. Eye contact can mean a threat-resulting in a menacingly defensive “What are you lookin’ at?” or even an invitation to fight. This is not autism, but I guess eye contact comes with the same excruciating uncomfortableness.

It is common for such people to look anywhere but at you, when they are talking. Usually they looked to the side, or down. This took me quite a bit of getting used to when I worked with both populations.

 

[nee11]

i try to look wherever i want ...and if i come to meet a person, i look them with my two eyes ...with my head fully turned towards the person( no side eyes) ..so they can gaze and then move on ..otherwise i feel that avoiding eye contact is considered rude to them... and always always stand up straight ....so people can't read your body language easily...(if they you can't fully control your facial expression, you can certainly control your body..how you stand ...how you move...)

if a gaze becomes uncomfortable you have the right to look away for some seconds(this applies to aspies and non-aspies)....and **ALWAYS** look everyone with **two eyes**..

(NO! to being nice)
kind definitely, but never nice!

 

[JoyChaos]

i go between staring at someones eyes and avoiding their eyes. i only look at their eyes when theyre not looking back. for me eye contact makes me feel static/distracted. its not something that causes me pain but it does bring me discomfort in another way.

 

[Shamar]

Like most people here, I find eye contact uncomfortable disturbing, and irritating, sometimes bordering on painful. I cannot make eye contact except accidentally, which gives other people the impression of deceit or lying. In order to appear to make eye contact, I learned to look past the person to a spot directly behind. Of course, then I get accused of staring.....

 

[WildCat]

It does not come easy to urban youth such as those known as “gang bangers” (USA), or those in the prison system. Eye contact can mean a threat-resulting in a menacingly defensive “What are you lookin’ at?” or even an invitation to fight. This is not autism, but I guess eye contact comes with the same excruciating uncomfortableness.

It is common for such people to look anywhere but at you, when they are talking. Usually they looked to the side, or down. This took me quite a bit of getting used to when I worked with both populations.

I'm one of those urban youth, not a gang-banger mind you but yeah...why did I forget this? I've lived in crime-infested areas (relatively speaking) where making eye contact with the wrong person can be perceived as a challenge or threat. That's more of a cultural thing I think, but that further compounded the problem as I was growing up.

Too bad not everyone does this, it could have been an advantage ...but then that means back to square one I suppose?

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

It is common for such people to look anywhere but at you, when they are talking. Usually they looked to the side, or down. This took me quite a bit of getting used to when I worked with both populations

Reminds me of the time I stared down a gorilla.

Don't worry - he was safe.

They had me behind toughened glass.

But gorillas glance put of the corner of their eyes at you, a direct look is a threat.

 

[Dalton]

It really isn't a problem for me anymore

 

[Mary Anne]

Reminds me of the time I stared down a gorilla.

Don't worry - he was safe.

They had me behind toughened glass.

But gorillas glance put of the corner of their eyes at you, a direct look is a threat.

Ha ha, but eye contact is very strong communication within the animal world too. Try some eye contact with a snarling barking guard dog sometime, and let me know what happens! (Make sure there is a sturdy chain link fence between you).

 

[Chance]

Reminds me of the time I stared down a gorilla.

Don't worry - he was safe.

They had me behind toughened glass.

But gorillas glance put of the corner of their eyes at you, a direct look is a threat.

The corner eye thing is about the best I can do lots of times, and it seems to intimidate some people or make them uncomfortable (never mind how uncomfortable it is for people like us)...

I don't like to have to stand directly in front of a person or people either. It just feels so weird and many people get way inside my circle of too close and that makes things even worse.

I was told to watch the movie "JOBS" I haven't done it yet, (I have only seen bits and pieces)... I was told that the way Steve Jobs often looked at people (apparently out of the corner of his eye a lot).

Two people have told me that how he looks at people, reminds them of me???? I wouldn't know because I don't know how I look while looking at other people... Just know most the time I feel like a freak and in some cases I'm kind of freaking out inside (depending on the subject, how well I know a person, and stuff like that...)

All I know is eye contact is expected and sometimes mostly demanded and it sucks, and I suck at this icky feeling exchange of ocular energy. : ) Its one thing I have not mastered how to fake (at all), plus I genuinely dislike the sickening feeling I get down deep inside at times.

 

[Its_Me_Jackie]

I surprisingly only dealt with the issue of eye contact as a child, and as i grew older i somehow just learned to look people in the eye. It's weird to say but it's most certainly true & i'm quite thankful for that.

Has anyone else ever had this happen to them?

 

[Aspie_With_Attitude]

As a YouTuber, I wish I had read this thread before making my next video feed. I sometimes feel a lack of eye contact I experience is from being distracted by other objects floating around in my surroundings.

After I watched this video on YouTube I learnt some of the props from that YouTuber.

My final question is, would a lack of eye conntact be caused by a form of anxiety?

 

[SplendidSnail]

My final question is, would a lack of eye conntact be caused by a form of anxiety?

My understanding is that it's something along the lines of getting too much information from people's eyes. That it actually is a similar thing to sensory overload.

 

[Lichi]

Reminds me of the time I stared down a gorilla.

Don't worry - he was safe.

They had me behind toughened glass.

But gorillas glance put of the corner of their eyes at you, a direct look is a threat.

My brother and me use this as a gag a lot where we know we’ve done something wrong with no bad intentions. We got it off of a science game show couple of years ago where the topic was gorillas.

 

[Veruca Salt]

it is horrible it feels like I am trapped and cannot escape and I start to panic from the discomfort. I practice doing it all the time but its more difficult for me than even normal aspies because I sometimes have a lazy eye so I'm also concerned its going to make me look weird!!

I have a theory one of the biggest reasons I have a hard time connecting with men on dates is I cant look into their eyes