how do you make friends?

[SallySlips]

I think I'm better at being a friend when it's not in person. I'll text a friend all day long and come up with witty things to say, but when I see them in person I go back to being all awkward, at least for a while. I usually keep my husband close in social settings because he's great at keeping conversation going.

 

[Yoshi08]

I have never really been much of a popular person, but through a lot of my school days, I managed to at least have a few people to hang out with, even if they weren't the best kinds of friends. I got into an abusive relationship and got stuck there through virtually all of high school and a year beyond. all of the social ties I did have were severed by the end of it, though I managed to get back with 2 friends who had become my best friends. then I found myself only hanging out with them. I had been friends with them for years and never managed to make friends with any of their friends, and most just treated me badly anyways. I found myself getting sucked up on all their drama and I couldn't take it anymore, not to mention they never really liked to go do things with me, so I ended up breaking it off with them. Now it seems harder than ever to try to make friends and I am at such a loss. I have no idea what to do. I have been forcing myself to get out and go places and to events alone, despite the social anxiety. I've been striking up conversation with people. I have learned to dance in public. Yet, nothing I do can seem to get the right kind of attention and leave the kind of impression to make a friend. The only time anyone asks to hang out with me or invites me to a party is if they are trying to hook up with me. As soon as they find out im not interested in that way, I get forgotten. How in the world do people make friends? I've tried everything I could think of.

i applaud your effort and your work on making friends and doing what you can to make it happen. your a great person to try and put yourself out there. thats a lot of effort and you try so hard, your awesome ! id totally be your friend.

as for me, its hard for me as well. i recently became friends with a group of retired people at my local coffee shop after going there everyday and sitting with them, i eventually started talking to a couple of them once in a while, and before i knew it, they let me join in on their group. now i go to my local coffee shop every morning and hang out with them and talk and joke. i love it, i am so happy and thankful to be their friend. im so much happier since becoming a part of their group.

i also have a freind who goes to the same community college as me. we met through a online friend and i found out she lives locally, so i sent her a message online through a online blogging site, and we became instant friends. i just sent her a christmas card and a xmas gift

but yeah i totally understand where your coming for and how hard it is to make friends. it really is hard to make friends especially when your older it seems to be harder.

but dont stop what your doing, you'll make friends evetually, just keep putting yourself out there and it'll happen ;0)

 

[LittlePuff]

gailt915: you have described me to a T. I do still have two friends from High School, '86

 

[anne.bc]

I have luck in this area. I am a music major, so I am close with several musicians that I play with who go to this same school. I am also in a music fraternity, so I have close bonds with a bunch of lovely ladies. It's quite nice, and it gives me a great opportunity to work on my "communicate with neurotypical friends" skills.

 

[rainbowdragon]

I have luck in this area. I am a music major, so I am close with several musicians that I play with who go to this same school. I am also in a music fraternity, so I have close bonds with a bunch of lovely ladies. It's quite nice, and it gives me a great opportunity to work on my "communicate with neurotypical friends" skills.

You are very lucky. I went to university for one year and came out with exactly zero friends.

 

[Yoshi08]

You are very lucky. I went to university for one year and came out with exactly zero friends.

*hugs* i really dont have any friends. neither does my dad. i have a group of coffee friends i see in the mornings which has helped me a lot with being able to talk to someone and enjoy coffee with, i go there everyday and evnetually started building friendships with them. its been nice.

do you use skype or anything? i can message you on skype so yuo have someone to talk to

 

[rainbowdragon]

*hugs* i really dont have any friends. neither does my dad. i have a group of coffee friends i see in the mornings which has helped me a lot with being able to talk to someone and enjoy coffee with, i go there everyday and evnetually started building friendships with them. its been nice.

do you use skype or anything? i can message you on skype so yuo have someone to talk to

I don't have Skype. The only thing I really use is Facebook. I have some people online to talk to, but it's the IRL friends that I lack. It's pretty easy to "socialize" online, but in person, it is much different. There are even some people that I know IRL and they say they are my friends, but they don't really know or care about me. It's not a true friendship.

 

[Yoshi08]

I don't have Skype. The only thing I really use is Facebook. I have some people online to talk to, but it's the IRL friends that I lack. It's pretty easy to "socialize" online, but in person, it is much different. There are even some people that I know IRL and they say they are my friends, but they don't really know or care about me. It's not a true friendship.

yeah i lack IRL friends too. its lonely.

im adding you on facebook see you there.

 

[Mozambike]

All friends I know, even in real life, I found them on the internet. We talked about everything and shared tastes and then we met in real life. I think it's better since most people hide most of themselves when they meet people in real life. I don't blame them since I do exactly the same. The thing is that I've never had a friend in school or something like that, for example. I met my first friend in 2012 at the age of 19.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Part of it is just meeting the right person.
No way to predict how or where to find that person.

 

[Mellotron]

I've wondered this myself for a little while. I don't actively seek friends in the real world really but the only ones I've had that weren't from school were bandmates. After high school I was friends with a bunch of classmates into college but kind of went my own way gradually as I realized it was kind of unfulfilling kinds of friendships for the most part. So now the few people I talk to in real life would be old bandmates. I think my only method of making friends is this way. But now I wonder how else to do it and since I don't go out too many places it seems unlikely.

 

[manca]

I don't have any friends. For last 2years or so. I do feel lonely and sad sometimes, but most of the time I'm pretty happy. It does bother me when I can't share important events or thoughts with someone, but let be honest, I don't think any of my friends ever truly appreciated things that are important to me. In the end their response (or lack of expected response) hurt me even more than not sharing and loneliness does.

 

[Biblio-Love]

I have a couple good friends and that is all I need. One is my cousin and the other I've known forever. Then there is family, and lots of them. I don't have the time or inclination to make more friends. I do have a great many of web only friends. Best kind - there when I turn my computer on and not there when I don't want them to be. I don't know how people have the time for large extensive networks of friends.

 

[Galaxy Freeze]

Honestly, I don't really know... I only have about one close friend right now. I usually wait for people to come to me instead of me going to them because I really just don't know where to start with people. Sure, I can ask what their favorite color is or where they were born, but that just feels awkward to me. I guess if I had to make a friend and actually go up to someone, I'd bond with them by finding something that we both hate! And then we'd rant from there. Most conversations I have are either rants or monologues... I think I'd be better off with very few friends or just people I casually meet online.

 

[Madame Catfish]

Simple! I don't.

I have a few acquaintances online, though. I have one friend, really, but I don't see him that often any more because he's off to college at a town two hours away. We used to chat on the phone and text on a pretty regular basis for a couple of years, but now he is too occupied with all of his jobs and a new girlfriend these past few weeks.

I'm ranting again... That tends to happen when I have a keyboard in my hand.

I find it best to try to make friends with very social and outgoing people. It's much easier than with shy people because they tend to be less fragile, you know? Some really shy people get scared away easily and are hard to form relationships with.

I guess it's great to go to book clubs and chess clubs and clubs on whatever you are interested in to meet people with similar interests. I didn't meet my friend at one (I met him on stage, weirdly), but it sounds like a good idea that would work. Maybe hanging out at a bookstore if you like books. You can always meet the most interesting people at bookstores. You can also meet interesting people under bridges, but that is a different brand of interesting.

Other than that, I try to make friends on occasion with witticisms and chat, but I usually scare them away with my nose and energy. Many people find me scary because I tend to analyse everything too much, including them. Especially what they smell like. I know I shouldn't but sometimes I accidental as people things like "You're wearing the cologne "Black" by Rue 21, aren't you?" or "What is your cat's name- of course you have a cat, you smell like you have a cat and you have a cat hair on your shoulder and your book bag has been scratched repeatedly with tiny claws like that of a cat."

So, for obsessive people like me, I think not talking as much is a good way to make friends. The less I open my mouth, the less other people are disturbed, and not disturbing others seems like a better path to friendship, right?

 

[Licorice]

I'm still trying to figure it out after taking all the conventional advice. Oftentimes, I just don't click that well with others. When I initiate with people I do, they avoid me after we spend time together.

The advice at least has helped me feel more comfortable in social settings, but it's done nothing for loneliness.

 

[Jeffmoz]

I had a small number of friends as a child, but as we grew up and the context changed we lost touch and that was the end of that. I now don't consider myself to have friends, simply acquaintances associated with specific activities- for example work, band members etc. It would be interested how many of these people would consider me as their friend. But in terms of people i would feel confident in calling upon their help when needed the total is zero. Well on second thoughts not exactly true, I do have one special friend but she is my wife.

 

[clg114]

I have very few friends and most of them have to do with some activity. I have a few friends that I golf with and a few that I shoot with. I have a few friends that I do not see unless they have something they need fixed. I call that "friendly neighborhood mechanic syndrome". I've had it for years.

 

[Datura]

When I was in school there were usually a couple of outcasts at any given time who would gravitate toward me for some reason. Some of them I liked, others I merely tolerated. We never socialized outside of school.

Out of school I had a few friends, but they were all people I had been introduced to by my parents. As we entered adulthood our core group dissolved and I was left without a social group. This was around the same time I was coming out as trans and started going to support groups. It was at a queer youth group that I started to make my first real friends who weren't the children of my parent's friends. It was confusing for me though, because many of these relationships didn't last. It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that people pass in and out of your life, and it's difficult to say who will stick around. I miss the stability of my childhood friendships.

I am no longer as involved in the queer community, but I do enjoy table top gaming. I have been to meetups and am part of a group of role players. The tabletop gaming groups were fun, but I wouldn't say I made any friends through them, just acquaintances. My role playing group is in a grey area between friend and acquaintance. Without the catalyst of gaming we really don't see each other.

Roller derby is where I met my ex with whom I am still good friends, and I met an other friend at a job search program.

Of note is that it is almost always the other person who approaches me. Sometimes I am even kind of reluctant to engage with these people, but they are persistent and prove to have redeeming qualities, so I carry on with them. I am rather bad at keeping in touch though. I sometimes remember to call somebody after months, or even years of not having any contact. Sometimes that goes well, other times it is evident our interests have drifted apart.

I also find some people to be exhausting. I have one friend who is constantly calling me with updates about her personal life that go on for half an hour or so. She is a sweet person, but rarely does she talk about anything interesting, and she repeats herself frequently. She also praises me a lot, which is kind of uncomfortable for me. I know she is trying to be a good friend and boost my self esteem, but it actually annoys me. I just don't want to hurt her feelings. Where is that aspie tactlessness when I need it?

 

[tree]

I was going to say
take some paper mache
or maybe some clay,
but you probably don't mean it
exactly that way.