how do you make friends?

[rainbowdragon]

I have never really been much of a popular person, but through a lot of my school days, I managed to at least have a few people to hang out with, even if they weren't the best kinds of friends. I got into an abusive relationship and got stuck there through virtually all of high school and a year beyond. all of the social ties I did have were severed by the end of it, though I managed to get back with 2 friends who had become my best friends. then I found myself only hanging out with them. I had been friends with them for years and never managed to make friends with any of their friends, and most just treated me badly anyways. I found myself getting sucked up on all their drama and I couldn't take it anymore, not to mention they never really liked to go do things with me, so I ended up breaking it off with them. Now it seems harder than ever to try to make friends and I am at such a loss. I have no idea what to do. I have been forcing myself to get out and go places and to events alone, despite the social anxiety. I've been striking up conversation with people. I have learned to dance in public. Yet, nothing I do can seem to get the right kind of attention and leave the kind of impression to make a friend. The only time anyone asks to hang out with me or invites me to a party is if they are trying to hook up with me. As soon as they find out im not interested in that way, I get forgotten. How in the world do people make friends? I've tried everything I could think of.

 

[cheetoe80]

I asked my current therapist if he had anything for me that would help me get socially normal last time I saw him, sort of along the same lines as what you are asking, he just suggested that I join a church or volenteer somewhere.. so I'm going to have to say that if you're like me you just don't.

 

[Pella]

I think one thing, is to figure out what you need out of a friendship. For me I am starting to think part of why I wanted friends so bad, was that I thought I was supposed to, and if I didn't have friends there was something wrong with me. Now my best friends are my brother and my sister, and yeah it would be nice to have someone to talk to in person once in awhile to go and do stuff with. But in the past, when I was so desperate for friends, I ended up with friends that weren't into the things I was into, and I just felt lonely around them. I am thinking for me now, that I would rather go and do something by myself and do what I want to do, than to go with someone else and not do what I want to do. I think I let other people tell me what it was to be socially healthy, and I could never achieve that so I felt bad and kept trying, so I think I need to redefine what socially healthy is for me.

So I guess ask yourself what you want from a friend, is it common interests, someone who can listen, how much time do you want to spend with a friend. And know that not everyone can meet those needs.

 

[rainbowdragon]

I know what I want in a friend. I have done what you've done and tried hanging out with ppl I didn't have much uncommon with. I do also feel lonely around these ppl and bored too. For the most part, these ppl just screwed me over. I've been treated poorly, stolen from, made fun of. It's just a waste of time. But im very lonely. I don't want friends because I am expected to have.them, but because I want to share experiences with ppl. my family is dysfunctional and I don't really have anyone to talk to, go to get advice from, share memories with. my therapist basically just tells me I am too picky. I feel like there's got to be somebody out there I can get along with, but I have no clue as to where to look or how to leave a good impression on the right ppl, so we can get to know each other.

 

[rainbowdragon]

Yeah my therapist basically tells me the same thing. I am going to many kinds of events and stuff, but it doesn't do any good when I still don't understand how to actually make a connection with them and get them to even remember me. As soon as I say anything, im instantly austricized because my views and interests are so different from everybody. I don't think he really understands what im asking when I ask him how to make friends. Then im told im pessimist.

 

[Pella]

I get that too. I do know I would like to have people to go to the art gallery with and stuff because I can discuss my thoughts and I think i would remember it better, and I think it would be more meaningful to me. I guess other than interest specific, like for me would be going to the writer's guild at the college (i asked and I don't have to be a student to go). The problem is, I would have to leave the house and interact with others. One thing that was suggest was meetup.com. Its basically social groups with certain interests that meet in real life. I do make friends easily at least I used to, but I couldn't keep them, they just either weren't good people or weren't the right people for me i guess. Otherwise, I guess I don't really know how to make friends, but I think i gotta figure stuff out about myself first.

 

[HUSKAMUTE]

Theres so many asholes out there. That all they car about is image not the truth. They live in pretend little worlds copying others. I call em sheeps lol. My best frend is my sister. I know what its like with sosal anxiety i use too hate myself i tryed to kill myself (never worth it circanstances can always change) yet i am a lot more confident now i still quite paranoid. I find the best way is be true to your self what you thinks right and dont let others run you down with there lies and if they do shrug and it gets to you shug it off or confront them its the only way. There are some people who only feel big by putting others down truth be told they prob insucure themselfs. The average chav example act all hard when in gang or think you aint gona do much back this guy (with his gang of 8 people) started on my sisters boy friend on her birthday i could see what was gona hapendend and i fliped prob as my sister was there decked him on ground gess what they ran off. Every time he sees me now he like allright mate bloody twat. Its not hard to be bully or go with flow its much harder to stand up against them or the flow. So dnt look up to them for know reson give them respect and exspect the same in return. I dont mean get aragant but Learn to love who you are.

 

[HUSKAMUTE]

I refused to go to school messed up coledge lost basically the few mates i had all cause of people and phobia. Dnt let it happen to you cause you are great. If your Weird it just means your different and if your different then surely it means your speacial.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

Yeah my therapist basically tells me the same thing. I am going to many kinds of events and stuff, but it doesn't do any good when I still don't understand how to actually make a connection with them and get them to even remember me. As soon as I say anything, im instantly austricized because my views and interests are so different from everybody. I don't think he really understands what im asking when I ask him how to make friends. Then im told im pessimist.

sounds like the story of my life. lol

I just want friends because I'm unemployed and I don't have much besides my pets and my husband. I force myself to go to clubs and volunteer to get out there. so far I haven't had anything too bad happen. But the quilting group I have joined is mostly 50+ women and they are not so worried about the same crap people my age are. And the dog club I have joined I mostly am acquaintances with people who my dogs like. The volunteer group I fit in most with and I found an unlikely friend in the father of a the woman who runs it all. I just wish I could catch up with him more without being inappropriate.

The more you get out the more likely you are to meet someone who will look past your weirdness. I found it hard at the last uni I was at because the queen bee decided she didn't like me and group work I was always on my own because no one wanted to be near me. I never understood it.

90% of the opinion someone has of you is formed in the first 30 seconds of meeting (or something to that effect). Us poor aspies are up the creek without a paddle indeed.

And yes people use you all the time. I know a person who has used me multiple times for photography. At first I was willing to provide her the pictures for free and so on because she was a friend but then she turned on me. She has the pictures all over her website and I'm not mentioned anywhere. As I would love to make money from photography that really eats at me. I want to do something about it but my husband refuses to let me. He says its not worth it. I just get tired of people using my good nature.

@pella ... I too would love to have someone (other than my husband) to go to art galleries and cultural things (what few there are in my hick town) and discuss deep thoughts but those people are few and far between and if they have aspergers they probably will be too anxious to come say hello lol

 

[Marycv]

I can relate what you are going through. Throughout my life I've had difficulty making friends, and I still do. I try my best but it is very hard, and it's not as easy as everyone says it is. I knew this girl, who I thought was a good friend, and sadly she didn't understand me because of my PDD. Due to that she changed and couldn't accept me. That is the major problem I have, people notice I am different, and they don't understand. Hopefully things will work out for you.

 

[Jontish]

Every friend I've ever had approached me, I've never taken the initiative... Now I don't have any, and have no idea how to make new ones...

 

[rainbowdragon]

I relate. Most of the friends I've had approached me too. I wish I could go back to elementary days when people just asked, "Do you want to be friends?" and that was that. Now, no one is forward. There's all these weird unwritten rules and they don't seem to make any sense. I've been trying to take initiative though for the last few years, but maybe I'm not doing it right.

 

[HelloDizzy]

I tend to make friends through people following me (in-person friends.) They often look to me. I don't have a lot of that going on since I don't go much of anywhere, but that's how I usually make them, they find me.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

Every friend I've ever had approached me, I've never taken the initiative... Now I don't have any, and have no idea how to make new ones...

I too am in this rut atm ... I find it comes and goes in cycles though this has been my longest rut because of where I live. I'm starting to not care too much ... friends just create problems and use you and I'm more or less happy enough to just have my husband around and the little bit of volunteer work. I imagine this attitude will change when I have a baby because then I will crave sentences with more than one word lol.

 

[Alma]

Well, Dragon's Tooth, if the baby you'll have will be older, you'll not only have to crave sentences with more than one word, but you'll have endless discussions and the worst thing about these discussions will be that they're not based on rational arguments, but on emotions and stuff, lol, believe me, my teenage daughter keeps me busy with this and so does youngest daughter...ugh

 

[sencha]

I have very high standards for friends, I think. It's certainly not that they have to be perfect; that's not it at all. It's just that I figure if we were meant to be friends, it'll happen... somehow . If it wasn't meant to be, then it won't happen. I basically just let things happen naturally (what's natural for me, anyway). Kind of like HelloDizzy's response. I'm just waiting to run into the right people at the right time. I don't actively seek out friends unless I see something in them that makes me think they'll understand me and that things will work out. I think this is why I don't have many (any?) true friends at the moment. I'd rather find GOOD friends than simply casual acquaintances.

 

[Biblio-Love]

If you are into cameras join a camera club, or if you like gourmet food join a foodies club. Finding people with similar interests helps. Having said that, I have found that a couple really good friends is better than a lot of acquaintances with a lot of drama.

 

[SallySlips]

I tend to become friends with outgoing people, so I don't have to try too hard to be social. For some reason I attract people who push their friendship on me. If they're nice people, I tolerate it; if they're not, I'm out. Even if they're nice I'm usually kind of stand-offish at first, until I realize that I like being around them.

 

[Arashi222]

How I make friends is usually someone talking to me about one of my interests. So usually it is dolls. like at doll meets and such the few outings I go on other than work.

 

[gailt915]

I have not had a real friend in the last 10 years. I've had friendly relationships with people at work, but not done anything outside of the workplace. It always feels like I rub most people the wrong way, but I don't know exactly what I'm doing wrong. And then there's the 'leaving the house' issue. Once I'm home it is really hard for me to be motivated enough to leave again. What if the friend wants to do something I don't or there's too many other people or too many sensory stressors involved??
I don't even know how to be a good friend, really. Always seems to end up badly.