DogwoodTree
Still here...
Does anyone else have people who use guilt trips regularly to manipulate others around them?
My family uses this tactic frequently. Someone isn't happy about something. So they blame the situation on someone else in an effort to make that person feel guilty about it and maybe fix it out of a sense of obligation.
Sometimes I can just brush it off, and sometimes I don't even realize it's a guilt trip until later. The ones that really get me angry, though, are the ones where I realize during the conversation that the person is being manipulative, and I'm struggling to maintain control of my own emotions and not lash back at them, but I can't think fast enough to have a good comeback to defend myself. Then five minutes after the conversation is over, or two hours, or two days, I finally see so clearly exactly what was so wrong with what the person said. But by then it's too late.
This just happened with my mom. We were talking on the phone about plans for her to get some time in with my kids before she leaves on a trip. She asked about one time, but we already had something planned. Then she realized her calendar didn't have another time easily available for her for another week. So she got all whiny, "I just want to see the kids. I feel like I haven't had any time with them for months!"
As soon as we hung up, I realized...she just spent the majority of last weekend with them, for a week before that she was on a trip, and for the month before that DH and I had to start putting the brakes on her time with the kids because she was taking them for this or that or something else every weekend and sometimes throughout the week. So then I would be working long hours through the week and get to the weekend and not get time with my own kids because my mom had already taken off with them somewhere!
It just makes me so angry, that she would blame me for her feeling so lonely...that she would use my kids to try to alleviate her loneliness (why can't she get some ADULT friends??)...that she would get so grabby with my kids and make it out like I'm the problem because sometimes I say "no" to her.
If I could think of quick, snarky comebacks to keep people from feeling like they can get away with making me guilty for their problems, seems like it would help. But I just don't see through the problem that quickly.
To make matters worse, this call happened at the end of a stressful day where she had been fussing at me for not getting enough work done this week, despite the fact I put in a hard week and I'm exhausted and did the best I could. I'm not a magician. I can't complete two weeks' worth of work in one week. It just doesn't work that way.
And now we're spending hours tomorrow with more family events (remember how my youngest sister planned her own birthday party? yep...that's tomorrow). And Mom asked for dinner with the kids on Monday (which means I have to go because she can't handle all 4 by herself). And a sleepover with at least one of the kids next weekend. And invited herself to come along for an outing with me, my DDs, and one of their friends next weekend. And really wants to take the kids to visit her mom this weekend, even though we have a church event tomorrow evening that they would miss.
I kind-of said no to the out-of-town trip, and told her I'm just not comfortable letting them travel when I'm stressed. I get worried about them, and I can't handle the stress of all that when I'm stressed about work, too. But then later she said to let her know if DH was okay with their going with her. Did she not hear what I said??
I wish she would get a life of her own and stop sucking the life out of us...and then making me feel like I'm being so insensitive to her when I say no to some of the time she wants with us.
My family uses this tactic frequently. Someone isn't happy about something. So they blame the situation on someone else in an effort to make that person feel guilty about it and maybe fix it out of a sense of obligation.
Sometimes I can just brush it off, and sometimes I don't even realize it's a guilt trip until later. The ones that really get me angry, though, are the ones where I realize during the conversation that the person is being manipulative, and I'm struggling to maintain control of my own emotions and not lash back at them, but I can't think fast enough to have a good comeback to defend myself. Then five minutes after the conversation is over, or two hours, or two days, I finally see so clearly exactly what was so wrong with what the person said. But by then it's too late.
This just happened with my mom. We were talking on the phone about plans for her to get some time in with my kids before she leaves on a trip. She asked about one time, but we already had something planned. Then she realized her calendar didn't have another time easily available for her for another week. So she got all whiny, "I just want to see the kids. I feel like I haven't had any time with them for months!"
As soon as we hung up, I realized...she just spent the majority of last weekend with them, for a week before that she was on a trip, and for the month before that DH and I had to start putting the brakes on her time with the kids because she was taking them for this or that or something else every weekend and sometimes throughout the week. So then I would be working long hours through the week and get to the weekend and not get time with my own kids because my mom had already taken off with them somewhere!
It just makes me so angry, that she would blame me for her feeling so lonely...that she would use my kids to try to alleviate her loneliness (why can't she get some ADULT friends??)...that she would get so grabby with my kids and make it out like I'm the problem because sometimes I say "no" to her.
If I could think of quick, snarky comebacks to keep people from feeling like they can get away with making me guilty for their problems, seems like it would help. But I just don't see through the problem that quickly.
To make matters worse, this call happened at the end of a stressful day where she had been fussing at me for not getting enough work done this week, despite the fact I put in a hard week and I'm exhausted and did the best I could. I'm not a magician. I can't complete two weeks' worth of work in one week. It just doesn't work that way.
And now we're spending hours tomorrow with more family events (remember how my youngest sister planned her own birthday party? yep...that's tomorrow). And Mom asked for dinner with the kids on Monday (which means I have to go because she can't handle all 4 by herself). And a sleepover with at least one of the kids next weekend. And invited herself to come along for an outing with me, my DDs, and one of their friends next weekend. And really wants to take the kids to visit her mom this weekend, even though we have a church event tomorrow evening that they would miss.
I kind-of said no to the out-of-town trip, and told her I'm just not comfortable letting them travel when I'm stressed. I get worried about them, and I can't handle the stress of all that when I'm stressed about work, too. But then later she said to let her know if DH was okay with their going with her. Did she not hear what I said??
I wish she would get a life of her own and stop sucking the life out of us...and then making me feel like I'm being so insensitive to her when I say no to some of the time she wants with us.