How do I convince my doubtful parents of my autism?

[NyanbinaryNyahess]

Hi, so I was diagnosed with autism back in March this year. It’s a big deal to me because I’m only being diagnosed now as an adult in college. At this point, I’ve much accepted it along with my friends. Receiving the accommodations I needed was life-changing.
However, it’s difficult for my parents to do so, which is understandable. They likely saw me grow up and miss all of the signs, and my school did the same. Maybe it’s because I’m AFAB and POC. But because of how long it took to be noticed, my parents seem doubtful of my diagnosis. When I first told them, they wanted me to get another diagnosis while the psychologist I went specialized in neurodivergency and learning disabilities. I feel obligated to show them my diagnosis report so they’d stop, but it’s difficult when they don’t have a very high opinions of mental illness or disabilities in general. Partially because of their own biases but mostly from cultural taboos in Asian culture. The way they talk about those make me feel invalidated or like an alien. I understand where they’re coming from and why they are so doubtful but man does it hurt to not only have my depression and anxiety be ignored but also my ADHD and autism. I dunno what to do, considering that they can be very stubborn with their ideals.

 

[VictorR]

Out of curiosity, do you have relatives (especially parents or grandparents) who show signs of being on the spectrum themselves?

The reason I ask is that in my experience, those with undiagnosed parents or other family members sometimes find it harder to gain acceptance from family, since things that make you autistic are things that they've seen in others (or even themselves) and so they don't consider them to be "different".

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I definitely hear you in that Asian cultures tend not to speak of differences.

Sometimes even words can have certain connotations, for example, in another thread

Autism and its portrayal in different languages

I was originally writing this as a response in the thread Could someone let me know some facts about ASD? but given this goes off on a tangent, I thought it might be better to create a separate thread. lol COVID makes people love isolation. One interesting thing in Chinese is, the translation...

www.autismforums.com

I discussed how the term "autism" in Chinese (and Japanese) literally means "self closed..." which can on its own result in misunderstandings.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

What you can do is be the best you, you can be.

 

[AdamG]

I'm 55 and just self diagnosed not long ago. Parents and families can be funny. From my mom, she told me that she "always suspected I was on the spectrum" but "autism is just too far". Mom, what do you think "on the spectrum" means? And then she told me that I've always been this way, so just ignore it, don't change anything, you are perfect how you are. Well. I'm sure she was trying to be nice. But knowing this about me means changing the way I look at things, myself and my environment and how they mesh. How my freak-outs are actually just me not respecting my boundaries. About how I no longer need feel guilt over being "so different". And most of all, remembering my past life, and re-interpreting a lot of the pent up frustration, self-torture, and guilt that had been plaguing me all my life.
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So, while family support and understanding is definitely desirable and helpful, it is not always necessary. Especially if no longer supported by / living with the family in question.
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I don't have any advice for you on how to handle the family situation for yourself. Hopefully you and they can get along even with misunderstanding or disagreement. If not, maybe try not to speak about it to them about autism, but still respect your own boundaries and take space when you need.
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And I'm sure others will chime in with more to say

 

[NyanbinaryNyahess]

Out of curiosity, do you have relatives (especially parents or grandparents) who show signs of being on the spectrum themselves?

The reason I ask is that in my experience, those with undiagnosed parents or other family members sometimes find it harder to gain acceptance from family, since things that make you autistic are things that they've seen in others (or even themselves) and so they don't consider them to be "different".

---

I definitely hear you in that Asian cultures tend not to speak of differences.

Sometimes even words can have certain connotations, for example, in another thread

Autism and its portrayal in different languages

I was originally writing this as a response in the thread Could someone let me know some facts about ASD? but given this goes off on a tangent, I thought it might be better to create a separate thread. lol COVID makes people love isolation. One interesting thing in Chinese is, the translation...

www.autismforums.com

I discussed how the term "autism" in Chinese (and Japanese) literally means "self closed..." which can on its own result in misunderstandings.

Possibly my maternal grandmother and mother. But they’ve never been diagnosed and probably never will because of the stigmatism behind it/their own views.

As for autism in Vietnamese, it does contain the word “bệnh,” which usually means “sick” in the sense of a physical illness (a cold or a disease). I’m no good at Viet, but autism is “bệnh tự kỷ,” so it means probably something like “self illness/disease for a period/age,” maybe. Not the best translation of autism.

 

[NyanbinaryNyahess]

I'm 55 and just self diagnosed not long ago. Parents and families can be funny. From my mom, she told me that she "always suspected I was on the spectrum" but "autism is just too far". Mom, what do you think "on the spectrum" means? And then she told me that I've always been this way, so just ignore it, don't change anything, you are perfect how you are. Well. I'm sure she was trying to be nice. But knowing this about me means changing the way I look at things, myself and my environment and how they mesh. How my freak-outs are actually just me not respecting my boundaries. About how I no longer need feel guilt over being "so different". And most of all, remembering my past life, and re-interpreting a lot of the pent up frustration, self-torture, and guilt that had been plaguing me all my life.
.
So, while family support and understanding is definitely desirable and helpful, it is not always necessary. Especially if no longer supported by / living with the family in question.
.
I don't have any advice for you on how to handle the family situation for yourself. Hopefully you and they can get along even with misunderstanding or disagreement. If not, maybe try not to speak about it to them about autism, but still respect your own boundaries and take space when you need.
.
And I'm sure others will chime in with more to say

Yeah, I’m lucky to have support from my friends. But I’m still dependent on my family and are around them a lot, so it’d be nice if they could try and understand. They don’t have the best perception of mental illnesses or just “not being fully normal” in any form, and it’s hard to have both of them sitting down in the same place and time to chat because of their schedules. I dunno, maybe I’ll let things simmer for a bit more before bringing it up again. I’ll probably just show them the report so they understand my diagnosis more.

 

[AdamG]

Yeah, I’m lucky to have support from my friends. But I’m still dependent on my family and are around them a lot, so it’d be nice if they could try and understand. They don’t have the best perception of mental illnesses or just “not being fully normal” in any form, and it’s hard to have both of them sitting down in the same place and time to chat because of their schedules. I dunno, maybe I’ll let things simmer for a bit more before bringing it up again. I’ll probably just show them the report so they understand my diagnosis more.

Maybe you can explain to them that autism is not a disease? It is a development of the brain which is different from most people. I think I can safely say, that social issues are difficult for autistic people, and that also we can excel in our special interests (which can change over time). So what is easy for most, we find difficult, and what is difficult for most, we can find very easy. This is not a disease. Maybe if they understand that, it can help?

 

[NyanbinaryNyahess]

Maybe you can explain to them that autism is not a disease? It is a development of the brain which is different from most people. I think I can safely say, that social issues are difficult for autistic people, and that also we can excel in our special interests (which can change over time). So what is easy for most, we find difficult, and what is difficult for most, we can find very easy. This is not a disease. Maybe if they understand that, it can help?

I have tried before—the day after I told them, I had a call with them since I was away at college at the time. I tried my best to explain that nothing has changed except for me getting the diagnosis, and it’s something I’ve always had and is. But I don’t think they believe me or fully understand. Mental health/illnesses/disorders are rarely ever discussed so I can get why they’re hesitant to accept/have trouble understanding.

 

[AdamG]

I have tried before—the day after I told them, I had a call with them since I was away at college at the time. I tried my best to explain that nothing has changed except for me getting the diagnosis, and it’s something I’ve always had and is. But I don’t think they believe me or fully understand. Mental health/illnesses/disorders are rarely ever discussed so I can get why they’re hesitant to accept/have trouble understanding.

Well I think the best I would be able to do in that situation, is just not talk to them about it. Because nothing has really changed about you, but it has, because you KNOW now, so you will change at least just by knowing. You just don't have to tell them about it. Especially since you said you have friends, who are supportive.
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Around family, maybe just say "I need space" and go take space, when feeling overloaded. And as long as they do not nag about it, do whatever special interest for however long, as long as eating and sleeping and hygiene are done. It depends on your family, of course, and if they will just respect simple requests like that.
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[Neonatal RRT]

How can your parents understand and gain some acceptance? Here is the thing you must understand. They have to do it themselves. That's the harsh reality. No amount of education about the condition is going to be useful. No parent wants to accept that they have a child that is different, especially if it also has a social stigma attached to it. Anyone who has "come out" as gay, lesbian, etc. to their parents will empathize with this. Some parents are more the "He/she is my child. I love my child. I will support them." and then there are the parents that make it about them, their embarrassment, their failings, how could they have missed this, to total denial, to rejecting their child. So, you really have to know your parents, and even then, there are risks involved.

 

[Tom]

Something I have noticed is that some people need time to let things sink in. Sometimes a lot of time. I don't think there is any real danger in making the report available to them though as an adult I would think thats your choice and not required anymore. They might not read it now, but then someday decide to give it a look. I think it may be best to focus on your own life and play the long game with your parents on this issue. I think its a good idea to avoid too much pushing in either direction and making it 'The Big Issue'. Just trying to keep the communication lines open and relations good is valuable and facilitates resolving problems down the road.

 

[NyanbinaryNyahess]

How can your parents understand and gain some acceptance? Here is the thing you must understand. They have to do it themselves. That's the harsh reality. No amount of education about the condition is going to be useful. No parent wants to accept that they have a child that is different, especially if it also has a social stigma attached to it. Anyone who has "come out" as gay, lesbian, etc. to their parents will empathize with this. Some parents are more the "He/she is my child. I love my child. I will support them." and then there are the parents that make it about them, their embarrassment, their failings, how could they have missed this, to total denial, to rejecting their child. So, you really have to know your parents, and even then, there are risks involved.

I understand where you’re coming from.

How can your parents understand and gain some acceptance? Here is the thing you must understand. They have to do it themselves. That's the harsh reality. No amount of education about the condition is going to be useful. No parent wants to accept that they have a child that is different, especially if it also has a social stigma attached to it. Anyone who has "come out" as gay, lesbian, etc. to their parents will empathize with this. Some parents are more the "He/she is my child. I love my child. I will support them." and then there are the parents that make it about them, their embarrassment, their failings, how could they have missed this, to total denial, to rejecting their child. So, you really have to know your parents, and even then, there are risks involved.

yeah, my parents are caught up on how they missed all of the signs and such while I was growing up. They’re probably just bothered because it came out all of the sudden.