HELP !! With Aspie Friend

[AspieFriend]

Hello

Thanks for taking the time to read this. My best friend has Asperger's. She is also my wife's best friend so we are all very close. I only recently learned she had Asperger's & felt like I knew her but have come to find she is having an entirely different experience than I thought. I read Asper Girls by Rudy Simone in a day as I was so fascinated. I had previously read several books on Autism but knew little to nothing about Asperger's.

What I am hoping to learn is how to be a better friend. I feel like what I thought was positive (talking about emotions, complimenting her) is not received well & I want to understand her experience more so I can be that best friend she deserves. She is going thru so much in her life ... she's brilliant but under constant attack ... so she shuts down .. I want to know what works for you all .. I feel like I am starting all over

We have never had a better friend .. she's amazing ... & I am hoping to learn from you all how we can return the love ...

 

[paloftoon]

Sorry you haven't gotten a response sooner. Maybe people on here are stumped or missed your message. Aspergers and high functioning autism are pretty similar actually. Each person is different, but I think the best things I can think are to be blatantly honest and forthright in a 1-1 setting when necessary. Respect her and treat her as a human being as you would expect to be treated. Don't treat her any less like she is incapable just because she has a diagnosis. If you feel your potentially deep friendship is held up by her other experiences, maybe you can consider writing a letter or e-mail to her. That way she has time to process it and see you more for who you really are, and what your intentions are. Keep us updated! Good luck.

 

[Mia]

Although every person with Asperger's is different, there are some commonalities for females that seem somewhat usual. Giving someone time to think and respond in social interchanges is helpful, as Aspie females will often learn by 'imitation' from an early age. So much so that as adults it becomes normal to use these useful 'scripts' that they learned along the way from other people, television, books and movies. After awhile they no longer think of it as imitation, it becomes a social skill, albeit a feigned one.

An Aspie will often be suspect of the usual compliments and pleasantries, as they often see through social conventions as fake and superficial, although to fit in they will use them. The bantering and interchanges and usual conversations that people have, tend toward being thought of by many Aspies as superfluous. They often don't see the point in them, and would rather learn something new or spend time alone with their interests. As for friendships, Aspies want connections with other people, but not in the sense that regular people do. It's much more like an interchange of information than anything else. My own friendships are more like that, and if someone is interested in something that I'm interested in and can discuss the subject that's even better. It seems that Aspies continually learn throughout their lives, at least some of us do, and having a friend with similar interests is a bonus.

 

[Warmheart]

She's already winning if she has such a caring, concerned friend as yourself! Just putting effort into learning about ASD is showing how much you care for your friend.

Another great book is Nerdy, Shy, amd Socially Inappropriate by Cynthia Kim. A super easy Facebook page to read is The Girl With The Curly Hair.

We usually enjoy sharing our special interests with those we wish to forge a connection with, so you might wish to offer one of her passions as a topic for discussion. Not much for small talk, we tend to enjoy topical conversations better.

Please feel free to ask us whatever questions you like. As we are all individuals, you can really learn the most by asking your friend how her ASD impacts her. In generalizing, most of us socialize when we have enough social energy to do so, and while we may not have large amounts of friends, we really cherish the friends we do have.