Having your differences be dismissed by neurotypicals

[Full Steam]

Sometimes I can't tell whether my social mistakes are due to my autism, or just social mistakes that anyone could make. I can't tell if I'm being an asshole, or if it's not my fault because it's just my autism.

I know what you mean, but if you look at behaviour it always seems to comes from somewhere, like conditioning, autism, brain shape, habit, pain, memory of pain etc.

If some one is being a dick, where does that behaviour begin? And is it their fault?

 

[Sashi]

You are not alone by any means. It bothers me too. Those closest are the least accepting; whereas, I've gotten tons of support from those in my outer circle. I heard a line in a movie that gives me a chuckle because there's an element of truth in it for me: no one loves you like your family but no one understands you less.

 

[umbrellabeach]

Sometimes I get made fun of at work for my auditory processing issues. Once a customer was mumbling while the front end was noisy, and when I asked him to repeat himself he accused me of daydreaming. I also have a coworker who doesn't talk very clearly (worse, she's now a manager) and laughs at me for asking her to repeat or clarify. Does this count as dismissing my issues?

I'm torn between explaining my issues to them and keeping it to myself because maybe they don't deserve to know if they act like that in the first place.

AND WHY DO PEOPLE MUMBLE IN NOISY ENVIRONMENTS AT ALL???

Yep, I get that too. Oh everyone suffers; etc.

So, now I do not say anything about aspergers, because in truth, people do not care. It means they have to make the effort to bend over backwards to be accommodating to us, and do not wish to make that effort.

I see that I am on my own with what I go through; but at the same time, I do have my God, whom I love and He helps me very much.

And yet...

 

[Adora]

I prefer not to tell many people due to misunderstandings and I feel I do not need to disclose it to someone unless it is brought up somehow but I know the feeling of being dismissed,I have had a aunt who while is accepting of it still sometimes doesn't get it,she will say things like " we just thought you were very shy" but I still feel like I have to explain it to her which is annoying but I was even told by my psychologist that I will come across people who won't understand which is sad.

 

[On the Inside]

I won't disclose to someone, unless they are sympathetic, understanding and in no position to use it against me. As Judge said "need to know basis".

Other than a therapist, my physician, my SO, and (regretably) my supervisor, I haven't told anyone. I can imagine getting a lot of "everyone feels that way...you shouldn't fixate on things..." even from people who have always thought I was different.

Yes, I am different and it has a name, but I guess some would prefer to just call it weird. Maybe it is hard for people to understand that other people, whether from a different culture, age group, education level or neurology might experience reality differently.

I have always felt that every individual has a unique view on life, a perspective drawn from their experiences, locations, environments.

 

[brookegaf]

Lo

My entire life, although as a child it was ascribed to my being a 'weirdo.' You're not delusional, your friend is being controlling and dismissive in their own way.

Love how people say that you are wasting time analyzing things, but as soon as you've thought it through and you come up with an alternative way, they adopt it immediately.

Without considering the source of the help and the thought process involved, people steal others ideas quite a bit, and pretend they either didn't know who thought of them, or delude themselves into thinking they came up with it themselves.

Love this response!

Looking at my friend this way has actually helped me deal with it better as she does have problems with control (so it makes sense).

Omg true that!! These are the same people who want to look at my high distinction essays to get ideas off me.....

 

[brookegaf]

The biggest issue I've experienced with my issues being dismissed were by a doctor (psych) who dismissed my rather meager suggestion of Asperger's. He said things such as, "I can tell by looking at you that you don't have it," or "If it would make you feel better to self-diagnose, etc. As I am someone who does NOT want to be viewed as a hypochondriac (a parent was), I rarely bring up issues with medical professionals unless I have a reason to ask. I felt dismissed and dejected after that appointment, and sulked away.

When I was actually diagnosed -- and explained I had been overlooked due to a different 'presentation' than most doctors expected -- I had validation that I did, in fact, see things differently than others. I have always seen differing opinions, different solutions, legitimate possibilities for someone's seemingly nonsensical scenario, etc. Even watching Judge Judy, who always says, "If it doesn't make sense, it isn't true." I can always come up (instantly) where a situation which doesn't make sense to her makes complete sense to me.

I don't give out my diagnosis freely, and if I have questions I know others will scoff at, I'll preface them with, "I have a question I need help understanding...." and then I'll proceed. I'm usually asking "why" someone might do what they did, or acted.

For example, there is a car dealer who publicizes (on air) that, "I even give loans to dead people!" I couldn't understand why someone could advertise what I assumed was illegal behavior, until someone explained the ad was saying they don't check references or match social security numbers. It gave a different option I hadn't thought of (although I still thought it was wrong).

No two people (NT or otherwise) think alike, and sometimes it's just part of who you are. I am often the only person present who knows the eventual "bad" case scenario of a possible outcome, and I'm always explaining to others how their situations can or will be viewed as positive or negative (business situations) or why you have to protect yourself against people doing you wrong.

It doesn't mean I think differently, it just means I have had experiences that others can learn from. People who don't have Asperger's don't know how we think; they only know how our thinking varies from theirs (based on their training, words, vocabulary). Other Aspies often (but not always) understand each other better, or at least understand someone's questions (if they explain to us).

Yeah, I know that pain. I was also overlooked and misdiagnosed for over a decade. What a relief it was to know that the years of feeling isolated, confused and alone had an answer!!

I'm the same with adds on TV.. Can't stand them!! They are so frustrating for me.

Yeah, I think that's a good philosophy to stand by.
I feel as though nobody would suspect it by just looking at me but once I open up and start to become more comfortable I can see a shift in them when they realise I'm not "normal". I'm actually quite flattered by some individuals curiousity about me.. It has been happening quite frequently since going to university. Besides the select few noticing, I have also decided to keep it as something personal.

 

[Reedstorm17]

Throughout my life, I've been silent about my diagnosis because I got the feeling that it was this terrible secret that no one could know about or they would judge me. After a while, I began to forget that I was different from everyone. At the beginning of middle school (at which point I was able to conceal most of my abilities that others didn't have), a lot of my negative qualities showed through at times. Over the next few years, I got them under control. By the end of eighth grade, I was very quiet in class, only participating when I needed to. I often just went along with what everyone else did, and when I found myself wanting to talk about something I was overly interested in, I would force myself to stay quiet. I had to hide both my negative and positive qualities, and that made me a shy and secluded person.

Then I started high school, and this shy and secluded personality began to make me feel empty. I had achieved exactly what I'd been trying to achieve since I was nine years old: being just like everyone else. That meant everything that made me me had to go away.

There were times when I could have told people I have Asperger's, but in those instances I would remind myself that it was this terrible secret and no one could know.

Barely a week into high school, I started to hate myself. This self-loathing grew, until it got so bad I decided to try to kill myself by overdosing on ADHD meds, which I take 5 mg of twice a day. It likely would not have worked, but I wasn't really thinking. I just went into autopilot.

It came down to the last twelve hours before I would do it. I was in health class, and someone asked a kid with Asperger's what day of the week a certain date fell on. When he answered in about two seconds, my twin sister looked at me and turned to her friends and said, "She can do that."

Not only did I not go through with my suicide plan, but I began to realize that I was completely faking myself. It took me seven more months to actually find myself again. Then I decided that I'm not going to fake myself anymore. I'm just going to be who I am, and if people want to judge me, that's their problem. This didn't necessarily mean telling people about my diagnosis, but at least now it's not some "terrible secret." It's who I am.

 

[nagibator]

Hey everyone,

I've been battling with this issue since I've started to become more vocal about my differences due to being on the spectrum.

Recently one of my good friends snapped at me saying that I'm delusional for feeling different and that everyone goes through it at some point ..(even though I've been feeling this way since childhood).

I've also had people tell me that I waste time over analyzing things even when I try to explain that I just notice different details to them and it doesn't take as much effort as it seems.

Does anyone else get put down for their differences? How have others dismissed you for them?

I'm feeling quite defensive and angry that others are being so ignorant towards such a personal thing.

Neurotypicals? Nice word.

Welcome to the world of a minority. If you weren't in a minority being you would be normal, and somebody else would have your problem.

 

[tdrfreebird]

I've been thinking about telling someone for a while now as well. The only person I would tell is my brother, as I don't feel connected to anyone else in my my family. But he's very much a people-person, so I think if I explained what Asperger's was to him he wouldn't understand. He'd probably think "You're just shy" or "That's just because you don't like people", which is true, but as we all know there's more to it than that.
I think if I told my parents they would have a similar reaction. I was in special-education for my first few years of school because of a speech impediment and I would also break out in tears if I was frustrated or upset instead of verbalizing the problem (now I just internalize it all). So honestly, if I told them and they knew this whole time, I don't know if I could forgive them.

 

[ksheehan88]

"EVERYONE feels like that sometimes" is the most ****ing annoying thing I ever hear.

Yeah, but can you see it through MY eyes? Are you in MY brain, seeing how it affects ME?

No, so shut your ****ing mouth.

 

[Reedstorm17]

YES! That's exactly how I felt all of last year. I was clearly depressed and having way too much trouble understanding myself, and people just said, "Everyone feels like that sometimes." Thanks, people, but no thanks. That doesn't help. That just makes me feel selfish.

 

[Chris Russell]

I know what you mean, but if you look at behaviour it always seems to comes from somewhere, like conditioning, autism, brain shape, habit, pain, memory of pain etc.

If some one is being a dick, where does that behaviour begin? And is it their fault?

I believe there is a paper pending on the subject!

 

[Questella]

Talking... **shudder**

 

[Chris Russell]

Back in the days before my diagnosis (or enlightenment, as I think of it...) I used to question myself when greeted with comments like this - I can't possibly experience things from your point of view, and neither can you, from mine... I berated myself for 'being too sensitive' or not being tough enough to manage when 'everyone felt that way' too. Regardless of whether comments like this are meant to discount a person's experience of being Autistic is by the by. It is unhelpful to anyone who is feeling vulnerable, (not to mention impossible to know unless the speaker of the comment is demonstrably psychic) and should therefore be disregarded as baseless nonsense.

 

[Bellatrix]

My brother in law said he didn't think I have Asperger's because I'm not like my cousin; making the classic mistake of comparing one person to another.

Or even worse, someone saying, "But you can't have Asperger's Syndrome, or autism, because you're not like Rain Man or Sheldon Cooper", which is rather like saying, "But you can't be neurotypical, because you're not like Donald Trump".

 

[Reedstorm17]

I can't stop laughing.

 

[Bolletje]

Or even worse, someone saying, "But you can't have Asperger's Syndrome, or autism, because you're not like Rain Man or Sheldon Cooper", which is rather like saying, "But you can't be neurotypical, because you're not like Donald Trump".

This is the funniest thing I've read all day.

 

[ksheehan88]

Or even worse, someone saying, "But you can't have Asperger's Syndrome, or autism, because you're not like Rain Man or Sheldon Cooper", which is rather like saying, "But you can't be neurotypical, because you're not like Donald Trump".

I've had more than one person say "Oh, but X has AS and you're nothing like them". I've also had, "But you're very clever so you can't be autistic" and "You don't LOOK autistic?" *facepalm*

 

[HappyHermit]

The dismissiveness hurts.

I haven't told very many people, but reactions from most that I have told came in one of two varities: a. not possible; b. I would never have thought that [subtext: I may be tentatively willing to believe you, but I'll expect you to keep acting fully NT at all times, and I won't see this as an explanation for why you sometimes fail to act entirely NT and will, at times, continue to fail at it].

Category a. has barely the faintest idea of what AS and the autism spectrum are, but for all its ignorance adheres to misguided popculture myths about them. Those restrictive stereotypes rarely fit, hence people's incredulity. In fact, popculture seems to confuse the autism spectrum with sociopathy quite a bit, from what I'm seeing, in claiming that we see people as objects and have no empathy (i.e., traits around which sociopathy centres), even though autism spectrum conditions and sociopathy appear to me to be rather more polar opposites than confusingly close.

Category b. acknowledges to a varying degree that they don't know everything about the autism spectrum, but really, since you're acting NT - however high the price tag for doing so may be - you may as well be expected to keep up and refine the act rather than expect them to understand that it has its limits. They don't see the effort that goes into it (other than perhaps noting, annoyingly puzzled, from time to time that you often seem exhausted), so it can't really exist. A simple mental act of transference might give them some insight: if you look, many people should be able to unearth a rough analogy from their own lives and experiences sooner or later. But autism, specifically, is not their problem, and it's rare as far as they know, so they can't be bothered.

Personally, I couldn't keep up the act if I didn't impose limits: no, I won't go out for drinks with you after work; no, I don't care that you think it's important to socialise with colleagues (and I don't agree that it is, incidentally); I work to survive, not to get out of the house and for a ready-made social circuit; no, won't discuss my private life and my interests with you extensively, and I'll make hearing about yours as short as socially acceptable (by your standards).

I don't actually say those things to colleagues, but I act on them - quite nicely, actually, I think. I'm not trying to hurt anyone, but I'm also trying not to get hurt entirely too much, considering that putting on as much of an act as I do is itself damaging already.

(As an aside, when I mention my interests, they're mostly 'wrong' anyway because they're things people have been trained to think of as 'work', not 'downtime'. I've learned that people are then prone to consider me ambitious. I'm not, at least not in the status-pursuing sense that NTs think of it. I like to learn for the sake of understanding things (and also eternally in hopes of one day earning a living in a way that isn't the worst possible for me), and even though it can make me tired, it makes me tired in a good way. It feels markedly different from the plain exhaustion of keeping up an act. As someone said upthread, NTs often appear to see everything in terms of power-dynamics.)

People have mentioned to me too that 'everyone puts on an act', 'everyone gets exhausted', 'everyone doesn't always feel like going out', etc. While that's correct, it also epitomises just how intensely people want to deny that autism is a 'thing'. The act that 'everyone puts on' isn't usually, as far as I can tell, for mere survival (e.g. so you can get and keep a job, any job, just to live). It's for social or career advancement - not just to be identified as fully human and somewhat capable. 'Everyone gets exhausted' not just by existing in this world. NTs get exhausted because they're doing as much as possible striving for status in a world that is built to their needs. Not because their senses are constantly under assault while they're consciously trying to act like... velociraptors to other NTs, because acting like a velociraptor is normal and necessary. 'Everyone doesn't always feel like going out' because they've been burning the candle at both ends for a while, not because there's nothing in it for them by going out besides more sensory assault, added expense and the eternal threat of making your social situation more dire than before because you're acting wrong and refusing to talk about celebrity pregnancies, someone's beach holiday in a fascinating country of which they learned nothing while there or whatever else the braindead nonsense du jour is.

The problem with these descriptors of [fill in the blank] that 'everyone is/does' is they're vague. They're unspecific catch-alls. Yes, everyone gets exhausted, just like everyone will experience pain. But all pain is not equal - a point that, I think, no NT that I know would argue against - while arguing quite persistently that all exhaustion generally is. (Well, society at large makes an exception for parents, who are allowed more exhaustion than others, independently of any one individual's circumstances.)

They don't see the work we do, therefore it doesn't exist. If nothing were known about the autism spectrum, they might be forgiven. But that's not the case. If I give them a frame of reference that is (rather easily, I might add) verifiable as a 'thing' for why I don't function like them, people who claim a vaguely amicable association with me should be in a position to give it five to fifteen minutes of their time, once in their lives, to try to understand. They do fiddle with their phones an awful lot. Phones that can access any of the same sites available to me, and an awful lot of academic articles on the autism spectrum (though I wouldn't endorse all academic articles on autism wholesale by virtue of them being academic - there's a lot of confusion, muddled thinking, bias and agenda-setting in academia, too. But it would still be considered the best source of objective information by most).

In light of all this, I don't say too much about it anymore. I've told a couple of colleagues in the past, and despite initally positive reactions they've squarely landed in category b. (above) over time. People really just want you to function the way they think people function. Even highly educated people aren't often critical thinkers, I've found. And, in true NT fashion, people tend to treat education as a game to get ahead, not to actually learn stuff that might apply to, you know, life. So, much of the knowledge gained professionally or for professional purposes is somehow shut off from access for private or social use. I find that very ironic, especially the social bit for NTs. (Random example: I've had a well-paid, particularly intersectionally privileged researcher on social inequality (!) complain to me that their taxes were too high. Incidentally, by virtue of earning so much, their taxes were lower than mine, in terms of a percentage of income (with me also being less intersectionally privileged, therefore less likely to become a high earner). This is not an isolated example.)

It's frustrating. You shouldn't have to keep being on the autism spectrum a secret or deliberate about whom you tell, but at the same time, you're unlikely to always have the spoons to deal with people's abrasive, uninformed, ignorant reactions.