Having your differences be dismissed by neurotypicals

[brookegaf]

Hey everyone,

I've been battling with this issue since I've started to become more vocal about my differences due to being on the spectrum.

Recently one of my good friends snapped at me saying that I'm delusional for feeling different and that everyone goes through it at some point ..(even though I've been feeling this way since childhood).

I've also had people tell me that I waste time over analyzing things even when I try to explain that I just notice different details to them and it doesn't take as much effort as it seems.

Does anyone else get put down for their differences? How have others dismissed you for them?

I'm feeling quite defensive and angry that others are being so ignorant towards such a personal thing.

 

[clg114]

Hey everyone,

I've been battling with this issue since I've started to become more vocal about my differences due to being on the spectrum.

Recently one of my good friends snapped at me saying that I'm delusional for feeling different and that everyone goes through it at some point ..(even though I've been feeling this way since childhood).

I've also had people tell me that I waste time over analyzing things even when I try to explain that I just notice different details to them and it doesn't take as much effort as it seems.

Does anyone else get put down for their differences? How have others dismissed you for them?

I'm feeling quite defensive and angry that others are being so ignorant towards such a personal thing.

You better get used to it, it is not going to go away. For me, the most common one is getting accused of using it to get attention. Just one of the reasons that I just do not tell anybody.

 

[Bolletje]

I've had people dismiss my statements when I explain how I perceive some things differently. This used to upset me, but I've gotten over it.
I've stopped talking about these aspects of my life with dismissive people, and choose to discuss these things with my more receptive friends instead.

 

[brookegaf]

You better get used to it, it is not going to go away. For me, the most common one is getting accused of using it to get attention. Just one of the reasons that I just do not tell anybody.

So would it be better to just not talk about it? It's a shame because I like some of my differences and don't want to be ashamed of them.

 

[brookegaf]

I've had people dismiss my statements when I explain how I perceive some things differently. This used to upset me, but I've gotten over it.
I've stopped talking about these aspects of my life with dismissive people, and choose to discuss these things with my more receptive friends instead.

Yeah, it's hard when they become dismissive after you are attached to them... I'm hoping to find more open minded people in the future though.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

My brother in law said he didn't think I have Asperger's because I'm not like my cousin; making the classic mistake of comparing one person to another.

"Asperger's doesn't exist", I've heard that one before too. All from the mouths of people who have no connection to anyone with the condition who think they're qualified to dismiss it on a speculative glimpse of the condition. It's great the world is so full of professors!

 

[clg114]

So would it be better to just not talk about it? It's a shame because I like some of my differences and don't want to be ashamed of them.

I do not tell other people because 9 times out of 10 they can not or will not understand. Some of the things that they think, you would not believe. Above all, do not be ashamed of your gifts.

 

[xudo]

Both of my parents are completely dismissive of my AS diagnosis. I just get on with my life. Being diagnosed hasn't changed the person I am, it's just given me the ability to access help and understand why I do certain things.

 

[Judge]

Yes. And the experience eventually taught me a critical tenet of being on the spectrum of autism.

"Need-to-know-basis" only.

Think real hard before telling much of anyone that you're on the spectrum of autism. Especially those who may be close to you.

In my journey to discover who and what I am, I surmise three groups of people to tell of your neurological profile:

* Those who want to understand and can

* Those who will try and fail

* Those who aren't interested in understanding and likely default to the rationale that you must inherently adhere to the will of a social majority whether you deem this possible or not

Though instead of being overtly hostile to those who cannot or will not understand, be mindful of a simple dynamic. That the ability of someone being able to understand the mental processes of another human being is really quite remote in the first place. After all, in this respect we all have only one real frame of reference- our own.

 

[Suzanne]

Yep, I get that too. Oh everyone suffers; etc.

So, now I do not say anything about aspergers, because in truth, people do not care. It means they have to make the effort to bend over backwards to be accommodating to us, and do not wish to make that effort.

I see that I am on my own with what I go through; but at the same time, I do have my God, whom I love and He helps me very much.

 

[Alcyon]

@brookegaf , I find this post personally touching and relevant, and going by the replies given so far and those to come, it's not just you and me. That's one of the gifts available here: someone describing something I have been through which lets me say "hey, it's not just me!"

Doesn't make everything all better, but it helps...

Some years ago, in the midst of a dark period of inner turmoil, I took one of the often recommended Asperger's quizzes. The result was a slam-dunk. Which made things even worse for me. I texted to the one kind-of-friend I had that I probably had Asperger's, her reply was: "we all have our problems." Ugh! Man, that hurt!

There are a few other examples, but I very quickly learned the lesson already mentioned here: keep it to myself. Which, of course, only increases the feelings of "other-ness" and isolation.

I think one of the issues about others not getting it arises from a very common phenomenon: if I am not going through, or if I haven't been through, ____(fill in the blank)...I am not likely to fully understand the person with the problem; at the very least, it will take a great deal of mental effort. An example from close to home comes from addiction. To the person who can put down the drink, or who can not light the smoke, etc., the addict is baffling; "why don't they just stop!?" Why doesn't the person with ASD just stop being so awkward? From the outside looking in, it all seems so easy! Never more than if one hasn't viewed things from the inside looking out...

Another element that may be at play is that, I contend, the experiences of those of us on the milder end of the autism spectrum are not unusual or unique. I am going to re-phrase that for emphasis: I do not experience anything that is not part of being human. Everyone needs downtime, everyone fidgets a little, eye contact is not maintained, unbroken, for an entire conversation between any two people, the list could go on.

So, when I describe how I live ASD, I am talking about things NTs go through and are only minimally bothered by, if they're bothered at all. So it's a case of: "I deal with it, so can you." That's pretty hard to overcome.

 

[brookegaf]

T

@brookegaf , I find this post personally touching and relevant, and going by the replies given so far and those to come, it's not just you and me. That's one of the gifts available here: someone describing something I have been through which lets me say "hey, it's not just me!"

Doesn't make everything all better, but it helps...

Some years ago, in the midst of a dark period of inner turmoil, I took one of the often recommended Asperger's quizzes. The result was a slam-dunk. Which made things even worse for me. I texted to the one kind-of-friend I had that I probably had Asperger's, her reply was: "we all have our problems." Ugh! Man, that hurt!

There are a few other examples, but I very quickly learned the lesson already mentioned here: keep it to myself. Which, of course, only increases the feelings of "other-ness" and isolation.

I think one of the issues about others not getting it arises from a very common phenomenon: if I am not going through, or if I haven't been through, ____(fill in the blank)...I am not likely to fully understand the person with the problem; at the very least, it will take a great deal of mental effort. An example from close to home comes from addiction. To the person who can put down the drink, or who can not light the smoke, etc., the addict is baffling; "why don't they just stop!?" Why doesn't the person with ASD just stop being so awkward? From the outside looking in, it all seems so easy! Never more than if one hasn't viewed things from the inside looking out...

Another element that may be at play is that, I contend, the experiences of those of us on the milder end of the autism spectrum are not unusual or unique. I am going to re-phrase that for emphasis: I do not experience anything that is not part of being human. Everyone needs downtime, everyone fidgets a little, eye contact is not maintained, unbroken, for an entire conversation between any two people, the list could go on.

So, when I describe how I live ASD, I am talking about things NTs go through and are only minimally bothered by, if they're bothered at all. So it's a case of: "I deal with it, so can you." That's pretty hard to overcome.

Thanks for that responce, I appreciate it!

I agree. I'm now using this space as a place to go to when I feel most vulnerable and alone... It is helping.

I think the reason this has struck me so much is the lack of empathy and understanding from others. Being an overly empathetic person, I guess I expect others can sense what I do.. which is wrong haha!

I'm interested in the natural response of so many shuttng down differences apposed to being curious about them like I am..

That's a good way of looking at it though... I find the sensory stuff the easiest to explain to others. Because it's what they are hearing just heightened and harder to filter.

 

[WereBear]

The world is full of stupid.

I guess I would rather be aware of that, than not

When I got diagnosed, I told all my friends. If they don't like it, I can get new friends.

Work was different, but I felt I had to tell my boss, because otherwise I would look less than enthused. He's been great, and reorganized my job so it has more of what I'm good at.

We can't "fix" the stupid. But we can try to avoid it as much as possible.

 

[toothless]

Hey everyone,

I've been battling with this issue since I've started to become more vocal about my differences due to being on the spectrum.

Recently one of my good friends snapped at me saying that I'm delusional for feeling different and that everyone goes through it at some point ..(even though I've been feeling this way since childhood).

I've also had people tell me that I waste time over analyzing things even when I try to explain that I just notice different details to them and it doesn't take as much effort as it seems.

Does anyone else get put down for their differences? How have others dismissed you for them?

I'm feeling quite defensive and angry that others are being so ignorant towards such a personal thing.

hi brookgaf,i have never had NTs question my autism before as i am outwardly/obvious as being autistic,and if they didn't know autism they knew something was 'wrong' with me,that led to a lot of patronisation though.
however,i do have some NTs think i don't have intellectual disability because of the way i write online-i am only diagnosed mildly but people only associate ID with severe/profound behaviors like being unable to compose sentances,i even get it off autistics sometimes as they think being labelled ID is a negative thing and feel theyre being bad to me by using it, it isn't a bad thing it gives me a lot of behaviors that make me free to be me without awareness of my peers in society.

i use a dictionary/thesaurus constantly online to keep up with understanding some words and also for using a bigger vocabulary myself,i also cant write at all as a throwback to my ID but people who like telling me i don't have ID don't consider this, ID [under various labels] has always been a part of me and i despise people trying to take away the label from me,its like they are denying a part of you so i can understand why you were upset brookgaf i would be to you have every right to feel like that,id think of some things to say to them next time to educate them or learn to let it slide over you i have done that but i also sometimes like to educate them and preach at them till they give in.

 

[OFelixCulpa]

My experience has been the similar. Trying to share is usually not a good idea. It is good to hear everyone else's experience.

The NT response makes sense from their perspective. To them everything is about power; they can't help it. It is very difficult for them to see aspie differences as anything other than embarrasingly awkward and inept attempts to gain social power.

For NTs to accept that we see, feel, hear, and think differently from them requires them to believe in something that they can't see and which goes against their every instinct. In most cases it's just not going to happen.

 

[Nicci]

I think this is a very common experience. It's very disheartening. When I was first diagnosed (in my mid-twenties) those who have known me well my entire life were pretty accepting – though not necessarily understanding – of the diagnosis, because I've always been obviously different somehow. After getting diagnosed I've gotten much better at putting on a neurotypical act, so many don't notice any differences. Unless they know me well, people will usually think I'm just a bit awkward and shy around new people. This makes it very difficult for people I've gotten to know more recently to understand that my experience of the world is actually significantly different.
Unfortunately we probably have to accept that telling people about our autism comes with the possibility of being dismissed. I personally feel it's important to be vocal about autism, simply to spread awareness. But since it can often be a horrible experience I'd advice everyone to be considerate in choosing when to speak up. Only do it when you feel you can handle the possible struggle it will be to (possibly) get others to accept it.
1.5 years ago I started studying at a new university and I've actually managed to make some friends (kinda). I've told them about my diagnosis and they don't dismiss me when I talk about it (they're pretty great tbh). But I don't think they actually understand it much. Especially how difficult some things are for me.

 

[Mia]

Recently one of my good friends snapped at me saying that I'm delusional for feeling different and that everyone goes through it at some point ..(even though I've been feeling this way since childhood).

I've also had people tell me that I waste time over analyzing things even when I try to explain that I just notice different details to them and it doesn't take as much effort as it seems.

My entire life, although as a child it was ascribed to my being a 'weirdo.' You're not delusional, your friend is being controlling and dismissive in their own way.

Love how people say that you are wasting time analyzing things, but as soon as you've thought it through and you come up with an alternative way, they adopt it immediately.

Without considering the source of the help and the thought process involved, people steal others ideas quite a bit, and pretend they either didn't know who thought of them, or delude themselves into thinking they came up with it themselves.

 

[Diagnosed2015]

The biggest issue I've experienced with my issues being dismissed were by a doctor (psych) who dismissed my rather meager suggestion of Asperger's. He said things such as, "I can tell by looking at you that you don't have it," or "If it would make you feel better to self-diagnose, etc. As I am someone who does NOT want to be viewed as a hypochondriac (a parent was), I rarely bring up issues with medical professionals unless I have a reason to ask. I felt dismissed and dejected after that appointment, and sulked away.

When I was actually diagnosed -- and explained I had been overlooked due to a different 'presentation' than most doctors expected -- I had validation that I did, in fact, see things differently than others. I have always seen differing opinions, different solutions, legitimate possibilities for someone's seemingly nonsensical scenario, etc. Even watching Judge Judy, who always says, "If it doesn't make sense, it isn't true." I can always come up (instantly) where a situation which doesn't make sense to her makes complete sense to me.

I don't give out my diagnosis freely, and if I have questions I know others will scoff at, I'll preface them with, "I have a question I need help understanding...." and then I'll proceed. I'm usually asking "why" someone might do what they did, or acted.

For example, there is a car dealer who publicizes (on air) that, "I even give loans to dead people!" I couldn't understand why someone could advertise what I assumed was illegal behavior, until someone explained the ad was saying they don't check references or match social security numbers. It gave a different option I hadn't thought of (although I still thought it was wrong).

No two people (NT or otherwise) think alike, and sometimes it's just part of who you are. I am often the only person present who knows the eventual "bad" case scenario of a possible outcome, and I'm always explaining to others how their situations can or will be viewed as positive or negative (business situations) or why you have to protect yourself against people doing you wrong.

It doesn't mean I think differently, it just means I have had experiences that others can learn from. People who don't have Asperger's don't know how we think; they only know how our thinking varies from theirs (based on their training, words, vocabulary). Other Aspies often (but not always) understand each other better, or at least understand someone's questions (if they explain to us).

 

[jamesaldrin]

Sometimes I can't tell whether my social mistakes are due to my autism, or just social mistakes that anyone could make. I can't tell if I'm being an asshole, or if it's not my fault because it's just my autism.

 

[Full Steam]

Without considering the source of the help and the thought process involved, people steal others ideas quite a bit, and pretend they either didn't know who thought of them, or delude themselves into thinking they came up with it them themselves.

How annoying is that?

Like I'd forget an idea I had, and not notice it perfectly duplicated.