Have problems loosing and keeping friends

[Dillon]

Hi, iam wanting to know other peoples experiences being an aspie. Iam 21 years old fixing to go to Texas A&M University at Galveston in fall of 2017 to major in marine biology. My biggest problem is making and keeping friends. Usually I get made fun of and even ignored from a group disscusion because may act diffrent. I typically come across alot of jerks to where i tend not to talk that much. To be honest I had have no girl have an intrest in me and not a single one really had a real converstation with me. no matter how respectful or nice iam to my peers it just doesn't matter. I try to have fun and share intrest but that never works either. So in reality I've never had any real friends my whole life. Iam kind of fearful that I may not find anyone at the campus who has the same issue as me or have anyone accept me for who iam. It's just real hard being an aspie for me but I tend to supress it from others.

 

[Keigan]

I have to imagine that there is a Psychology or Neurology department at the university. Maybe they have an aspergers support group, if not then start one - you might be surprised by the results and the rewards.

 

[The Penguin]

I have trouble making friends. There a few reasons I know why this happens to me.

Making friends is hard is I don't connect to the norm. I'm not talking about just connecting with NT's. I don't connect with most common things society that into.

Keeping friends been a problem for me because most of my life I had many struggles of my life and went on about my life problems too much. This turned many people away from me.

Even though my life is a lot better now, I lost interest making new friends. Part of the reason most people I spoken too is not honest with me and this is very important to me. I'm not expecting a person to share everything to me. But if the person lies to me and break endless promises, I can't accept that in a person. Because of that, if I learned this person have this issues at the very beginning, I'm going to cut them off as I have no time for a person like this. I don't except people to follow this method as I know there people more forgiving than me. This is though how I handle things for my live as I have higher expectations on what I want in a friend.

 

[Dillon]

I have to imagine that there is a Psychology or Neurology department at the university. Maybe they have an aspergers support group, if not then start one - you might be surprised by the results and the rewards.

I believe they do have one. The University has a club for people with aspie I may want to check that out more when I get there

 

[Keigan]

As far as friends and females, work on yourself. Build confidences in who you are and practice being respectful and polite to others, don't expect reciprocation and smile when you do find it. Discover things the you like and value, persue your studies with passion, as you do so your confidence and mannerisms will shine through and people will start to notice. It takes time.

 

[Dillon]

I have trouble making friends. There a few reasons I know why this happens to me.

Making friends is hard is I don't connect to the norm. I'm not talking about just connecting with NT's. I don't connect with most common things society that into.

Keeping friends been a problem for me because most of my life I had many struggles of my life and went on about my life problems too much. This turned many people away from me.

Even though my life is a lot better now, I lost interest making new friends. Part of the reason most people I spoken too is not honest with me and this is very important to me. I'm not expecting a person to share everything to me. But if the person lies to me and break endless promises, I can't accept that in a person. Because of that, if I learned this person have this issues at the very beginning, I'm going to cut them off as I have no time for a person like this. I don't except people to follow this method as I know there people more forgiving than me. This is though how I handle things for my live as I have higher expectations on what I want in a friend.

I have trouble making friends. There a few reasons I know why this happens to me.

Making friends is hard is I don't connect to the norm. I'm not talking about just connecting with NT's. I don't connect with most common things society that into.

Keeping friends been a problem for me because most of my life I had many struggles of my life and went on about my life problems too much. This turned many people away from me.

Even though my life is a lot better now, I lost interest making new friends. Part of the reason most people I spoken too is not honest with me and this is very important to me. I'm not expecting a person to share everything to me. But if the person lies to me and break endless promises, I can't accept that in a person. Because of that, if I learned this person have this issues at the very beginning, I'm going to cut them off as I have no time for a person like this. I don't except people to follow this method as I know there people more forgiving than me. This is though how I handle things for my live as I have higher expectations on what I want in a friend.

I can tell any of my friends have no intrest in me when I don't hear from them anymore or they are just fed up with me. Over the years I've told some of my so called friends about me being an aspie but shortly after I never here from him or her thinking iam not good enough for them.

My worst experience was back in middle school. Everyday I got picked on because I have a twin brother who has severe autism and the kids would find out I have it to( mine is on the mild side) so I get taunted, and sometimes beat on. The worst ever was when I was sick in the hospital because I had an immune deficeny causing me to have frequent lung infections. When I returned to school from feeling better everyone in almost all of my classes said to my face they thought I had died or wished I did. After that event I never really regained much confidence even today I still have trouble approaching people because of that.

 

[SomeRandomAspie]

Hi, iam wanting to know other peoples experiences being an aspie. Iam 21 years old fixing to go to Texas A&M University at Galveston in fall of 2017 to major in marine biology. My biggest problem is making and keeping friends. Usually I get made fun of and even ignored from a group disscusion because may act diffrent. I typically come across alot of jerks to where i tend not to talk that much. To be honest I had have no girl have an intrest in me and not a single one really had a real converstation with me. no matter how respectful or nice iam to my peers it just doesn't matter. I try to have fun and share intrest but that never works either. So in reality I've never had any real friends my whole life. Iam kind of fearful that I may not find anyone at the campus who has the same issue as me or have anyone accept me for who iam. It's just real hard being an aspie for me but I tend to supress it from others.

I'm only 15 but I've moved around a lot through 4 schools and I've been a receiver of bullying and a bystander to it. I have more friends than ever and I suppose it's because I've gotten better with people. I try to be genuinely nice and smart (but not egoistic). I just naturally fall in with the nerds. So just be yourself! Good luck!

 

[Dillon]

I'm only 15 but I've moved around a lot through 4 schools and I've been a receiver of bullying and a bystander to it. I have more friends than ever and I suppose it's because I've gotten better with people. I try to be genuinely nice and smart (but not egoistic). I just naturally fall in with the nerds. So just be yourself! Good luck!

The only thing that matters to me is just completing my college education. There are going to people who may not except me but in reality I can care less about that

 

[SomeRandomAspie]

That's a really good attitude, I theorize that it's that kind of attitude that helps people to like people like us. Very motivational!

 

[SomeRandomAspie]

People come and go and the ones that stay are the good ones.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

I've had trouble with friends my whole life. I described one example of that from college in your intro thread, but there are multiple others all the way from childhood. I never fit in anywhere and have always been considered to be odd. I had only one childhood friend who was also kind of odd, but that was absolutely fine by me; it was just me and him at recess - until he moved to another city. Other than that, I had people take advantage of my weirdness, social ineptitude and naivete. I used to do everything other kids told me to do, even if it was to take off my pants; even in the 6th grade a bully asked me about my locker combination and I just gave it to him; to this day I just don't understand why, I'm a house-elf!

I've had my fair share of being bullied and ridiculed; I was called stupid for being a slow learner (in reality I was smart, mostly an A student). Even the teacher was being mean to me in my very first computer course, and that was never good for my self-esteem. Even in college (that's where I lost a lot of potential friends by exhibiting very off-putting behavior without even being aware) I had people bully me. I had people create fake profiles of me, I had people make fun of my being literal, I had people make fun of me by mimicking all the unusual things I've been doing. Others either ignored me or hated me, and very few actually thought I was cool. I did have some friends maybe here and there but mostly I was a lone wolf - whether it was voluntary or not.

My college experiences did lead to a small amount of improvement, and my current psychologist visits are gradually helping out too. I actually managed to make a small number of friends within the past couple of years that don't cut me off or ignore me because I'm beyond weird; to this day they still talk to me and not in a forced or derogatory kind of manner. They even told me that I need to accept myself for who I am, but for the record they don't know half of the stuff I do at home; I have behavioral issues that I'm not proud of, where I have trouble controlling my emotions. I throw tantrums, yell at my parents and go into severe meltdowns where I just totally lose track of things and start acting like a maniac, sometimes even punching myself in the face. I think I have more than just Asperger's, and none of my coworkers and friends know about these moods. I live with my parents still, never dated in my entire life - and they worry about my mental health quite a lot. I'm just happy to have their love and support; for many years they have been the only friends that I've had but I just constantly drive them crazy which leads to a lot of accumulated frustration.

I can say that I'm happy to be where I am right now; little progress is so much better than no progress. I do suppress some of my Aspie qualities from other people, but it doesn't last long; eventually it all slips out. I am able to suppress the bad moods though when I'm not at home. Not sure why I allow myself to act like this around my parents, could it possibly be because I know that I'll never lose their love?

I'm really sorry you're going through this, Dillon - it's really not fun wanting friends but not having any. Never lose hope! I eventually found people who appreciate me (despite hiding those bad moods from them) - if it happened to me it can happen to you too. Keep on enjoying your life and your interests, and keep on remembering that you're a good person; the friends I made, they're in my life right now because they know I'm a good person despite everything. I know such people are hard to find but they're out there!

 

[Ambi]

Since I had no idea I had Aspergers, nor depression, nor anxiety, when I went to college - all of that was stacked up against me. I totally thought I was going to arrive a college and finally be around likeminded people and have friends and live out my glory days - WACK! The reality hit me in the face. I had no ability to meet and make new friends, and most of the people there were not like me at all. I got severely anxious and depressed, not knowing why this was so. Now I know that, in addition to social issues that I have worked on since, the environment itself was way, way too much for me - it caused so much stress! I needed lots of alone time....and when living in college, there was no alone time - perhaps in the bathroom stall, but even then, people can come into the bathroom, and you can't stay there forever. Looking back, if I could have just been in a quieter environment that I could control, with more privacy, that would have been a HUGE help. Also, I wish I hadn't compared myself to other people - I felt like a complete freak and failure because everyone else was out partying on Friday and Saturday nights - and bragging about getting drunk, etc. But in reality....that's just not my personality - but I didn't know well enough and wasn't confident enough to stop letting that hurt my self-esteem. It was extremely lonely not having friends, but I think these factors I mention made it a lot worse, which made it even harder to improve socially....

I just wanted to pass along this advice, if it helps at all. 1) Try to know yourself and how Aspergers affects you - and accept it, don't compare yourself with others because of it and feel bad. 2) Try to gain control over your environment as much as you can so that it won't stress you out. For example, there was an option for a single sex, "quiet" dorm where I went to college - but I was pressuring myself to learn to be more comfortable with guys and more outgoing in general, so I didn't choose that option - whereas really, that dorm would have been perfect for me. A private apartment would have been even better, but that wasn't going to happen. Whether on or off campus, try to be mindful of your environment. 3) Try to read p on social skills. This is a great website which I found really helpful, he has also written a book (which I would like to read since it's hard for me to get through all of those articles), but here's the website: The Social Skills Guidebook | www.succeedsocially.com . Also, if you have social anxiety, "Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe" did help me get started with basic social interactions.
4) Hopefully in college, when with others who are studying biology, you can share that interest as a starting point for friendship. It is a different type of population at college than in high school, so that could help!

Best of luck

 

[Suzanne]

My husband has said to me that I seem to make friends fast ( really)? But I have no idea how to keep that friendship up. He reckons I put impossible demands on a friendship and because they fail to meet those demands, I throw them aside.

I admit, I guess I have had plenty of opportunity to cultivate a friendship, but in truth, I found them to be boring in the end. And so, ween off from getting in contact.

There are two couples who live not so far from me, whom I know and yet, I cannot just pop over to say hi, it is like I have this recoil button that says: no way, am I going over and say hi. But I think it is the fear of rejection ie oh it is her!

I had a best friend that I could talk about anything to and visa versa and we discovered each other online and chatted every day. Sadly, she did something terrible and thus the friendship does not exist.

 

[Streetwise]

be

The only thing that matters to me is just completing my college education. There are going to people who may not except me but in reality I can care less about that

be careful thinking like that you are not immortal
and if you offended someone they might plan to hurt you really badly

 

[Dillon]

I've had trouble with friends my whole life. I described one example of that from college in your intro thread, but there are multiple others all the way from childhood. I never fit in anywhere and have always been considered to be odd. I had only one childhood friend who was also kind of odd, but that was absolutely fine by me; it was just me and him at recess - until he moved to another city. Other than that, I had people take advantage of my weirdness, social ineptitude and naivete. I used to do everything other kids told me to do, even if it was to take off my pants; even in the 6th grade a bully asked me about my locker combination and I just gave it to him; to this day I just don't understand why, I'm a house-elf!

I've had my fair share of being bullied and ridiculed; I was called stupid for being a slow learner (in reality I was smart, mostly an A student). Even the teacher was being mean to me in my very first computer course, and that was never good for my self-esteem. Even in college (that's where I lost a lot of potential friends by exhibiting very off-putting behavior without even being aware) I had people bully me. I had people create fake profiles of me, I had people make fun of my being literal, I had people make fun of me by mimicking all the unusual things I've been doing. Others either ignored me or hated me, and very few actually thought I was cool. I did have some friends maybe here and there but mostly I was a lone wolf - whether it was voluntary or not.

My college experiences did lead to a small amount of improvement, and my current psychologist visits are gradually helping out too. I actually managed to make a small number of friends within the past couple of years that don't cut me off or ignore me because I'm beyond weird; to this day they still talk to me and not in a forced or derogatory kind of manner. They even told me that I need to accept myself for who I am, but for the record they don't know half of the stuff I do at home; I have behavioral issues that I'm not proud of, where I have trouble controlling my emotions. I throw tantrums, yell at my parents and go into severe meltdowns where I just totally lose track of things and start acting like a maniac, sometimes even punching myself in the face. I think I have more than just Asperger's, and none of my coworkers and friends know about these moods. I live with my parents still, never dated in my entire life - and they worry about my mental health quite a lot. I'm just happy to have their love and support; for many years they have been the only friends that I've had but I just constantly drive them crazy which leads to a lot of accumulated frustration.

I can say that I'm happy to be where I am right now; little progress is so much better than no progress. I do suppress some of my Aspie qualities from other people, but it doesn't last long; eventually it all slips out. I am able to suppress the bad moods though when I'm not at home. Not sure why I allow myself to act like this around my parents, could it possibly be because I know that I'll never lose their love?

I'm really sorry you're going through this, Dillon - it's really not fun wanting friends but not having any. Never lose hope! I eventually found people who appreciate me (despite hiding those bad moods from them) - if it happened to me it can happen to you too. Keep on enjoying your life and your interests, and keep on remembering that you're a good person; the friends I made, they're in my life right now because they know I'm a good person despite everything. I know such people are hard to find but they're out there!

Well at least iam not the only one in the boat but if I just stay true to myself everything will be just fine. I think the 4 year college experience will be great I just have to really put myself out there.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

The worst ever was when I was sick in the hospital because I had an immune deficeny causing me to have frequent lung infections. When I returned to school from feeling better everyone in almost all of my classes said to my face they thought I had died or wished I did. After that event I never really regained much confidence even today I still have trouble approaching people because of that.

That sucks, guy. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Hopefully though the worst is behind you. If there's a group of autistic people at your university then you should have a much easier time. But you're an incredibly strong person to get through all of that, and you're on your way to get a freaking masters degree, that's awesome!

 

[Dillon]

That sucks, guy. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Hopefully though the worst is behind you. If there's a group of autistic people at your university then you should have a much easier time. But you're an incredibly strong person to get through all of that, and you're on your way to get a freaking masters degree, that's awesome!

My belief thought out my life is to just never give up because if you do your just setting yourself to fail in life. No matter how hard life Is now there will always be some light ahead.

 

[Alan Cohen]

Since I had no idea I had Aspergers, nor depression, nor anxiety, when I went to college - all of that was stacked up against me. I totally thought I was going to arrive a college and finally be around likeminded people and have friends and live out my glory days - WACK! The reality hit me in the face. I had no ability to meet and make new friends, and most of the people there were not like me at all. I got severely anxious and depressed, not knowing why this was so. Now I know that, in addition to social issues that I have worked on since, the environment itself was way, way too much for me - it caused so much stress! I needed lots of alone time....and when living in college, there was no alone time - perhaps in the bathroom stall, but even then, people can come into the bathroom, and you can't stay there forever. Looking back, if I could have just been in a quieter environment that I could control, with more privacy, that would have been a HUGE help. Also, I wish I hadn't compared myself to other people - I felt like a complete freak and failure because everyone else was out partying on Friday and Saturday nights - and bragging about getting drunk, etc. But in reality....that's just not my personality - but I didn't know well enough and wasn't confident enough to stop letting that hurt my self-esteem. It was extremely lonely not having friends, but I think these factors I mention made it a lot worse, which made it even harder to improve socially....

I just wanted to pass along this advice, if it helps at all. 1) Try to know yourself and how Aspergers affects you - and accept it, don't compare yourself with others because of it and feel bad. 2) Try to gain control over your environment as much as you can so that it won't stress you out. For example, there was an option for a single sex, "quiet" dorm where I went to college - but I was pressuring myself to learn to be more comfortable with guys and more outgoing in general, so I didn't choose that option - whereas really, that dorm would have been perfect for me. A private apartment would have been even better, but that wasn't going to happen. Whether on or off campus, try to be mindful of your environment. 3) Try to read p on social skills. This is a great website which I found really helpful, he has also written a book (which I would like to read since it's hard for me to get through all of those articles), but here's the website: The Social Skills Guidebook | www.succeedsocially.com . Also, if you have social anxiety, "Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe" did help me get started with basic social interactions.
4) Hopefully in college, when with others who are studying biology, you can share that interest as a starting point for friendship. It is a different type of population at college than in high school, so that could help!

Best of luck

 

[Alan Cohen]

Imagine not knowing you're an Aspie until you are 58, divorced, and broke. My psychologist thought no knowing was better. Maybe it was. I accomplished a lot in my career as a journalist and attorney. I have created several self-published books, two musical plays, and a regular blog, not realing that my personality is not geared toward success in these areas, at least without a great deal of help from a mentor. My siblings have basically ignored me and disrespected me, as have their children. I have an advanced degree, but just yesterday applied for food stamps.
I don't know how my life would have been different if I had known. Perhaps, I would have chosen carefully. Most people don't have a mirror. But the rear view kind is downright self-destructive. For an HFA in school today, looking to use their talents. I would say only this: Stretch yourself. The most famous and important human beings have been HFA: Einstein, Tesla, Zuckerberg, just to name a few. We, as a whole, have a greater impact on society than any other group. In that way, we are the chosen people. We must go forward because we are special. Don't ask the rest to understand, because they never will. It is that light of knowledge that keeps alive and moving forward. I continue to write my blogs, my books, my screenplays, read and learn everyday, knowing deep down that it will not support me financially, but that I am contributing to society in my own way. God has given me a gift of understanding that those others can never have. I will share it because God has given me the gift of written communication, and because that was I was born to do.

 

[FreeDiver]

The only thing that matters to me is just completing my college education. There are going to people who may not except me but in reality I can care less about that

True, there are gonna be people out there that will not accept you. This rule holds true for NT's as well. But when you're experiencing a 99-100% rejection rate. It is next to impossible to ignore the emotional pain this causes. Also, be careful of people that are your friend. They may be using you and when you find out they are, this just adds more to the pain.