I think I had friend crushes since my childhood. I admired a girl since we both went to kindergarten, once we had a good playtime there. I asked her (some years later, in school) if she remembered it? She did and we recalled some moments from our game (we pushed the paper ships on a puddle then).
The next time I decided to remind her she got angry at me: 'So what?'
I did not approached her any more but I still remember her (very rare but fondly - thinking of her brightened my many otherwise rather sad, scared and confused memories).
There were other people - girls and boys.
I analized my breath-taking admiration of them, my desire to be their friend, my hopes to be intellectually interesting for them...
I think now I thought them to be ideal persons - each of them had some place in society and kids' hierarchy and I believed I can be like them, equal to them - if only I had a bit of friendship and support.
I believed them all to be above me in social skills, but I thought I could to make it up if only I were not alone.
I felt heavily underevaluated: I knew I speak and think interesting things - I had some moments with other kids when they were attracted to me.
I knew I wasn't totally and absolutely weird but I was very scared that kids who liked me started to use me and command me - and I drifted from them in time.
I sought for a friend who wouldn't demean of hurt me.
And my friend crushes (I mean the people) - they were all quite gentle (not driven to demean others) as I judged them from distance.
But I felt quite harsh awaking with the girl who challenged me 'So what?' - I could talk about the past and I liked her-from-the-past but I felt I didn't know what to offer her but my memories.
And I realized that everyone can be harsh - even if I never seen them being like that with other people.
I sought for my safety in my friend crushes, believing them to be as close to being ideal as I could imagine.
I never wanted to touch any of them - just to be friends, to be close, to watch them and to study - how can I become like them? How can I learn their better qualities?
Maybe, I thought them to be sort of 'ideal-me' - and that's why I believed we were very similar innerly - and that's why we could be such great friends.
I was wrong, I guess. I looked for them as a means to identify myself, feeling myself to be too much a stranger comparing to the most people around me.
I could not figure out - what I am: as a person, as a human being, as a human of female sex. I felt alien among the most people I met in my life.
So, my friend crushes...
They changed in time just like I grew and got to know myself and started to come in terms with myself. They got rarer and the last one was a guy 10 years ago. It ended when I realized I imagined him to be what I _wanted_ to see in him - and the real he and I have nothing in common. Nothing at all.
Maybe I totally thought up every person I friend crushed on - it would explain why my relations with them - if they started - got to be so painful very soon, and I parted ways with every of them, feeling torn inside and shocked.
My imagination never guessed right: what these people really were on close distance. I dreamed of them watching what they were with other people, but in reality they treated me completely different way.
At last I started notice what traits and thoughts attract my interest in a person. I liked that way some actors: for the roles they played and for the sane and reasonable words in their interviews.
I stopped trying to guess what a whole their person is like. Maybe I would irritate them or I got disappointed in them on a real meeting - for not being true to my imagination.
I have come to recognize some people as interesting to me and I have come to feel comfortable on the distance from them, just watching and hearing sometimes what they say and behave themselves.
I realised that nobody - not even the most popular people in the world - knows how to live a life fully and with little pain and regrets.
It's my life - and it's where I am right now.
My life is what I feel in response from situations of the outer world and it's what warms me inside both from my thoughts and from the outer world.
I find real friends in my life - they all somehow got close to me as we struggled with some common problem.
None of my real friens was 'a dream of mine' - I barely acknowledged them at first.
But as we talked and as we discussed our common or separate actions and opinions - we grew closer.
I need 5 years to realise that a person is not just a passer by in my life.
In 10 years of some meetings and discussions of common interests and problems I start to feel more relaxed and gather enough information of how they think - to basically understand their point of view on the most important things.
In 15 years I may start to feel safe with them enough to want to hug them as we say good-bye after out talk and meeting.
As of now I think it's rather naturally - to grew close in time, to get to know what matters for each other, to do a lot of things together - even it it's just walking and talking.
I travel for 2-3 days with some of my friends - and it's great: I feel more safe and comfortable with my friend along on a new place.
But I prefer travel alone for a longer time (15 days is my record so far).
I'm sorry if I talk too much - I just wanted to share my experience that friend crushes are a natural phase for a loner who tries to stabilize and identify themselves by linking with another person.
I think it's a learning and coping reflex, it's a sign that the person struggles to define themselves in the overwhelming and confusing outer world.
i have many "friend crushes" here on the forums, and i use that feeling to enhance my opinion of them, or help them out more, or anything that supports them. i try to focus on them, and not me.
