empathy - or lack of it

[VioletHaze_03]

Since I was young I was accused of the same thing, and it also made me feel like a monster. I am still accused of this by some people, and it used to make me feel guilty until I self-diagnosed as an Aspie and realized this is part of my make up. I do think I sympathize, but I do not really empathize. I do help people out - what they are upset about is me not *acting* and making them *feel* as they think I should. I'll give you an example - when my mom got sick and was in the ICU, I slept on the hard floor of the waiting room every night until the nerve pains wouldn't let me. I did all I could to stand up for her in the whole medical process. But before she died, she still thought I had no heart - apparently an aunt of mine "comforted" her by explaining that I simply didn't know how to show love. Which angered me, because obviously, I do show love - but apparently not in a way that registers for other people, therefore it simply doesn't count to them. It's another way that NTs are blind, imho.

hmm, that is very true. and I think your story shows that even though we may not have empathy, we can still be selfless.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

ever since I was little, someone very close to me used to point out how self centered I was. I suspect they are an empath, as they are always trying to help everyone and reached out to everyone, even if they didn't know them. since I didn't constantly try to help everyone, this person used to scold me on my lack of empathy and called me a monster. I feel terrible, but I see the world in black and white, there is no gray area. I often feel like something is wrong with me, and even though I try to be kind, sometimes I can only be honest. and that honesty comes off as me being rude. I know lack of empathy is a very well known aspie trait- can aspies and empaths live in harmony? because it really doesn't look like they can. that said, i'm tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me, and starting to wonder if I really am a monster or heartless, because this person keeps criticizing me for it. I know I am not a psychopath, and I do feel pity and grief for people- mostly anime and video game characters, but that's still something! so could this be part of my NVLD? and do any other people have this issue?

Don't even say the "M" word about yourself, whoever calls you that is the real monster here. And you're not heartless. Aspies do have empathy and sympathy, even if we have trouble expressing it. People always jump to the wrong conclusions about us for that reason, and also for the reason that they know NOTHING about Asperger's...so they jump to these bizarre conclusions about us being bad and some, like the person you described, go as far as insult us. The person in question is the real heartless monster here and I don't think they should even be in your life. You're too good to be associated with someone who puts you down like that.

I have trouble expressing empathy and sympathy and I really do care about people deep down. I too have a tendency to come off rude and that creates strained relationships between me and the NT's in my life. I end up regretting whatever it is I did - usually I start throwing a baby tantrum instead of acting supportive and caring towards the other person. I too love honesty and try to not lie as much as possible; people tell me I have issues with tact, and some of the tactless things I've done were actually expressions of honesty. I did in fact improve in that aspect over the years, but it felt so bad hurting people's feelings; I always have trouble thinking before doing. I used to think I was heartless for quite a long time, and each time I say something that comes off as rude but I didn't mean it that way, I feel so heartless and mean. I end up going into an apologizing spree, but people find that annoying and think I'm trying to force forgiveness out of them. I also end up turning tactless towards myself, thus calling myself an idiot, a jerk, and yes - sometimes even a monster. I really am wrong to call myself that.

I have trouble seeing gray areas, finding a middle ground. I either overdo something, or I "underdo". Even with my moods I'm all black and white. I have issues controlling my emotions and that leads so some unpleasant behavior at home, and that in turn made me question if I'm a sociopath - but what I've learned is that I'm the polar opposite of a sociopath; sociopaths don't feel much emotion, and I actually feel too much emotion (anger is only one of the emotions I exaggerate). And to add further on, the remorse I always feel after I hurt people's feelings through these emotional outbursts and lack of empathy and sympathy/tactlessness - that's not something a sociopath would feel. I live at home with my parents and they're empaths - I could say that it's harmony most of the time, but I can't say that I haven't strained my relationships with them; I can be extremely difficult to get along with. Other than the emotional outbursts, lack of empathy and sympathy, and tactlessness, I also express way too many anxieties in front of them - and it's extremely severe. They do get fed up with these anxieties and it's been years of accumulated frustration. I also tend to whine and complain, and just exhibit a general negative attitude.

If I ever wish to move out, it's not to get away from them - it's for them to get away from me. I'm tired of pushing away the people who love me most. I don't have any siblings, hardly ever any friends, and have never been in a romantic relationship - so my parents' love makes all the difference in the world; it's the primary reason why I haven't completely snapped. It's the difference between severe anxieties and full-blown depression. Right now I make weekly visits to the psychologist and we're gradually working on all of my struggles. We've gone over mostly anxieties and social problems.

My parents may get fed up with me A LOT, but they don't call me a monster. Please cut that person out of your life if you can and don't ever be around them. You don't need all that extra stress in your life, and we Aspies worry enough as it is already.

 

[Chance]

ever since I was little, someone very close to me used to point out how self centered I was. I suspect they are an empath, as they are always trying to help everyone and reached out to everyone, even if they didn't know them. since I didn't constantly try to help everyone, this person used to scold me on my lack of empathy and called me a monster. I feel terrible, but I see the world in black and white, there is no gray area. I often feel like something is wrong with me, and even though I try to be kind, sometimes I can only be honest. and that honesty comes off as me being rude. I know lack of empathy is a very well known aspie trait- can aspies and empaths live in harmony? because it really doesn't look like they can. that said, i'm tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me, and starting to wonder if I really am a monster or heartless, because this person keeps criticizing me for it. I know I am not a psychopath, and I do feel pity and grief for people- mostly anime and video game characters, but that's still something! so could this be part of my NVLD? and do any other people have this issue?

Wow, your not a monster... Why do people have to be so mean and why cant they just think before they become what they just called you?

I am ASD, and yes I suck at displaying empathy. I am a no drama type person. I just go for whatever fixes the issue and I have no want to explain what I cant explain. I think very logical and very literal, but that doesn't often relate to how I actually feel inside. Thats a lot of the ASD problem for me. I have been called heartless, when inside I feel crushed over something, and others are all emotional and I'm just standing there not knowing what to say or do...

I even have a family member who demands I at least fake that I care... I think thats asking the impossible. How do I fake what I cant display? I'm not saying I cant, but I haven't never really been able to make this part of my socializing work out very well at all.

Its like this wall... I cant display what I feel a lot of the time, so I just stand there blank. It sucks and yes I even notice it, and then I do feel like a monster... But I am not a monster in any fashion, neither are you.

If I could tear down that wall in my head, I guess I would be a lot less ASD, but that is one thing I haven't been able to do yet, not saying it will never happen.

I have tons of feelings and emotions just trapped, I just have no way to get them out of me...

However being blunt, especially when I'm tired or stressed out... Yeah I'm good at that, and it gets me into trouble sometimes. I just try very hard to not say much at all most the time.

I remember once, not very long ago, this person died and I was forced to go to the funeral and I didn't want to go. When it was my turn to console this person I told this lady, "It will be alright and smiled." I thought I was going to get punched in the face. I meant what I said, and she took it as a heartless gesture and got mad. She started screaming at me, that it wasn't alright that her husband died. That is why people need to leave us alone when we don't want to go somewhere. I was criticized for days and I still don't know what I did wrong? It will be alright... I wasn't saying I was glad he was dead, but you would think that is what I said. Geez.

Please don't let people crush you like this...
You KNOW your not a monster... So let it go, and yes that is hard to do, but try really hard. Please : )

 

[kay]

I am only friends with people who don't have this issue with me - some people just expect too much, imho. This is also why I hate and never fit in with things like "sisterhood" circles or other women's group type things. Actually, today I skipped out on a "tea party" because it was a whole bunch of females getting together and bonding and empathizing, doing that whole "laughing and crying together thing" or something like that. I hate all of that crud, lol

I couldn't agree with you more about the women's things. Clicking the check mark icon alone just can't express how much I agree.

 

[WereBear]

I suspect they are an empath, as they are always trying to help everyone and reached out to everyone, even if they didn't know them.

I'm about as Aspie as they come -- check the stats in my sig! -- and yet this describes me.

Because...

I do help people out - what they are upset about is me not *acting* and making them *feel* as they think I should.

/\THIS/\ so much.

I totally do the first half of "empathy." I connect with the person and feel what I imagine is their feels, and I seem to be very good at it. I even do it with pets

I think most of us are capable of doing this. It's what we do in response that is perhaps seen as so very different.

• We don't lie.
• We try to help in a logical way.
• We don't create false ways of feeling better for the person to try.
• We might not agree with them about how this happened
• We don't just reflect their emotions back at them... which is what this person often wants. And all they want.

Thus, we don't act the way they want us to. For some, this is enough to label us as "monsters" because they recognize only one way to be.

And we are far more flexible than that.

 

[Reedstorm17]

It makes me so mad when people say we lack empathy, because it's so untrue! At least to me, it's just really hard to express. Because people only observe us from the outside and rarely ask us about the inside, they form ridiculous ideas.

 

[WereBear]

I have feelings and emotions for people and situations, but I do not express them in the way that others think I should.

A thousand agrees!

It is indeed a very fine line to walk, not a bit helped by the fact that NTs cannot understand, articulate, or explain their own behavior!

 

[bon vide]

even if you dont have empathy, that doesnt make you a monster or a bad person at all. nobody can control how much empathy they have, and it doesnt have that big of an impact on your ability to do bad things anyway. like, anyone could/will do/have done bad things regardless of how much empathy they have. like, im an empath but ive been called a heartless monster plenty of times(broke some hearts, and yeah, i feel bad about it)

 

[Ambi]

A thousand agrees!

It is indeed a very fine line to walk, not a bit helped by the fact that NTs cannot understand, articulate, or explain their own behavior!

The fact that NTs can't understand, articulate, or explain their own behavior, let alone that of non-NTs, should make it clear how unqualified they are to cast these judgements. And yet they consider themselves the experts, and we are the deviants. So ridiculous.

 

[Kirsty]

Also monsters have trouble typing.

Its the big fingers

They can shove it up their Aspies.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

They can shove it up their Aspies.

Hey. Monster consent.

 

[Ambi]

even if you dont have empathy, that doesnt make you a monster or a bad person at all. nobody can control how much empathy they have, and it doesnt have that big of an impact on your ability to do bad things anyway. like, anyone could/will do/have done bad things regardless of how much empathy they have. like, im an empath but ive been called a heartless monster plenty of times(broke some hearts, and yeah, i feel bad about it)

Yes - i think this is important. Likewise, a person who does not have much empathy can still restrain themselves from doing harmful things and can instead do helpful things. Feelings don't have to play such an important role at all.

 

[Gracey]

this family member has an opinion. This doesn't make it a fact, it is still just an opinion.
Whether or not you're going to let this opinion define you as a person is your choice.

I think the fact that this opinion has upset you means that you already have a good idea of who you are. You already disagree with this family member (in the form of feeling upset)
Trust your own idea of who you are. It's usually pretty accurate.

Anothers' opinion will only matter if we believe it. It's never compulsory. (to believe it)

 

[Jet Weiss]

I am often told that I am self centred and rude. I do feel empathy, though I am more empathetic toward some people rather than others.
I have a different way of expressing my emotions and empathy than what most people are used to. I am also honest to a fault which people interpret as me intentionally being a jerk.

This person who is making these comments to you clearly doesn't understand that you have a different way of feeling and expressing things than they do.
As I have said to other members here, you know yourself better than anyone else does.

 

[WereBear]

I am often told that I am self centred and rude.

It is my belief that this accusation is often used to manipulate and discourage. After all, someone "nice" gets run over by more assertive people, and winds up doing things they don't want to do.