Driving lessons torture

[Arsinoe]

Hi to everyone

So I've suspected for years that I'm on the spectrum, I have no official diagnosis yet, I just know that I ''click'' on all those autistic trait boxes and every year that passes, it becomes more and more noticable in my daily life..especially as I get more responsibilities and more obligations (I'm awful at 'adulting').
I'm 31 years old and recently I started studying to get my driving license. Today was my first lesson. And it only confirmed my fears. This is going to be pure torture for me. I have very poor coordination and multi-tasking skills and when I focus on one thing I tend to lose my focus on other things and driving needs you to focus to a bunch of different things at once!

Starting today I was supposed to get accustomed to putting pressures on the pedals and learn how to handle the movement of my toes on them and how to smoothly and slowly release each of them or switch from one of them to the other and use the speeds,etc.. I know it's only the first lesson and I'm probably overstressed but even from the 1st lesson I can tell I will have a hard time with this. While driving, I had my hands on the steering wheel but if it weren't for the teacher handling it and turning it whenever necessary I'd have otherwise not even noticed its existence! I was so hyper-focussed on my legs and the teacher's instructions so I wouldn't miss anything that I didn't even remember there was a steering wheel..it's like I was holding it only as a decorative part rather than something that is meant to help the car's movement. I don't know how the 2nd lesson will be but even the synchronized movements you have to do with the pedals alone are hard enough for me. I was so stressed before the lesson that my stomach actually hurt and even now, hours after it, I still haven't recovered. I don't care if I won't be a ''good'' driver, I just don't wanna have or cause any accident and be able to drive for my basic needs and for my work. Other than that I won't even be touching that thing if I can help it! I'm really not made to be handling heavy machinery or anything that requires multi-focussing and multitasking x_x Like how do you people handle this? How did you manage to get through the lessons??

Also another question...how did you get your diagnosis? Did you have a brainscan?

 

[Forest Cat]

This was your first lesson so try to relax and not worry too much. It will get easier. I know it can be overwhelming, a lot of things going on, but hang in there. It will gradually get easier. Driving is not as terrible as it can seem to be at first. After a while several things becomes like a reflex, you just do it without thinking about it. Like the pedals, you won't even think about that after you get used to it. I have taught people to drive and it's just practice, practice, practice. Like it is with most things.

It might feel like torture now, but you have just started, you're at step one. Give it some time and don't give up. Just keep trying.

How did I get my diagnosis, I went through 30 hours of tests and examinations. And at the end of it they gave me a paper that said I had ASD.

 

[Arsinoe]

This was your first lesson so try to relax and not worry too much. It will get easier. I know it can be overwhelming, a lot of things going on, but hang in there. It will get gradually get easier. Driving is not as terrible as it can seem to be at first. After a while several things becomes like a reflex, you just do it without thinking about it. Like the pedals, you won't even think about that after you get used to it.

I learned to drive when I was 13 so that made it easier, it's easier to learn things at that age. So by the time I was going to get my license at 18, I didn't really need lessons. I have driven a lot over the years and driven many different things. I even drive rally now and then, I love driving fast and sideways. And I think my best tip is to drive more. You have to get used to it and to get used to it you have to spend more time in cars. I have taught people to drive and it's just practice, practice, practice. Like it is with most things.

It might feel like torture now, but you have just started, you're at step one. Give it some time and don't give up. Just keep trying.

How did I get my diagnosis, I went through 30 hours of tests and examinations. And at the end of it they gave me a paper that said I had ASD.

Thank you very much for your reply I really hope it will be as you describe it. Learning at a younger age is definitely better I agree. I wish I could have afforded it earlier :/ I hope the lessons I will do will be enough for me to get more confident, it's just that..well the teacher is kind of a stress bug himself..which only stresses me more. I feel like he expects me to ''get it'' pretty soon you know? I'm sure most of his students are able to get used to these things quite quickly but he will be disappointed if he expects the same from me. I do take my sweet time to learn things and even rushing myself will not really make me learn much faster.

I'm willing to spend many hours on examinations, I don't mind that. I wanna know if it's AD or ADD, or both or just some sort of life-messing PTSD because that's on the list of possibilities as well x_x

 

[Hypnalis]

If you can e.g. run over uneven ground, you have the minimum coordination to drive a car.
Also you shouldn't drive if you tend to panic in moderately stressful situations.

Neither of those potential issues is characteristic of ASD, but being ASD doesn't exclude poor coordination or a tendency to panic.

The rest is on you. What you should do is obvious.
Whether you can do it is partly under your control, and can probably be brought mostly under your control.

 

[Forest Cat]

I hope the lessons I will do will be enough for me to get more confident, it's just that..well the teacher is kind of a stress bug himself..which only stresses me more.

Yes, that is a common problem. Driving intructors stressing people out. It's easy to get stressed out in that situation. The best thing is usually to drive a little in a big empty parking lot or other empty space with someone you know and trust. Then it's possible to get more comfortable with the car without having a driving instructor making you more stressed. But I know that can be difficult to do.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Driving is/was always hell for me, too. However, I'm very glad that I managed to get my license at 18, because now I have it and even though I basically never use it, it's always easier to find a driving instructor to do a few lessons to get over the worst fear if needed if you already have a license, than to do the whole thing from scratch.
I agree, try not to overstress about this after only your first lesson. The pedals and shifting gears (if that's even an issue for you, maybe you drive automatic?) will really get more into your muscle memory. I'm not saying it will ever get great, but those coordination things will get better. And if you drive manual now, it will definitely be easier if you choose to drive automatic after your exam.

But if you have the option, maybe you could request a different driving instructor? I still remember mine, he was so relaxed and friendly and almost never got impatient, it helped me a lot (only once he got a bit mad, when I had almost caused a dangerous situation, I think that reaction was okay). It can really make a difference. You don't need to feel bad for that, either. You're paying for it and you have the right to request an instructor whom you get along with well and who doesn't make it even more stressful for you.

As for diagnosis, I had a long talk with a psychologist specialized on autism and ADHD where she first let me tell her freely and then asked me tons of questions. She didn't have any free spots for the thorough assessment (also, it would be very expensive), but basically told me that, in her opinion, it's certain that I have it.

 

[Forest Cat]

maybe you could request a different driving instructor? I still remember mine, he was so relaxed and friendly and almost never got impatient, it helped me a lot (only once he got a bit mad, when I had almost caused a dangerous situation, I think that reaction was okay).

I think driving instructors are some of the bravest people on the planet. They spend all day sitting in a car driven by people who don't know how to drive. That's brave.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

I think driving instructors are some of the bravest people on the planet. They spend all day sitting in a car driven by people who don't know how to drive. That's brave.

Absolutely, and I don't mean to blame stressed driving instructors, I 100% understand them, but I still think, you have the right to get taught by someone who's usually friendly and polite, especially if you're a nervous driver yourself. Also, I think there's a difference in impulsively reacting mad/stressed for a bit after a stressfull car situation, or just constantly pressuring and stressing your driving student if it's not necessary.

 

[Judge]

I think driving instructors are some of the bravest people on the planet. They spend all day sitting in a car driven by people who don't know how to drive. That's brave.

That's another odd trait I have. No fear when it comes to whomever may be behind the wheel at any given time.

Though it's not neurological. Just something I experienced with a friend whose stepfather was an amateur race car driver, who didn't seem to know the difference between driving on public roads and driving on the racetrack in his souped-up 63 Chevy Impala (circa 1964).

We just thought it was lots of fun. Like a free roller coaster ride!

The thing about driving a car is to understand that anyone can become proficient and comfortable with it through primarily one thing- practice until you get it right. And you will get it right.

 

[UFO]

First driving lesson is an indicator of nothing...

Like how do you people handle this? How did you manage to get through the lessons??

I don't and I didn't. I paid for double amount of driving hours and finally I agreed with my driving teacher that I never attempt to drive a car again, and I never tell anyone who my teacher was...

More seriously: I was able either to handle car well, or avoid hitting people with it, but not both same time. I loved how I managed icy road slide practice, no uncontrollable spinning and only couple traffic cones bumped over.

how did you get your diagnosis?

I didn't. At this age I find it useless. Should have had one 45 years ago when I could have actually benefited from life coaching instead having to figure out everything myself.

 

[Mary Terry]

That's another odd trait I have. No fear when it comes to whomever may be behind the wheel at any given time.

Though it's not neurological. Just something I experienced with a friend whose stepfather was an amateur race car driver, who didn't seem to know the difference between driving on public roads and driving on the racetrack in his souped-up 63 Chevy Impala (circa 1964).

We just thought it was lots of fun. Like a free roller coaster ride!

The thing about driving a car is to understand that anyone can become proficient and comfortable with it through primarily one thing- practice until you get it right. And you will get it right.

I'm always nervous about other people driving. I don't trust anyone! Some family friends from Germany visited us a few years back, rented a car, and proceeded to drive here like they were on the Autobahn with no speed limits. They scared me to death. News flash! We have speed limits in the US for every road.

My younger sister is profoundly deaf. She lipreads and as an adult, learned sign language. When she was 15, old enough to get her beginner's driver license, no one in our family was brave enough to teach her except for me. I didn't want her to take her eyes off the road to look at my mouth so we worked out some primitive hand signals so I could coach her while she drove. I put my hands in front of her so she could see them without taking her eyes off the road. A clenched fist meant slow down, for example. She learned, I survived, she did not have an accident, and she is an excellent driver today.

Beginners definitely should learn in a car with an automatic transmission. Learning to drive in a vehicle with a standard transmission is much harder and more complicated. Once you master driving an auto transmission, you can move up to using a standard transmission.

 

[Judge]

I'm always nervous about other people driving. I don't trust anyone! Some family friends from Germany visited us a few years back, rented a car, and proceeded to drive here like they were on the Autobahn with no speed limits. They scared me to death. News flash! We have speed limits in the US for every road.

My younger sister is profoundly deaf. She lipreads and as an adult, learned sign language. When she was 15, old enough to get her beginner's driver license, no one in our family was brave enough to teach her except for me. I didn't want her to take her eyes off the road to look at my mouth so we worked out some primitive hand signals so I could coach her while she drove. I put my hands in front of her so she could see them without taking her eyes off the road. A clenched fist meant slow down, for example. She learned, I survived, she did not have an accident, and she is an excellent driver today.

Beginners definitely should learn in a car with an automatic transmission. Learning to drive in a vehicle with a standard transmission is much harder and more complicated. Once you master driving an auto transmission, you can move up to using a standard transmission.

Both my mother and my brother were what I called "white-knuckle drivers". Nearly paranoid about anyone getting behind the wheel other than themselves. The odd part was that while my mother was an excellent driver, my brother was not at all. Go figure.

I learned to drive on automatic transmission cars. However in our household we always had a manual transmission car as well. I still crack up over my engineer father's impatience with me in learning to drive a 3-speed Ford Maverick. It just didn't work for him- or me. Mom had to step in and in about a week I was driving the Maverick. All I had to do beyond that was to practice.

The trick? Start out driving a stick-shift in unoccupied paved areas....like a school parking lot after hours. Not on busy streets. Something my mother thought of, while my father wanted it more of a case of "trial by fire".

 

[Mary Terry]

Both my mother and my brother were what I called "white-knuckle drivers". Nearly paranoid about anyone getting behind the wheel other than themselves. The odd part was that while my mother was an excellent driver, my brother was not at all. Go figure.

I learned to drive on automatic transmission cars. However in our household we always had a manual transmission car as well. I still crack up over my engineer father's impatience with me in learning to drive a 3-speed Ford Maverick. It just didn't work for him- or me. Mom had to step in and in about a week I was driving the Maverick. All I had to do beyond that was to practice.

The trick? Start out driving in unoccupied paved areas....like a school parking lot after hours. Not on busy streets. Something my mother thought of instantly, while my father wanted it more of a case of "trial by fire".

My little brother and I were jointly driving a standard transmission American Motors Rambler station wagon (I think that's what it was) in pastures by the time I was about 10 and he was 8. I was too short to reach the foot pedals so he worked the clutch, gear shift, brake and accelerator while I steered the car. Our parents didn't care as long as we didn't get on a road. Country kids had a lot of freedom and parental trust back in those days.

 

[Judge]

My little brother and I were jointly driving a standard transmission American Motors Rambler station wagon (I think that's what it was) in pastures by the time I was about 10 and he was 8. I was too short to reach the foot pedals so he worked the clutch, gear shift, brake and accelerator while I steered the car. Our parents didn't care as long as we didn't get on a road. Country kids had a lot of freedom and parental trust back in those days.

Reminds me of a guy I knew in Junior High. He didn't have any nearby pastures to drive on at the age of 14. He'd just wait until his folks left the house in the other car...and off he went on the roads.

Lots of freedom and trust....based on what his parents didn't know.

 

[Forest Cat]

Some family friends from Germany visited us a few years back, rented a car, and proceeded to drive here like they were on the Autobahn with no speed limits.

That's really funny. Autobahn-Germans on American roads.

 

[Arsinoe]

Driving is/was always hell for me, too. However, I'm very glad that I managed to get my license at 18, because now I have it and even though I basically never use it, it's always easier to find a driving instructor to do a few lessons to get over the worst fear if needed if you already have a license, than to do the whole thing from scratch.
I agree, try not to overstress about this after only your first lesson. The pedals and shifting gears (if that's even an issue for you, maybe you drive automatic?) will really get more into your muscle memory. I'm not saying it will ever get great, but those coordination things will get better. And if you drive manual now, it will definitely be easier if you choose to drive automatic after your exam.

But if you have the option, maybe you could request a different driving instructor? I still remember mine, he was so relaxed and friendly and almost never got impatient, it helped me a lot (only once he got a bit mad, when I had almost caused a dangerous situation, I think that reaction was okay). It can really make a difference. You don't need to feel bad for that, either. You're paying for it and you have the right to request an instructor whom you get along with well and who doesn't make it even more stressful for you.

As for diagnosis, I had a long talk with a psychologist specialized on autism and ADHD where she first let me tell her freely and then asked me tons of questions. She didn't have any free spots for the thorough assessment (also, it would be very expensive), but basically told me that, in her opinion, it's certain that I have it.

Thank you Sadly where I live driving schools are more like 'driving training offices' where there's only 1 teacher available or 2 maximum. I go to this person because the family behind it knows my family and I'd be able to negotiate the time of payment in case I couldn't pay it all at once. I wasn't familiar with anyone else here to ask that so I came in this one. It's not that he's mean or anything but it seems that he as a person tends to get stressed a bit or is kinda on the ''hurrying up'' lane. And I'm naturally slow at learning new subjects especially about stuff that isn't easy for my brain, like machines. I'm really hoping it will indeed get easier, I'm mostly worried on the multi-focussing thing.
Your diagnosis seems to have been quite smooth, it's great that you found someone who was an expert on this area

 

[Arsinoe]

First driving lesson is an indicator of nothing...


I don't and I didn't. I paid for double amount of driving hours and finally I agreed with my driving teacher that I never attempt to drive a car again, and I never tell anyone who my teacher was...

More seriously: I was able either to handle car well, or avoid hitting people with it, but not both same time. I loved how I managed icy road slide practice, no uncontrollable spinning and only couple traffic cones bumped over.


I didn't. At this age I find it useless. Should have had one 45 years ago when I could have actually benefited from life coaching instead having to figure out everything myself.

I agree with you on the diagnosis thing. I'm 31 now and I mostly wanna know to get it out of my head and finally have an answer. Other than that it will most likely not benefit me in anything and I'm aware of it, but I've gone on in life always feeling that something was 'off' and I have so many indicators but no actual answer and I want that.

 

[Ken]

When I learned to drive, my social anxiety was a big problem. Being taught anything is a social event. Was a major problem all through school.

I learned to drive on my own. We lived out in the country and I would practice driving around typically vacant back roads.

I have found that I can lean most anything; I just can't be taught.

Still, decades later, it is extremely stressful to drive with passengers. I am convinced that they are constantly watching and judging me, which can cause me to make a mistake. On my own, I do just fine.

 

[Arsinoe]

I was in second grade. I had gone nonverbal, and although I was an advanced student, with top of the class grades in things like math, spelling, phonics, and language arts, I struggled a lot.

I was assessed at this doctors office looking place, and then diagnosed with Aspergers.

I was brought every day into a little classroom where a nice teacher and I worked together privately, and occasionally with other students on speech and other things. She would have me verbally say the names of shapes and describe them. I already knew my shapes and colors of course, but it was her way of getting me to talk. I remember a fun board game.

Then all of a sudden, the school district determined that girls cannot get autism. I was taken out of the program. Suddenly teachers and other officials labeled me as lazy. When I would have meltdowns or shutdowns, or I would hide, this behavior was labeled as "attention seeking". When really, that was the furthest from the truth.

I spent the rest of my school years struggling, learning tricks and masking skills in order to make it.

When I was in a youth home for runaways, the counselor there once again diagnosed me with Aspergers. But when my parents came to get me, and I went back to regular school, the teachers and administrators scoffed at the idea.

In my late twenties, I had a long time psychologist and she diagnosed me with Aspergers once again.

And then just recently, when i went through counseling, my therapist affirmed the Autism diagnosis.

I guess they don't say "Aspergers" anymore. I've looked into the new criteria. I think I might be Autism 2, but I'm not sure.

I never understood the controversy around the 'Aspergers' term?? Like when did people start getting offended/annoyed with it and decided it should not be used anymore?

 

[Arsinoe]

When I learned to drive, my social anxiety was a big problem. Being taught anything is a social event. Was a major problem all through school.

I learned to drive on my own. We lived out in the country and I would practice driving around typically vacant back roads.

I have found that I can lean most anything; I just can't be taught.

Still, decades later, it is extremely stressful to drive with passengers. I am convinced that they are constantly watching and judging me, which can cause me to make a mistake. On my own, I do just fine.

That's actually how I learned how to ride a bicycle when I was little. My sisters were supposed to be teaching me but for some reason I never got the hang of it while they taught me. So one afternoon I took my bicycle and started riding it on my own, my mom saw me through the window and was at awe that I actually did it by myself. I have a feeling that I too will be much more comfortable with the car when I'll be alone to practice it. Alone or at least with someone who can remain 100% calm all the time.