Delayed Emotional Processing

[Alexej]

HI and welcome to the Forums @Xin Zhou

I see you are new here - so please make yourself at home and get to know us a bit

 

[Xin Zhou]

HI and welcome to the Forums @Xin Zhou

I see you are new here - so please make yourself at home and get to know us a bit

Thankyou

 

[Gift2humanity]

So I found something about 'delayed emotional processing' on this site in a different thread and want to know more. Either through you guys' personal experience or some other sources besides the site the link I found it in was linking to.

From what I've gathered if you've got Aspergers (though I'm not sure if this is Aspie only?) you're prone to get an emotional response to something big and negative only after it has happened. The real kicker is that the response might even be bigger than the event might have warranted. I was wondering if others here have experience with this.

I'm thinking about a 'recent' experience of mine. Last year I've lost one of my pets. In a matter of two weeks she became and past away. Of course I was sad about this and even cried, but even now I'll get sudden bouts of deep grief over her dead. A similar thing happened with the passing away of my grandfather. I cried for a short moment during his burial, but didn't actually crack until the first anniversary of his dead. Is this what is meant with Delayed Emotional Processing? I'm eager to hear your thoughts.

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your pet and grandfather.

I cannot imagine how painful this was for you.

This is not to say that your grief is not valid, of course it is, it’s just the way I process grief has puzzled me, until I knew of Asperger’s.

Loss of a loved person or pet is bad.

Again, I used to beat myself up for it, until I found out I am an Aspie.

 

[Ylva]

I keep assuming I'll process like a neurotypical, and I keep not doing that. I think that's what causes the delay for me.

 

[Gift2humanity]

I was binge-researching that very thing just two days ago.

So for me...it seems to be part of a pretty big picture: AS, C-PTSD, and general dissociative issues. And it doesn't happen only with big things, like loss of a loved one or a car wreck or whatever. I also experience delayed emotional processing in everyday events and interactions...just regular conversations. I'm not "present" to the emotions of the conversation until the conversation is over. There are so many layers of processing to be done in that one interaction of a conversation: sensory data, emotional data, verbal exchange, and more. I just can't process that many layers at once, so the emotional part of it gets delayed so I can stay functional on the verbal level and also handle input on the sensory level that is relevant to the conversation.

If I'm participating in a conversation like this one, where responses in each direction are delayed, I can take the time I need to process all of these different layers and I'm actually more engaged emotionally in a long-distance conversation like this than I am in a face-to-face conversation because here, the emotional layers can be processed as the conversation progresses instead of having to wait until after it's over. I can't tell you how long I spend pouring over an email I'm sending (both before and after sending it) or a response I get in order to process the emotional layers of it. But of course, that's not very "intimate" like a face-to-face conversation would be. But I just can't seem to be emotionally "present" in a face-to-face conversation because there's too much energy and data that must be managed first.

So...all of that to say...I'm now experimenting to see if I can manage to be emotionally present in the moment of an interaction or an event, and see if that helps me feel more connected with the reality around me.

This is synchronicity.
I believe that synchronicity happens for a reason, and is not just random.
Your post says you are trying to be emotionally present.
Very recently I have decided to be present in all areas of life, like I’m trying to be more present than I have ever been.

Being present can only do good, in life, full stop, as well as emotional processing. I feel sure of that as I practice.

I can relate to the lack of presence in interpersonal interactions.

A previous psychiatrist said I also had C-PTSD although he added that here in the UK, it is not recognised as an official diagnosis, which puzzles me in itself, for another thread, perhaps.

 

[Gift2humanity]

I believe I have experienced delayed emotional processing.

The following story bears a strong trigger warning as it deals with sexual assault.

Spoiler: Trigger Warning!

One day I was visiting an other city and taking in the sites by myself. A man came up to me and started having a conversation with me. Things very quickly became sexual with him and he coerced me into doing various things I was uncomfortable with. It wasn't exactly rape, but his methods were insidious and he made me feel guilty and stupid whenever I was unwilling. He also physically blocked me from leaving on several occasions. We ultimately wound up in his apartment. I totally shut down at one point, just standing in place while he dry humped me, then I walked away.

Following that I thought, "Well, that was dangerous, but it's over and I am a grown woman in control of my own sexuality, so whatever." I simply went about the rest of my day, sight seeing and taking photos, like nothing had happened.

Months later I began to process what had happened and actually started to feel very violated and depressed. Perhaps the magnitude of my feelings was unwarranted, but it would have been nice if they had been there in the moment rather than months after the fact.

I also had a boss who slapped me on the butt one day. When it happened I really didn't react, but the next day I was furious. I never forgave him, and even when he died I didn't feel sorry for him.

I am sorry you experienced these things.
You are not alone.

I have had some unwanted experiences.
I used to get frustrated by my lack of response at the time, also, my delayed realisation of each situation.

Before I knew about Asperger’s I got frustrated with myself for being somehow defective, when all along I was an Aspie without knowing at the time.

 

[Gift2humanity]

I'm a little confused about this, but this is the first I've heard of it.

Is it delayed processing of one's own emotions?

Is it delayed processing of the emotional landscape of certain experiences, not just yours but the emotions of the others involved?

For me, it's both. I am often preoccupied with my own physical sensations, not necessarily my emotions, so I miss the connections between what is happening and the emotions involved.

I think it’s any form of emotional delay, however, I am ok if someone wants to correct me.

 

[Gift2humanity]

I've been there. But, mine is almost half intentional. Like when one of my relatives lost a baby, I kinda half suppressed, half naturally delayed processing the loss. I was there for the relatives until they'd gotten out most of their grief, then took my turn. Similar cases have happened with bad situations, like hunting down lost kids at a park, dealing with car wrecks, and stuff like that. I enjoy it, honestly. It lets me handle the situation with a cool and level head, and then when it's safe to fall apart, my emotions kick in.

To me, that sounds like you are being selfless.
Wanting to know if others are ok, then your emotions kicking in afterwards.

 

[Gift2humanity]

Maybe there's a survival reason for delayed emotional processing...

I never thought about it in that way.
I just get annoyed with myself when I should have responded, in an interpersonal situation in a way I can respect myself for.

Sometimes I can give rehearsed responses, other times I am shocked, even worse, even if I have a ready made short polite response, it doesn’t come at the right time.

 

[Gift2humanity]

I'm the same way. I've long trained myself to approach things cognitively first (it works about 90% of the time). Everything else waits for cognition to finish at least first-round processing. I find it very useful in a crisis or intense conversation. Other people sometimes find it a little cold, though.

Before I refined that skill, I had a very hard time regulating the relative flow of thoughts, emotions and behavior. It was a mess that left me exhausted and rarely productive. I occasionally worry that I could get too good at holding back emotions, to the point where they may stop coming naturally anymore. So far, so good, though.

So long as the emotions do get processed when it feels safe.
I found that they fester for me if I don’t process them.

 

[Gift2humanity]

I'm wondering how this (delayed emotional processing) relates to emotional detachment, which can be a healthy way to maintain boundaries, and dissociation, which is usually a coping or survival strategy which can often become problematic.

Maybe they aren't related at all, but when we are dealing with traumatic events, I think we're really dealing with dissociation.

I suppose delayed emotional processing would have a marked effect on how one deals with a traumatic event, resulting in greater tendencies to become dissociated.

When I was meditating regularly I felt I had a healthy emotional detachment, and since I was living a life close to the precepts of the tradition, I was experiencing life with greater sense of peace and understanding. I think I was able to better "approach things cognitively" as Slithy stated, and stay above the emotional turmoil of a situation. Fast forward 5-10 years and I have lost that emotional detachment and I often edge on dissociation, I just check out when things get too out of hand.

Before that, I think that I was mainly dealing with delayed emotional processing, I didn't know how things effected me emotionally until I had plenty of time to replay things, process, and analyze what went on. By then, of course, any chance at emotional connection and communication had passed.

I don't really have any experiences that I would consider traumatic. Difficult, disappointing, hurtful experiences, yes, but not traumatic. I'm sorry that some of you have had such bad experiences.

I hope that you can get back to the meditation.

 

[Gift2humanity]

I do also think that it might be a bit of a survival skill. I also have experience with basically 'flipping off a switch' on command when it comes to certain things. At the moment I'm in a stressful (but still good) part of my life, where I'm sure a NT person might be a lot more emotional about it. It is possible for me to tell people close to me, very blank and straightforward, what is happening and that I'm hurt/pissed off/etc. I usually get commands that it is okay to cry or be upset and that I sound very distant from my issues.

The thing is, while I don't have anything against crying itself, I don't like to cry. I don't like the feelings I associate with it; stress, sadness, depression, feelings of loss and/or powerlessness, sometimes even frustration. In certain situations, like this one, I don't see the point of being sad or cry. I do not feel like letting my feelings lead me in dealing with the issues. So I flip the switch. I'm still annoyed and hurt, but I don't stress out or get depressed. I'll have some episodes every now and then, but at least I can deal with the issues a lot better than if I didn't.

I have delays in practical thinking and actions as well as emotional.
I’ll give someone a list of things I need to bring to their attention, to be addressed, all prepared, and I’ll miss an important point off, causing hassle further down the line.

Unlike you, with close people, I can still get delays in processing.

Crying used to embarrass me, especially if it was in an interaction with a work colleague who got power from verbally bullying people.

These days, I don’t work, yet if I need to cry, I would rather do it and not feel weak. It would feel I am holding in toxic emotions if I did not cry.
I do not have to have whoever upset me know I cried, if they are toxic, as that would feed them power.

 

[Gift2humanity]

I have delayed emotional processing to everything... Even basic conversations. It's really inconvenient!! During the conversation I'm too busy making up a "normal looking" response that I don't pick up subtle cues until afterwards and don't pick up on my own emotions until maybe a day, days, or even weeks later when I reflect on it.
I keep giving people false impressions of how I think and feel because of this, but I was really just trying too hard to not make people uncomfortable. *exasperation*
I also prefer text. I can't read as much emotional information from other people because I don't have similar emotions, but I can definitely express myself more freely, even if I'm also not understood.

It’s a challenge isn’t it?
I am challenging my fear of angering or annoying people, a past relic from drawing this towards me through vulnerability.

 

[Gift2humanity]

HI and welcome to the Forums @Xin Zhou

I see you are new here - so please make yourself at home and get to know us a bit

A warm welcome from me too @Xin Zhou.