Criticism and taking things personally

[Roxy]

I'm really bad at taking criticism. I can't bear the idea the idea that I did something wrong :-O So when my husband complains, just in general, I take it really personally. I feel bad that something went wrong and that he's complaining to me about it. Even if I didn't do anything wrong, I feel bad. If he moans that the kids didn't help out around the house, I feel like it's my fault. If he moans about the car not running right, I feel like it's my fault. If the dog did something wrong and he complains, I feel like it was my fault. Basically if he's moaning to me, I feel like I did something wrong. I'm never really sure what I did (probably because I didn't do anything) and that leaves me feeling confused as well as bad about myself

I'm not sure how to change this. Does anyone relate to what I'm saying or is it just me? :arghh:

 

[Flinty]

I'm not sure how to change this. Does anyone relate to what I'm saying or is it just me? :arghh:

Oh, and how. My parents got into shouting matches with my sister very, very often. It would cause me to run into my room thinking I had done something wrong. Of course, they also liked to blame me for things done by others...

These days, it hits at work. I had to disappear for two months in 2010 because of it. :wacko: (We've found a happy medium now, thankfully.)

 

[BruceCM]

I think 'taking things personally' is a stupid term, sorry; however you 'take' whatever's said to you, it's you, personally, doing it but if you don't 'take' whatever's said in any way at all, you can't interpret it properly. Then, once you don't take it the way it comes across, there's no way to work out what way it was meant or how that affects the meaning. Obviously, it's only around here & it's only in my experience that 'taking things personally' is supposed to be so bad, otherwise the OP couldn't post about it, whilst saying they can't bear the idea they've ever done anything 'wrong'. Since that covers mistakes & , again, only in my experience, it's a given that everybody makes mistakes & nobody's perfect. Sorry, nothing really helpful to say, unless this conveys any sympathy or anything!

 

[tree]

I think 'taking things personally' is an instance of
a person telling a story to himself
about what the criticism means.

For instance, I might apply for a job, but not get it.
What is the meaning of that?
Does it mean I am worthless? Or does it mean I did not get the job?

The second is true, but the first is an irrational evaluation.

OP: "I can't bear the idea the idea that I did something wrong."
This is not a rational statement. No person explodes/melts to a puddle/deconstructs
(under non-scifi/fantasy circumstances) from making a mistake.
Error is not 'unbearable.'
It may be really unpleasant, uncomfortable, or inconvenient to make
mistakes, but the experience is not unbearable.

One way to change 'taking things personally' is
learning to identify non-rational stories a person tells himself.

Here are 10 common non-rational ideas:
1. The idea that you must have love or approval from all the significant people in your life
2. The idea that you absolutely must be thoroughly competent, adequate, and achieving or the idea that you must be competent or talented in some important area.
3. The idea that other people absolutely must not act obnoxiously and unfairly, and that when they do, you should blame and damn them, and see them as bad, wicked, or rotten individuals.
4. The idea that you have to see things as being awful, terrible, and catastrophic when you are seriously frustrated or treated unfairly.
5. The idea that you must be miserable when you have pressures and difficult experiences; and that you have little ability to control, and cannot change, your disturbed feelings.
6. The idea that if something is deemed dangerous or fearsome, you must obsess about it and frantically try to escape from it before it happens.
7. The idea that you can easily avoid facing challenges and responsibilities and still lead a highly fulfilling existence.
8. The idea that your past remains all-important and because something once strongly influenced your life, it has to keep determining your feelings and behavior today.
9. The idea that people and things absolutely must be better than they are and that it is awful and horrible if you cannot change life’s grim facts to suit you.
10. The idea that you can achieve maximum happiness by inertia and inaction or by passively enjoying yourself.
(Albert Ellis)

 

[Beverly]

You sound like me, a practical problem solver. I don't care who has what problem, if I hear of it directly, I find a workable solution. As to if the accept my solution or not, that is up to them.

If it is one of those rare cases where I cannot do anything to solve the problem. I simply tell them that I am not the person to complain about it to because I can't do anything about it.

Now if it's the dogs doing something wrong, I need to spend more time training them not to do that. If it's kids not helping when they should, I need to get on to them and make them help. (I do that with my grandkids, they come here, they have chores if they are here for very long, just as if they were my own kids. They eat here, they rinse and stack the dishes, they are here when we are tending the garden, they pull weeds or harvest a row. They want to swim in our pool, they have to skim it or, sweep the deck first, whichever needs done the most and, so forth.)

 

[Aspieistj]

I ALWAYS blame myself for anything that goes wrong. It is a knee-jerk reaction. As soon as I realize what I am doing and I think through the situation, even if I conclude the problem is not my fault, I am still upset. I am here on this planet. That is reason enough for bad things to happen. It is very likely due to the fact that I was severely emotionally abused by my mother, but I finally acknowledged that fact a few years after she died. I was then in my thirties. I did receive some really good counseling at that time but I have never been able to afford any future counseling that I have needed-- the first sessions were picked up by my union. At least I do understand that it is a given that I blame myself, but I still upset myself when I do it, and if I really do mess something up I am in agony. You've got to be taught---and I was definitely made to believe I am a nasty person.

 

[Cerulean]

I could see this being an aspie trait, if you've tried so hard for so long to do the right thing by everybody and follow the rules, getting it wrong can be extremely frustrating and personal, moreso than for an NT.

 

[Suzanne]

I am so like you, but I was worse at one time. Even if my husband gets moody, I automatically think it is my fault.

If the criticism is fair, then I have no issue with it, but mostly, it isn't fair and that is what I cannot accept.

Yesterday my husband had a go, because I had not done some dusting and I confess I got angry, because of the sheer amount of work I do do, which he barely mentions. But I admit, when I went in to do the dusting later yesterday, I had to admit that it was in rather a large need and felt good for having done it, but it was not a deliberate act of not being bothered, it was actually, because I rarely go into the living room, due to how disorganised it is and thus, had not noticed it needed dusting, which to be fair, is rather stupid of me, since it is logical that if it is not dusted, it will be dusty!

But yes, I am terrible for thinking everything is my fault! Some, of course is, but not everything!

 

[ItalianAspie]

Totally with you on this one