Comparing

[Cloudyday]

Hello,

I'm new here. I was dxd with AS late in my late 30's and I have a dual dx of AS and ADD. My sensitivities are sound and touch. My interests are fine art, writing and occasional photography.

I have a question regarding an anxiety that closes me down sometimes. I can manage my sensitivities by avoiding noisy places and crowds but my anxiety around comparing my life with the lives of those without a spectrum disorder can cause me a lot of distress.

The question I have is this:

Given that I cannot perceive the social fabric that allows people to come together as tightly knit groups then how can I compare myself with them if who and what they do is something I cannot see? It's a 'dark side of the moon question' because without having any information I feel that a comparison is pointless. If the comparison is pointless then why I am getting anxious about a comparison at all?

I'm not trying to divert responsibility from those who tortured or bullied me when I was young.
Instead I am looking for some peace of mind in a relationship with a social faculty I cannot share
and with lives I cannot properly see. Given that I have learned to distance myself from noises and crowds I need to find a way to be sure that I am not making monsters, because that is what is what happens with wild speculations based on insufficient data.

I carry feelings of resentment from when others have taken opportunities so
easily that I could not take. These regrets and losses has led to these feelings getting worse, a feeling that I am the last one in the railway station and all the trains have gone. Yet as I say this is based on my comparing my situation with the situations of people I cannot understand, which makes me think that there is a way to find a fresh view of all this and have a more peaceful middle age.


Thanking you now for your responses.

Cloudyday.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I think I understand what you're saying, apologies if I don't.

I compare myself to other people a lot too. It's taken me a while to accept that I do have Asperger's, I think I'm about there now. But I would compare myself to my peers from college all the time, what they're doing with their lives. This would cause me to feel depressed because I just feel like I can't help myself and that I'm completely useless. So I understand this feeling you have, it feels like you just can't help but do it. I think it interesting that you find yourself anxious over it and not so much as depressed.

To answer your question, I think that just because you can't do socialising doesn't mean you wouldn't want to be part of it, you can see that having an enjoyable time and you want to be part of it, that's quite natural. I think it doesn't matter if you have autism or not, we are social animals and as such we desire it at times.

I hope that answers your question. Again, apologies if it doesn't, your question might have been just a little too complex for me to grasp if it didn't.

 

[Mia]

It's highly likely that we hear, see and perceive of other's lives and influences through books, movies, television and simple observation and interaction of one sort or another. From a quite early age we interpret those around us and form ideas through these interactions. In doing so we also internalize the ideas or perceptions of others along the way. Picking one's way through this minefield of influences and deciding to accept or reject some ideas is perhaps a way to discover acceptance.

Rethinking as well as re-accessing one's personal triumphs and choices from another perspective as they relate to self-awareness is another. Yet it is the changing and reinterpretation of ones frame of reference that benefits the most. In doing so we form a broader view of our ourselves.

Several years ago I decided to revisit acquaintances and friends from school. People who I admired and had interesting conversations with, who I thought had all the answers to life's questions and seemed so certain about their lives and direction. Yet I discovered that their certainty was a function of youthful arrogance, without experience of the world. Few had achieved what they desired, almost all lived regular lives. It gave me more of a perspective of the human condition. I returned from this trip with a different perspective of myself and others.

Think that the road not taken is often on our minds, although it's more a puzzle of the unknown rather than a lost opportunity or a discussion of fate or predestination. It has so much to do with our sense of who we are and our very human limitations.

 

[Cloudyday]

I think I understand what you're saying, apologies if I don't.

I compare myself to other people a lot too. It's taken me a while to accept that I do have Asperger's, I think I'm about there now. But I would compare myself to my peers from college all the time, what they're doing with their lives. This would cause me to feel depressed because I just feel like I can't help myself and that I'm completely useless. So I understand this feeling you have, it feels like you just can't help but do it. I think it interesting that you find yourself anxious over it and not so much as depressed.

To answer your question, I think that just because you can't do socialising doesn't mean you wouldn't want to be part of it, you can see that having an enjoyable time and you want to be part of it, that's quite natural. I think it doesn't matter if you have autism or not, we are social animals and as such we desire it at times.

I hope that answers your question. Again, apologies if it doesn't, your question might have been just a little too complex for me to grasp if it didn't.

Thank you Southern Discomfort,

I think I wrote that post too quickly - but the emotion behind it was genuine, and I think you've unscrambled it really well.
It's right what you say, just because I go out of range of others doesn't mean I'm not still involved. I have a friend who is deaf and she asked me to name as many deaf soap opera characters as I could, or as many film stars? I couldn't name any. She was explaining that the mainstream media shuts the door on many minorities.

Now and then I feel depressed, but because I write stories I go to some far away place or time, or else I paint and
escape into paintings just as easily. My mother has the shadow syndrome, or the edge of the autistic spectrum where she has some of the traits. I helped her to write her memoir, which was partly about her being a friendless child and partly about her having TB. My life is generally about collaborations I would say, collaborations with people on projects that might last about 6 months. I have my own projects alongside.

When I wrote the post it was my first post here when I should have introduced myself first. I do feel a lot better now and thank you for your response and concern. It's important to just tell the world all about it sometimes, it's a healthy thing to do.

- Cloudyday.

 

[Catlover614]

I think I understand what you're saying, apologies if I don't.

I compare myself to other people a lot too. It's taken me a while to accept that I do have Asperger's, I think I'm about there now. But I would compare myself to my peers from college all the time, what they're doing with their lives. This would cause me to feel depressed because I just feel like I can't help myself and that I'm completely useless. So I understand this feeling you have, it feels like you just can't help but do it. I think it interesting that you find yourself anxious over it and not so much as depressed.

To answer your question, I think that just because you can't do socialising doesn't mean you wouldn't want to be part of it, you can see that having an enjoyable time and you want to be part of it, that's quite natural. I think it doesn't matter if you have autism or not, we are social animals and as such we desire it at times.

I hope that answers your question. Again, apologies if it doesn't, your question might have been just a little too complex for me to grasp if it didn't.

Southern Discomfort you are NOT useless, my friend. You are very helpful and useful! Virtual hugs for you.

 

[Judge]

It's a 'dark side of the moon question' because without having any information I feel that a comparison is pointless. If the comparison is pointless then why I am getting anxious about a comparison at all?

Good analogy- "dark side of the moon question." With what I call the "neurological divide", no it's essentially impossible to be able to get into the mindset of another human being especially if they are neurologically different. We are all stuck with the one in our own heads and none other.

However you may be compelled to assess data in an attempt to determine patterns of behavior so you can make some kind of conclusion from it. A compulsion- and skill that strikes me as an autistic trait. That's a good thing, IMO.

Of course there's also something else driving this. The alienation and frustration of belonging to a two percent social minority. When you belong to the 98% percentile group, no one much stands out. A dynamic we on the spectrum do not have. We either behave for who and what we are and stand out, or mask ourselves to fit in to a point where we can at least avoid ridicule.

No, it's NOT an easy existence for the two percent of US. You aren't alone in how you perceive it all.

 

[Cloudyday]

It's highly likely that we hear, see and perceive of other's lives and influences through books, movies, television and simple observation and interaction of one sort or another. From a quite early age we interpret those around us and form ideas through these interactions. In doing so we also internalize the ideas or perceptions of others along the way. Picking one's way through this minefield of influences and deciding to accept or reject some ideas is perhaps a way to discover acceptance.

Rethinking as well as re-accessing one's personal triumphs and choices from another perspective as they relate to self-awareness is another. Yet it is the changing and reinterpretation of ones frame of reference that benefits the most. In doing so we form a broader view of our ourselves.

Several years ago I decided to revisit acquaintances and friends from school. People who I admired and had interesting conversations with, who I thought had all the answers to life's questions and seemed so certain about their lives and direction. Yet I discovered that their certainty was a function of youthful arrogance, without experience of the world. Few had achieved what they desired, almost all lived regular lives. It gave me more of a perspective of the human condition. I returned from this trip with a different perspective of myself and others.

Think that the road not taken is often on our minds, although it's more a puzzle of the unknown rather than a lost opportunity or a discussion of fate or predestination. It has so much to do with our sense of who we are and our very human limitations.

Hi Mia,

Your description of the process of learning is very clear and interesting. It is also very true how we assume so much about other people: the happy and socially successful student at school has a journey of their own that will never be as simple as we might think.

When I was thirteen I was drawing and writing poems and stories and now I am 54 and I am painting, drawing and writing poems and stories and I suppose it does seem like I've lived life with the handbrake on. But like you say the stories have evolved, the paintings evolved and I have evolved too.

Today I have been decluttering my kitchen studio and making ready for new work. It is funny how a chain of events can begin that starts in some small way and then becomes a whole series of things. It's maybe like you say about things having to start within our human limitations. The poet Pablo Neruda said that a poem should come through the soles of the feet, through the heart and down the arms and onto the page.

Thank you for your positive response, Mia. I might be absent for a while if the paintings get up some speed - such is the way of things.

Cloudyday.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I have a friend who is deaf and she asked me to name as many deaf soap opera characters as I could, or as many film stars?

I do know that Beethoven was deaf. He did do one opera so I suppose he counts.

Now and then I feel depressed, but because I write stories I go to some far away place or time, or else I paint and escape into paintings just as easily.

Yes, I can tell from your the linguistics of your posts that you partake in writing. I wish I was that good.

 

[Mia]

I proclaim you
road,
not shroud,
a pristine
ladder
with treads
of air,
a suit lovingly
renewed
through springtimes
around the world.
Now,
time, I roll you up,
I deposit you in my
bait box
and I am off to fish
with your long line
the fishes of the dawn!

From: Ode to Age, Neruda

 

[Cloudyday]

Good analogy- "dark side of the moon question." With what I call the "neurological divide", no it's essentially impossible to be able to get into the mindset of another human being especially if they are neurologically different. We are all stuck with the one in our own heads and none other.

However you may be compelled to assess data in an attempt to determine patterns of behavior so you can make some kind of conclusion from it. A compulsion- and skill that strikes me as an autistic trait. That's a good thing, IMO.

Of course there's also something else driving this. The alienation and frustration of belonging to a two percent social minority. When you belong to the 98% percentile group, no one much stands out. A dynamic we on the spectrum do not have. We either behave for who and what we are and stand out, or mask ourselves to fit in to a point where we can at least avoid ridicule.

No, it's NOT an easy existence for the two percent of US. You aren't alone in how you perceive it all.

Hi Judge,

That's a much clearer way of saying it than I managed. And you're right, a majority must always be uniform and seemingly featureless. It is better to see AS as a lens and not as a barrier. As you say we are each in our own heads, or 'shipwrecked here' as one philosopher put it.

I often wonder about a reversed world, where NT's were the tiny minority and the spectrum was the majority. Would we have as many wars? We would probably be more technological - much more I would say. Then of course the NT's would face an indifferent population and as you say perhaps resort to veiling their behaviour in order to avoid discrimination or instead become conspicuous.

I think you are right that I will never properly know what I am missing. All I can do is do the best I can with the perspective I have. I think some of my middle years stories had been attempts to bridge a gap but they just confused everybody, even myself. These days I try to write mysteries, because a mystery is a mystery after all, although getting published isn't happening quickly but I'll never give up.

I think that as a tiny percentage of the world we are probably exceeding expectations. Occasionally I dwell on the past and it does seem like a snakes & ladders board with too many snakes.

Thanks Judge. Best of luck to us all.

- Cloudyday.

 

[tree]

Cloudyday
"I have a friend who is deaf and she asked me to name as many
deaf soap opera characters as I could, or as many film stars?
I couldn't name any."

Marlee Matlin was who came to my mind.
So, then I looked around:

http://representationofdeafinfilm.weebly.com/deaf-characters-in-television.html
https://www.earq.com/blog/seven-television-film-characters-from-different-perspective
http://www.firsttvdrama.com/disabilities/deaf.php3
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Deaf_actors

 

[Cloudyday]

I do know that Beethoven was deaf. He did do one opera so I suppose he counts.



Yes, I can tell from your the linguistics of your posts that you partake in writing. I wish I was that good.

I couldn't spell words at school and I was a completely baffled by spelling until I was twenty. I think writing poems helped me because there are less words. I'm not sure I use words in a strict way though, I think I use the rhythm or the beat and I put the words in the mix. Then when I was 24 I joined a poetry group (because the photocopier was invented and people could finally share typed or scribbled words with lots of people in a few minutes). The man who taught us asked us all to write riddles (like in The Hobbit). He said language is a riddle and the idea is to keep the reader guessing what you are going on about for as long as possible. He was right I think.
If mathematics is the beauty of the simplest path through the mind, then maybe literature or writing or language arts, or whatever people call it, is not knowing exactly where we are being taken for pages and pages and pages. I still get ripped to shreds when I send samples of stories to agents though. Publication could take a while.

- Cloudyday.

 

[Cloudyday]

Cloudyday
"I have a friend who is deaf and she asked me to name as many
deaf soap opera characters as I could, or as many film stars?
I couldn't name any."

Marlee Matlin was who came to my mind.
So, then I looked around:

http://representationofdeafinfilm.weebly.com/deaf-characters-in-television.html
https://www.earq.com/blog/seven-television-film-characters-from-different-perspective
http://www.firsttvdrama.com/disabilities/deaf.php3
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Deaf_actors

Wow, thank you, Tree. I will copy and paste these and email them to my friend, Nat.
Nat is hard of hearing but with 10% hearing in one ear. She paints landscapes
and photographs landscapes but doesn't sell or show very often. Nat's favourite artist
is Frida Khalo, the Mexican painter, who wasn't deaf but was a great survivor after
injury and disability.

Thank you again, Tree. I will pass those links o

I proclaim you
road,
not shroud,
a pristine
ladder
with treads
of air,
a suit lovingly
renewed
through springtimes
around the world.
Now,
time, I roll you up,
I deposit you in my
bait box
and I am off to fish
with your long line
the fishes of the dawn!

From: Ode to Age, Neruda

Thank you Mia,

Neruda was such a voice. I first bought Isla Negra, his autobiography
in poems. Then later a man who ran a writers' workshop spoke Spanish
and showed me more of Neruda's work. I sometimes think of Neruda's
poems like the long drip of water that runs down a window in rain. His
poems seems to sparkle and begin out of themselves again and again and
yet he never uses huge complicated words. I am not a natural writer
because I was hopeless as a child, whereas Neruda has that way to write
like he has known you all your life or that you are sharing a beer and sitting on
an old bench beside a long and hot and dusty road.

- Cloudyday.