'Coming out' to others - Their Responses

[JuniperBug]

Sorry if I'm digging up an old topic!

I'm considering the topic of who should I tell bout my Aspergers and who should I hide it from. I don't have many friends and the people I'm closest to are those I work with. It feels weird to have this secret, especially because I feel that it explains so much about me. But I always trust too much too soon and it's really hard to pinpoint who to share this information with, especially at work, where I don't really want my boss getting wind.

After I received my diagnosis last month I've told 5 people.

My parents were dismissive and insisted they 'probably had it too' they were unwilling to learn more.
My good friend back in the US thought it didn't fit at first but was ultimately accepting and acted as if nothing had changed.
My closest friend here (at work) was a bit dismissive in a hippie sort of 'everyone has their own issues and journey' thing.
My partner was fully supportive and even happy for the clarity - the best possible recipient

Do you find that, upon telling friends, anything changes? Does your relationship get stronger or weirder? Do you feel relieved to have told? What responses have you received? Have you ever regretted telling anyone?

Thanks for reading and answering!

 

[CloudRomy]

I've just seen your post which is similar to the thread I just started about a negative experience of disclosure. I can completely relate to trusting too soon and especially hoping that a particular person will understand. However, I have been fortunate with the other people I have told although there are not that many of them. I was only officially diagnosed last month too and am proceeding with caution. It is very difficult as at the same time I want to accept that this is who I am and not be constantly needing to pretend.

 

[Warmheart]

Perhaps it's important to remember that responses we get to disclosure are honestly how others feel when hearing this. At that moment, in all fairness, it actually is about them and how they feel. Our diagnosis, when shared, is no longer all about us, but how the other person feels hearing it.

If I must share, I try to have patience and understanding that the other party is simply feeling how they feel as the news impacts them personally. My role then is to simply answer any questions they may ask, and be supportive of whatever/however their response may be.

 

[Kari Suttle]

My parents were the first to know because they were the ones who actually suggested it. When she was little my younger sister used to do cheerleading and one of the girls on her team was an aspie. My mom was talking with her mom and my mom just had all these red flags going up in her head; the girl reminded her a lot of me growing up with some of the same issues. So we talked and researched and i've decided to remain self-diagnosed for now. There's too much **** going on with the DSM-5 that i don't feel comfortable going, so sure of myself, only to be at the mercy of a DSM whose creators can't figure out what causes autism let alone what constitutes autism.

The only one outside my parents and siblings i've told is my former best friend - she was very dismissive. Outright said that everyone has issues like that to a point, and that she didn't think i had it. That was the opposite response i was expecting. She's always been the most understanding person ever. We started growing apart around that time, and for me her being so dissmissive of something that was so important to me just accelerated that growing apart.

Other than that, my supervisors at work might be suspicious by now since a coworker of mine is (i'm fairly sure) a diagnosed aspie that told the supervisors when he got hired that he's aspie. I heard them talking once and although they didn't say it, what they did say screamed aspie as well as his general everyday behavior.

Two or three of my supervisors are very good about managing me, which speaks more to them being good supervisors than anything else since i haven't breathed a word of this to them. One of them especially, she's approachable and explains things clearly and she re-explains herself without my prompting her when needed. Another, when i first got hired before we even knew i'm probably aspie, accomodated me on her own by noticing that i had issues mentally processing orders given while i was checking out a customer. I could even echo what they said, but i'd forget what they told me to do as soon as i turned back to my customer not out of 'not listening' like my mom always assumed as a child but because i simply didn't have the time or mental ability (too chaotic work environment) to process it. She would turn off my register's light and tell me to come find her when i'm through with the line of customers, and then give me my new register assignment. Although i must have been laborious for her, it worked great for me and eventually i was able to learn how to focus better and they don't really need to do that for me anymore. At most i just need to repeat the orders back to them - both for their sake and mine - and that's it. That's one reason i've never quit my job - as chaotic as it is, especially for an aspie like me, i like the supervisors and the job itself is challenging in a good way.

 

[Judge]

Simplest course of action. Keep it on a "need-to-know" basis only. And be very scrupulous about who you deem truly needs to know. Otherwise each admission no matter how close someone may be to you could turn out to be quite a gamble.

 

[Slithytoves]

I decided from the start that I would be completely open about my Asperger's. I don't just wear it on my sleeve to all and sundry, but I've told everyone who matters and will tell others in my life as natural openings present themselves.

I have yet to regret any disclosure. My family was immediately accepting, supportive and curious. My mother and sisters even took the RAADS-R for fun, just to see how their scores compared with mine. My friends took the news in the same spirit. All a few individuals needed was the explanation that extrovert Aspies like me don't always fit the stereotype and everyone embraced my diagnosis. I wouldn't say my relationships have changed at all for my news, and that's just how I wanted it. The only exception would be my mother; my relationship with her is stronger for my revelation. She had always been frustrated by my apparent resistance to conformity, so when she learned there was a reason behind it beyond just willful rebellion, it made her cry with relief.

The way I see it, if anybody has a problem with me being an Aspie they're buying a ticket out of my universe. That approach is definitely not for everybody, but at my age I'm getting to the point where I really don't care what other people think about me!

 

[Progster]

I'm very cautious about disclosing my diagnosis and only tell people on a need to know basis. People can be accepting and understanding, or they can be judgemental and prejudiced, you never know how they are going to react.

The first person I told was my mum, when I first realised I may have it. I asked her "Do you think I may have Asperger's?" She didn't know what it was, but went and did some research. Then she said "Yes, I think you do have it. I'm sorry, we should have looked into it further when you were younger."

My sister: "Don't worry, I don't think you have Asperger's. You're nothing like the son of my friend who has it" (but I she had told my mum that she also thought I had it).

Work colleague: "It's good that you know what's wrong, then you can get help."

My husband: "It's ok." and "It's not you who has the problem, it's the rest of the world that has the problem"

My mum told 3 more people that I know of (without my permission) and I don't know what their reaction was. My mum just told me that they said to let them know if I needed help.

My older brother was neutral about it. He apologised for teasing me when I was younger, which I respect him for, not because of the apology itself, but because of the recognition of my difficulties, I felt I had been validated in some way.

 

[JDartistic]

I've learned the hard way not to disclose, but the problem is that when I meet someone, I want them to know me for whom I am, so it feels wrong not to say something. Yikes, it's a catch-22, but everyone has the same response with me: they simply don't believe it. I then end up getting on the defensive and try to make them "see" it. I want to tell people, BTW, b/c I lose friends over my behavior. It never fails -- I have good friendships for a while, but then I do something strange, and they run for the hills. With me, I can carry on socially for quite a while without showing my autism, but when I get overwhelmed -- well, I can't stop Mutism or some of my uglier traits, like screaming and such (you guys understand). Anyway, I've lost so many friends/lovers, so I thought, OKAY, I'LL JUST TELL THEM UPFRONT AND WHEN MY BEHAVIOR SHOWS, THEY WON'T LEAVE ME. Well, needless to say, now they just leave without giving me a chance. Yuck!

BUT I will say this, b/c I really do try socially and force myself out a lot -- MY NEW TREND IS TO GO OUT ALONE TO SOCIAL VENUES, like Jazz clubs, and then I just sit at the bar and chat people up! That way, I can be social, but since I don't know anyone, I'm totally protected. If I do act strange, I'll never see them again, so it's okay...and more so, I like these light social encounters. You get to meet a lot of different people. It's something I force myself to do, b/c otherwise, I isolate and would never leave my house, and that's not good either, so that's my compromise. No disclosure needed, but at least you still get to hang out with others sometimes.

 

[JuniperBug]

The only one outside my parents and siblings i've told is my former best friend - she was very dismissive. Outright said that everyone has issues like that to a point, and that she didn't think i had it. That was the opposite response i was expecting. She's always been the most understanding person ever. We started growing apart around that time, and for me her being so dissmissive of something that was so important to me just accelerated that growing apart.

Wow that's exactly how my work friend reacted.

I think people who give this response are trying tone sympathetic and helpful. Like, "there there we all have troubles."

And I appreciate where that comes from, and I don't want to suggest that my aspergers is somehow superior to anyone else's personal struggles.

But It FEELS so dismissive and petty. I didn't lose my car keys, I discovered that I have a mental issue that explains nearly everything i have ever questioned about myself. This is my life, part of my identity, my troubles and strengths.

I don't know what response I expected from her but i guess you just expect a big response to a such an important thing.

I do agree that it's important to try and understand their perspective.

Maybe they don't understand the importance or just don't know what to say. Maybe I could come out "better" to help them understand how I feel and what indeed.

 

[epath13]

People whom I didn't know prior diagnosis just took at as is, sort of like, "so she has it, ok". Some specialists were fascinated how "typical" I am and how well I'm dealing with symptoms. I didn't quite have the same reaction from people I knew prior the diagnosis. Some people said that I was imagining stuff, some said they may have the same symptom, some preferred to ignore it. I felt discriminated against all my life, I felt I had to hide who I was on many different levels. Sometimes I felt I wasn't even sure who I was any more. After finally becoming fully content with who I was, I wished people, who at some point were close to me, would share my excitement and sense of relief, but I was wrong. Sometimes I still hear that it would be better if I didn't talk or focus too much on my differences; that I look completely normal and I should focus on being normal instead of bringing attention to my "issues". I am proud of who I am, I have accepted myself regardless of the causes long time ago, but it was always in the back my mind: people in my environment would never accept me fully. So I feel conflicted, I wish some people could understand my struggle, but in the end, the only thing I can do is to accept their lack of or limited acceptance.

 

[Karunamitra]

Sorry if I'm digging up an old topic!

I'm considering the topic of who should I tell bout my Aspergers and who should I hide it from. I don't have many friends and the people I'm closest to are those I work with. It feels weird to have this secret, especially because I feel that it explains so much about me. But I always trust too much too soon and it's really hard to pinpoint who to share this information with, especially at work, where I don't really want my boss getting wind.

After I received my diagnosis last month I've told 5 people.

My parents were dismissive and insisted they 'probably had it too' they were unwilling to learn more.
My good friend back in the US thought it didn't fit at first but was ultimately accepting and acted as if nothing had changed.
My closest friend here (at work) was a bit dismissive in a hippie sort of 'everyone has their own issues and journey' thing.
My partner was fully supportive and even happy for the clarity - the best possible recipient

Do you find that, upon telling friends, anything changes? Does your relationship get stronger or weirder? Do you feel relieved to have told? What responses have you received? Have you ever regretted telling anyone?

Thanks for reading and answering!

I am 63 and only had my diagnosis last year. So many people are dismissive I tend to now only tell people I really trust. It has helped me understand my neuroses and given me a lot of comfort to understand why I am so eccentric.

 

[Maitri]

I'm curious to know - those of you who have disclosed, how did you want people to react? What would have been their ideal reaction for you?

"My sister: "Don't worry, I don't think you have Asperger's. You're nothing like the son of my friend who has it""

That's almost word-for-word what my sister said She was quite surprised when my diagnosis came through.

I'm open about my Asperger's just because I don't think it's something that I need to hide. I've only been officially diagnosed for a few months though - I didn't disclose when I was self-diagnosed. My mom found out through my sister (my mom and I are estranged; I think my mom is an Aspie too, personally) and she denied it. Whatever, lady. At work, people have been accepting for the most part.

 

[Dusty285]

I self-diagnosed with the available online tests. Neighbors, other acquaintances, after I told them I was an Aspie have all quietly become unapproachable.

 

[ezcare]

Sorry if I'm digging up an old topic!

I'm considering the topic of who should I tell bout my Aspergers and who should I hide it from. I don't have many friends and the people I'm closest to are those I work with. It feels weird to have this secret, especially because I feel that it explains so much about me. But I always trust too much too soon and it's really hard to pinpoint who to share this information with, especially at work, where I don't really want my boss getting wind.

After I received my diagnosis last month I've told 5 people.

My parents were dismissive and insisted they 'probably had it too' they were unwilling to learn more.
My good friend back in the US thought it didn't fit at first but was ultimately accepting and acted as if nothing had changed.
My closest friend here (at work) was a bit dismissive in a hippie sort of 'everyone has their own issues and journey' thing.
My partner was fully supportive and even happy for the clarity - the best possible recipient

Do you find that, upon telling friends, anything changes? Does your relationship get stronger or weirder? Do you feel relieved to have told? What responses have you received? Have you ever regretted telling anyone?

Thanks for reading and answering!

I did not get a formal diagnosis until I was in my 60's. I shared it only with my wife and some Aspie friends I had made via social media. My wife refused to accept it and claimed I was "too social" to have ASD. This despite the fact that she was with me when the therapist gave us the diagnosis. However the therapist also pointed out that I had apparently overcome most of the negative affects because many of the markers were "latent" and would not be noticeable even to a therapist who had not been trained in diagnostic tools for Autism. My conclusion was to share this info only with fellow Aspies as means to help each other find more effective ways to deal with our idiosyncrasies. I also learned never to share it with "label readers" who associate ASD with some kind of mental illness that, in past times, would have landed us in an Institution. Labels are like guns. They can be lethal in the wrong hands.

 

[ezcare]

I self-diagnosed with the available online tests. Neighbors, other acquaintances, after I told them I was an Aspie have all quietly become unapproachable.

This, even though you are obviously the same person you were before you told them!
That is why it is best to use this info only for self-improvement and acceptance--not to seek approval from others who fear anyone or anything they don't understand. Recommend you get a formal diagnosis. You could have misinterpreted the results since many of the markers are also present to some degree in NT folks. But if formal diagnosis supports your conclusion, then seek out new friends in the Aspie community (like this site) who can help you overcome the negative aspects of ASD. I have learned many coping and self-improvement strategies that have given me a new lease on my life. (You may also discover that many ASD defects can become desirable assets in a work or social environment that requires deep concentration, attention to detail, and a world view that transcends the parochial views held by most NTs ;-)

 

[Dusty285]

For ezcare: I have confidence in my self-diagnosis. I took the tests twice about 4 months apart and got substantially identical results. I do not want to publish the graphs or numbers. Then: I am a seriously senior citizen. Asperger was doing his work and beginning to publish his results when I was in grade school. Along my way in life as educators and others became aware of HFA they hinted at it to me because of my traits; I did not actually become aware of "Aspie" until the summer of 2012. Then I began to recognize, realize, remember-- and it all fitted together.

It would be interesting to me to find some Aspies here in The Republic Of North Texas to see if some direct friendships could be possible. That might be worthwhile to all concerned? Age is always a factor. Are there any Aspies/HFA's here in The Republic who are well past "Full Retirement Age" who might like to meet for lunch sometime at a major restaurant on an informal basis? Preferably several of us at the same time. PM's?

 

[Dusty285]

I want to keep my FaceBook account down to immediate scattered family. I do not "Like" or "friend" anyone else. Except.

Jalopnik got in there somehow and I read much of it. There is a diet group within FaceBook that I joined (One Pound At A Time With Erin). I just "liked" the FaceBook Page/Account associated with this forum. A general sort of message might be posted on the AspiesCentral FaceBook page for items of local interest to members of this forum?

My Twitter account is used for keeping track of some world news and of the stock markets. I do not "Tweet" or wish to receive personal messages in Twitter. Such messages would be lost for me, anyway, among the several hundred accounts I Follow; and I only read/scan messages and read linked articles a few hours each week.

 

[epath13]

I'm curious to know - those of you who have disclosed, how did you want people to react? What would have been their ideal reaction for you?

"My sister: "Don't worry, I don't think you have Asperger's. You're nothing like the son of my friend who has it""

That's almost word-for-word what my sister said She was quite surprised when my diagnosis came through.

I'm open about my Asperger's just because I don't think it's something that I need to hide. I've only been officially diagnosed for a few months though - I didn't disclose when I was self-diagnosed. My mom found out through my sister (my mom and I are estranged; I think my mom is an Aspie too, personally) and she denied it. Whatever, lady. At work, people have been accepting for the most part.

I expected people to react the way they did, but I still hoped the reactions would be different.

 

[Tia Maria]

This is a very informative post for me & I will have to come back & finish reading later. A quick comment, most people have little to no idea what a diagnosis of Aspergeres really means, never mind how individual it also is .... so many are responding from a place of either knowing nothing or very little, or from a place of 'a little knowledge is dangerous' meaning they may have assumptions or heard bits of information that may not be applicable to you. Just a thought to keep in mind. Btw, I am a NEW MEMBER here & am already learning that although I think I know more about Auties & Aspies than the average person, I still know nothing! I think most people would greatly benefit from more education on the subject, & an open mind (& heart).

 

[wyverary]

My former Store Manager was incredibly understanding and did her best to make sure I could to the best job I could that would provide the best contribution to the work environment.

Most of my co-workers know. One of them I get along great with and she also knows about my other mental illnesses. Another I told when she said that she was looking for a book for her four-year-old niece with Aspergers; she accepted it.

My friends all know; I would consider it a disservice to them if I DIDN'T tell them about it. They are all understanding and accepting of it, which means they are keepers. Told one of my best friends about it and she encouraged me to find an online forum (which is how I wound up here).

I'm open about it, as I am open about all of my struggles with mental illness (I call them "my Mentals"). I used to keep it close to my chest, but after realizing just how awful the stigma is surrounding anything brain-related, I decided it was time to fight it. That said, I do like to get to know someone at least a little bit before disclosing all of this, so that they have a harder time making an immediate judgement of me.