authenticity vs invisibility... invisibility wins

[DogwoodTree]

I'm tired of being the person no one wants to be around.

I'm tired of being the person where "Be authentic" and "Just be yourself" is bad advice.

I'm tired of being the person who ruins every potential friendship by my desire to be friends.

I'm tired of being the person whose kids are treated like weirdos because of my awkwardness, weirdness, and screwed-up-ness.

I'm tired of being such a burden to humanity...except that a true exit would be too destructive...so my goal is to be both present and invisible.

Invisibility is an art form. I'm very good at it. I've spent 4 years now trying to be more authentic with people, and screwed up dozens of relationships, and I'm done. I don't think people really mean it when they say they want people to be more authentic. A little more honest and humble, perhaps, but not truly open, not in a way that affects anyone else negatively. People don't want to be burdened with a person's reality if that reality is messy and stupid and awkward.

 

[Mia]

I don't think that you're a burden to humanity and being yourself can be an art in small doses with the right people, more so than invisibility. More a question of choosing I think, who to show yourself to and who will recognize you for who you are.

You seem an extremely intelligent individual Dogwood. From your posts and communication on this site. And there are a handful of people in my own life that I can say that about. Think that you're hurting right now, and there's probably little that I can say that will make any difference at all.

Yet when I get where you are, I find a great deal of comfort in taking care of myself. Doing things that I wouldn't normally do often make me feel better in the short term. Small things that please me, even silly things. And although I won't suggest anything concrete you would likely be able to come up with something. Self care is one of those critical areas that many women tend to neglect, taking care of everyone else but themselves. It's especially prevalent among individuals who were neglected at a young age. It might seem a simple suggestion, yet it's one that's greatly aided me.

 

[Suzanne]

I know that feeling, Dogwood. I am invisable too.

I watch others and how they seem to communicate and think: what the heck am I doing wrong? It seems people can just about say hello but honestly, I feel that I have an invisiable string, that is forcing them to focus on what I am saying!

I feel that I have this maker on my head that says: don't to near!

Be yourself etc, is just a very over used sentence that those uttering it, really do not know what it means!

 

[DogwoodTree]

being yourself can be an art in small doses with the right people

...eensy, teensy small doses apparently, but yes you're right.

More a question of choosing I think, who to show yourself to and who will recognize you for who you are.

Turns out, I'm really bad at that. Or maybe there just aren't many options, I don't know.

Yet when I get where you are, I find a great deal of comfort in taking care of myself. Doing things that I wouldn't normally do often make me feel better in the short term. Small things that please me, even silly things. And although I won't suggest anything concrete you would likely be able to come up with something. Self care is one of those critical areas that many women tend to neglect, taking care of everyone else but themselves. It's especially prevalent among individuals who were neglected at a young age. It might seem a simple suggestion, yet it's one that's greatly aided me.

You're right, of course. Self care is a good way out of the dark places, and it does help to manage the painful feelings and get through the immediate crisis.

It's hard to keep fighting through that, though, when I know the source of those feelings isn't changing. I still don't have friends who can handle me as myself (rather than as the facade I perform for them). Even when I do meet someone who says they can handle my being authentic, I don't really know how to do that, and when I try, it still drives people away. People don't realize what they're getting themselves into when they say, "Just be yourself."

We recently started going to a new church because I screwed up everything at the old church--people were treating my kids like weirdos because I was so weird, and when we went back to visit recently, people hardly even spoke to me. At the new church, I'm scared to connect with anyone. I don't want anyone to know how awkward and broken I am. I don't want to mess this up for my kids.

My therapist says it's okay to hold back for a while. He says it's important that I don't risk trying to engulf the first person at the new church who offers me friendship. But it seems like it's not fair to pretend to be "normal" as best I can manage it for the sake of drawing someone in, and then dropping this bombshell on them that I'm not at all how I appear to be. Seems like it's better just to keep my distance and not burden anyone with my screwed-up reality.

 

[WereBear]

Well, if I can be blunt: church might not be the best place to try this out. At least in my North American experience with Christianity, that is. Unitarians in the NE US are the most welcoming, and deep South Protestant churches possibly the worst.

Decorum and conformity are the goals of most in church. Have you tried approaching Quakers, or art crowds of some kind, or science fiction fans? In my experience, it would be hard to be too weird for them. All have treated me far better than I was treated in any church.

 

[Mia]

Think you should consider why you have a desire to confide in people about the things that have happened. I've not told anyone but my spouse and one other close friend who has a similar history. I've mentioned it here as well. But, there really is not anything others can do, as far as I know, don't think anyone except a therapist can help. After many years, a friend confided in me, and eventually I did the same. His response was shock and questions but at least I was able to talk about it without recriminations, he listened. His abuse was much worse, he shouldn't have been able to be as functional as he is but he's a really strong person. He's also an Aspie too, and maybe that helped the situation when we confided in one another.

Have you considered the 'closure or confrontation' letters? I wrote many and they eventually helped, didn't send them. Directly confronting even on paper is something of a postponed relief. You might consider writing them eventually if you haven't already.

 

[Judge]

Well, if I can be blunt: church might not be the best place to try this out.

Decorum and conformity are the goals of most in church. Have you tried approaching Quakers, or art crowds of some kind, or science fiction fans? In my experience, it would be hard to be too weird for them. All have treated me far better than I was treated in any church.

Indeed. In my own case I've come to grips with my autism in that most forms of fellowship are simply not for me. It doesn't make me evil or anti-social. It just means I recognize my own inherent limitations in how arduous interacting with large groups of people in close proximity can be for me. It's not a crime.

 

[Nitro]

My question about the church people is exactly what kind of Christians are they that they cannot accept you as another of their makers creations and let it ride. I see little value in them as people who cannot overlook you and drag your own flesh and blood into their petty agenda. Toxic.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Well, if I can be blunt: church might not be the best place to try this out. At least in my North American experience with Christianity, that is. Unitarians in the NE US are the most welcoming, and deep South Protestant churches possibly the worst.

Perhaps...but my beliefs and interests on the spirituality front are more similar to Christian churches than other groups (and spirituality is one of my topmost special interests). I have branched out to include Catholics, but I don't feel comfortable becoming Catholic, so I need to find a Protestant group for regular attendance.

Maybe I'm asking for the impossible.

Think you should consider why you have a desire to confide in people about the things that have happened.

It's not so much the abusive past that I feel the need to disclose. It's mainly the asperger's, and also current struggles dealing with a dysfunctional family. How can I explain my preference not to hug or make eye contact, or my odd body language, or my preference to listen most of the time instead of talking, or my intense interests, or my difficulty mingling, or my resistance to being in loud environments (like not wanting to volunteer to help with the kids' programs), except to explain asperger's? I can force myself to appear more normal, but it's exhausting and there's no sense of having been present with other people if I have to fake "normal" all the time. My more natural way of being with people is noticeably different and unusual.

But, there really is not anything others can do, as far as I know, don't think anyone except a therapist can help.

This is true. Took me a long time to come to this realization.

In my own case I've come to grips with my autism in that most forms of fellowship are simply not for me.

I'm trying really hard to accept this about myself. They look like they're having so much fun being together. I've wanted that for so, so long.

I guess this is really why I'm choosing invisibility instead of authenticity, which I guess is a form of authenticity. I don't belong in groups. I don't belong in regular friendships. I'm just not wired that way, no matter how desperately I want to be.

I feel like I'm missing out on something really important.

My question about the church people is exactly what kind of Christians are they that they cannot accept you as another of their makers creations and let it ride.

I'm not sure if it was their fault in not accepting me, or my fault in being too needy or withdrawn or argumentative or quiet or whatever.

I really have no idea whether I went too far in the stealth-mode direction to where people thought I didn't want to be friends, or too far in the attention-seeking direction where people thought I was too codependent and needy. I really don't know. Sometimes I felt I was too far one way, and other times, too far the other. I tried to adjust. I tried to read people's expectations of me. I studied people and relationships and reactions and everything else. But I still missed it.

Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe it was too much of a disconnect in personality types. Maybe they didn't like me--being a Christian doesn't mean you have to like everyone. "Accepting" and "liking" are two different things, and maybe I wanted the "liking" to the point where I couldn't just ride with the "accepting." They didn't kick me out; they just stopped talking to me. But maybe they thought that's what I wanted. And I ran out of ideas on how to communicate anything different.

 

[Judge]

I'm trying really hard to accept this about myself. They look like they're having so much fun being together. I've wanted that for so, so long.

Maybe you can have that fun like that to some extent. But with less people and in more relaxed circumstances than people ritually and obediently sharing dogma.

I'm apt to do better for the most part with small, intimate groups of people I'm familiar with. Maybe you can too.

 

[Nitro]

Perhaps...but my beliefs and interests on the spirituality front are more similar to Christian churches than other groups (and spirituality is one of my topmost special interests). I have branched out to include Catholics, but I don't feel comfortable becoming Catholic, so I need to find a Protestant group for regular attendance.

Maybe I'm asking for the impossible.



It's not so much the abusive past that I feel the need to disclose. It's mainly the asperger's, and also current struggles dealing with a dysfunctional family. How can I explain my preference not to hug or make eye contact, or my odd body language, or my preference to listen most of the time instead of talking, or my intense interests, or my difficulty mingling, or my resistance to being in loud environments (like not wanting to volunteer to help with the kids' programs), except to explain asperger's? I can force myself to appear more normal, but it's exhausting and there's no sense of having been present with other people if I have to fake "normal" all the time. My more natural way of being with people is noticeably different and unusual.



This is true. Took me a long time to come to this realization.



I'm trying really hard to accept this about myself. They look like they're having so much fun being together. I've wanted that for so, so long.

I guess this is really why I'm choosing invisibility instead of authenticity, which I guess is a form of authenticity. I don't belong in groups. I don't belong in regular friendships. I'm just not wired that way, no matter how desperately I want to be.

I feel like I'm missing out on something really important.



I'm not sure if it was their fault in not accepting me, or my fault in being too needy or withdrawn or argumentative or quiet or whatever.

I really have no idea whether I went too far in the stealth-mode direction to where people thought I didn't want to be friends, or too far in the attention-seeking direction where people thought I was too codependent and needy. I really don't know. Sometimes I felt I was too far one way, and other times, too far the other. I tried to adjust. I tried to read people's expectations of me. I studied people and relationships and reactions and everything else. But I still missed it.

Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe it was too much of a disconnect in personality types. Maybe they didn't like me--being a Christian doesn't mean you have to like everyone. "Accepting" and "liking" are two different things, and maybe I wanted the "liking" to the point where I couldn't just ride with the "accepting." They didn't kick me out; they just stopped talking to me. But maybe they thought that's what I wanted. And I ran out of ideas on how to communicate anything different.

Do you go to church for them or your spiritual beliefs?

 

[DogwoodTree]

But with less people and in more relaxed circumstances than people ritually and obediently sharing dogma.

I'm apt to do better for the most part with small, intimate groups of people I'm familiar with. Maybe you can too.

Yeah, I tried that, too. I attended one of the small groups for about 2 years. I went to the smaller gatherings when they had a guest speaker at someone's house. I've met one-on-one with three different people for about 3 years now, and one-on-two for about 6 months with a couple of people. Still didn't work.

The two women who still meet with me--I'm still doing a lot of acting/performing with them to "protect" them from the fullness of my weirdness, even though they've said it's okay for me to relax with them. But at times when I've tested that out just a little, the reaction has not usually been all that good, especially from one of those two (even though she's a really nice person--she just doesn't know how to handle such extreme differences).

But then again...maybe it's my own insecurities that are reading more negativity into people's reactions than what's really there. I don't know. I just don't know.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Do you go to church for them or your spiritual beliefs?

I go to church to pursue my spiritual beliefs. Or at least...I used to. Now at this new church, I pursue my spirituality on my own, and go to church to give my kids a social outlet.

 

[Judge]

Yeah, I tried that, too. I attended one of the small groups for about 2 years. I went to the smaller gatherings when they had a guest speaker at someone's house. I've met one-on-one with three different people for about 3 years now, and one-on-two for about 6 months with a couple of people. Still didn't work.

The two women who still meet with me--I'm still doing a lot of acting/performing with them to "protect" them from the fullness of my weirdness, even though they've said it's okay for me to relax with them. But at times when I've tested that out just a little, the reaction has not usually been all that good, especially from one of those two (even though she's a really nice person--she just doesn't know how to handle such extreme differences).

But then again...maybe it's my own insecurities that are reading more negativity into people's reactions than what's really there. I don't know. I just don't know.

You bring up a valid point. I do better with smaller groups of people I know well. But your response reminds me of how I didn't really ever let my guard down either. Maybe I can't...no matter how well I think I know someone or try to get along with them. Real trust with other humans doesn't come easy for me and never has as an adult.

Maybe it's our karma. I don't really know.

 

[Nitro]

I go to church to pursue my spiritual beliefs. Or at least...I used to. Now at this new church, I pursue my spirituality on my own, and go to church to give my kids a social outlet.

I can see church as an outlet for children's sake,but if it isn't working for you,maybe it is time to explore other options. My spirituality is not quite as structured as yours.My greater power has no special place for me to talk,it just happens as needed. My actual belief comes from inside of me,where it really counts

 

[DogwoodTree]

My greater power has no special place for me to talk,it just happens as needed. My actual belief comes from inside of me,where it really counts

Yes, this is true for me as well--I don't buy into much of the "structure" of worship or church gatherings. That's not really the reason I go to church. I pray and worship in one form or another all day long every day.

But I'm not satisfied with just talking to God. I want to explore spirituality in relationship with other people as well. They give me new ideas and perspectives to think about. They challenge my understanding of my own beliefs. They put a face and a voice to God that I can't get if I stay in my own head.

And maybe a lot of it just boils down to how lonely I feel inside, and wanting to feel connected to other people, and since spirituality is my primary special interest...it's the avenue through which I try to connect with others.

 

[The Penguin]

But it seems like it's not fair to pretend to be "normal"

Indeed it not not fair. I made new choice to be who I want to be and not care what people think to be normal. A few example with me.

1)I did a temp job listening to video game music on my phone. All co workers thought I was odd but didn't care less what they think.

2)I had doll wallpaper on my computer background. Co workers and family thought it was odd. I did confronted my family on this informing them I'm not concern what they think.

It not about what the person wants but what you want. It can be hard as most people is trying to fit in the norm to be accepted. To me, if a person can't accept who I'm, they not worth having around.

 

[Nitro]

Yes, this is true for me as well--I don't buy into much of the "structure" of worship or church gatherings. That's not really the reason I go to church. I pray and worship in one form or another all day long every day.

But I'm not satisfied with just talking to God. I want to explore spirituality in relationship with other people as well. They give me new ideas and perspectives to think about. They challenge my understanding of my own beliefs. They put a face and a voice to God that I can't get if I stay in my own head.

And maybe a lot of it just boils down to how lonely I feel inside, and wanting to feel connected to other people, and since spirituality is my primary special interest...it's the avenue through which I try to connect with others.

I understand you better now.You go to church for the other peoples input and cannot make the connections you seek.

 

[DogwoodTree]

You go to church for the other peoples input and cannot make the connections you seek.

Well put, yes.

To me, if a person can't accept who I'm, they not worth having around.

I'm glad you've found that courage. I wish I could.

Problem is, there are more factors here than my desire for friends. If I alienate the majority of people by coming across as too weird, then the tendency is for people to avoid my kids as well. If I can't warm up to other kids' parents, then my kids have a harder time building friendships with those kids.

Plus, I'm not sure I would be able to keep my job if this information gets too far. So in a way, this discussion is moot anyway. Even if I found people who fully accepted me and liked all my messiness, I'm not sure I could afford the risk to my job by making my AS public info.

 

[The Penguin]

Well put, yes.



I'm glad you've found that courage. I wish I could.

Problem is, there are more factors here than my desire for friends. If I alienate the majority of people by coming across as too weird, then the tendency is for people to avoid my kids as well. If I can't warm up to other kids' parents, then my kids have a harder time building friendships with those kids.

Plus, I'm not sure I would be able to keep my job if this information gets too far. So in a way, this discussion is moot anyway. Even if I found people who fully accepted me and liked all my messiness, I'm not sure I could afford the risk to my job by making my AS public info.

I would see your situation would be more difficult since you are raising a family. Despite I can't think of the right thing to help with your situation, I do hope you can figure out something one day to connect with people accept you for who you are, keep those good connection and then start caring less what others think. This way, those new good connections might lead to other good connections that will accept you for who you are.