Aspie + Aspie marriage...problems

[maddy]

Gosh, I don't even know where to begin. Literally, I don't know where to begin because of that alexithymia thing :unsure:

Generally speaking, I'm unhappy in my marriage. Today is a typical example of what I go through. This morning, my husband got up, took a shower, then fed my son breakfast (15 months). When I woke up, the house was in the 50's and my son was sitting there freezing. So it's like, my husband did something right by showering and taking care of our son, but it feels negated by him being oblivious to the temperature. Then, he left for work and took the garbage out to the street. Another point for hubby. However...by the time I got out the door to drop our son off at daycare, there was garbage all over the road and birds pecking at it because he didn't put the lid on the can. There I was picking up nasty chicken and diapers from the road in 22 degree weather. My son was late for daycare. (I work from home, so I can't really be late) The garbage incident triggered a negative thought cycle and I remembered one little annoyance after another that I tried to let go from the past week. I finally lost it and text him about the garbage can, which caused him to shut down. My response was to then shift my anger towards the fact that he can't have a discussion without shutting down, which I know doesn't help anything. This just caused him to become defensive and blame me for the fact that he can't live up to his responsibilities around the house. Now, he's on his way home from work, and I know that when he walks in the door, he's going to pretend like nothing happened, and it'll be right back to the beginning of the cycle.

He is in therapy, and he asked me to go see his therapist with him to discuss some of these issues. After 20 minutes his therapist told me that I should move out.

I then decided that I should start getting cognitive behavioral therapy to at least help me with my responses to things around me that I cannot control. It's not helping. The guy offered to do marriage counselling if my husband would go through the month long intake process, but he's not interested.

Our son has just started early intervention (yeah, he's probably on the spectrum too) and my husband has nothing to do with it what so ever. He has 3 different therapists and a service coordinator at this point, and it's likely just going to get more complicated as time goes by and new services are added. I'm overwhelmed, to say the least. My husband has no idea what is going on. I try to encourage him to read literature on it, but he's not interested, or something.

He commits to doing things around the house, does them for a short period of time, then just stops. Then I'll get upset, and he'll get all fired up and start doing them again, then stop again.

I'm trying to sell our house by owner right now, by myself, because we can't afford a Realtor - because he won't help me maintain it. He won't help me with that either. I had to hire someone to mow the lawn for him because I was doing that too. It's an acre of property, with a push mower.

I'm just at my wits end, and it's just the beginning. Our son isn't even two yet, and we've only been together for 2 years.

Gosh, is there any hope? I don't know what else I can do besides go to behavioral therapy for myself. I'm trying so hard, and I'm trying to delegate as much as I can to people that I can hire to help me, but we only have so much money to do that.

Just about the only thing that my husband does well is go to work and earn an income. I am grateful for that, but he made a commitment to being a husband, homeowner and a father in every area, not just financially. The weight is too much for me to bare alone.

I had a therapist once tell me that she believes that my husband also has dependent personality disorder. That's a factor here too. He follows me around the house asking permission to go to the bathroom, and eat, and basically everything. That alone is enough to drive me out of my mind.

Does anyone have any advice? Please don't tell me to get a divorce or move out. Thank you.

 

[Soup]

Hi There!

Reading through your post I can see where you would e frustrated with your husband. i can also see where he'd begin becoming resentful of you & feeling either nagged or parented.

"Just about the only thing that my husband does well is go to work and earn an income. I am grateful for that, but he made a commitment to being a husband, homeowner and a father in every area, not just financially. The weight is too much for me to bare alone. " -maddy

Those are 2 very important things that are nothing to down-play. That is more than many men Aspies or not are able to do on a steady & reliable basis. Just an idea...based on what you describe, he seems both willing & capable of doing things but he seems to become distracted easily & forget to do important things. He's highly distractable. Has he ever been screened for adult ADD? My younger brother has this & the two men sound similar.

A thing that may help is to post check-lists in some critical areas. That way, rather than having your voice reminding him to do things & then nagging him to do the stuff he forgot (making him feel harassed & possibly inadequate & not appreciated for all the things he DID do) he can tick stuff off on the list. My brother does this & I'm a list person as well not because of ADD but because I've got a lot to get done & it's easy to forget something. Get those yellow ruled post-it 4x5" type pads. Jot a few critical things down like turn heat on to ____ before leaving for work. As for the garbage, ditch the container with the lid & invest in one of those large green garbage bins with the attached-by-a-hinge lid. That way, forgetting to close the lid will become a non-issue: he has to lift the lid to insert the garbage bag & when he lets go & toddles off absent-mindedly, the lid will close itself.

Some of that dependency that is driving you nuts & would drive me nuts too may e also a confidence issue. He may have so many instances when he's fallen short of the goal & disappointed you swimming in his head that he just needs to hear you say YES to something & feel okay about doing it.

This kind of processing difference between the 2 of you won't be easy to resolve- but you know that already! Try minimizing the amount of extra stuff you have & the amount of extra stuff you have to do. When you move, for instance, get a place with much less lawn to mow. We replaced our lawn with clover: it remains low, requires infrequent mowing & watering only once in a blue moon if we have a long dry spell. My Aspie husband & I embraced minimalism & life became much less complicated.

 

[Mike_GX1]

Set the alarm earlier and get up before he does. Sorted - you get to set the temperature, put the garbage out and put the lid on and do things your way.

 

[RubenX]

@maddy

Hubby seems to have many issues I have as well. The temperature thing, tho I can't stand cold, I often set the thermostat to "Puerto Rican Hot" which kinda bake the locals and makes them mad. The lawn, meh... I'm always reminded that I should tend the thing more often. And this is a very small place. It just doesn't bothers me if the lawn is overgrown at times. It's been a problem at times where there is a HOA issuing fines. But if that's not the case, I always feel like nothing is gonna happen if I leave it overgrown and do it "when I feel like it". Which again, gets the locals mad. If I had an acre, I'll probably be obsessed with getting one of those big mower apparatuses that look like a go-kart. Should be helluva fun. But those cost money, I know.

@soup

Love your suggestions. I do the lists all the time, and labels too. I have a label on my front door: "Don't forget the pill"... and another one on my car's dash "I said, don't forget the pill". This greatly helps in avoiding calls from the school asking if I gave the kid his pill in the morning.

I have that kind of garbage bin too. God send.

I like the way you do things. Instead of changing behavior, you try to use workarounds to deal with the behaviors. Creating systems, routines, I just love it!

 

[maddy]

Thanks for responding. This isn't really a matter of doing things "my" way, it's about doing them in a functional way. Obviously a toddler cannot be in 50 degree temperatures and the garbage cannot be all over the street. That being said, I'm already overwhelmed with responsibility, and I'm trying to delegate tasks out, not take on more.

 

[Soup]

Thanks, Ruben! We come from very different backgrounds & although we're both Aspies & have similar tendencies when it comes to being hyper-organized, once you throw kids into the mix, all bets are off! We really needed to avoid chaos, extra stress & unnecessary fiddly stuff to do. We were trying to build & grow a business in a very competitive field & environment where many people are vying for the same client?le. The kids were in 2 different school boards so that meant different pedagogical days & school closing/school trip etc. days. One came home for lunch (typically with 2-3 giggling hungry friends) to make things more complicated. We had little choice: either we would have gone barking raving mad or we had to get rid of anything superfluous. We even ditched carpeting & area rugs in favour of wood floors because flying through the house with a dry Swiffer cloth beat the heck out of having to do the floors AND vacuum all those stupid carpets (& spot-clean them when the cat decided they made good toilets!!!).

We even dragged the kids into the scheme (they weren't happy about the regime change) IF they wanted to receive an allowance, 1 was in charge of rolling out the blue recycling bins & the other was in charge of rolling out the green garbage bin. They had to alternate lawn mowing duties (rare since we had clover) & they had to alternate snow shovelling in winter. There were other tasks they shared too. At first, we didn't have a dish washer (AAUUGGHH!) so one had to wash, the other had to dry. Skip a task? NO PROBLEM (except for being BROKE).

 

[maddy]

@maddy

Hubby seems to have many issues I have as well. The temperature thing, tho I can't stand cold, I often set the thermostat to "Puerto Rican Hot" which kinda bake the locals and makes them mad. The lawn, meh... I'm always reminded that I should tend the thing more often. And this is a very small place. It just doesn't bothers me if the lawn is overgrown at times. It's been a problem at times where there is a HOA issuing fines. But if that's not the case, I always feel like nothing is gonna happen if I leave it overgrown and do it "when I feel like it". Which again, gets the locals mad. If I had an acre, I'll probably be obsessed with getting one of those big mower apparatuses that look like a go-kart. Should be helluva fun. But those cost money, I know.

@soup

Love your suggestions. I do the lists all the time, and labels too. I have a label on my front door: "Don't forget the pill"... and another one on my car's dash "I said, don't forget the pill". This greatly helps in avoiding calls from the school asking if I gave the kid his pill in the morning.

I have that kind of garbage bin too. God send.

I like the way you do things. Instead of changing behavior, you try to use workarounds to deal with the behaviors. Creating systems, routines, I just love it!

Thanks for the response. I see that working around my husband's limitations is the solution, but I have yet to find a way to actually do that in a way that makes me feel like I can depend on him. Like I mentioned, I've tried all kinds of systems such as white boards, calendars, etc. Each of these have worked for a few day's then he just stopped noticing them. I will try the post it's though.

I get that he doesn't see the lawn as a priority, and being that I do, I've worked around his limitation and hired someone to mow it for me. I'm trying to afford a ride on mower, but yeah, they're expensive. I'll figure out a way to get one this spring though. What I really don't understand though is why he get's to just sit around and refuse to participate in improving our marriage. I spend countless hours trying to understand WHY he won't do the things that he won't do, and trying to work around them and be the best wife and mother that I can possibly be, but he just get's to sit there and choose to not care about WHY I do things the way that I do them, and why it's important for me to have the lawn mowed. I just don't understand how he can live with himself half the time.

 

[maddy]

Hi There!

Reading through your post I can see where you would e frustrated with your husband. i can also see where he'd begin becoming resentful of you & feeling either nagged or parented.

Thank's so much for responding. This is very practical advice, and I really do appreciate it. Believe me, the last thing that I want to do is nag my husband, but it's the only thing that has any affect on him at all. I've tried everything that I can think of including white boards, calendars, check lists, books, video's, a to-do book, schedules, automatic phone reminders, you name it - the only thing that helps (temporarily) is when I finally lose my mind and throw a fit. This happened last night. I threw a fit (more like had a melt-down), and wouldn't you know it, this morning was the first morning in weeks where things ran smoothly and I wasn't overwhelmed.

And you're right, the fact that he can go to work every day is huge. I try so hard to remind myself of that every day. But you know, even that makes me resent him because he gets to go sit alone in a quiet room at a desk all day and indulge in his special interests with no interruptions. I know that he loves his job, and he comes home refreshed and energized because he's doing something that he loves all day, whereas I run around town all day handling every other aspect of the lives of three people (three special needs people). Not to mention, I do run my own business on top of it all, and earn an income as well. Of course, my work get's pushed off until late at night, and even then my husband hovers over me waiting for me to finish so that I can attend to his next need. If that makes me snap (which it does), he'll go in a different room and spy on me through cracks or peer around corners. It's like having two toddlers instead of one.

I have yet to try post-it notes though, so I'll pick some up and give that a whirl. I'm not expecting different results than the other organizational aides that I've tried, but it's worth a shot.

My husband has never been screened for ADD. He's not even willing to go to the behavioral center for help managing his Aspergers, so I can't imagine him being willing to look into ADD. Of course, I wish that he would, and I've been encouraging him to make an appointment. He says that he will every time, but then blows it off. And to be honest, I'm getting really sick of trying to make him improve this situation when he so obviously has no interest in doing so.

I will buy one of those garbage cans that you suggested. I'm totally willing to jump on any practical solutions that are available to me.

And I know that you're right about the dependency being a confidence issue. He's even admit to that, and it does make perfect sense why that would be. I just have such a limitation when I'm so overwhelmed with responsibility. I barely eat, barely sleep, and I'm constantly running around to tackle my next task. Even still, I try so hard to try to come up with ways that I can push aside my anger and compliment him, when I really just want to ring his neck. I can honestly say that I do compliment him as often as I nag him, if not more. I'm fairly certain that he would agree with that too. I say things like "you know, hun, you really did a good job bringing that fire wood inside tonight, and I really appreciate you doing that". This has little effect on his behavior though.

And yeah, we have no extra stuff. If anything, we don't own enough stuff. Our house is completely empty. When we move, we're going to rent for a LONG time, until we can afford to pay landscapers to take care of our next property and hire a cleaning person. It doesn't look like we're moving any time soon though, the market is terrible. My husband was telling me the other day that he doesn't want to sell the house because it will be a "hassle". Honestly, I've met with countless potential buyers, realtors, handled the entire for sale by owner process, do all of the marketing, set up an attorney, etc. He has literally NO idea what's going on with any of that despite the fact that I asked him to complete very specific, simple tasks relating to it (which he blew off), so the only hassle that he could possibly be referring to would be signing where I show him to sign, and putting furniture into the truck.

He says that he cares, but if that were true, wouldn't he do something to try to improve this situation? I mean, I literally buy him books (and read them first) that I feel will help him to understand things better, and put them in his hands. You'd think he could at least read them. This guy has a masters degree, it wouldn't kill him to read ONE book about marriage or parenting.

Anyway, thanks again for the advice. It was a bit helpful and I do appreciate it.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

I can see you frustration too.

My husband gets frustrated at me because I'm not a clean person I guess is the best way to put it. I have read that asperger's people can either be hyper clean or hypo clean lol ... I didn't get the hyper end. Aspies can have problems with this in marriage especially if their partner has this expectation of them. I'm currently unemployed but I find it hard to clean. I don't really see it until it gets really bad. Its not that I like mess or what ever ... I just kind of don't notice it until it gets in the way. So makes it harder for me to keep the house clean. I know my husband gets frustrated with this and he often mentions getting a cleaner (we had one before but when I stopped work we had to suspend that because it was too expensive).

Just an idea ... but smart phones seem to be solving everyone's problems today. Maybe try a list thing with an alarm on a phone with a reminder sound perhaps?

Another way could be to have a reward. If you just have a list then I can see it failing. It will be easy to get distracted. Have a reward for your husband ... maybe something only you can provide ie his favourite meal at the end of the week etc. My husband's fave meal I cook him is mega unhealthy and its for special occasions as an example. Reward gives a reason to do something. A reason to stay on track. If the reward is something he can't easily get for himself, something you have to provide for instance, then he can't really cheat and go out and get it for himself. You can stand firm and say no reward until X is done.

The last thing is maybe you should sit down with your husband and ask him what he needs and explain to him what you need. It sounds to me you have expectations you aren't communicating to him. Asperger's people are often completely unaware of the situation unless it is spelled out to them. I know I can feel powerless if people don't communicate with me. I also have trouble expressing myself. My husband will know I'm upset over something and I can't put it into words so he gets upset for instance. Though I have learned to trust him more (this was early on in our relationship) so I don't have that problem, he accepts me blurted out dribble then helps me figure out what I'm trying to say.

I think you husband sounds possibly very depressed and he's probably struggling with the asperger's label. My dad is in denial about his aspergers. I was for about five years until I bit the bullet and got diagnosed. Its a massive ask to ask someone to take on this label. Your making someone take on a label that the rest of the world sees as meaning you are retarded. Asperger's is described as a form of autism by professionals (aspergers is often described as the mild form of autism) and when your average person thinks of autism they think of uncommunicative people who rock and flap their hands. Would you want to be lumped into a group like that? That I think is why my dad doesn't accept that he's got it. Its why I took so long to face up to it. People can be cruel and harsh and you are asking your husband to just accept this label and have people judge him on this. Even now I struggle with the label personally. I know how cruel the world can be to those who are just a tiny bit different (I practised paganism in high school ... imagine how I was treated in a Christian orientated school).

I think you should try spending a little time thinking about the world through his eyes. They say if we walk a little bit in someone else's shoes we understand. I'm not diminishing your emotions or feelings, I'm just asking you to look through his eyes for a short while. You said you buy him books on how to be a better parent or husband. If my husband got me one of those out of blue all I would be able to think about is how I'm failing at those jobs. That wouldn't make me very happy. I would probably be depressed. It makes me depressed when my husband talks about getting a cleaner because it makes me feel like he can't see what I do achieve in the house. My husband is just suggesting it because I can't get to all of it. He's not saying it to hurt me. but if we didn't have good communication I would probably still be in a big depression over it.

Don't tear down your husband's confidence .... it will just make it worse. If the best you can say is that he brings in a pay check ... how would you feel if that's all he could say about you?

 

[Ste11aeres]

The thing that bothers me is that the only things you criticize or praise about your husband are his functioning skills in regards to the chores of everyday life. His competence, etc. Those aren't the most important things in a marriage, or in any relationship. Lots of spouses are great at those things, and are emotionally completely disconnected from eachother. HOw does he treat you? Is he kind? Does he care about you and your son? In my opinion, those things are more essential.

Are you familiar with the book The Five Love Languages? I wonder if the concepts in this book tie into the real root of the pain you are feeling. This book is very helpful. It is about how different people have different ways of showing love, and different ways by which they feel loved. Couples run into problems when they communicate and recognize love in different ways.
The author, Gary Chapman distinguishes five "love languages": 1 Quality time spent together, 2 Words of affection, 3 physical touch, 4 gifts, 5 Acts of service (like taking the trash out) It sounds possible that you recognize love from acts of service, and try to give love through words. It sounds like neither of these are his predominant way of showing or of hearing love.

I know you mentioned that you already read books, and maybe you feel like one more won't help. But I think it would be a really really good idea to try this one.
Don't worry about whether he reads it. You might be happy even just by reading it yourself.