AS Syndrome has ruined my life

[donewithlyf]

hi as the title suggests AS Syndrome has completely ****ed my life big time. my social skills are low tier-**** which obviously means i'm lonely and i tend to spend a lot of time on the internet sulking to myself, i have literally zero skills which ****s my chances of getting a well paid job i tend to get confused a lot which also disqualifies me from a lot of good jobs. i'm 16 and i've left school, i've got a place in College but it's just another stupid ass special ed program and i don't see a point sticking to it anyway since it's clear i'm obviously destined to fail in life. i've also ****ed over a great deal of friendships with my closet friends who happened to be NTs and ugh, HOW THE **** DOES SOMEONE LIVE WITH THIS ******** CONDITION AND NOT GET THE URGE TO JUST SNAP AND BLOW THEIR ****ING BRAINS OUT? PLS HELP ME BECOS I'M AT THE END OF MY LIMITS AND I FEEL LIKE I'LL JUST SNAP AND KILL MYSELF AT ANY MOMENT

 

[ChavaB]

I'm so sorry you feel like this. Life is always worth living. Try to look for the goodness around you. Can you connect with others and maybe form a support group?
I'm so sorry you feel like this. :-(

 

[Ylva]

Sounds like more of a philosophy problem.

You are so close to being free from the people who treat you like ****. So close.

 

[Slothra]

I wish I could tell you how to make your peace with it without saying some cliche-sounding bullcrap. It sucks, I feel trapped too, no way around it. I guess you just gotta find something that makes you happy in spite of all that & just focus on that.

Alternatively, you could try learning the social skills, it's difficult but not impossible. I'm 25 and I still don't have a hang of it, but they're much improved from where I started.

 

[Judge]

HOW THE **** DOES SOMEONE LIVE WITH THIS ******** CONDITION AND NOT GET THE URGE TO JUST SNAP AND BLOW THEIR ****ING BRAINS OUT? PLS HELP ME BECOS I'M AT THE END OF MY LIMITS AND I FEEL LIKE I'LL JUST SNAP AND KILL MYSELF AT ANY MOMENT

Damn good question. In my own case, throw in OCD and chronic clinical depression.

I simply have learned to live one day at time. Literally. Contrary to popular belief, it's NOT a cliche. I try very hard not to think about much of anything beyond a 24 hour period of time. And you have to work at it to learn to do it all or most of the time.

Otherwise, when I "look over the horizon" it can often overwhelm me, and not in a good way.

 

[Slothra]

Damn good question. In my own case, throw in OCD and chronic clinical depression.

I simply have learned to live one day at time. Literally. Contrary to popular belief, it's NOT a cliche. I try very hard not to think about much of anything beyond a 24 hour period of time.

Otherwise, when I "look over the horizon" it can often overwhelm me, and not in a good way.

I know what you mean about living one day at a time, it's a good skill to have. Also, just being able to say to yourself that tomorrow will be a better day, and believe it, it makes life livable. I didn't mean to imply that any such advice would be unsound, but I prefer to offer more in-depth explanations, rather than rely on just stating the idea without any explanation as to how to do it. I know I can't really explain half the skills I have in a way that would sound reasonable to folks having a really difficult time :C

 

[Aspieistj]

I didn't learn that I was an Aspie until I was in my 60s and in some ways I am glad it took so long to be discovered. My life has been torture and I have always, and continue, to wish I had never been born. However, I had the responsibility of raising 2 young sons alone after I finally found the courage to get a divorce. No matter how much I wanted to die I knew it would not be good for my kids if I killed myself. I am glad I didn't hurt them that way. I wish I were dead constantly but I don't do anything about it because I know that my suicide would in some way make them uncomfortable. I have very explicit end of life decisions--I am a vehement DNR (do not resuscitate) and I make sure my kids know I will come back and haunt them if they don't follow my wishes. That is about all I can do without hurting someone else. I also have very beloved pets and honestly believe I am giving them the best home possible, so I hope to outlive them. I am 71 and my dog is maybe 3-4. My cats are 13 years old. I really want to outlive them and then probably the only thing I will want is to die. I am old now and will be even older if my pets live long lives. I will be very ready to let whatever disease gets me t that time kill me. As long as I am sentient I can refuse treatment. If not, I have very explicit advanced directives for the end of my life. I absolutely want to end my unhappiness but won't do it if suicide will, in any way, cause my sons pain and embarrassment.

 

[Mia]

my social skills are low tier-****

This is not the end of the world, social skills can be learned.

i have literally zero skills which ****s my chances of getting a well paid job and moving from Scotland to America and i tend to get confused a lot which also disqualifies me from a lot of good jobs.

Your sixteen years old, at your age all I knew about were things I read in books and how to fix my hair! Your skills will develop over time. Maybe consider your interests? And then think about what you want to do. Even if you don't know now, you might eventually. Your confusion will change, you need time to understand, and need to be given time for that. Once you know something I think its likely that you don't forget it.

i've got a place in College but it's just another stupid ass special ed program and i don't see a point sticking to it anyway since it's clear i'm obviously destined to fail in life.

Use that 'special' program' to learn other skills, you can change courses from one thing to another. Think of it as a jumping off point to developing another area of interest. Why would you say that you are destined to fail? Why would you think that? At sixteen your life is just beginning, there are so many things to do, and to see, and to learn.

friendships with my closet friends who happened to be NTs

When I was your age, pretty much all my friends were NT's, they were often nice or kind, but just as often nasty and cruel. We go though changes and we reconsider things, we change and our friends do as well. You seem to think this is all your fault, losing your friends, and it's not all your fault. It has to come from both sides for this to happen.

Everyone gets angry at things in their life, frustrated and upset. It's okay to be angry, and its okay to be sad. It goes away and you move on with more understanding. Snapping and blowing your own brains out does not solve any of your problems. It's a way to avoid dealing with your problems.

The fact that you are here looking for information means that you have hope and curiosity, welcome to the site.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

hi as the title suggests AS Syndrome has completely ****ed my life big time. my social skills are low tier-**** which obviously means i'm lonely ...i've got a place in College but it's just another stupid ass special ed program and i don't see a point sticking to it anyway since it's clear i'm obviously destined to fail in life. i've also ****ed over a great deal of friendships with my closet friends who happened to be NTs and ugh, HOW THE **** DOES SOMEONE LIVE WITH THIS ******** CONDITION AND NOT GET THE URGE TO JUST SNAP AND BLOW THEIR ****ING BRAINS OUT? PLS HELP ME BECOS I'M AT THE END OF MY LIMITS AND I FEEL LIKE I'LL JUST SNAP AND KILL MYSELF AT ANY MOMENT

OK. Have you screamed enough yet? (Said, and meant, kindly. You can't hear me if you're still screaming.)

Not sure you've screamed enough yet? Write down the whole, entire list of all things you're terrible at or have terribly done. Leave nothing out, including that thing you did when you were five that you don't tell anyone about. Every single mother-lovin' thing. If you can't fill at least three pages of college-ruled paper, you're not working hard enough.

Done yet? OK. Put it under your pillow. Yes, I mean that. Sleep on it.

Late-breaking research (I caught this on NPR last week) shows that people with "low" social skills are not actually low in social skills, but so overwhelmed by performance anxiety that they fail at simple things. When tested, the cognitive trick was to get them to focus not on the social skill but on an objective related to data or to a goal, not on their negative self-talk.



Results were statistically significant and proved that low social skills can be made a self-fulfilling prophecy simply by focusing on the wrong thing. Which is easy to do when all the little things go wrong, and wrong, and wrong.

This is why "classes" in social skills are utterly boring and don't necessarily help. You already have the skill. The problem is that you can't access it. You need to remember what you know under stress.

More about that later, if you engage with this thread again. Meanwhile:

1. Do the deep breathing thing. Yes, that. Really. Breathe into your diaphragm, hold it, breathe out, and then hold the outbreath. Specifically, do not inhale immediately. Space the breathing. It helps to count this to yourself (try a count of 4 to start). Depending on your physical condition, you should be able to do this for 5-20 min. before you feel the effects--usually, dizziness. Can you agree to do this?
   
2. Focus on your strengths, because you have them. I just flatly don't believe there isn't something you do well. Post a picture, or some media, or another piece of writing. Can you agree to do this?

Oh, by the way? I can't help you. Telling you stuff is just not all that useful.

The usefulness is in the doing.

Can you agree to doing?

Write us again. I'm expecting to hear about new failures and frailties. You have to discover yourself and accept that before the cycle stops. Sucks, I know. But AS is not a death sentence, it's a life sentence to coping with reality, and the real you. Who has, by your own admission, been completely failing at pretending to be someone else, and is reaping the miseries of life lived by lying about who you are and what you can do.

This can be fixed, but only by you.

Let's go.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

When I was 16 years old I was in much the same position as you. I had no social skills, ruined the few friendships I had, and utterly loathed life. I felt trapped and every day was just another day of misery with no prospect of hope. I wanted to die. I was seeing a psychologist for clinical depression and on SSRIs, but this didn't help me. But things got better. I dropped out of school and after a few months of doing nothing much started a vocational qualification in countryside management, and being outside, doing hard physical work that made an immediately visible difference, with a small group of people with similar interest, made me happy. Not immediately, but gradually over time I reached a point where I had enough hope to seriously work with my psychologist to get better. Life is good now.

The point of my self-centred ramble being: you are 16 (an age which is pretty **** for most people, what with raging hormones and standard teenage anger and angst, even without other aspie and mental health issues) and it is normal at your age to not really have any useful skills. They can be learnt. So can social skills. There is plenty of time to work out what you are good at and what you want to do with your life, and even if things are awful now it is possible for things to get better. Find something you enjoy doing and do it! Don't worry about getting a good job and moving or deciding on a career or any of that stuff yet, there is plenty of time.

Also, exercise, spending time in nature and productive work which shows tangible results have all been shown to raise mood and help combat mental health issues such and anxiety and depression.

 

[donewithlyf]

you people are very nice. i'm sorry if i haven't made a very good first impression of myself, i'm not out to bash on people on the spectrum i just had to let loose of my anger since my therapist normally doesn't work on the weekends. i understand there's only so much people can do to help me overcome my struggles as after all they are my problems to begin with but my anger got the better of me and i apologise for that. i'm just glad you guys didn't resort to ripping my guts out over a couple of irrational mistakes i made in my message like my NT friends would normally do since they don't have a very good understanding of the condition lol. i envy them so much, but thanks guys for the advice. really appreciate it mostly when it isn't all suger coated and crap.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

No worries there are plenty of people on here who can relate to how you are feeling, and even those who can't are generally friendly and supportive on this forum. Feel free to be as shouty and angry as you want, it's not a problem if you need to vent.

 

[AGXStarseed]

you people are very nice. i'm sorry if i haven't made a very good first impression of myself, i'm not out to bash on people on the spectrum i just had to let loose of my anger since my therapist normally doesn't work on the weekends. i understand there's only so much people can do to help me overcome my struggles as after all they are my problems to begin with but my anger got the better of me and i apologise for that. i'm just glad you guys didn't resort to ripping my guts out over a couple of irrational mistakes i made in my message like my NT friends would normally do since they don't have a very good understanding of the condition lol. i envy them so much, but thanks guys for the advice. really appreciate it mostly when it isn't all suger coated and crap.

That's what we Auties and Aspies do - we help each other in this crazy world we call home.

 

[Warmheart]

I totally relate to everything you've said. Your feelings are valid! They, like all feelings, are also visitors (temporary).

Your anger and fire shows strength. You have strength and kindness within you.
When your challenges are supported, you do better.
I believe in you.

If you apply your fire, strength, and determination to finding an ASD specialist, you can learn to better support your challenges. Don't be surprised if your future ASD specialist is in admiration of the gifts your condition has given you:
Phenomenal hyperfocus, strong sense of justice, impressive loyalty, the ability to find the needle before even seeing the haystack, remarkable talents and strengths others may miss.

I believe in you. (Yup, had to say this twice)

There are more possibilities in each moment than we can imagine.

 

[Aspieistj]

"Late-breaking research (I caught this on NPR last week) shows that people with "low" social skills are not actually low in social skills, but so overwhelmed by performance anxiety that they fail at simple things. When tested, the cognitive trick was to get them to focus not on the social skill but on an objective related to data or to a goal, not on their negative self-talk."

Wow! I am very interested in the neurological expression of being an Aspie. Information like this makes me very sad that my Aspienesss was diagnosed so late in life. I know Autistic children are often placed in therapy that includes role playing which may result in the Autie learning good coping skills in some situations. My hope for everyone on the spectrum is early diagnosis, early intervention and awareness of self, and educating the public to the fact that Autism is a handicap, should be accepted by NTs as such and with sensitivity, and allowing those on the spectrum to be treated fairly and kindly while urging them to accept themselves.

 

[grommet]

you people are very nice. i'm sorry if i haven't made a very good first impression of myself, i'm not out to bash on people on the spectrum i just had to let loose of my anger since my therapist normally doesn't work on the weekends. i understand there's only so much people can do to help me overcome my struggles as after all they are my problems to begin with but my anger got the better of me and i apologise for that. i'm just glad you guys didn't resort to ripping my guts out over a couple of irrational mistakes i made in my message like my NT friends would normally do since they don't have a very good understanding of the condition lol. i envy them so much, but thanks guys for the advice. really appreciate it mostly when it isn't all suger coated and crap.

It's like AGX said, we are here to help each other. This is a very nice place. I have asked questions that would have made people humiliate me if it were any other place. But no one here has been mean.

We understand. There are so many of us and we can help. I don't know answers I just hope you feel a little better.

 

[Dryope]

For me, these things helped with developing social skills:

-- Focusing on lowering my stress. My stress is constantly high and goes way higher than anyone else, suddenly and in response to what I intellectually consider to be fairly minor things (the phone ringing?!). I need to lower my stress the way other people need to go to the gym (though I have to do that, too, and no exercise doesn't necessarily help lower my stress all the time -- it's complicated). When my stress is down, I suddenly lose a lot of my performance anxiety and my brain temporarily forgets it's hard-wired for social anxiety.

-- Finding geeks like me who didn't mind me being an idiot in social situations. I got lucky here, but it's doable. Finding a group that meets weekly and is focused on a sciencey or fantasy thing can help here. Then you're one of the crowd and can develop a rapport around an interest. I volunteered at a zoo in a program for high school students and as an adult I roll play with a group in my area that I heard about online. I have friends who do costuming and historical reenacting, both of which seem similarly accepting on "weird" people. It doesn't always work out, but it's good to try these kinds of things once in a while and then stick with one that works. I've been ostracized in some NT things (Girl Scouts especially), so the geekier the better. Anyway, one of the keys to developing a skill (see The Talent Code) is having a way to try things out on a small scale. Groups like these can help you feel safe to grow socially.

-- Watching really emotional movies and reading difficult books on human behavior. Fiction by Stendhal and Tolstoy was particularly helpful to me, as are those slow costume drama things from England (the Jane Austen type stuff). Stendhal was REALLY similar to an aspie though I wouldn't speculate on anyone's place on the spectrum. Anyway, Stendhal took tons of notes on people throughout his life and his books (I read the Red and the Black) are full of observations on what people are probably thinking when they do strange things. You get similar insights from watching and rewatching the costume dramas. I ask myself: What is she thinking? Why did she do that? And over the years (a decade or more) I've gotten really good at understanding people's motivations in movies, when as a teenager I was always having to ask everyone else. Now people ask me! It doesn't always translate into real life -- social anxiety means I lose some of my access to this knowledge in stressful moments -- but understanding nonverbal language is always helpful. And, of course, I read nonfiction on these things (took a psychology course on Apple's university offerings, read up on eye contact and voice tone, etc.).

Basically, I spent a lot of my free time in my 20s studying people. It's been helpful. The one thing I don't recommend is trying to change yourself. Understanding others is good: trying to change yourself can really mess you up. I didn't know that, so I ended up doing myself some harm that I'm now trying to undo.

 

[On the Inside]

Welcome to the forum, as I often say, there are lots of good people here who really care and want to help.

Don't know if you are at all athletic, or have an interest, but when I was a teen, running and bicycling saved me. I could do it by myself, at night in the case of running (cover of darkness) and the focus on my internal sensations; the pain, effort, the building strength, the exhaustion (I would often go on long runs/rides) left me with a short lived but vital sense of having done something good, amazing even. I've been doing these things for 30 years, same effect. Can't stop, don't want to.

Now, about the tough stuff, and I'm not sure this is appropriate, but I have been needing to say something about what happened on my way to work the other day. I haven't been able to share this because I haven't wanted to bum anyone out. There have been times when I was very low, felt worthless, my life filled with difficulty and misunderstandings. I thought about taking a jump, there is a 150 cliff three blocks from home. I have stood on the edge a few times, looking out at the river valley, down to the train tracks at the bottom and vividly imagined the feeling of freefall, the crushing landing and then lights out. I walked away each time feeling stronger having faced it and turned to walk on.

It has been a few years since I last did that, or even thought about it, but on my way to work on Thursday, I was riding my bike along the river path approaching a bridge above. Someone had jumped and lay on the road unmoving. A police car was there, along with two drivers who I assumed witnessed. I coasted slowly by, 20 feet from the scene and thought "that would be me if I had taken the step" and I immediately felt that I could never do that in spite of my own visualizations, and felt overwhelming compassion for that poor guy. Not sure what I could have done, but what if I could have been able to talk with him, was that all he needed then? Take him for a cup of coffee and get to know him a little? I could do that. Maybe it would have only delayed it, but it could have distracted him long enough to take a different path.

So please, feel free to come here and talk things out, we all have an interest in helping others, and letting others help us.

 

[Datura]

It looks like I'm a bit late to the party but wow! I am impressed with the responses.
I have had similar suicidal thoughts recently, and though some of the counselors I have seen managed to help me they have nothing on Aspie Central. This community has been my life line lately, and the best therapist I could ask for.

As for survival strategies:

I for one have been subject to a lot of "positive thinking " and "motivational" workshops. I hate them, and think they are less than useless. The optimism they encourage is often unrealistic and illogical. There also seems to be an outright denial that any of your problems are real. "Hey look, this guy was crippled as a child but is now a champion marathon runner. And this person was horribly disfigured in a fire, but she doesn't let that get her down!"

All of this just seems terribly dismissive to me. They preach that you are totally in control and that if you look at things the right way then you too can be a millionaire, an astronaut, or Academy award winning actor. It's so easy. You just have to want it. You just have to believe. This is of course nonsense as only so many people can possibly win Academy Awards, jobs as astronauts are similarly scarce, and if everyone were a millionaire we would be in the midst of the greatest recession the world had ever seen.

The implication is that if you can't get what you want, that if you aren't happy, well, it's all your fault.They act as though changing ones state of mind is as simple as turning on a light switch. This is pretty much the worst message you can send to somebody with depression or low self esteem. "So that guy ran a marathon after doctors said he would never walk again? I've never been physically handicapped, yet I could never do something that. Why am I so useless?", "That girl has gone through such hardship and yet she still gets on with life. What's my excuse? I must be a horrible person." Such is the depressive thought process, therefore a different approach is needed.

I think the first step is to not feel bad about feeling bad. Realize that it isn't your fault you feel this way. Your feelings are the result of external stimuli and your own biology. Both of these factors are beyond your direct control. Your pain is real, and there is no reason to feel ashamed about it.

Moving on: there are ways you can change your thought processes, and subsequently your mood. Unlike flicking a switch though, this process takes work. Exercising ones brain to think in a different way is not so different from exercising the body to increase strength or flexibility. It takes time, and repetition.

Some resources and strategies I would suggest are:

• Look into Mindfulness Meditation. Others have mentioned the value of living in the present and deep breathing and this combines the two. Slow, controlled breathing from the diaphragm actually disrupt the physiology of the fight or flight response, essentially making it impossible to panic. Meanwhile, focusing intently on the breath and physical sensations of your immediate surroundings disrupts the cyclical thought processes that create anxiety.
  
• Try grounding exercises. The idea is similar to mindfulness meditation. Find a comfortable sitting position and plant your feet firmly on the floor. Practice deep breathing from the diaphragm. Then pay close attention to the things around you. How many sounds can you hear? How many things can you feel, see, smell?
  
• SCREAM! Seriously. Find a place where nobody can hear you, or cover your mouth with a pillow and just let it all out. If you are so inclined you might even want to start a metal band. Catharsis is good.
• Find an exercise that you enjoy. Physical activity has many benefits and stress relief is just one of them.
• Immerse yourself in your interests and hobbies. Do the things that make you happy and permit you joy in the present. Sometimes this can become addictive and aspects of your life suffer. Think of this as harm reduction though. Spending too much time doing what you love is better than hurting or killing yourself.

I would also really recommend the book Hello Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks, and Other Outlaws. This is the book that taught me not to feel bad about feeling bad. It gave me permission to do whatever I have to in order to cope, so long as it doesn't hurt others. Even cutting and drug use are still preferable to jumping off a bridge, if that's really what you need to hold on for an other day. But she is careful to list the drawbacks of each method and encourages the reader to move toward some of the more self loving and safe coping mechanisms, like listening to music, or finding your "tribe."

That's all I have for now. I hope I could be of help to you.

 

[Karin]

I'm 51 years old and Heaven save me from being 16 again! At that time I was geeky, awkward, weird looking, had found my first two friends ever, my mom had just tried to kill herself with sleeping pills, I was 8 years away from my first boy friend, and 30 years away from figuring out who I really am. Can't imagine what I would have missed out of if I had bailed out at 16. I was more inclined towards that in my 40'ies, though.

I agree that the anger shows strength. Find a way in time to use that anger constructively to help you and you move mountains. My daughter is 11, diagnosed with PDD-NOS (same level as Aspergers) and right now she has been able to make herself stop talking and walking. I am in awe of the will power it takes to stop yourself from uttering words and walking. She doesn't get me when I tell her how strong she is but truly...

I also agree that you will probably feel a lot better if you try to find a group where you fit in rather than try to fit into a group. What are you passionate about? What makes you excited? Find other people with the same interests. Even on-line like here. I have chosen to have very few friends I can actually meet with but I have a rich life of friendship in my different on-line communities. It also rules out the age difference and gives you many more choices.

Just this Sunday I was able to actually meet one of the people I play on-line games with in real life as he was on vacation in Europe with his family. It was fun, though kinda of weird to put a face on him, but my on-line life was summed up in my remark to his wife. How on Earth would I find the kind of people I like to hang out with in my neighborhood?

Another thing you might do for yourself is drop ideas about better or worse ways to get things. If you got a chance of college and want it, then who cares how. I've been supported by a mixture of disability leave and unemployment pay for several years until I had a chance to develop skills that I should be able to use to support myself as freelance and temp worker as I can't hold a job. If the universe provides, just grab it! Grab your life too!