Anyone have depression?

[karla]

All my life depression has come and go, it´s been difficult, people sometimes give up on you, they get tired. Right now I feel fine. Some people say that I am kind of plane emocionally, that´s just because I don´t express my self much by yelling or jumping, but I do feel things very strongly, it´s just hard to express them. I like life and there´s things I enjoy a lot, but I have always struggled with sadness, I guess I´m just prone to get sad. Also it´s easier for me to express sadness than happines, even to feel it, I don´t know if that makes sense to anyone.

 

[Judge]

I like life and there´s things I enjoy a lot, but I have always struggled with sadness, I guess I´m just prone to get sad. Also it´s easier for me to express sadness than happiness, even to feel it, I don´t know if that makes sense to anyone.

Makes perfect sense to me. It's my life. If anything, I default to sadness. Happiness is an abstraction.

I was diagnosed with chronic clinical depression many years ago. No matter how joyful or successful I might be, whatever positive feeling it gives is always fleeting. Even when something intensely good happens, I can't help but ask myself, "How long will it last?"

Whatever it may be, it evaporates in a matter of hours or days.

The upside? I don't really care if I never win the lottery. I just focus no further than tomorrow.

 

[toothless]

can anyone else relate?
certain support staffs will say,am a special olympicsGB athlete,have got two loving parents, am now in a good care home and have got a good support team so have got no reason to be depressed.
they dont seem to understand that depression isnt only reactive,its biological as well.

mum is severely depressed as well and this week was secretly told by her she wants to kill herself,she wont go get help or talk to anyone else about it and have offered to attend the doctors with her so she can get prescribed anti depressents she has needed them for over twenty years.
am told by staff that am supposed to be all nice and compliant when around her to help her mood but they dont also consider the fact am wanting to die every day and hate every waking moment on this planet,honestly hate this species sometimes.

 

[2aspirin]

can anyone else relate?
certain support staffs will say,am a special olympicsGB athlete,have got two loving parents, am now in a good care home and have got a good support team so have got no reason to be depressed.
they dont seem to understand that depression isnt only reactive,its biological as well.

mum is severely depressed as well and this week was secretly told by her she wants to kill herself,she wont go get help or talk to anyone else about it and have offered to attend the doctors with her so she can get prescribed anti depressents she has needed them for over twenty years.
am told by staff that am supposed to be all nice and compliant when around her to help her mood but they dont also consider the fact am wanting to die every day and hate every waking moment on this planet,honestly hate this species sometimes.

Sorry to hear about your mum and the staff asking you to behave a certain way for her to behave a certain way. I don't think that seems a healthy human dynamic. I try to go to alanon and acoa meetings which helped a lot with coping with lack of control, including over others and family. From what I learned in alanon, being compliant is "people pleasing" which can just be what people do to get others to behave as they want so they feel safe. It is common among NTs.

I do relate. Depression is not a matter of being a logical conclusion to reasoning. I think I can sometimes somewhat think my way out of depression but that works sometimes because thinking is just biological/neurological...just like depression.

I get depression off and on throughout life. It often comes on right after I finally get more quiet and peacefulness or get dystonia under better control. That is when others say "now you should not be depressed." But maybe that is when my brain has relaxed after trying to just cope.

I go to a movement disorder clinic for the dystonia. I also find it strange that now that something in my brain short-circuited and there is no inhibition to muscle contractions, others can now see a seizure-type syncing up of my nerve/muscles, in rhythm, to things in the environment: Like strong twitches and contractions that are in time to a strobe effect from a ceiling fan near a light...that kind of thing. It seems people "believe" the sensory issues I have now that they can SEE them. I have posted videos on my facebook profile for just friends to see, demonstrating how lights or sounds of certain frequencies can make certain muscles react. One frequency elicits one exact response, like near my eyes or in my neck and another frequency causes different nerve and muscle activation. I can now also record the clicking of the middle ear myoclonus I get with hyperacusis, too. People have reacted to this with shock and sympathy even though I have experienced these sensory problems my whole life. Even my baby books says feeding and changing me was impossible and I fought all simple things, fought anyone touching my face. Etc. I realize people understand that I cannot control sensory problems now that they can witness it. They used to say, "relax!" or "ignore it" or "just eat it" or "it is just a shampoo" or "stop focusing on it" or "stop thinking about it."

 

[wyverary]

I've been going through a bout of depression lately, myself, which is why I've not been posting much. I wish I could cure it. Meds help, psychotherapy helps, usually I can keep it at bay. But it's a chronic condition and I do not expect to one day be "cured" of it. It comes and goes. Sadness is not the same as depression, and based upon both my own experiences and reading about the scientific aspects, depression is a physical ailment. I've survived multiple suicide attempts; don't tell me "it's all in your head" or "just think positive thoughts." As they say, you can't think your way out of a thinking problem, let alone a biological one.

[end rant]

 

[The Penguin]

I've been going through a bout of depression lately, myself, which is why I've not been posting much. I wish I could cure it. Meds help, psychotherapy helps, usually I can keep it at bay. But it's a chronic condition and I do not expect to one day be "cured" of it. It comes and goes. Sadness is not the same as depression, and based upon both my own experiences and reading about the scientific aspects, depression is a physical ailment. I've survived multiple suicide attempts; don't tell me "it's all in your head" or "just think positive thoughts." As they say, you can't think your way out of a thinking problem, let alone a biological one.

[end rant]

No worries this site not going anywhere. Please get well.

 

[wyverary]

No worries this site not going anywhere. Please get well.

Thanks, dear. Obviously I still log on...duties, and all that, plus, I like to keep up with how everyone is doing.

 

[Thea]

An apparent depression was what got me at the therapists office earlier this year, where down the line it became clear to him my depression could be related to me being on the spectrum.

I can manage fine with, well.. "being me", it's where there is the obligation and ettiquette of parttaking in social activities where it's apparently frowned upon on how I indulge on those things, where it gets ugly. My way of coping with everyday life, just to not go mental, which keeps me in line. But in situations like college, employment and even talking to people when at some place, it revolves about social ettiquette and acting "like everyone else" which is what got me to realize I have apparently quite some problems with blending in. And in my life I've had quite some encounters where the emphasis was beyond "don't do anything crazy and everyhing is fine". It went as far as me expecting to give up my personal interests to an extent and "enjoy" what everyone did. It makes up for more not "understanding" because I'm really someone who doesn't like stuff that's just a "surface interest". If I were to enjoy soccer, I'll likely play it myself or read up about players and make analysis about games for example.

So yeah, it's where personal interest, personal integrity, perhaps traits even, along with a possible diagnosis, makes up for a odd cocktail, which deems people unfit to be around with for most.

I can however say... it's not that I'm not able to have friends or relationships for that matter. I do have some, well.. "friends" and had relationships in the past. With friends, as well as relationships, I've heard (and I do believe people are honest about it) people say; "you're one of the people for whom I'd go an extra mile because you're such a nice dude to know"... it's not to brag or anything, but it's people I've known for a long time, I rarely had fights with friends to the extent where he had an unsolved dispute and just went "well... f this, I don't want to see you again"... but i think it's those people who spend time for me to well... "prove myself". Apparently I need some time to get to know and all, and that's something that's lacking with a lot of people or situations. Come to think of it, it feels like befriending me requires the same mindset as I have about having interests, and thus needs to go beyond just surface.

I am seeing however, that even with friends, the older they get, the less time they can to spend with me, due to jobs, relationships and stuff like that. It's no obligation for anyone to spend x time with me, but it sure makes me feel more lonely. Here's an example about time to illustrate, and it's something that happened quite a lot in the past. The longer we talk (a friend and I) the more in depth the subject becomes. We rarely lose track of the subject, we only lose track of time, up to where I had 18+ hour conversations about a single subject, and those are deemed the most interesting experiences people had with me. I can compare it to a dervish I guess. But since time is an issue for a lot of people due to other commitments, I have a serious problem in settling in when there's only a short amount of time...

So I can attribute loneliness to some a problem in practical application.

As for thinking "life is not worth it"...

I've had a couple of situations where that thought crossed my mind. They kinda revolved around relationships, but that's in those situations the person I'm spending most time with is my significant other. The entire well.. "cultivation" to grow interpersonal relations just is a more time consuming process with me and I kinda feel well.. "robbed" of my time if those relationships somehow end up being a failure, as I am well aware that people don't have unlimited time to well... "grow" a friendship or anything with me.

Hope it kinda makes sense to anyone who spend time reading this...

I can really relate to the friendship thing you discussed and the loneliness.

 

[Gyrxiur]

There is some force, that doesn’t want me to be happy, I don’t know why, but I feel it. Perhaps it’s my destiny to be forever sad and alone. I hate people who love me, because I have to live for them, otherwise I would be dead…

Yeah, that's me...

 

[Thea]

I've had depression on and off since I was maybe 13 or 14, I'm almost 27 now, but the major depression didn't set in until April last year. It had probably been going for longer than that but that was when I went to the doctor and was put on anti-depressants. They've kept me from trying to kill myself but I self-harmed for the first time in my life during a period when the anti-depressant I was on wasn't working enough. I know one of the main reasons for my depression is loneliness. The kind of personality I have means I really want that lifetime connection you get in a meaningful relationship. I'm struggling at the moment because I went to see a psychiatrist about the Aspergers and after one half an hour session she told me I can't possibly have Aspergers because someone with Aspergers would never be able to "fake it" well enough to work in retail the way I can. Instead she diagnosed me with severe social anxiety and OCD. The OCD is undeniably accurate, however the severe social anxiety is not. I have no anxiety in social situations. I can talk to strangers with no problem, where I struggle is in knowing what is expected of me in social situations where I have no experience. So now the problem I'm having, in addition to all the others, is 'is the psychiatrist right or wrong?'. The OCD makes it impossible to turn off the thoughts. I'm constantly obsessing about the fact that psychiatrists study far more than I have which, in theory, should make her right but I know she's not an expert in Aspergers and I also know that despite psychiatrists and psychologists extensive education, women with Aspergers are chronically undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. I almost wish I'd never been to see her. Then there wouldn't be this doubt that I'm not an Aspie, I'm just a hypochondriac like I've been accused of in the past.

 

[Thea]

There is some force, that doesn’t want me to be happy, I don’t know why, but I feel it. Perhaps it’s my destiny to be forever sad and alone. I hate people who love me, because I have to live for them, otherwise I would be dead…

Yeah, that's me...

I'm starting to understand what you mean about hating people who love you because of the obligation to live for them.

 

[Nolan1971]

One thing that makes depression far worse is how you can be utterly depressed without one legitimate
reason (even when you should be happy/ everything is going well). I am very grateful mine lasts only a few hours a day but still very annoying! Instantly becoming wiped out/exhausted, in pain like you ran a marathon, no motivation, etc. I am blessed as I can often shut off all emotion so it can't effect me as much but powering thru having no energy, pain takes a lot of will power.
Fighting it with positive energy (thoughts,emotion,etc) helps to a point but I find not fighting by taking away all it's ammo (emotion, negative thoughts) works far better. Calming my mind to a near stand still so focused on my task it has far less power to control me.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

ME!!! (Self diagnosed)

 

[nowwhat]

Makes perfect sense to me. It's my life. If anything, I default to sadness. Happiness is an abstraction.

I was diagnosed with chronic clinical depression many years ago. No matter how joyful or successful I might be, whatever positive feeling it gives is always fleeting. Even when something intensely good happens, I can't help but ask myself, "How long will it last?"

Whatever it may be, it evaporates in a matter of hours or days.

The upside? I don't really care if I never win the lottery. I just focus no further than tomorrow.

Your position on positivity and happiness sounds like my own. I laugh and joke a lot, cause otherwise I'd be crying. People think I'm happy and jovial, but it's really all graveyard humor to me.

So, yeah, I'm definitely depressed. Not sure what keeps me plodding on.

 

[nowwhat]

There is some force, that doesn’t want me to be happy, I don’t know why, but I feel it. Perhaps it’s my destiny to be forever sad and alone. I hate people who love me, because I have to live for them, otherwise I would be dead…

Yeah, that's me...

Yes, there are those who love me, but I feel guilty for it, and consider myself and embarrassment and burden on them. I don't hate them, but wish they would just write me off for their own sakes. It's not like they're helping me. That much seems apparent.

 

[indigogrl1979]

Im on the severe end of depression. It never goes away.... i know its still there deep down inside of me. But with my medications im more able to control those dark feelings.

 

[Judge]

Im on the severe end of depression. It never goes away.... i know its still there deep down inside of me. But with my medications im more able to control those dark feelings.

Yeah. It never really goes away. You aren't alone.

 

[Cali Cat]

Yep, I'm on meds too. They help, but nothing takes that gray haze off the horizon for me. I've been this way since I can remember.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Does anyone here take supplements instead of meds for the depression/mood swings? This thing has been on and off for me since I was about 12. I was on meds in college, but they may as well have been sugar pills. Didn't help at all, and probably just made it worse. This time, I'm trying some supplements, which seem to help when I'm diligent about taking them. It's been trial-and-error, though, to find what helps more than hurts.

St. John's Wort didn't help at all--I started cycling like crazy. I have a fish oil supplement that includes a couple of other good ingredients, and I take maca root (helps balance hormone production, since I'm starting the approach to the big M). I can tell when I've missed a day or two because I start crashing.

 

[wyverary]

Does anyone here take supplements instead of meds for the depression/mood swings? This thing has been on and off for me since I was about 12. I was on meds in college, but they may as well have been sugar pills. Didn't help at all, and probably just made it worse. This time, I'm trying some supplements, which seem to help when I'm diligent about taking them. It's been trial-and-error, though, to find what helps more than hurts.

St. John's Wort didn't help at all--I started cycling like crazy. I have a fish oil supplement that includes a couple of other good ingredients, and I take maca root (helps balance hormone production, since I'm starting the approach to the big M). I can tell when I've missed a day or two because I start crashing.

Some supplements work better than others. Fish oil is a good idea, one my (very science-based) doctor recommends I take at least during the winter months, given my severe seasonal affective disorder. I've been told to stay away from St. John's Wort, though, as it can be just as dangerous as a prescription SSRI (and here in the States, you can peddle almost anything as a treatment for something, and the supplement industry is almost entirely unregulated: there's an excellent John Oliver clip on the issue, if you just YouTube "John Oliver Dr Oz").

I know that it took me a very, very long time--nine or ten years, probably, in fact--to find a combination of prescription meds that have truly helped me. For me, personally, it takes a combination of psychotherapy and drugs to keep me somewhat stable, but I know, in my case, I would not be alive today were it not for meds.

Everyone is different, everyone responds differently to various treatments. I wish there were a button we could push to make it all go away.