Any Aspies remember being 10? I need advice!!!

[KyRN]

Help! My 10 year old daughter and I have an appointment with her therapist (who is not specialized and therefor not really effective but for now is our only option) and I need help getting my daughter to relay information without... Well I don't know how to, "lead," her to talk about something. I need the therapist to understand what's really going on at school. My daughter shared with me that she sits alone at lunch; that the other girls think she's weird, and that they make fun of her. Keep in mind that she was just talking to me, this wasn't an emotional conversation. My question is if YOU were 10 years old and didn't recognize the importance of what you're saying, what kinds of... Questions or... How could someone get you to talk about your situation at school when your clearly embarrassed and don't want to talk about it- without shutting down and saying, "I don't know." I'll take any advice! Her father thinks she's, "fine," and that I'm making this up. I want her to talk about it without ME coming off or being accused of, "coaching," her. Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated!!!!

 

[BigTimber]

It's hard to say. I think being smart with the questions and asking a lot of them would be the best route. Maybe even give her a 'pep talk' before hand, like 'Be honest and don't be afraid of talking' sort of stuff. There's really not a lot you can do without leading her.

 

[unsurewhattoname]

I didn't think I was any different at age 10. I was, but as far as I knew I was just shy. And I say "I don't know" a lot. It's because I genuinely don't know, not because I'm avoiding the question or shutting down. What I could do, however, was answer more specific questions. The more vague they are, the harder to answer.

 

[KyRN]

I didn't think I was any different at age 10. I was, but as far as I knew I was just shy. And I say "I don't know" a lot. It's because I genuinely don't know, not because I'm avoiding the question or shutting down. What I could do, however, was answer more specific questions. The more vague they are, the harder to answer.

Would you have been embarrassed by the situation I described? Like, would you not have wanted to talk about it because it makes you look like, for lack of a better way of putting it, a, "loser?"

 

[unsurewhattoname]

Would you have been embarrassed by the situation I described? Like, would you not have wanted to talk about it because it makes you look like, for lack of a better way of putting it, a, "loser?"

I'm not sure. I don't think so, I don't think I understood much of what made someone a "loser". But I might be wrong, I'm not certain on this.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

With me the only way would have been to ask direct questions about the issues, or to tell me to "tell so-and-so about how the other children at school treat you", I would never volunteer information or follow subtle leads, but even if I was embarrassed I would always answer a direct and specific question. Vague questions like "tell me about school" would have also been useless, as I wouldn't have understood what information you were looking for. Sorry if that's not useful.

Why are you worried about "leading" her? When I went to therapy as a child my mums main role was to call attention to issues (like bullying or lack of friends) which I would never have brought up myself.

 

[KyRN]

With me the only way would have been to ask direct questions about the issues, or to tell me to "tell so-and-so about how the other children at school treat you", I would never volunteer information or follow subtle leads, but even if I was embarrassed I would always answer a direct and specific question. Vague questions like "tell me about school" would have also been useless, as I wouldn't have understood what information you were looking for. Sorry if that's not useful.

Why are you worried about "leading" her? When I went to therapy as a child my mums main role was to call attention to issues (like bullying or lack of friends) which I would never have brought up myself.

Her father will not recognize that there is something, "wrong," with her. Any difficulties that are undeniable he equates to MY household and parenting. Or that I'm simply crazy and making it up. It was a battle to even get her into counseling. I don't want there to be a possibility of him saying that I coached her to say that she's an outcast at school.

 

[KyRN]

Was in a catholic convent at the age of ten. We were 'shushed' constantly and spent our days not being allowed to talk. If someone (like my Mom) were to ask me how things at school were going at that age, I would have been vague and covered up anything like my being bullied or physically punished. I learned quite early on that my difficulties and problems and my voice was to be silenced, as each time I voiced a concern it would be considered unimportant, or it would become my fault.

It's nice to know and understand that there are Mother's out there like you, who pay attention and care about their children's well-being. Makes me feel so much better instead of sad. As for your daughter, someone who might be shy and introverted might respond after some time to indirect questions or play or art therapy.

I only recently realized that if I show any emotion while talking to her she will shut down and get upset; she literally thinks that I'm upset/angry at HER, not at the situations she's describing. She thinks she didn't say the, "right," thing and therefor I'm mad at her you can't ask her for an opinion about anything because she'll use information she's learned regarding the individual and determine what the person most likely wants to hear; what she perceives as a, "negative," response she equates to herself not picking the correct answer for that particular person.... If that makes sense. I understand her so well that it makes me absolutely furious to be told that I'm, "crazy," or I'm overreacting.

 

[unsurewhattoname]

Up until recently I thought my parents absolutely hated each other. They were always yelling and stuff so I thought they were constantly mad at each other. Only now I know they're just bickering. So yeah, misunderstandings happen.

 

[Pondering]

I think when I was ten I started to really show clear signs of Asperger's Syndrome but I didn't actually know what it was until six years later. I remember it very vividly. It was one of the hardest times in my life. Social awkwardness was my normal. I was pretty much totally silent. It helped to talk to other generally socially awkward people. I cried a lot and I had no idea what was wrong with me; I couldn't quite put my finger on it. But part of what made me the person I am today are those hard experiences. It's natural for a parent to want to know how to help their children or shield them from the sadness and badness but I learned how to cope healthily on my own. Gradually, I got less awkward while being more myself. Encourage her to be herself and let her know that she can tell you anything if she needs to. Lots of experience in the real world can make for a good aspie adult later in life. However, for those who are extremely sensitive, public school can prove to be too much. I did learn a good many social skills on a conscious level by staying in public school despite the teasing. Social skills do take time to learn and is possible to do. It just requires patience. A lot of patience and support.

 

[Ylva]

It's a survival skill.

You learn to read people because you have to.

Honestly, she probably just can't handle other people's emotions, it doesn't have to be that she's scared of you. I even remember reading somewhere ("Saving Ophelia") that girls that age don't actually blame themselves for things that happen to them, though I suppose her neurology could change that; but when I was that age I blamed the people who hurt me, so it's not necessarily that different.

Amethyst (blogger of autism) says that she began to believe all the labels people gave her at that age (bad, broken, spoilt), but I don't think it has to be that way. She clearly didn't have you for a mother (figuratively speaking).

I suppose she could feel guilty that she "causes" arguing between her parents, though. Not that she does, but she probably thinks she does, if it's her you argue about. Not being able to name something doesn't mean you don't know it exists.

 

[Hedgehog Instigator]

Help! My 10 year old daughter and I have an appointment with her therapist (who is not specialized and therefor not really effective but for now is our only option) and I need help getting my daughter to relay information without... Well I don't know how to, "lead," her to talk about something. I need the therapist to understand what's really going on at school. My daughter shared with me that she sits alone at lunch; that the other girls think she's weird, and that they make fun of her. Keep in mind that she was just talking to me, this wasn't an emotional conversation. My question is if YOU were 10 years old and didn't recognize the importance of what you're saying, what kinds of... Questions or... How could someone get you to talk about your situation at school when your clearly embarrassed and don't want to talk about it- without shutting down and saying, "I don't know." I'll take any advice! Her father thinks she's, "fine," and that I'm making this up. I want her to talk about it without ME coming off or being accused of, "coaching," her. Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated!!!!

I would talk privately with her therapist, day you're concerned but don't want to push. The therapist may ask some leading questions herself. Take your self out of the equation if she has a good relationship with your daughter. Also get her tested if you suspect.

 

[gonzerd]

Hmm, I had already gone into a kind of emotional shutdown by the time I was 10 because of too much stuff, so I can't go by that experience, but it does sort of remind me of an old friend/ex lover's kid who was maybe in a somewhat similar situation.

She must have been between 7 and 10 back then (she only recently was diagnosed as autistic). Her mother'd always be very concerned about the emotional side of things but in a very direct/pushy way. Like 'I think there's something wrong so NOW we are going to sit down and we won't do anything else until you told me all about it', which in itself would cause her to shutdown, but issues'd also be exaggerated (that's not the really the right word. It was more a situation where she'd be weary of having to go one counselor after the other.) Apart from that, as it later turned out, she'd also be quite concerned about upsetting her mother because she... well, she, the daughter, was herself concerned about her mother, who'd often think she wasn't a good parent (which good parent doesn't?) so she didn't want to add to those worries.

When she was at her dad's, who was more concerned about grades at school, she'd be relieved not to have to stress about that constant threat of being questioned, so she'd be more than happy to say things were just ok, because she knew a simple 'no problem' would do it and she could sort of relax inwardly. So in a way, as far as her dad could tell, there wasn't a problem.

Now what would happen at times is that when I'd be alone with her helping with homework or playing Lego, she would start asking questions or talk about the issues herself, asking how it was for me or if I could somehow relay them to her mom. She really didn't like the elaborate kids parties her parents would organize, and it turned out she didn't really have friends at school; things like that. In a way she really needed time to process the questions and know that answering them wouldn't lead to many more questions and panicking. I suppose I fit the role of much older brother in a way, or it was a kind of aspie-rapport; I'd often talk about my own issues and so with her mother so she knew I needed a lot of downtime myself and that I used to be bullied and the regular stuff. Later on she'd also start to speak more freely during conversations with the three of us, which wouldn't be about her directly, but where she'd be able to again ask questions and that way tell more about how things were for her. But just conversations during downtime making jigsaw puzzles or so, not a forced 'there's something wrong' Q&A kind of thing.

I don't know if any of that can help. I'd say: give her time and space to process the questions, ask again at a second session, but don't push for an immediate answer. She might talk more freely if she's alone with the therapist, because there's fewer people, or because she's afraid of the consequences, or of upsetting you. Setting's important too, especially if she's autistic. Even as an adult I find it hard to find words and concentrate when I'm at the doctor's office (that's why it's important to ask twice, or trice over the course of several sessions). And then there's rapport; it's always easier to talk about things when you know the person you're talking too won't think of it as weird or be accusing, or even better, has gone through the same things. Talk about how things were for you first maybe. And don't panic, overreact or argue; they do pick up on that. Try to stay positive.

Anyway, I'm not a parent so it's easy talking, and back when I was 10 there'd be severe parentification issues and neglect, so roles were more or less reversed and I was the one worried about my parent's issues. I'd always be 'ok' to avoid extra concern or attention.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I only recently realized that if I show any emotion while talking to her she will shut down and get upset; she literally thinks that I'm upset/angry at HER, not at the situations she's describing. She thinks she didn't say the, "right," thing and therefor I'm mad at her you can't ask her for an opinion about anything because she'll use information she's learned regarding the individual and determine what the person most likely wants to hear; what she perceives as a, "negative," response she equates to herself not picking the correct answer for that particular person.... If that makes sense.

I'm 31 years old, and I still feel the same way she does when someone around me displays upset/angry emotion.

That's really good that you were able to have this insight about her.

 

[artfull dodger]

While not female, I to at 42 will shut down if someone is upset or angry around me. When I was her age, I was deeply obsessed with my Lionel trains and spent most of my non school hours playing with them. At school, I was the the quiet one that got bullied, sat alone at lunch, was called nerd, weird, stupid ect. But when I was her age, unless you had classic autism, you were just considered a shy introverted kid. Good Luck and tell he to just be herself and that nothing she says will make you mad or upset with her. I also agree to direct questions. Vague questions are the wrong approach to someone with Aspergers. A direct question is the best way to get an answer, or atleast it is with me. Mike

 

[Mia]

I only recently realized that if I show any emotion while talking to her she will shut down and get upset; she literally thinks that I'm upset/angry at HER, not at the situations she's describing. She thinks she didn't say the, "right," thing and therefor I'm mad at her you can't ask her for an opinion about anything because she'll use information she's learned regarding the individual and determine what the person most likely wants to hear; what she perceives as a, "negative," response she equates to herself not picking the correct answer for that particular person.... If that makes sense. I understand her so well that it makes me absolutely furious to be told that I'm, "crazy," or I'm overreacting.

My Aspie spouse does the same thing KyRN he interprets most reactions on my part as anger toward him, he perceives most emotion as anger or neutral expressions , and I have to tell him that not everything that happens is a situation created by him. If I'm sad or upset, even a little depressed he'll ascribe it to something he's done or said, and it doesn't have anything to do with him. So I have to reassure him that he did not cause me to be any of those things. Find that if I stay neutral, show little emotion, circumstances will stay on an positive level.

 

[Cinnamon115]

I went through the same thing in fifth grade, but I'm not sure what advice I can give you, as that is a time of my life I try to forget about. Does your daughter know that you and her therapist want to help her with this? If she know that, she may be more willing to talk about it.

 

[Sass]

I remember being 10.

I remember not wanting to worry anyone. I remember being bullied, and I remember having few friends.

I'm not sure what would be a good thing to ask in terms of questions at a therapist. And in the end, it's the therapist who asks those things, and they're trained in ways to get people to open up. Whether or not that works is really down to the therapee. She'll tell the therapist what she feels comfortable explaining.

Maybe, instead of trying to 'lead' her in the session, you could just explain to her that the therapist is there to help, and that in order to do that she needs to know little details about school etc, even things that she might not think are important, or wouldn't want to bother people with. Tell her that what she has to say is important, and that the people she's talking about won't know about it because the therapist isn't allowed to tell anyone.

Just make her comfortable.

 

[Judge]

I'd like to have forgotten what it was like to be ten years old.

It was the year socially speaking when my childhood as I thought I understood it simply went over a cliff and never really recovered. Where all of a sudden I was deemed "different" in some way because I wouldn't conform to certain behaviors of the other kids. So I was picked on and ostracized.

Bad in the fifth grade, and much worse in the sixth grade. Yes, sadly I remember what it was like to be ten.

 

[Vinca]

I only recently realized that if I show any emotion while talking to her she will shut down and get upset; she literally thinks that I'm upset/angry at HER, not at the situations she's describing. She thinks she didn't say the, "right," thing and therefor I'm mad at her you can't ask her for an opinion about anything because she'll use information she's learned regarding the individual and determine what the person most likely wants to hear; what she perceives as a, "negative," response she equates to herself not picking the correct answer for that particular person.... If that makes sense.

I'm like that too. Even though I'm in my 30's, and knowing that my mother is not angry with me, if there is emotion behind her words, I feel it and it hurts.

If there is a form of creative expression that she could express her thoughts and feeling through about things relevant to questions that will be asked at the interview, and that she could prepare before hand, something like drawings, or spider diagrams, that could be taken to the interview and she could talk about what's in the drawing.

On one sheet of paper write, draw all the things she likes/enjoys about school and and on another piece of paper all the things that are difficult/she doesn't like. It could be like a craft project.