Advice on a break up.

[garnetflower13]

Yes, the pain of a breakup is like no other! But you will hopefully learn from this and grow stronger, and be more able to spot the woman you will be happy with. I'm glad you can come to AC and vent and get support!

 

[mikemike]

I've always thought maybe I'm too nice, and thus boring.

The thing that gets me is all her exes dumped her or forced her out. One used to abuse her and when she finally fought back, SHE got arrested. He played himself off as the victim.... maybe, just maybe, it was her that was lying.

I do deserve something good, something better. I just wish it didn't have to be this way. I figured I was done looking. I was happy. I was head over heels

Oh, and by no means to I mean she lied about being abused or am I implying she deserved it. I'm just saying that she tells new guys that she's always the victim and this makes her look sweet and rescuable.

Or maybe she just picks losers and she didn't know how to handle a good guy for once

 

[garnetflower13]

Oh, and by no means to I mean she lied about being abused or am I implying she deserved it. I'm just saying that she tells new guys that she's always the victim and this makes her look sweet and rescuable.

Or maybe she just picks losers and she didn't know how to handle a good guy for once

One of my siblings is always in that sort of situation, where the guy gets increasingly frustrated with her, because she becomes increasingly bossy and controlling. Then when the guy loses his temper and strikes her, or throws her out, or he walks out, she calls all her friends to complain about how mean she is being treated. According to her, it is NEVER her fault at all. You'd be surprised how many guys she can get to rescue her! It never ceases to amaze me. She even had one guy friend attack her ex. It was truly ugly.

 

[mikemike]

One of my siblings is always in that sort of situation, where the guy gets increasingly frustrated with her, because she becomes increasingly bossy and controlling. Then when the guy loses his temper and strikes her, or throws her out, or he walks out, she calls all her friends to complain about how mean she is being treated. According to her, it is NEVER her fault at all. You'd be surprised how many guys she can get to rescue her! It never ceases to amaze me. She even had one guy friend attack her ex. It was truly ugly.

The good news on my ex is we never saw any of them or asked me to do anything. She washed her hands of them, so I think most of her stories about her bad exes are accurate.

 

[garnetflower13]

The good news on my ex is we never saw any of them or asked me to do anything. She washed her hands of them, so I think most of her stories about her bad exes are accurate.

Her stories are more than likely accurate, according to her perceptions; this is not to say that she is lying but in the case of my sibling, she truly believed that she had done nothing wrong when her relationships turned sour. She never took responsibility for how she was coming across to the other person.

 

[mikemike]

Her stories are more than likely accurate, according to her perceptions; this is not to say that she is lying but in the case of my sibling, she truly believed that she had done nothing wrong when her relationships turned sour. She never took responsibility for how she was coming across to the other person.

The thing that's so weird about my exes recent behavior is how she drilled it into me how important my relationship was with her parents. After a year together, I asked if she was ready to move into an apartment with me. I was ready. She was not. She cited how her ex separated her from her family and how they hated him for it. Then he became abusive. She refused my offer and wanted to go slowly. Which I respected. We spent most of our time at her house. Which was great cause her parents grew to like me and trust me. So now she's running off with a guy in florida with obvious red flags away from her family. And they dont approve from what I've heard.

It literally makes zero sense

 

[garnetflower13]

The thing that's so weird about my exes recent behavior is how she drilled it into me how important my relationship was with her parents. After a year together, I asked if she was ready to move into an apartment with me. I was ready. She was not. She cited how her ex separated her from her family and how they hated him for it. Then he became abusive. She refused my offer and wanted to go slowly. Which I respected. We spent most of our time at her house. Which was great cause her parents grew to like me and trust me. So now she's running off with a guy in florida with obvious red flags away from her family. And they dont approve from what I've heard.

It literally makes zero sense

Maybe it's like you said; that she just picks losers and doesn't know how to handle a good guy. I think you nailed it! My sister gave up on two really nice guys who would have done anything for her, and stuck by the guy who liked to slam things around and shove her when he got angry. One of the nicer guys even wanted to marry her, but she lost interest in him.

 

[mikemike]

Maybe it's like you said; that she just picks losers and doesn't know how to handle a good guy. I think you nailed it! My sister gave up on two really nice guys who would have done anything for her, and stuck by the guy who liked to slam things around and shove her when he got angry. One of the nicer guys even wanted to marry her, but she lost interest in him.

Perhaps. Though I don't think it happens if this guy didn't come around. He really is a loser. *shrugs*

Who knows what the future holds. Maybe she will realize her error. Maybe it won't matter.

 

[mikemike]

I did want to point this out as well. Recently, I had been seeing someone else. But, I ended it today as I just wasnt.... feeling it. I didn't try with her. I didn't do the small things. I never worried if I didn't hear from her. When I did see her, I felt more annoyed.

She really liked me, and she knew my story and begged for a chance. But I'm the end I wasn't interested. A coworker told me not to let this heartbreak change me. Don't get bitter and give up. But I feel bad for just not being all about this girl. Maybe it's too soon. And maybe she just wasn't for me ultimately. But I really hope I don't change for the worse.

 

[Cosmophylla]

She really liked me, and she knew my story and begged for a chance. But I'm the end I wasn't interested. A coworker told me not to let this heartbreak change me. Don't get bitter and give up. But I feel bad for just not being all about this girl. Maybe it's too soon. And maybe she just wasn't for me ultimately. But I really hope I don't change for the worse.

It sounds more like incompatibility than any long term change on your part. Also, take your time after losing a serious relationship. Sometimes you have to go through extended loneliness or a string of unfulfilling relationships in order to be prepared when the next "big one" comes along. It's life's way of helping you appreciate a good thing when you find it.

 

[mikemike]

It sounds more like incompatibility than any long term change on your part. Also, take your time after losing a serious relationship. Sometimes you have to go through extended loneliness or a string of unfulfilling relationships in order to be prepared when the next "big one" comes along. It's life's way of helping you appreciate a good thing when you find it.

I understand that, but there's a panic involved as I'm often single and it seems like there is very little interest in me from the opposite sex. So I feel the need to settle. And I just don't want to do that.

 

[Cosmophylla]

I understand that, but there's a panic involved as I'm often single and it seems like there is very little interest in me from the opposite sex. So I feel the need to settle. And I just don't want to do that.

Well that's a really good sign. You feel that drive or instinct to find love, but are level headed enough to know you don't want to just latch onto the first person who comes along. I know it sucks to be alone but it sounds like you're doing the right thing. I, too, had little interest from the opposite sex as I didn't exactly "market" myself very well. I didn't think about it at the time but it was likely because I'm unconventional and tomboyish - the typical Aspie female, perhaps? And I despised socialising in the sort of places where I might have come across people interested in me. In the end I found my second husband online, and even that was lucky. Most of the people on there were horrible. This was long before I knew I was on the spectrum.

 

[garnetflower13]

I understand that, but there's a panic involved as I'm often single and it seems like there is very little interest in me from the opposite sex. So I feel the need to settle. And I just don't want to do that.

My current husband told me that he had been going through a lonely spell years ago, and very nearly settled on a woman that he was dating casually. He had jokingly said the word marriage, and she had hurried home and told her mother that she'd been proposed to. Later, he realized that wedding plans were underway! He had been tempted to just go along with it because he was tired of being alone, but now that we're together, he is so glad that he waited.

 

[mikemike]

My current husband told me that he had been going through a lonely spell years ago, and very nearly settled on a woman that he was dating casually. He had jokingly said the word marriage, and she had hurried home and told her mother that she'd been proposed to. Later, he realized that wedding plans were underway! He had been tempted to just go along with it because he was tired of being alone, but now that we're together, he is so glad that he waited.

I'm glad I'm waiting too, overall. I don't want to be unhappy or just content with a partner. So, even though it's tempting to call that girl up and hang out with her, all I'm doing is leading her on and settling. And that's not fair to either of us.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

This will be a pretty long post. I was looking up "aspergers and break ups" when I found this place. I figured this is as good as any.

So, basically, story goes like this. I've only ever had 2 real serious relationships. First girlfriend I ever had dumped me out of the blue after a year of dating, promises I was special, ect. Never saw it coming and I burned up over her for years. Eventually, the burn went out, but after that, I self sabatoged any potential partners. For years.

Then, 10 years later, I met Susan. She was younger, but I didn't mind. We met at school. Started chatting when placed in a group together and we just hit it off. She went after me pretty aggressively. No guessing game with her. She had her past too. As a result, red flags were everywhere, but I thought "let the past be the past"

We started dating and she told me she loved me the first day of our relationship, which kinda was odd to me. The relationship progressed however and we flourished as a couple. Saw each other every day, went out, it was a typical relationship.

Susan and I played the mobile game clash of clans in our spare time sometimes as something to do. We both worked third shift security which can get very boring. Guy in the clan from Florida was in there, and Susan and he became "friends." At first just online, game friends, but over time it progressed and they began talking on the phone and even planning on meeting. I began to get worried and this triggered some small arguments, her saying she would never mess this up for some random guy in florida. Well, the issues kept building and one day I panicked and suggest we break up. We didnt, but she claimed she was broken hearted and she may never view me the same. A month later, she broke up with me (Christmas eve)... I had an engagement ring and everything and I didn't see it coming. We break up with promises to be friends and see where we go from there. We talked often, but usually it was about how terrible I was and how I couldn't repair the damage done. She lied to me often about how her parents never cared for me (I work for her dad who often tells me the opposite) and she never loved me like she loves this new guy (they met for 4 days once) She refused to see me and now I learn her and Florida guy are a couple and she's moving to Florida to go to school and be with him. I was crushed. I'm also terrified, as the guy is really bizarre (spent over 50k on clash of clans and sent me messages about how awful Susan was, calling her names and a class welfare bi*** after losing a clan war. It's a game. He also told her he hates his mother and fantasizes about killing her. Susan just played it off as his insomnia making him say weird things)

It's been almost 5 months and I have tried to date others, but I feel nothing. I feel lost and sad and I get a panic when I think about her leaving. But she's an adult and can make her own decisions, so I'm not here to stop her. I just want to stop burning for her and move on, and I read aspies can burn up for years over someone, like I did over my first. Sorry for the long post, but what can I do here?

Most of us aspies only 'think' we either need or want relationships, not because we genuinely want or can succeed in them, but because the world is largely NT and NT society assumes relationships (romantic ones) to be mandatory in life. I'd argue that many aspies are incapable of needing or wanting love (it's how we were programmed) and thus trying to emulate NT's out of the habits they've influenced us to live by may not do us any favours in the end. We aspies excel at things we genuinely want, but we can always fail at things others tell us we should want. Perhaps you should consider that you've been chasing something you neither truely want or can ever thrive in. This is an extremely abridged version of a very detailed series of thoughts I began to relaise a week or so ago and of which may really shake things up for aspies (hopefully for the better).

 

[mikemike]

Most of us aspies only 'think' we either need or want relationships, not because we genuinely want or can succeed in them, but because the world is largely NT and NT society assumes relationships (romantic ones) to be mandatory in life. I'd argue that many aspies are incapable of needing or wanting love (it's how we were programmed) and thus trying to emulate NT's out of the habits they've influenced us to live by may not do us any favours in the end. We aspies excel at things we genuinely want, but we can always fail at things others tell us we should want. Perhaps you should consider that you've been chasing something you neither truely want or can ever thrive in. This is an extremely abridged version of a very detailed series of thoughts I began to relaise a week or so ago and of which may really shake things up for aspies (hopefully for the better).

I'm going to have to disagree right off the bat. I loved being in a relation. With her. I loved sharing my hometown with her, meeting and developing a relationship with her and her family. I loved sharing experienes, even the mundane day had purpose with her. It was legit and it was what I wanted

 

[lilyb1991]

I seem to only have short relationships that seem to last for under a year. It seems to be reoccurring where the person im with will fall for me very quickly and then as quick as it came its gone. Sometimes i get worried that the relationship ends because of me. I know i have my quirks and there is a fair few of them. Ive just started a new relationship and i hope that what feels like a curse doesnt continue in to this one.

 

[Judge]

I seem to only have short relationships that seem to last for under a year. It seems to be reoccurring where the person im with will fall for me very quickly and then as quick as it came its gone. Sometimes i get worried that the relationship ends because of me. I know i have my quirks and there is a fair few of them. Ive just started a new relationship and i hope that what feels like a curse doesnt continue in to this one.

Perhaps it might be helpful for you to itemize those "quirks" and determine if they potentially threaten your relationship in any way. At least maybe you can narrow down any potential reasons for why past relationships eventually went bad. A sort of "process of elimination". Just a thought, anyways. At least you are self-aware of your own being...a good starting point when attempting to be more introspective of what may work or doesn't work for you in relationships.

 

[mikemike]

Perhaps it might be helpful for you to itemize those "quirks" and determine if they potentially threaten your relationship in any way. At least maybe you can narrow down any potential reasons for why past relationships eventually went bad. A sort of "process of elimination". Just a thought, anyways. At least you are self-aware of your own being...a good starting point when attempting to be more introspective of what may work or doesn't work for you in relationships.

This is exactly what I've been doing. Trying to be more aware of my quirks and things to work on.

I just found out that she's moving in with this guy. The guy she's only met in person for 5 days. I have a sneaky feeling it's going to end in disaster.

So weird. So so weird

 

[lilyb1991]

Yeah coz i was diagnosed when i was 17 so i was old enough to see what made me different and learn how to be accepted in to a community. I hide a lot of myself so people dont notice that i have it.