Advice on a break up.

[mikemike]

This will be a pretty long post. I was looking up "aspergers and break ups" when I found this place. I figured this is as good as any.

So, basically, story goes like this. I've only ever had 2 real serious relationships. First girlfriend I ever had dumped me out of the blue after a year of dating, promises I was special, ect. Never saw it coming and I burned up over her for years. Eventually, the burn went out, but after that, I self sabatoged any potential partners. For years.

Then, 10 years later, I met Susan. She was younger, but I didn't mind. We met at school. Started chatting when placed in a group together and we just hit it off. She went after me pretty aggressively. No guessing game with her. She had her past too. As a result, red flags were everywhere, but I thought "let the past be the past"

We started dating and she told me she loved me the first day of our relationship, which kinda was odd to me. The relationship progressed however and we flourished as a couple. Saw each other every day, went out, it was a typical relationship.

Susan and I played the mobile game clash of clans in our spare time sometimes as something to do. We both worked third shift security which can get very boring. Guy in the clan from Florida was in there, and Susan and he became "friends." At first just online, game friends, but over time it progressed and they began talking on the phone and even planning on meeting. I began to get worried and this triggered some small arguments, her saying she would never mess this up for some random guy in florida. Well, the issues kept building and one day I panicked and suggest we break up. We didnt, but she claimed she was broken hearted and she may never view me the same. A month later, she broke up with me (Christmas eve)... I had an engagement ring and everything and I didn't see it coming. We break up with promises to be friends and see where we go from there. We talked often, but usually it was about how terrible I was and how I couldn't repair the damage done. She lied to me often about how her parents never cared for me (I work for her dad who often tells me the opposite) and she never loved me like she loves this new guy (they met for 4 days once) She refused to see me and now I learn her and Florida guy are a couple and she's moving to Florida to go to school and be with him. I was crushed. I'm also terrified, as the guy is really bizarre (spent over 50k on clash of clans and sent me messages about how awful Susan was, calling her names and a class welfare bi*** after losing a clan war. It's a game. He also told her he hates his mother and fantasizes about killing her. Susan just played it off as his insomnia making him say weird things)

It's been almost 5 months and I have tried to date others, but I feel nothing. I feel lost and sad and I get a panic when I think about her leaving. But she's an adult and can make her own decisions, so I'm not here to stop her. I just want to stop burning for her and move on, and I read aspies can burn up for years over someone, like I did over my first. Sorry for the long post, but what can I do here?

 

[buttercuplols]

Hi again. I know what you mean. I have been in 4 long term relationships. It feels like the world will end sometimes. I think my emotions run deep and my inability to talk about my feelings can make it challenging to be in a couple. This straight up sounds like she may be on the look out for the excitement of someone new and not realising she has a good thing. There's not a lot you can do unfortunately but 5 months isn't that long to get over someone in the grand scheme of things. Give yourself a little more time and be kind to yourself.

 

[mikemike]

Hi again. I know what you mean. I have been in 4 long term relationships. It feels like the world will end sometimes. I think my emotions run deep and my inability to talk about my feelings can make it challenging to be in a couple. This straight up sounds like she may be on the look out for the excitement of someone new and not realising she has a good thing. There's not a lot you can do unfortunately but 5 months isn't that long to get over someone in the grand scheme of things. Give yourself a little more time and be kind to yourself.

The problem is I think about her all the time. I replay the fight all the time. I apologized profusely. She told me some things to work on and I did. I mean I did them. We saw each other once In feb. For a minute. I hugged her and nothing. Then suddenly, she bear hugged me. Tight bear hug. I believe it's an out of sight, out of mind thing.

And her past is horrific. I wonder if that was anything to do with letting go of someone so devoted to her. I love her deeply.

We actually were in a commercial together

I'm the "I thought I had it"guy while she's the girl in the dress.

We just went well together. So. It seems almost unreal for her to drop me like this. But here we are.

 

[Judge]

Relationships are complex. Sometimes they can go on for some time "untested"... and then one or a few incidents can undo them just like that. A sad potential reality. I suppose the more "rough spots" a couple gets over, the better their chances are in the long term.

 

[mikemike]

Relationships are complex. Sometimes they can go on for some time "untested"... and then one or a few incidents can undo them just like that. A sad potential reality. I suppose the more "rough spots" a couple gets over, the better their chances are in the long term.

I do get that. I hesitate at the word "untested" because we did have our arguments. I learned early to put my ego aside and work things out. I listened, and apologized. I blame myself for the panicked suggestion we break up, but she also told me many times she would never break up with me, no matter how unhappy she is. I think the suggestion was more of a test, like, if she's unhappy and I give her an out, she will take it. Not a game. Just a chance out. She cried and we talked things out.

To me, I believe this guy got in her ear. For a few months while they talked, she would always say "well, I told joe about this argument and he said you are wrong!" That kind of stuff. I believe he manipulated her. Maybe that's passing the buck, but that's what I believe.

 

[Judge]

To me, I believe this guy got in her ear. For a few months while they talked, she would always say "well, I told joe about this argument and he said you are wrong!" That kind of stuff. I believe he manipulated her. Maybe that's passing the buck, but that's what I believe.

Definitely quite possible. Or she may not have been as truthful with you as you'd like to believe.

That your intuition about the other guy may have been "spot-on" to begin with. Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be anything to shed any real light on what actually happened.

My gut tells me though that your actions may not have been anything akin to "a self-fulfilled prophecy". But it's just my opinion...I'm no oracle when it comes to relationships. Just someone with a lot of hindsight after I messed things up.

 

[mikemike]

Definitely quite possible. Or she may not have been as truthful with you as you'd like to believe.

That your intuition about the other guy may have been "spot-on" to begin with. Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be anything to shed any real light on what actually happened.

Absolutely correct. She's bounced around alot. At one point she admitted she says stuff to hurt me when she's mad. She also blocked me from Facebook and Twitter (I use Twitter to get sports news) and she doesn't even block her abusive ex's... this leads me to believe she can't handle seeing me or knowing about me.

We last spoke 2 months ago. She told me all this garbage about how she never loved me like she loves this new guy and her parents never approved of my plan to propose and that they "saw through my act"

Funny thing is, her dad and I talked the next day, and he said she was lying. Flat out lying about her parents and said I was a really good boyfriend to her, but she has to learn things the hard way.

Her mom reached out to me 2 weeks ago telling me to take care of myself and ask how everything was. I

But what I really want to know is if I'll burn inside for her for years (impossible to tell, I know) or if anyone else processes breakups like this? If this is an aspie thing or a Mike thing?

 

[Judge]

But what I really want to know is if I'll burn inside for her for years (impossible to tell, I know) or if anyone else processes breakups like this? If this is an aspie thing or a Mike thing?

Many of us do tend to internalize things for a very long time. I still think a lot of a relationship I lost nearly 30 years ago.

But in as much as I know it was my own fault and directly relative to my autism and lack of awareness of it, I also know since then she's on husband number three. So I'm thinking I may never have really had a chance in that relationship anyways. But yeah...I still dwell on it for some reason.

 

[Cali Cat]

Mike, as a woman with "relationship issues," let me tell you, your ex was looking for a way out. Nothing you did was wrong. For whatever reason, she got bored and wanted to move on. Some people are like that.

No doubt she'll find out this other guy has serious mental health problems. She may come back at some point, but I wouldn't suggest taking her back. She's trouble, and always will be.

As for burning for her ... well, that's a little more difficult. Maybe self-talk yourself out of your idealized view of the future you thought you'd have together? Dwell on her negative qualities, and if you are in any way relieved to not have to deal with the insecurity about her intentions anymore, then dwell on that feeling of relief. I've found this very helpful in getting over my recent breakup.

Good luck!

 

[mikemike]

Mike, as a woman with "relationship issues," let me tell you, your ex was looking for a way out. Nothing you did was wrong. For whatever reason, she got bored and wanted to move on. Some people are like that.

No doubt she'll find out this other guy has serious mental health problems. She may come back at some point, but I wouldn't suggest taking her back. She's trouble, and always will be.

As for burning for her ... well, that's a little more difficult. Maybe self-talk yourself out of your idealized view of the future you thought you'd have together? Dwell on her negative qualities, and if you are in any way relieved to not have to deal with the insecurity about her intentions anymore, then dwell on that feeling of relief. I've found this very helpful in getting over my recent breakup.

Good luck!

Thank you for this. I believe you are right. She idealizes people at the beginning of a relationship ship. We all do, but she latches on so fast. She told me she wanted to marry me within a week of dating.

If she was bored, it had to have been with me. She didn't like to do things. We sat at her house, watched tv, played wit her dogs, did homework... rarely went out cause she is a homebody and I am too. It seemed perfect. She was also extremely bossy and moody. One minute, she would be bouncing off the walls in happiness, next, I'd be getting dirty looks for a hour for doing the smallest thing wrong. She also wanted me to get fatter. I'm 5foot 10, and she wanted me at 300 pounds. She likes big boys. I didn't gain weight for her, but I did gain weight. Since the break up, I've lost 33 pounds.

I do see that in the end, this is best for me. If she bailed like this on me, it was going to happen. And this guy she's with... yikes. He's got money and smart, but serious issues. He used to post at a sports forum I post at and one time he bragged about how easy it is to manipulate women and how he's an alpha male and he gets what he wants or he takes it. I should have known better to allow him to play tha game with us.

I just remember the good stuff. It makes me wonder "what if...."

 

[Judge]

Mike, as a woman with "relationship issues," let me tell you, your ex was looking for a way out. Nothing you did was wrong. For whatever reason, she got bored and wanted to move on. Some people are like that.

Glad to see someone else was reading the same thing into this.

 

[Vinca]

After my last break up I found it occupied my mind for quite some time after.

Spending time on activities and pursuits that give your mind a break form thinking about the break up, can help break the constant thinking about it and give some much needed distance from the thoughts and feeling.

If identifying and processing the emotions that you are experiencing is difficult, reading about the experiences of others who have gone through a break up may be helpful to you. I've found googling whatever the situation is I'm going through helpful.

 

[eonbus]

This will be a pretty long post. I was looking up "aspergers and break ups" when I found this place. I figured this is as good as any.

So, basically, story goes like this. I've only ever had 2 real serious relationships. First girlfriend I ever had dumped me out of the blue after a year of dating, promises I was special, ect. Never saw it coming and I burned up over her for years. Eventually, the burn went out, but after that, I self sabatoged any potential partners. For years.

Then, 10 years later, I met Susan. She was younger, but I didn't mind. We met at school. Started chatting when placed in a group together and we just hit it off. She went after me pretty aggressively. No guessing game with her. She had her past too. As a result, red flags were everywhere, but I thought "let the past be the past"

We started dating and she told me she loved me the first day of our relationship, which kinda was odd to me. The relationship progressed however and we flourished as a couple. Saw each other every day, went out, it was a typical relationship.

Susan and I played the mobile game clash of clans in our spare time sometimes as something to do. We both worked third shift security which can get very boring. Guy in the clan from Florida was in there, and Susan and he became "friends." At first just online, game friends, but over time it progressed and they began talking on the phone and even planning on meeting. I began to get worried and this triggered some small arguments, her saying she would never mess this up for some random guy in florida. Well, the issues kept building and one day I panicked and suggest we break up. We didnt, but she claimed she was broken hearted and she may never view me the same. A month later, she broke up with me (Christmas eve)... I had an engagement ring and everything and I didn't see it coming. We break up with promises to be friends and see where we go from there. We talked often, but usually it was about how terrible I was and how I couldn't repair the damage done. She lied to me often about how her parents never cared for me (I work for her dad who often tells me the opposite) and she never loved me like she loves this new guy (they met for 4 days once) She refused to see me and now I learn her and Florida guy are a couple and she's moving to Florida to go to school and be with him. I was crushed. I'm also terrified, as the guy is really bizarre (spent over 50k on clash of clans and sent me messages about how awful Susan was, calling her names and a class welfare bi*** after losing a clan war. It's a game. He also told her he hates his mother and fantasizes about killing her. Susan just played it off as his insomnia making him say weird things)

It's been almost 5 months and I have tried to date others, but I feel nothing. I feel lost and sad and I get a panic when I think about her leaving. But she's an adult and can make her own decisions, so I'm not here to stop her. I just want to stop burning for her and move on, and I read aspies can burn up for years over someone, like I did over my first. Sorry for the long post, but what can I do here?

all i can say, you did what you could. thats all you can do. there are plenty of other women that are more than welcome to meet you.

 

[Lena_C]

(a little bit off-topic) "break up"...Aspies...oh no this is what happen on me few weeks ago, with someone online.
I say it, and wish to still be friend with him, but seems...he just gone.
I know Aspie's emotional attachment can be very intense, both of us are this kind of Aspies, so I was very worry about his "disappear" because I have no means to abandon him.
And now reading your post, I am worrying about him again.

 

[mikemike]

Thank you guys very much for everything. My attachment to her was strong but I will get on and br ok.

 

[mikemike]

(a little bit off-topic) "break up"...Aspies...oh no this is what happen on me few weeks ago, with someone online.
I say it, and wish to still be friend with him, but seems...he just gone.
I know Aspie's emotional attachment can be very intense, both of us are this kind of Aspies, so I was very worry about his "disappear" because I have no means to abandon him.
And now reading your post, I am worrying about him again.

I've never understood why people treat others like this. We Dont deserve that.

 

[Cali Cat]

Thank you for this. I believe you are right. She idealizes people at the beginning of a relationship ship. We all do, but she latches on so fast. She told me she wanted to marry me within a week of dating.

If she was bored, it had to have been with me. She didn't like to do things. We sat at her house, watched tv, played wit her dogs, did homework... rarely went out cause she is a homebody and I am too. It seemed perfect. She was also extremely bossy and moody. One minute, she would be bouncing off the walls in happiness, next, I'd be getting dirty looks for a hour for doing the smallest thing wrong. She also wanted me to get fatter. I'm 5foot 10, and she wanted me at 300 pounds. She likes big boys. I didn't gain weight for her, but I did gain weight. Since the break up, I've lost 33 pounds.

I do see that in the end, this is best for me. If she bailed like this on me, it was going to happen. And this guy she's with... yikes. He's got money and smart, but serious issues. He used to post at a sports forum I post at and one time he bragged about how easy it is to manipulate women and how he's an alpha male and he gets what he wants or he takes it. I should have known better to allow him to play tha game with us.

I just remember the good stuff. It makes me wonder "what if...."

I highly doubt it was specifically you she was bored with. From your description, she sounds like maybe she is bipolar, or worse, has a personality disorder of some sort. People like that get bored with the whole situation and want to reinvent themselves periodically. Hence, the desperate way she throws herself into relationships in the beginning. She was probably more bored with herself than with you. Not that that's any excuse for such heartless behavior, but just a reason.

The "what if's" will do you in. Try to think of it as an "oh well" experience. With someone like that, the "what if" has already been answered. She is what she, and she won't change, believe me.

 

[mikemike]

I highly doubt it was specifically you she was bored with. From your description, she sounds like maybe she is bipolar, or worse, has a personality disorder of some sort. People like that get bored with the whole situation and want to reinvent themselves periodically. Hence, the desperate way she throws herself into relationships in the beginning. She was probably more bored with herself than with you. Not that that's any excuse for such heartless behavior, but just a reason.

The "what if's" will do you in. Try to think of it as an "oh well" experience. With someone like that, the "what if" has already been answered. She is what she, and she won't change, believe me.

She's been tested for bipolar disorder. Came back negative. I've wondered if she is borderline personality disorder as well.

Ironically, her dad pulled me into his office today to ask me to watch the dogs while they move her down. He said she is already second guessing herself and said she will come home if the dog misses her too much.

 

[Cali Cat]

She's been tested for bipolar disorder. Came back negative. I've wondered if she is borderline personality disorder as well.

Ironically, her dad pulled me into his office today to ask me to watch the dogs while they move her down. He said she is already second guessing herself and said she will come home if the dog misses her too much.

Oh, no. Borderline PD is the worst. My recent ex had that. I've often described it as falling down the rabbit hole into some hellish Wonderland where nothing makes sense.

Interesting. Sounds like she's already planning her "out" with this other guy.

 

[mikemike]

Oh, no. Borderline PD is the worst. My recent ex had that. I've often described it as falling down the rabbit hole into some hellish Wonderland where nothing makes sense.

Interesting. Sounds like she's already planning her "out" with this other guy.

That's what her dad told me too. I told him that this guy was no good and it wasn't coming from a bitter ex, but out of concern for someone I care about. He said he knows me well enough to know I'm being honest. So that's nice