Abusive Autism

[TylerNT]

My wife and I have been married for 2 years and together for 3.5 years. She was diagnosed 4 months ago with high functioning autism (She also has ADD, anxiety, and symptoms of PTSD). She has a specialist for autism, PTSD/Anxiety, we are going to a Sex Therapist for marriage counseling and the obvious, and I have a therapist for understanding more about autism and how to deal with everything changing overnight for us...All of the therapists have training in Autism).

Some background on my wife is she was emotionally abused by both parents growing up. She went straight from that environment into being in a relationship/marriage for a total of 10 years. This guy abused her in every way you can imagine. Physically beat her, every other word emotional abuse, restricting her from finding help even through church, he got heavily drunk every night which in turn almost every night he raped her, he restricted her from not seeing any friends, and in the end of the marriage cheated on her but forced her to be raped by a friend of his so he could prove she cheated on him first. After she left him (age 30), she moved back into her parents house and wanted to go to a therapist but her parents convinced her not to go.

Take all that in then read this next part>
So up until she met me she has spent her entire life building coping mechanisms to survive abusive relationships. Basically this means that she did her best to hide all of her "flaws" (autistic tendencies) from everyone in her life. She met me 2 years later in 2014. All I saw was a shell shocked woman who didn't know how to even speak to me. After she told me her life story I didn't question anything because everything she has been through for a NT it is still common for someone to act the way she did with me in the beginning. I spent 2 years helping her come out of her shell and learn to be loved, truly loved for the first time in her life. During this time I was helping her through the stress of 2 bad job situations among everything else.

When we got married, I confronted her mom and dad about constantly lying to her about her brother and constantly belittling her. Her dad quickly escalated the conversation and after we left that night, we were told later, her dad sat in his chair with his gun in his hand contemplating whether or not he was going to drive to the hotel to kill me and kill himself after. We told them we didn't want to speak with them for a while. After that she had a new job and she also had difficulty with the manager at that job as well. We went back to every day calming her down because everyday was bad. Due to her previous marriage one of her coping mechanisms with this was getting drunk. It took me 3 years to convince her to stop drinking for me but I finally did.

Take all that in then read this next part>
After we got married I started to realize that she took the time to make me happy/take care of me about 10% of the amount that I did for her. I love everything about my wife. I do not love her autism. I understand how difficult this is for her in dealing with the news that she is autistic. It is way more challenging for her. I understand that. After I realized that I wasn't being taken care of we went to therapists. When we received the diagnosis we changed therapists to ones qualified to help. My wife doesn't just struggle with the normal struggles of autism she also struggles with PTSD and anxiety. We know what needs to be done in our marriage to help both the marriage succeed. I know how much my wife has changed since I first met her. I know how this is a work in progress and how this is something I need to get used to. I am fine with that. I am worried that I will spend the next 20 years helping her and I will have lost who I am completely. I know people change but I would feel like I gave up on myself to take care of her. I understand that I love her and I understand how much she needs me.

I do not know how to be okay with waiting. We talk everyday, and she writes down most of what we say and we even go over it again after we talk. When we are arguing or fighting we text/message each other. She constantly says she is going to fix what we talk about and has a strong desire to do so. She either forgets, or doesn't remind herself. She doesn't want to be autistic. She is still having a tough time accepting that she is.

I do not know if I am writing to just tell our story and talk about it. Or if I am writing to ask your opinion on do you think it is possible for someone who is autistic and has been through as much as my wife has to relearn new coping mechanisms and learn how to be there for me when she has spent her whole life trying to avoid being in all the emotional/physical positions/situations she is with me because in the past it always meant she was going to be hurt? I know that NT people who go through everything she has gone through can take a long time to get over all of that even with therapy and medication. Sometimes they never get over it. It feels like most of the time her Autism causes her to process/work through something at about 20% when compared to the way someone who is NT would.

Another one of my fears is let's say there are 8 things I need her to relearn new ways to deal with them in our relationship (compared to how she used to deal with them in her past). Let's say she does in fact relearn them. Can she be able to pick up on those 8 things as they happen? Or will her autism only allow her to pick up on them if she was focused and trying to find them? Because if she had a stressed out/emotional day and comes home and I take care her to calm her down I never see her be able to look past what she is feeling to think about how my day was or what our needs are in our marriage on that particular day.

I could go on and on but I think this will get the conversation started and I could explain more as you ask questions. I am open to opinions, thoughts, questions, etc.

 

[tree]

 

[Warmheart]

Welcome here!

 

[Nitro]

 

[wight]

Congratulations! Your life is going to be very interesting and fulfilling. Stop worrying about "losing yourself" and start thinking about finding yourself with her. If what your asking is about her changing and become an "equal" in this relationship, that's probably not going to happen. She is always going to need more and have less to give. You are always going to need less and have more to give. It is not about keeping score of who does what or whether some imaginary scale is in balance. Just love her the way she is, accept her limitations and help her grow when and how she can and learn to grow with her. Let her love you the way she can, not the way you think she should.

 

[Alaska]

My wife and I have been married for 2 years and together for 3.5 years. She was diagnosed 4 months ago with high functioning autism (She also has ADD, anxiety, and symptoms of PTSD). She has a specialist for autism, PTSD/Anxiety, we are going to a Sex Therapist for marriage counseling and the obvious, and I have a therapist for understanding more about autism and how to deal with everything changing overnight for us...All of the therapists have training in Autism).

Some background on my wife is she was emotionally abused by both parents growing up. She went straight from that environment into being in a relationship/marriage for a total of 10 years. This guy abused her in every way you can imagine. Physically beat her, every other word emotional abuse, restricting her from finding help even through church, he got heavily drunk every night which in turn almost every night he raped her, he restricted her from not seeing any friends, and in the end of the marriage cheated on her but forced her to be raped by a friend of his so he could prove she cheated on him first. After she left him (age 30), she moved back into her parents house and wanted to go to a therapist but her parents convinced her not to go.

Take all that in then read this next part>
So up until she met me she has spent her entire life building coping mechanisms to survive abusive relationships. Basically this means that she did her best to hide all of her "flaws" (autistic tendencies) from everyone in her life. She met me 2 years later in 2014. All I saw was a shell shocked woman who didn't know how to even speak to me. After she told me her life story I didn't question anything because everything she has been through for a NT it is still common for someone to act the way she did with me in the beginning. I spent 2 years helping her come out of her shell and learn to be loved, truly loved for the first time in her life. During this time I was helping her through the stress of 2 bad job situations among everything else.

When we got married, I confronted her mom and dad about constantly lying to her about her brother and constantly belittling her. Her dad quickly escalated the conversation and after we left that night, we were told later, her dad sat in his chair with his gun in his hand contemplating whether or not he was going to drive to the hotel to kill me and kill himself after. We told them we didn't want to speak with them for a while. After that she had a new job and she also had difficulty with the manager at that job as well. We went back to every day calming her down because everyday was bad. Due to her previous marriage one of her coping mechanisms with this was getting drunk. It took me 3 years to convince her to stop drinking for me but I finally did.

Take all that in then read this next part>
After we got married I started to realize that she took the time to make me happy/take care of me about 10% of the amount that I did for her. I love everything about my wife. I do not love her autism. I understand how difficult this is for her in dealing with the news that she is autistic. It is way more challenging for her. I understand that. After I realized that I wasn't being taken care of we went to therapists. When we received the diagnosis we changed therapists to ones qualified to help. My wife doesn't just struggle with the normal struggles of autism she also struggles with PTSD and anxiety. We know what needs to be done in our marriage to help both the marriage succeed. I know how much my wife has changed since I first met her. I know how this is a work in progress and how this is something I need to get used to. I am fine with that. I am worried that I will spend the next 20 years helping her and I will have lost who I am completely. I know people change but I would feel like I gave up on myself to take care of her. I understand that I love her and I understand how much she needs me.

I do not know how to be okay with waiting. We talk everyday, and she writes down most of what we say and we even go over it again after we talk. When we are arguing or fighting we text/message each other. She constantly says she is going to fix what we talk about and has a strong desire to do so. She either forgets, or doesn't remind herself. She doesn't want to be autistic. She is still having a tough time accepting that she is.

I do not know if I am writing to just tell our story and talk about it. Or if I am writing to ask your opinion on do you think it is possible for someone who is autistic and has been through as much as my wife has to relearn new coping mechanisms and learn how to be there for me when she has spent her whole life trying to avoid being in all the emotional/physical positions/situations she is with me because in the past it always meant she was going to be hurt? I know that NT people who go through everything she has gone through can take a long time to get over all of that even with therapy and medication. Sometimes they never get over it. It feels like most of the time her Autism causes her to process/work through something at about 20% when compared to the way someone who is NT would.

Another one of my fears is let's say there are 8 things I need her to relearn new ways to deal with them in our relationship (compared to how she used to deal with them in her past). Let's say she does in fact relearn them. Can she be able to pick up on those 8 things as they happen? Or will her autism only allow her to pick up on them if she was focused and trying to find them? Because if she had a stressed out/emotional day and comes home and I take care her to calm her down I never see her be able to look past what she is feeling to think about how my day was or what our needs are in our marriage on that particular day.

I could go on and on but I think this will get the conversation started and I could explain more as you ask questions. I am open to opinions, thoughts, questions, etc.

Hi Tyler, NT. Welcome to AF!!!

I can see where the enormity of the task facing you can feel overwhelming to you now. I can also see where you might not want to tackle it.

I used to be a lot worse off than your wife, but function adequately enough now that even therapists have never suspected that I might have Aspergers, or have been through so much abuse and other bad experiences. Your wife could achieve this or better, also.

Just because she is unable to respond to your personal needs and those of your relationship adequately right now, does not mean she never will. Every person on the Aspergers/Autism Spectrum is different. Some of us are perfectly capable of being loving and responsive in a relationship. We do better with this when we feel safe and loved. Your wife surely experiences this with you.

If you can manage to hang on longer with your wife, you will experience the rewards of seeing her blossom into the person she was meant to be. You will also experience her awakening expressions of love in return.

 

[Gracey]

Hello Tyler and welcome

Don't forget about yourself either. Your own well being, hobbies, interests, friends and so on.

 

[TylerNT]

If you can manage to hang on longer with your wife, you will experience the rewards of seeing her blossom into the person she was meant to be. You will also experience her awakening expressions of love in return.

This is what has kept me going since the beginning. I know the enormous task that she is facing. I am not going to just stop being supportive. For me I have spent the last year and a half realizing just how much I am not being taken care of. I understand she is always going to need more than me. And I will always be able to give back more. But there is only so much someone can give when they are not getting anything back in return. I know she will blossom. I also know it's a very slow process.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

I have an opposite stance on this, and not so positive, as I feel your needs are being overlooked, and I sense you are not happy or fulfilled by not only the words you said, but from what you did not say, too. Love is different than happiness. People can love someone but still be miserable. I hope you both can find fulfillment for the sake of the marriage.

First, I would like to say that is a really tough situation for you both. Although it looks like your wife has suffered so much from that ex husband and her parents, I feel you obviously are going through much stres and anxiety, and a host of other overwhelming emotions and feelings too, and as as you likely feel confused at what to do and helpless.

I just am not sure from what you wrote though if Autism is the main issue to be really concerned with. It is not only your needs, but the trauma that she faced from her parents and that ex, and her other signs and symptoms from possibly those other two conditions, the PTSD and ADD, that seem to possibly be the issues affecting the relationship more. The Autism, if she really has that, could be just a scapegoat for the other behaviors and issues that seem from other causes.

I think you are in a very difficult situation, as you seem to desire and need more from life despite that love for your wife, because of any one sided efforts, and from dealing with all that daily stess and anxiety that you seem to have not caused, and from all your sacrifices you have made, but you seem to fear also moving on, as you feel maybe trapped because of her many needs and as she may be unable to care properly for herself. You seem like the very caring guy who believes in commitment, but I feel you are hoping for more too, and you seem worried and rightly so about your future.

It is good that your wife is receiving therapy, but hopefully the focus is just as much on the ptsd and ADD. No 8-step plan to help is going to work if she has unresolved and untreated severe daily stress and anxiety from that past traumatizing negative environmental conditioning, and if her attention and concentration is scattered and she does not prioritize relationship things, or put forth the efforts, and if under duress in your relationship she chooses to flee instead of work through those issues. I do not recommend either of you to see her parents again though, as they contributed to much of her situation, and based on how awful and dangerous they seem to be.

In this society, there are tons of relationships like yours where the one spouse is often doing almost everything, because of the other person's numerous issues and needs, even if those were by no fault though of their own. That is unfortunate, and I wish there was an easy answer, as many of those relationships fail. I just think right now you seem to be taking on way too much, and seem to be appreciated too little. Your so many efforts are to be commended, but I hope things improve for your wife, sooner than later, for your sake, too. Or it will be natural to start focusing on yourself, too.

 

[Alaska]

I can see where you would get tired of not having your needs met in any relationship. I am hoping you can hold on long enough for her to get enough better to reciprocate your good care of her. It is understandable if you find at some point that you can not give any more and have to stop. I do not agree that she may never be able to improve enough for your needs, though.

 

[SusanLR]

I see this as almost like a caregiver that is standing by the one they love. Some can be happy with themselves and still be able to give the great amount that is needed while others can't.

My whole life was dedicated to being a caregiver to one I loved for 7 yrs. And I would have continued forever as I could still be myself and I knew the person would never stop loving me or caring even though dementia caused a problem with being able to give what I wanted back to me towards the end. I still was me. I didn't feel I lost myself. And the only thing I needed was to know I was loved even though their disability might prevent it from being apparent most of the time.

Being an older ASD that never knew how other types of relationships I knew I had two choices.
Be happy that I was loved truly with a love I could trust and just knowing that got me through some very difficult times or be alone even if in another relationship because I can't trust in another's love to be there what ever difficulties I have from HFA. ( like the questions you are asking of yourself).

I made this a bit vague in an attempt to help you look at how you really feel. You love her, but, can you know 100% you can be happy living this way if she is unable to ever give back more than she is able? More than what you would like to see?
Just something to deepley contemplate IMO because she may grow, but no one knows the timeline, and what if she doesn't ?
It really comes down to an in depth what we want and need decision. And we all have different desires and needs.

 

[xudo]

Welcome

 

[Suzanne]

As a female aspie who has gone through similar to your wife, one thing that I have learned and now, have to deal with, is that one should NEVER enter a marriage when huge issues like your wife and I have experienced.

Marriage should be based on mutal love and respect and taking care of each other's needs, but it is just not possible when the marriage is based on a different reality.

My husband, like yourself, married me out of pity and to be my savior, and love) but did not reckon for a woman to grow in her marriage and find some of his "savior" methods to be crushing and thus, she fights back, because she is not a no, sir, etc.

Just to pick up on a point: I love everything about her. I do not love her autism. That shows you consider they are separate from each other, but they are not. Just like an NT. Being "normal" is not separate from the person. And I feel that once you grasp that, you will be able to deal with the situation better.

You say that she has learned a lot; but it seems you want your 100% and not accepting her verson of 100%.

What you do not want to achieve is that she starts viewing you as her enemy, rather than her savior.

You really cannot expect a broken person to be unselfish. You need to help that unbroken person to raise up and be renewed, before she is able to think beyond herself.

My husband is unable to do this. After 26 years, he talks to me as though I was an ignorant child and does not welcome any form of intelligence coming from me, because he sees it as a reflection on himself.

When she is going through a meltdown, the best thing to do is leave her alone; do not talk to her and tell her how childish she is etc; just say: I love you and am here for you and walk away. She will calm down on her own.

We are not able to cope with emotions and so, rather be alone to cogitate on what is going on.

 

[Streetwise]

My wife and I have been married for 2 years and together for 3.5 years. She was diagnosed 4 months ago with high functioning autism (She also has ADD, anxiety, and symptoms of PTSD). She has a specialist for autism, PTSD/Anxiety, we are going to a Sex Therapist for marriage counseling and the obvious, and I have a therapist for understanding more about autism and how to deal with everything changing overnight for us...All of the therapists have training in Autism).

Some background on my wife is she was emotionally abused by both parents growing up. She went straight from that environment into being in a relationship/marriage for a total of 10 years. This guy abused her in every way you can imagine. Physically beat her, every other word emotional abuse, restricting her from finding help even through church, he got heavily drunk every night which in turn almost every night he raped her, he restricted her from not seeing any friends, and in the end of the marriage cheated on her but forced her to be raped by a friend of his so he could prove she cheated on him first. After she left him (age 30), she moved back into her parents house and wanted to go to a therapist but her parents convinced her not to go.

Take all that in then read this next part>
So up until she met me she has spent her entire life building coping mechanisms to survive abusive relationships. Basically this means that she did her best to hide all of her "flaws" (autistic tendencies) from everyone in her life. She met me 2 years later in 2014. All I saw was a shell shocked woman who didn't know how to even speak to me. After she told me her life story I didn't question anything because everything she has been through for a NT it is still common for someone to act the way she did with me in the beginning. I spent 2 years helping her come out of her shell and learn to be loved, truly loved for the first time in her life. During this time I was helping her through the stress of 2 bad job situations among everything else.

When we got married, I confronted her mom and dad about constantly lying to her about her brother and constantly belittling her. Her dad quickly escalated the conversation and after we left that night, we were told later, her dad sat in his chair with his gun in his hand contemplating whether or not he was going to drive to the hotel to kill me and kill himself after. We told them we didn't want to speak with them for a while. After that she had a new job and she also had difficulty with the manager at that job as well. We went back to every day calming her down because everyday was bad. Due to her previous marriage one of her coping mechanisms with this was getting drunk. It took me 3 years to convince her to stop drinking for me but I finally did.

Take all that in then read this next part>
After we got married I started to realize that she took the time to make me happy/take care of me about 10% of the amount that I did for her. I love everything about my wife. I do not love her autism. I understand how difficult this is for her in dealing with the news that she is autistic. It is way more challenging for her. I understand that. After I realized that I wasn't being taken care of we went to therapists. When we received the diagnosis we changed therapists to ones qualified to help. My wife doesn't just struggle with the normal struggles of autism she also struggles with PTSD and anxiety. We know what needs to be done in our marriage to help both the marriage succeed. I know how much my wife has changed since I first met her. I know how this is a work in progress and how this is something I need to get used to. I am fine with that. I am worried that I will spend the next 20 years helping her and I will have lost who I am completely. I know people change but I would feel like I gave up on myself to take care of her. I understand that I love her and I understand how much she needs me.

I do not know how to be okay with waiting. We talk everyday, and she writes down most of what we say and we even go over it again after we talk. When we are arguing or fighting we text/message each other. She constantly says she is going to fix what we talk about and has a strong desire to do so. She either forgets, or doesn't remind herself. She doesn't want to be autistic. She is still having a tough time accepting that she is.

I do not know if I am writing to just tell our story and talk about it. Or if I am writing to ask your opinion on do you think it is possible for someone who is autistic and has been through as much as my wife has to relearn new coping mechanisms and learn how to be there for me when she has spent her whole life trying to avoid being in all the emotional/physical positions/situations she is with me because in the past it always meant she was going to be hurt? I know that NT people who go through everything she has gone through can take a long time to get over all of that even with therapy and medication. Sometimes they never get over it. It feels like most of the time her Autism causes her to process/work through something at about 20% when compared to the way someone who is NT would.

Another one of my fears is let's say there are 8 things I need her to relearn new ways to deal with them in our relationship (compared to how she used to deal with them in her past). Let's say she does in fact relearn them. Can she be able to pick up on those 8 things as they happen? Or will her autism only allow her to pick up on them if she was focused and trying to find them? Because if she had a stressed out/emotional day and comes home and I take care her to calm her down I never see her be able to look past what she is feeling to think about how my day was or what our needs are in our marriage on that particular day.

I could go on and on but I think this will get the conversation started and I could explain more as you ask questions. I am open to opinions, thoughts, questions, etc.

Welcome to AF/AC I'm nonplused
I wonder what a vile term (battered women's home )could come up with
All we have in the uk is child line which would work for her ex as he's probably a product of his family it's a children's charity with a uk free phone number .

 

[Littlemissnaughty9]

My wife and I have been married for 2 years and together for 3.5 years. She was diagnosed 4 months ago with high functioning autism (She also has ADD, anxiety, and symptoms of PTSD). She has a specialist for autism, PTSD/Anxiety, we are going to a Sex Therapist for marriage counseling and the obvious, and I have a therapist for understanding more about autism and how to deal with everything changing overnight for us...All of the therapists have training in Autism).

Some background on my wife is she was emotionally abused by both parents growing up. She went straight from that environment into being in a relationship/marriage for a total of 10 years. This guy abused her in every way you can imagine. Physically beat her, every other word emotional abuse, restricting her from finding help even through church, he got heavily drunk every night which in turn almost every night he raped her, he restricted her from not seeing any friends, and in the end of the marriage cheated on her but forced her to be raped by a friend of his so he could prove she cheated on him first. After she left him (age 30), she moved back into her parents house and wanted to go to a therapist but her parents convinced her not to go.

Take all that in then read this next part>
So up until she met me she has spent her entire life building coping mechanisms to survive abusive relationships. Basically this means that she did her best to hide all of her "flaws" (autistic tendencies) from everyone in her life. She met me 2 years later in 2014. All I saw was a shell shocked woman who didn't know how to even speak to me. After she told me her life story I didn't question anything because everything she has been through for a NT it is still common for someone to act the way she did with me in the beginning. I spent 2 years helping her come out of her shell and learn to be loved, truly loved for the first time in her life. During this time I was helping her through the stress of 2 bad job situations among everything else.

When we got married, I confronted her mom and dad about constantly lying to her about her brother and constantly belittling her. Her dad quickly escalated the conversation and after we left that night, we were told later, her dad sat in his chair with his gun in his hand contemplating whether or not he was going to drive to the hotel to kill me and kill himself after. We told them we didn't want to speak with them for a while. After that she had a new job and she also had difficulty with the manager at that job as well. We went back to every day calming her down because everyday was bad. Due to her previous marriage one of her coping mechanisms with this was getting drunk. It took me 3 years to convince her to stop drinking for me but I finally did.

Take all that in then read this next part>
After we got married I started to realize that she took the time to make me happy/take care of me about 10% of the amount that I did for her. I love everything about my wife. I do not love her autism. I understand how difficult this is for her in dealing with the news that she is autistic. It is way more challenging for her. I understand that. After I realized that I wasn't being taken care of we went to therapists. When we received the diagnosis we changed therapists to ones qualified to help. My wife doesn't just struggle with the normal struggles of autism she also struggles with PTSD and anxiety. We know what needs to be done in our marriage to help both the marriage succeed. I know how much my wife has changed since I first met her. I know how this is a work in progress and how this is something I need to get used to. I am fine with that. I am worried that I will spend the next 20 years helping her and I will have lost who I am completely. I know people change but I would feel like I gave up on myself to take care of her. I understand that I love her and I understand how much she needs me.

I do not know how to be okay with waiting. We talk everyday, and she writes down most of what we say and we even go over it again after we talk. When we are arguing or fighting we text/message each other. She constantly says she is going to fix what we talk about and has a strong desire to do so. She either forgets, or doesn't remind herself. She doesn't want to be autistic. She is still having a tough time accepting that she is.

I do not know if I am writing to just tell our story and talk about it. Or if I am writing to ask your opinion on do you think it is possible for someone who is autistic and has been through as much as my wife has to relearn new coping mechanisms and learn how to be there for me when she has spent her whole life trying to avoid being in all the emotional/physical positions/situations she is with me because in the past it always meant she was going to be hurt? I know that NT people who go through everything she has gone through can take a long time to get over all of that even with therapy and medication. Sometimes they never get over it. It feels like most of the time her Autism causes her to process/work through something at about 20% when compared to the way someone who is NT would.

Another one of my fears is let's say there are 8 things I need her to relearn new ways to deal with them in our relationship (compared to how she used to deal with them in her past). Let's say she does in fact relearn them. Can she be able to pick up on those 8 things as they happen? Or will her autism only allow her to pick up on them if she was focused and trying to find them? Because if she had a stressed out/emotional day and comes home and I take care her to calm her down I never see her be able to look past what she is feeling to think about how my day was or what our needs are in our marriage on that particular day.

I could go on and on but I think this will get the conversation started and I could explain more as you ask questions. I am open to opinions, thoughts, questions, etc.

That's sad! I'm sorry to read she suffered so much, I can relate on some length, all the best!

 

[TylerNT]

I have an opposite stance on this, and not so positive, as I feel your needs are being overlooked, and I sense you are not happy or fulfilled by not only the words you said, but from what you did not say, too. Love is different than happiness. People can love someone but still be miserable. I hope you both can find fulfillment for the sake of the marriage.

First, I would like to say that is a really tough situation for you both. Although it looks like your wife has suffered so much from that ex husband and her parents, I feel you obviously are going through much stres and anxiety, and a host of other overwhelming emotions and feelings too, and as as you likely feel confused at what to do and helpless.

I just am not sure from what you wrote though if Autism is the main issue to be really concerned with. It is not only your needs, but the trauma that she faced from her parents and that ex, and her other signs and symptoms from possibly those other two conditions, the PTSD and ADD, that seem to possibly be the issues affecting the relationship more. The Autism, if she really has that, could be just a scapegoat for the other behaviors and issues that seem from other causes.

I think you are in a very difficult situation, as you seem to desire and need more from life despite that love for your wife, because of any one sided efforts, and from dealing with all that daily stess and anxiety that you seem to have not caused, and from all your sacrifices you have made, but you seem to fear also moving on, as you feel maybe trapped because of her many needs and as she may be unable to care properly for herself. You seem like the very caring guy who believes in commitment, but I feel you are hoping for more too, and you seem worried and rightly so about your future.

It is good that your wife is receiving therapy, but hopefully the focus is just as much on the ptsd and ADD. No 8-step plan to help is going to work if she has unresolved and untreated severe daily stress and anxiety from that past traumatizing negative environmental conditioning, and if her attention and concentration is scattered and she does not prioritize relationship things, or put forth the efforts, and if under duress in your relationship she chooses to flee instead of work through those issues. I do not recommend either of you to see her parents again though, as they contributed to much of her situation, and based on how awful and dangerous they seem to be.

In this society, there are tons of relationships like yours where the one spouse is often doing almost everything, because of the other person's numerous issues and needs, even if those were by no fault though of their own. That is unfortunate, and I wish there was an easy answer, as many of those relationships fail. I just think right now you seem to be taking on way too much, and seem to be appreciated too little. Your so many efforts are to be commended, but I hope things improve for your wife, sooner than later, for your sake, too. Or it will be natural to start focusing on yourself, too.

The good thing is I am verbally appreciated a lot. She knows how to give me affirmation all the time. However, the problem is with turning verbal appreciation into action appreciation. I do not expect a lot, I know how long it takes for her to learn something that will benefit us in our relationship. The problem is I am so much different then anything she has ever dealt with. She doesn't naturally want to think about my needs. If she learned something to help us, she does not always know when to put what she learned into action, because she is still not used to needing to do something like that without doing it for her own safety. Meaning most of the coping mechanisms she learned was learned because she didn't want to get yelled at, or beaten.
I know that she has Autism because of how it fits so well in explaining everything, and because of the diagnosis. I also know that she has PTSD, has high anxiety and her ADD does add a lot to everything. It is the combination of everything that makes this so difficult. She does have a therapist specifically for anxiety and PTSD. I know that I need to learn about how to take care of myself in this marriage. I need to and am trying to learn what that means.

 

[TylerNT]

I can see where you would get tired of not having your needs met in any relationship. I am hoping you can hold on long enough for her to get enough better to reciprocate your good care of her. It is understandable if you find at some point that you can not give any more and have to stop. I do not agree that she may never be able to improve enough for your needs, though.

I am also hoping for this as well. I know that she has improved so much since we first met. And after diagnosis and going to therapy she is definitely improving now as well. I guess I worry about will she be able to ever be perceptive all the time. There are times that she is perceptive of what I need and she will do something I have said would be helpful, but then most of the time it feels like she doesn't even see what is going on in my life. I completely understand just how much she is processing through information in her head about her day, about what she has to do for work. I never mentioned but she is a Special Ed teacher. This means she has grading, and lesson plans that she is working on every night. This means that her mind is always moving away from me because she has to focus on what she needs to get done or process. As I said, I completely understand this. She is able to be perceptive only when she has nothing going on and we have had a conversation about being perceptive within the last couple days. I am not asking for her to be perceptive when she is working. But when she gets done with everything and I have dinner made most of the time she doesn't even think to ask how my day was. How to reign in her thoughts to focus on me and be perceptive to my needs.

 

[TylerNT]

I see this as almost like a caregiver that is standing by the one they love. Some can be happy with themselves and still be able to give the great amount that is needed while others can't.

My whole life was dedicated to being a caregiver to one I loved for 7 yrs. And I would have continued forever as I could still be myself and I knew the person would never stop loving me or caring even though dementia caused a problem with being able to give what I wanted back to me towards the end. I still was me. I didn't feel I lost myself. And the only thing I needed was to know I was loved even though their disability might prevent it from being apparent most of the time.

Being an older ASD that never knew how other types of relationships I knew I had two choices.
Be happy that I was loved truly with a love I could trust and just knowing that got me through some very difficult times or be alone even if in another relationship because I can't trust in another's love to be there what ever difficulties I have from HFA. ( like the questions you are asking of yourself).

I made this a bit vague in an attempt to help you look at how you really feel. You love her, but, can you know 100% you can be happy living this way if she is unable to ever give back more than she is able? More than what you would like to see?
Just something to deepley contemplate IMO because she may grow, but no one knows the timeline, and what if she doesn't ?
It really comes down to an in depth what we want and need decision. And we all have different desires and needs.

I am still learning what my needs are versus what I want. I know that I do not want to be a caregiver. That is not something I want right now in my life. I do not feel like a caregiver to her. I know that I want to be with her. I want to make this work. For a long time I have not been happy when I go to bed each night. I want to be happy again and I want my wife to help me feel happy.

 

[TylerNT]

As a female aspie who has gone through similar to your wife, one thing that I have learned and now, have to deal with, is that one should NEVER enter a marriage when huge issues like your wife and I have experienced.

Marriage should be based on mutal love and respect and taking care of each other's needs, but it is just not possible when the marriage is based on a different reality.

My husband, like yourself, married me out of pity and to be my savior, and love) but did not reckon for a woman to grow in her marriage and find some of his "savior" methods to be crushing and thus, she fights back, because she is not a no, sir, etc.

Just to pick up on a point: I love everything about her. I do not love her autism. That shows you consider they are separate from each other, but they are not. Just like an NT. Being "normal" is not separate from the person. And I feel that once you grasp that, you will be able to deal with the situation better.

You say that she has learned a lot; but it seems you want your 100% and not accepting her verson of 100%.

What you do not want to achieve is that she starts viewing you as her enemy, rather than her savior.

You really cannot expect a broken person to be unselfish. You need to help that unbroken person to raise up and be renewed, before she is able to think beyond herself.

My husband is unable to do this. After 26 years, he talks to me as though I was an ignorant child and does not welcome any form of intelligence coming from me, because he sees it as a reflection on himself.

When she is going through a meltdown, the best thing to do is leave her alone; do not talk to her and tell her how childish she is etc; just say: I love you and am here for you and walk away. She will calm down on her own.

We are not able to cope with emotions and so, rather be alone to cogitate on what is going on.

I would like to start with in saying that I completely understand that autism is not separate from her. They are one in the same. My reasoning for saying it that way is because I did not even know about her autism until 4 months ago. Ever since we started going to therapists and we are trying to remove a lot of her bad ways of coping with the world around her. She has started to show more signs of autism. This has been awesome actually because it has helped is figure out where we went wrong so many times in our relationship by acting the way we did on any particular situation. What it also did was help me realize that its not just her getting over her PTSD and helping her to control her anxiety, but it is also that some situations that I struggle with cannot be changed. All I saying is this is not something I am used to yet. I am learning. The reason I am on this site is because I want to learn how to accept the situation we are in and grow as an individual.
Her 100% is a lot for her even if that means that all she was able to do was say I love you as she rolls over in bed. I understand completely where she is at and I am not expecting her to change that. However, I know there are times she is not giving her 100%. Like this last Saturday she was reading a book, I asked face to face if she could help do the dishes before I get back so we can tackle the clothes together. She said yes. When I got back was not reading her book anymore and now was watching TV and none of the dishes were done. I get it that we all have issues. I have ADD myself and I know that I forget from time to time and get distracted with something. What I am saying though is this a very common thing in our house. Her doing that was not giving her 100% to me. I am just using this situation as an example, not as a "look at my life!" type of thing. I know she can do better, and she tells me all the time that she wants to and can get better. I know that she is broken and I know that she needs to read and watch TV sometimes just like the rest of us. But I also know that we need to be there for each other just like any other couple does. Sometimes that means that I let her read and watch TV even though I asked her to help me with something. And I do that something to surprise her without her knowing. But sometimes I need her to help.
I definitely do not talk to her as though she is an ignorant child. I love my wife and show her the respect she deserves every day. I am not stopping being who I am just because I found out she has autism. All I am saying is a while ago I realized I wasn't happy. I want to feel happy again.
Honestly when she is having a meltdown I just hold her and tell her everything will be okay. She is well taken care of. I am not angry at her for all of this. I am only trying to learn how to accept the situation and learn more about what she is capable of and not capable of. I would like to say that I am sorry your husband says those things to you. No one deserves to be talked to like that.

 

[TylerNT]

Welcome to AF/AC I'm nonplused
I wonder what a vile term (battered women's home )could come up with
All we have in the uk is child line which would work for her ex as he's probably a product of his family it's a children's charity with a uk free phone number .

I wish I knew what you were trying to say. I am not understanding. I am sorry. Could you rephrase what you wrote?