• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Abuse or Misunderstanding?

Soup said:
@ Kaygee: Now that you've updated with the details, I'm leaning towards Dizzy's opinion on things. Although she may become more obnoxious after drinking, the alcohol is no more to blame than it is in drunk driving or other cases involving it. Unless someone held her down & poured the booze down her throat, she made the choice to drink. Since she's done it several times, she knows she becomes an abusive mean drunk. The drinking becomes a part of the pattern but the person remains at fault because they chose to get drunk.

As for getting a bed or other essentials, since you are employed, this poses no real challenge. You can order these things from local places online & they'll deliver & install them in your place. Although the idea of being alone seem daunting to you, living without someone undermining you & never having to fear the hurt someone's cruel tongue will cause you & never having 'home' be a place of shame & humiliation again are priceless.

Many women who leave abusive people too are terrified of what the change will mean but you know for sure that if you remain where you are, you will live your life out feeling ashamed & maltreated. Is that what you want?
Click to expand...

It isn't what I want, but it's a big change....and me + change = AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I know, sometimes you just "gotta do it", but it will be a very difficult thing. I called a shelter for battered husbands and if I get kicked out, I can stay there for a bit until I get on my feet and get a place. It'll just be quiet without and TV or furniture for a while, lol.

Undiagnosed said:
I'm glad to know you have a good job Kaygee. You will be fine! I say keep on being stuborn. Keep standing up to her! Unless you just want to get it over with and walk out. Do you have somewhere you could stay untill u get set up on your own?

From what I have gethered so far. ..... You have a job. You work out so you abviousley take care of yourself and are no slob. You make supper. That's more than a lot of men do to contribute to the household duties. You treat her well? true? You don't cheat, lie, run around acting crazy etc? You don't abuse her with words or physicaly. Hey if this is true sounds like she should apreciate haveing you as a partner. Lot of women can't say as much! And if this falls apart you will find someone else for you. There are plenty of 'fish' in the ssee of singles! A lot of women would consider themselfes lucky to find such a man.

I am not the counsiling profesional here (Arashi is) but after what you have siad I would not go to couples counselig with her becouse you already expect to have to come home and fight or defend whatever would be said. If you go to counseling I would go for yourself without her. You will need to get some confidance about yourself no matter if you stay with her or move on otherwise you will end up in another relationship with similar problems. From what I have learned here I would say the only thing wrong with you is that you have never learned that you are loveable the way you are, and that is a shame.

I just think she is takeing advantage of your low self esteem and useing it to 'keep' you in her controle. This post is realy bothering me! I realy hope you make a change.
Click to expand...

She works in retail so I do the cooking and the laundry and make dinner, etc. I would never call her names because I know how bad it hurts...why would I want to inflict such pain on another?

I already do see a psychiatrist....my wife told me two years ago that if I didn't see one (this was pre-diagnosis) that she was going to kick me out. I see her about 10 times a year. They are good sessions and I have learned a lot (especially the AS diagnosis) by going to them.

Plus, without the Xanax she prescribes me, I probably would have jumped out of a window by now, lol. My psychiatrist says the same thing though, Undiagnosed....not many women have a husband that would do all of the things that I do...plus I take care of myself......it's like role reversal here......when I called the abuse hotline to get the men's shelter number, it's almost like all of the scripts they read to try to get more information out of you during the phone call are geared more towards women being abused by men. I know it is more common, but men do get abused as well.......some just take it better than others and some keep quiet about it.

Talking to you all really helps. Thank you!
 
Last edited by a moderator:
I understand what you are saying about change. It is scary and not easy! Mabey if you end up at the men's shelter some of the men will give you some good suport too. And you always have us here too. I am fairley new here and I have found the prople here super suportive like nothing I'v ever known.
 
Hi. I see you have a good job, you probably have medical insurance. Can you afford to see you psychiatrist more often so you can come up with a plan how to improve the situation. If it's been going on for quite a while and you've been seeing your psy for quite a while as well then it's time to get stuff done. Issues you're having are not necessarily only Aspergers related. But what you might not have learned due to Aspergers or not is how to set boundaries of respect, things like that. If she's bi-polar (that's what you've mentioned right) that might be tough to deal with but not impossible, the main thing you have to learn how to respect yourself (some people might not even sure what respect is) and how to set boundaries, what are your limits are, what her limits are, is there a way to compromise or not. You really have to discuss it seriously with your psy and get it solved, trust me people on the spectrum need a plan, not endless talk about feelings and thoughts. You need a clear plan what to do and do it, if the plan doesn't work, try another one. This is the only way how you can help yourself and your situation. Just one question. Are there any good days with your wife?
 
You took the words right out of my mouth. This forum is amazing in the way people come rushing in from all over the planet with ideas, support, suggestions & encouragement. Those in the NT world who think Aspies lack empathy are misguided & we're the proof of it. We may suck at fake 'social nicety' empathy in a can, but the culture does value empathy & expresses it in different ways.

It's great that you found a shelter for abused men. There are some of them here too & more guys who are in a bad way are using them to get help. A boss I had years ago was being destroyed by his abusive wife: she was a screeching batterer who often appeared drunk BUT I never saw her with alcohol. She had been beautiful once but as her looks faded, she's become this jealous, enraged, mean harridan. It took a lot of courage for this man to leave her & gain custody of both teen kids. In those days, fathers here rarely got full custody. Anyhow, he met someone new, remarried & his life changed drastically for the better.
 
epath13 said:
Hi. I see you have a good job, you probably have medical insurance. Can you afford to see you psychiatrist more often so you can come up with a plan how to improve the situation. If it's been going on for quite a while and you've been seeing your psy for quite a while as well then it's time to get stuff done. Issues you're having are not necessarily only Aspergers related. But what you might not have learned due to Aspergers or not is how to set boundaries of respect, things like that. If she's bi-polar (that's what you've mentioned right) that might be tough to deal with but not impossible, the main thing you have to learn how to respect yourself (some people might not even sure what respect is) and how to set boundaries, what are your limits are, what her limits are, is there a way to compromise or not. You really have to discuss it seriously with your psy and get it solved, trust me people on the spectrum need a plan, not endless talk about feelings and thoughts. You need a clear plan what to do and do it, if the plan doesn't work, try another one. This is the only way how you can help yourself and your situation. Just one question. Are there any good days with your wife?
Click to expand...
To answer your last question first: Yes. There are.

I do have health insurance, but right now, thru my wife's job because her's is better. (I hate you Obama) If I leave, I would have to go back on my company's insurance and I would no longer be able to afford to see the psychiatrist.

Seeing her will not help. I do see what you are saying...a plan IS needed! However, my Psychiatrist has a way of making me figure out my own issues and my own problems. She is not going to set a plan with me.

Is there a way to compromise with my wife? I am finding that out.
 
Kaygee said:
I thought I was talking to all men here..........
Click to expand...

sorry if your dispaointed that were not men. I am female, and soup, dizzy, arashe...... in my opinion It's good to have female point of weiw but also good to have male veiws too, especialy on relationship issues.
 
If you stand your ground you will soon see if there is any compromiseing. She will either just say to hell with it and tell yo to get out or she will begin to listen.
 
Lol yeah most of the people posting on this thread are female I believe...including me...
Regardless of that, when females side with the male it often indicates a serious problem.
 
I just read everywhere that Asperger's is so much more common in men than women, that I didn't expect there to be any women on these boards. It's not a bad thing at all, I am just very surprised.
 
Hi Kaygee,

I am a male Aspie who's been married for nearly 14 years. My heart goes out to you as your situation sounds truly awful. My marriage has been far from smooth but thankfully I have never been subjected to that kind of name calling and what I would consider to be abuse. I would advise you to try to establish some boundaries if possible and to be prepared to leave if things don't improve as it's not healthy for you to remain in an abusive relationship.

I was diagnosed just a few years ago and my wife was initially very supportive. The diagnosis brought our marriage back from the brink of disaster at the time but I have to be honest and tell you that we are now closed to separating again. I know that my wife loves me but she just finds me very difficult to live with and seems to be less and less prepared to accept me for who I am.

Her biggest gripe is that I just don't talk to her. What she means is that I don't speak to her for long enough and in the way that she wants to speak. Do other Aspies not talk enough too?
 
@ Jesse: Welcome to the forum! I missed your intro, I think. I'm an Aspie married to one. He too is not a jabberer. Since I'm not one either, I'm darned glad he's like this. Marriage comes with some very unrealistic expectations in the west. Many NT woman expect the guy to be a 'soul mate' a romantic Casanova, a best friend & a shopping buddy. In other places, female friends, relatives & sisters in law play these roles. Many NT women seem to value someone who truly understands what is in their deepest & innermost heart & can feel like they're not being heard, cared about & listened to if the husband cannot be 'Oprah'. For an Aspie guy, this must be excruciating!

@Kaygee: Yep! there are many Aspie women here. The good thing is that we have that logical, sensible, analytic temperament too & are pretty good at shining a light of cool analytic logic on situations affecting members of the community. I've never seen anyone by default side with or against anyone just because the person was like themselves in some way (same sex, religion, class, race & other bias). Unfair treatment is what it is regardless of who it affects.

We also tend to be more helpful, supportive & empathetic than we are reputed to be in the NT literature. We just show it differently. Another plus: it is sincere. Anyone who others to respond to a HELP thread really wants to help.
 
Jesse said:
Hi Kaygee,

I am a male Aspie who's been married for nearly 14 years. My heart goes out to you as your situation sounds truly awful. My marriage has been far from smooth but thankfully I have never been subjected to that kind of name calling and what I would consider to be abuse. I would advise you to try to establish some boundaries if possible and to be prepared to leave if things don't improve as it's not healthy for you to remain in an abusive relationship.

I was diagnosed just a few years ago and my wife was initially very supportive. The diagnosis brought our marriage back from the brink of disaster at the time but I have to be honest and tell you that we are now closed to separating again. I know that my wife loves me but she just finds me very difficult to live with and seems to be less and less prepared to accept me for who I am.

Her biggest gripe is that I just don't talk to her. What she means is that I don't speak to her for long enough and in the way that she wants to speak. Do other Aspies not talk enough too?
Click to expand...
I don't talk often, but like most Aspies, if I get started on a subject that I love, it is hard to stop. Almost no one wants to hear even half of what I want to say! But most people consider me pretty reserved, and it's true. My partner is fine with it, thank goodness.
 
If she started treating you differently when you got a diagnosis, she's the one who has a problem. It's not like you have changed ? it's just that you have gotten a name for what you have. Blaming you for her behavior toward you definitely makes it sound like abuse to me.
 
Kaygee said:
Hi everyone,

I am 39 years old and was just diagnosed with Asperger's in July of 2012. I have been with my wife since 2007, and, as everyone always knew, there was something "different" about me.

As stated, I am only six months or so into my diagnosis, which was a weight lifted off of my shoulders because everything started to make sense.

However, my wife gets angry and calls me names like "idiot" and "retard" and "moron" and asks if me if I'm "F'n stupid" and when I do some things that may not make sense to her, like, for example, when I have to have my sunglasses when I leave the house, or I have to know that the electric bill is going to be paid or if I get out of the car to check to make sure that the door is locked one more time...

Or if my Sunday which was comprised of:

Waking up
Breakfast
Laundry
Lunch
Laundry
Work Out
Make Dinner
Shower
Bed

Is suddenly upset because she wants me to go with her to the store, which makes me react in a negative fashion, such as arguing. I'll do it, after I think about it, but my first reaction to the sudden change in my plans is like a hissy fit! Or if we are out and I start rambling on and talking and everyone wants me to shut up, but, being me, I don't notice and act "weird" because I continue to talk.

Things like this anyway, for example.

Usually she is fine again in like ten minutes, which leads me to believe she either comes to the understanding of how I am, or she is bi-polar. She will NOT get diagnosed for being bi-polar though, so hopefully that is not the problem.

Now I know my condition must be rough on her. Having to deal with me and all my of my issues probably wanes on her patience. But is what she doing a reaction to that, or is she mentally abusing me? I have asked her to stop, but she continues to state that I make her call her those names because of the things that I do.

Thank you!
Click to expand...

Take two people. They're standing facing one another. One person complains about the other person who in turn gets upset. Now take a piece of sound-proof glass and place it between those two people. The same happens again - one person complains about the other person but this time that other person doesn't hear. The first person is still saying it but the second person isn't getting upset.

Take a step back and see that your partner may well be like that to anyone. Switch the second person in the above scenario for a third person and still the first person might be saying the same as before - there is simply no telling why your partner is reacting like she is.

Try not to take it personally and given you're the one in the firing line every time she gets angry you owe it to yourself to communicate your feelings to her otherwise the relationship will suffer. No one deserves that kind of response from a partner. If you simply say nothing and take it then you pay yourself no favours. You are the one who can change how she treats you. You are the one who can end the relationship if it doesn't stop.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

New Threads

Top Bottom