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Abuse or Misunderstanding?

K

Kaygee

Well-Known Member
Hi everyone,

I am 39 years old and was just diagnosed with Asperger's in July of 2012. I have been with my wife since 2007, and, as everyone always knew, there was something "different" about me.

As stated, I am only six months or so into my diagnosis, which was a weight lifted off of my shoulders because everything started to make sense.

However, my wife gets angry and calls me names like "idiot" and "retard" and "moron" and asks if me if I'm "F'n stupid" and when I do some things that may not make sense to her, like, for example, when I have to have my sunglasses when I leave the house, or I have to know that the electric bill is going to be paid or if I get out of the car to check to make sure that the door is locked one more time...

Or if my Sunday which was comprised of:

Waking up
Breakfast
Laundry
Lunch
Laundry
Work Out
Make Dinner
Shower
Bed

Is suddenly upset because she wants me to go with her to the store, which makes me react in a negative fashion, such as arguing. I'll do it, after I think about it, but my first reaction to the sudden change in my plans is like a hissy fit! Or if we are out and I start rambling on and talking and everyone wants me to shut up, but, being me, I don't notice and act "weird" because I continue to talk.

Things like this anyway, for example.

Usually she is fine again in like ten minutes, which leads me to believe she either comes to the understanding of how I am, or she is bi-polar. She will NOT get diagnosed for being bi-polar though, so hopefully that is not the problem.

Now I know my condition must be rough on her. Having to deal with me and all my of my issues probably wanes on her patience. But is what she doing a reaction to that, or is she mentally abusing me? I have asked her to stop, but she continues to state that I make her call her those names because of the things that I do.

Thank you!
 
Hi. First of all congrats on your diagnosis. Second of all it might be time to have a sit down conversation with your wife about how what she says affects you. It may not yet be abuse but it seems to me that it is hurting your mental well being and maybe it is her reaction to having to deal with it but that is still not ok. Talk to her about how what she does hurts you give specific examples to her of what it does to you and what she says that does that. People with AS often through as you put it a hissy fit if their routine is changed its called a meltdown. No one ever deserves to be called names for any reason.

Maybe seek couples counseling or even bring her in to a session of your own so that it can be a conversation in a safe place for you. Just a few thoughts.
 
The only thing I can add to what Arashi said is that whether it turn out to be a misunderstanding, a disorder that she has but is in denial of, or abuse, it is unacceptable. Many Aspies have a tough time (like other people) setting & enforcing boundaries. When she calls you a pejorative name or insults you, the world has to stop right then & there. Much like with a child who suddenly strikes a parent or behaves inappropriately, a parent must stop whatever was going on & address the problem. I don't mean for you to throw a fit, retaliate or make a loud scene...just don't let the name calling sit.
 
I appreciate the replies. The problem is, I am not very confrontational. She kind of knows this. I will stepping waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay out of my comfort zone if i were to attempt to "stop" her from calling me names when she starts to do it.

Counseling is a nice idea, however, I have bad experiences lurking in my mind from it. I remember when I used to go with my mother.......whatever I said in session, I was beat for when I got home. So eventually, I just stopped telling the counselor what was wrong....she thought everything was fixed......viola...she was a genius.

I know I am being negative, but I think the same thing will happen here....of course, I won't get beaten, but whatever happens in the counseling session will come home and become a bigger issue.

I don't know.....this sucks.......thank you for your advice and taking the time to respond though.
 
It does sound sucky. Just a wild guess...could it be that your prior experiences with tolerating maltreatment have affected your ability to speak up for yourself when it comes to this name-calling? Often people who were maltreated go on to date & marry partners who continue the destructive patterns because this sort of dysfunction has become a sort of familiar 'comfort zone' whereas speaking up feels risky? She may not realize just how upsetting this name-calling is for you. Once she becomes aware of it then, she should stop. If it persists afterwards, then you know it is intentional.
 
I don't recommend a conversation or counseling - I recommend a nice ole' divorce.

I understand that being close to someone can make it hard to see that abuse is abuse - and this is abuse - but at one point, now or later, you are going to stand back and look at your life and realize you're unhappy and that this person you married is not going to change to fit around your diagnosis.
She may be fine in ten minutes, but how long does the pain for YOU last when she's all better? This is mental and emotional abuse from what you have written here; I'm not am advocate of sitting around to see if the other person gets "better" or not, because believe ME, they do not.
 
Sounds like she dose know the names bother you. she blambes YOU for Makeing her call you names so she has to know. I recomend that you find a way to step out of your comfort zone and stand up for yourself like you have never done before. I think if she dose love you she will find a new respect for you that she dosn't have right now. Dont wine or beat arond the bush. Dont ask her for what you want. Find the man who is barried deep down inside you and let him come out. Stand up and let her under no uncertain terms what you will and will not accept from her. She realy probably wants to see that stronger side of you even if she dosn't know it yet.
 
Kaygee said:
I appreciate the replies. The problem is, I am not very confrontational. She kind of knows this. I will stepping waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay out of my comfort zone if i were to attempt to "stop" her from calling me names when she starts to do it.

Counseling is a nice idea, however, I have bad experiences lurking in my mind from it. I remember when I used to go with my mother.......whatever I said in session, I was beat for when I got home. So eventually, I just stopped telling the counselor what was wrong....she thought everything was fixed......viola...she was a genius.

I know I am being negative, but I think the same thing will happen here....of course, I won't get beaten, but whatever happens in the counseling session will come home and become a bigger issue.

I don't know.....this sucks.......thank you for your advice and taking the time to respond though.
Click to expand...

I am sorry you had a bad experience as a kid with counseling because of your mom. But one you are an adult now. You have the ability to go into a safe environment with a therapist and talk to her about this. I would also recommend that you deal with your issues from the past as they are going to color what is going on now. I don't know if divorce is right for you or getting out of the relationship. But I do think that something needs to change and you need to figure out how to stick up for youself enough not a lot to say no more. You can't let this person control you that is abuse just like name calling. I mean name calling in a joking way can be fine but this doesn't sound like that kind of name calling. Not all therapists are the same either. I really suggest you find someone that you feel safe with. Cause this isn't going to change unless you make steps to change it.
 
I just wanted to add Kaygee in case you are unsure... You are Not Stupid or an idiot and your ways are your ways and thats OK. And for your wife or anyone else to call you anything mean is not your fault becouse your ways are 'difficult' to deal with. No it is her that's being that way not you that's makeing her act that way. Another perrson might find their aspie partners traits uniquely them and love them for the way they are. You deservie to be loved exactley the way you are.
 
I cannot thank you all enough for the warm reception and thoughtful advice. Thank you so very much!
 
I will! I value everyone's advice and time. So many people willing to reach out and help someone that they don't even know, it's amazing to me!
The way things are going, things will probably not end well. I have already reached out to a men's abuse center....never knew they had them.....so I have their number and location if I get kicked out or if I cannot take the name calling and such anymore.

Thanks again.
 
Well, as I foreseen, it didn't take long for things to get "heated". She was out drinking with her friend and she came home acting like a nut. Jumping around and such. Her fifteen year old son and myself were eating and she called me a loser and stated that no one likes me and she got stuck with me and she married me because she felt sorry for me. I told her, for the first time, to stop calling me names, firmly.....she just fired back by calling a loser again and stating that I have no balls and no one likes me and such.

Even her son said she needs to chill out because she was being mean. She just told him that I deserve it.

Yeah, this is pretty bad, now that I see myself typing it. I'm in trouble. :(

I find it stunning how alcohol affects someone. Why would anyone purposely go out and drink alcohol to the point where they cannot even control themselves, drive home, insult and degrade your husband and then pass out on the couch?

.......and I'M the one that has an issue?
 
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Kaygee I had a bf before that said those same things to me. He got stuck with me, he was the first fool to coma along... stuff like that. Then he would be nice and lovie and say he never meant the things he said and I'm the best thing ever happened to him. Then another time for no known reason he would get mean again. I couldn't take it. I leaft him.

So why is it that you are in trouble? You afraid she will kick you out? Are you ready for that? If your gonna do this you have to be ready to face that if that's what it comes to.
 
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Oh I know she is going to kick me out! The house is in her mother's name and she reminds me of that every time we get into an argument when she tells me to get out. I am in trouble because I am starting rto realize how badly I am treated, but yet, how stuck I am. Living on my own would be rough, especially at first, as I do not even own a bed or a TV.
 
Kaygee said:
Oh I know she is going to kick me out! The house is in her mother's name and she reminds me of that every time we get into an argument when she tells me to get out. I am in trouble because I am starting rto realize how badly I am treated, but yet, how stuck I am. Living on my own would be rough, especially at first, as I do not even own a bed or a TV.
Click to expand...

Do you have a job? or income?
 
@ Kaygee: Now that you've updated with the details, I'm leaning towards Dizzy's opinion on things. Although she may become more obnoxious after drinking, the alcohol is no more to blame than it is in drunk driving or other cases involving it. Unless someone held her down & poured the booze down her throat, she made the choice to drink. Since she's done it several times, she knows she becomes an abusive mean drunk. The drinking becomes a part of the pattern but the person remains at fault because they chose to get drunk.

As for getting a bed or other essentials, since you are employed, this poses no real challenge. You can order these things from local places online & they'll deliver & install them in your place. Although the idea of being alone seem daunting to you, living without someone undermining you & never having to fear the hurt someone's cruel tongue will cause you & never having 'home' be a place of shame & humiliation again are priceless.

Many women who leave abusive people too are terrified of what the change will mean but you know for sure that if you remain where you are, you will live your life out feeling ashamed & maltreated. Is that what you want?
 
I'm glad to know you have a good job Kaygee. You will be fine! I say keep on being stuborn. Keep standing up to her! Unless you just want to get it over with and walk out. Do you have somewhere you could stay untill u get set up on your own?

From what I have gethered so far. ..... You have a job. You work out so you abviousley take care of yourself and are no slob. You make supper. That's more than a lot of men do to contribute to the household duties. You treat her well? true? You don't cheat, lie, run around acting crazy etc? You don't abuse her with words or physicaly. Hey if this is true sounds like she should apreciate haveing you as a partner. Lot of women can't say as much! And if this falls apart you will find someone else for you. There are plenty of 'fish' in the ssee of singles! A lot of women would consider themselfes lucky to find such a man.

I am not the counsiling profesional here (Arashi is) but after what you have siad I would not go to couples counselig with her becouse you already expect to have to come home and fight or defend whatever would be said. If you go to counseling I would go for yourself without her. You will need to get some confidance about yourself no matter if you stay with her or move on otherwise you will end up in another relationship with similar problems. From what I have learned here I would say the only thing wrong with you is that you have never learned that you are loveable the way you are, and that is a shame.

I just think she is takeing advantage of your low self esteem and useing it to 'keep' you in her controle. This post is realy bothering me! I realy hope you make a change.
 
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