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I’m learning to plan my days with a better internal locus of control by giving myself options then asking Ziggy (aka Alexa) to pick a number to decide which option I pick. Here are the options:
Sunny Day Plans:
1. Rollerskate
2. Basketball
3. Long walk
Rainy Day Plans:
1. Draw
2. Write a poem...
No one ever helps no one can see how much difficulty i am having. I cannot do this anymore. I can't live with the fear of not being able to find another job. I thought i could make it without working but i developed ocd and life was hell with it. I need something to distract me but this job is...
Does anyone else have an unusual fear of water like me? I also fear sponges because they stink and it’s like I can feel the little bacteria critters and mold and mildew seeping into my pores when I touch it. I use yellow rubber gloves to touch sponges but the gloves also have a bad smell that I...
I had a meltdown when I was in an airport overnight waiting for the next days flight. I remember feeling fine one minute then completely lost and afraid the next and in the moment I didn’t even realize I was banging my head on the glass because my meltdown had escalated past logic. The cops took...
2-5-24
I remember being in this big assembly room and I was sitting with my classmates when this girl that was really pretty came to sit next to me. I remember telling her that no one would like her if she liked me and that it was ok because she didn’t have to be my friend. I understood back...
2-4-24
I have the hardest time sitting through a movie especially before dark. I end up pausing it to pace my room or call someone. I didn’t go to church today because I still don’t feel emotionally adjusted after my break in routine. Interesting how one break in routine leads to a domino...
2-2-24
I can’t seem to plan my day the day of…only in advance and since I didn’t plan today I can’t motivate myself to get out of bed.
2-1-24
Since I changed my routine by cancelling all my plans today I shutdown completely and slept all day and didn’t feel like listening to music or watching a movie. It’s 5:49pm now so I’m going to force myself to watch a movie and invite over a friend to make my dinner because I really can’t...
2-1-24
I woke up wanting to go back to sleep. Why do I always get up at 7am? I stayed up til midnight watching a movie called Let There Be Light on Prime Freevee. Also the sun wasn’t coming in the windows and the room wasn’t the right temperature. So I turned off the fan. Then my feet felt too...
1-31-24
My test revealed that I have a hard time with sequencing and following steps. I can relate to this because I can’t cook for this reason. I have to watch someone cook and memorize what they do but it’s only good for short term memory so I lose it over and over again. Then I just always...
1-31-24
Today I decided to take the bus to church instead of my usual ride from a church member. I recently found that there was a bus that would drop me off right in front of the church if I took a bus instead of the trolley. I don’t have a car and I find the fast pace of driving to be scary...
I know the title doesn't make sense, but it pertains to my habitual desire to quit before I even begin. I've taken to calling it Quiter's Syndrome.
Though humorous labling aside. I do consider this a serious issue within myself. Though the two major points that made me break to the point of...
I am a Self-tormenter. Inflicting punishments on myself. Believing I don't deserve anything, because I will not allow myself to get over my own upbringing. I feel like the only thing I am obligated to is beratement and punishment for being who I am.
Though the worst punishment I have done to...
All my life has been one way sympathies. Me trying to respond to other people's kindness without having anything to give. I don't have worth according to them. I accept this without hating myself but being with them is hard. Their subconscious feelings affect me too hard and make me feel...
It's a 'please, don't trample the flowerbed!' continue.
We're taught not to step on flowerbeds since childhood when there's still no distinction between man-made and natural. Why should a flower inside a flowerbed be more important or beautiful than a wild one? Why should a flowerbed, bordered...
In the past i begged for people's attention and love. Faking a personality and hiding everything i am, trying to win the prize of people's tolerance. It made me hate myself all the more since i had to work hard for it, it means i am naturally defective, ugly and disgusting. I also felt guilty...
Waiting to hear from the mechanic about when he can look at the car. He said he'd check his diary today and let me know. Work has given me today off, and I have no work until Friday. That is, if I can get my car fixed by Thursday. I hope for a quick fix. I asked my folks if I could borrow their...
There are alot of factors that either are traits of my parents or cause by them being horrible people:
- My response to being suggested logical considerations, is self-deprecation.
- My response to being called out, is throwing a tantrum.
- My response to life being the way it is, is fear.
-...
Woke up feeling quite refreshed. On my drive in I felt rather positive. Later in the morning I had soke missed calls, they wanted me to change shift on Sunday and work a round in central Cambridge. I'm not keen on the traffic and one of the clients, but I said yes as there's so clients who are...
While i feel lonely sometimes, my oldest emotion is the want to be alone. Because when you are alone there is no shame. No disgusting other people and dirtying them.
When i think of the present time, this thought does not make much sense but it persists. Like all feelings i wont deny this one...