Maybe you feel like you're not being heard?
Sometimes I talk too much because I'm excited about what I'm sharing. I try very hard not to do that. (I've lost people I thought were friends that way--lesson learned.)
Lately, I'm finding that I don't talk enough. I want to be polite, to not interrupt or overtalk, so I hang back and wait. This seems to give the wrong impression that I'm too passive. Then someone else steps in and says something related to what I was going to say and, opportunity lost. Or the gap never comes. Maybe the subject gets changed so many times that what I wanted to add is no longer relevant. Often, I find that I get to hear all about what the other person is saying, but when I want to add something, suddenly the other person has to go.
So, sometimes I will overtalk, because it's important that I am heard (even if still not listened to--listening and hearing are two separate things).
I did this at the marriage counselor's. My husband had been talking for some time, the counselor was asking him questions, and when the counselor framed his question to me I found I was having to defend myself against implied presuppositions in the questions he was asking. This made my answers seem
very defensive. I would start to answer the question, then husband would find something amiss with the way I was answering (I wasn't finished), and before I knew it, they were three topics removed from the one I tried answering. But I had only answered
in part because I had only started to reject their false premise! (My viewpoint was being dismissed because, apparently, my husband's is the correct viewpoint. this happened two weeks in a row. I'm not going back.)
These might seem like minor things, but they add up. After this repeated itself several times, I kind of lost my cool. I have them an earful. (I'm also afraid I may have come off as very autistic when I did this--something I feel shameful about because I know the manner in which people are believed and not believed, and in this case, I am sure it worked against me.) I told them they weren't listening, and then said what I had wanted to say fifteen minutes earlier because it still addressed their current discussion. (I stole the floor.) I was so upset! And at this point, it sort of was like an info dump. When the counselor said, "are you done?" I took his tone as demeaning. But I think I got his point. I had said too much. Then the counselor reprimanded me for waiting until the end of the session to bring this up (this was the first time he did this). Wasn't what I had to say in direct relation to the claims being made about me? How come I couldn't I have a say in things being said about me and why wasn't this being seen as contributing--but being reframed as redirecting?
So yes, I overtalk
a lot when I am frustrated. The things that were being said around me were going to affect me, but am I not allowed to have a say in what's being said? In stealing the floor, I effectively ended the 'discussion'. Usually, I feel bad for doing this sort of thing. This case is the rare occasion where I don't.
I just want to encourage you,
@Suzanne, that maybe the entire weight of feeling out of control and shameful at overtalking shouldn't rest entirely on your shoulders. Maybe you--like me--are looking for validation that you're being heard and aren't receiving any. Maybe with a person who accepts you, you wouldn't find the need to overtalk. Or maybe the reverse is true and maybe you are comfortable with this person and so you feel comfortable to keep on talking. Whatever it may be, just remember that it takes at least two people to have a conversation. You're only one of two.
To me, it sounds like you're not being listened to. I know what that feels like. Maybe I'm wrong in thinking this and I what I've shared. Even if so, I do hope you will find for yourself the permission to be less hard on yourself.
