Your relationship status?

[Judge]

For a long time, I truely believed that I was just inherently disturbed. I know for sure I have emotions. When I love it's unconditional. I'm loyal, honest and faithful. I just don't want to be in a persons pocket. I love from a distance, with intervals of intensity. As I type this, I realise how my behaviour could be percieved as 'hot' and 'cold'.

I do need/want social interaction, but only when I can cope with it. I've been called 'selfish' and 'immature' by friends and family that I've deeply loved. The rejection causes me to cut people off, from anywhere from 6 months to 6 years. I force myself to 'un love' the people, who can't unconditionally love me.

Inwardly hidden affection toward them always remains though.

We aren't so unique after all. I guess the ultimate challenge for most any autistic person is to seek out those who have the capacity to understand us, and even more importantly those who are willing to go the extra distance to achieve that understanding.

A daunting task on a number of levels...starting with the most basic one. "Seeking out" much of anyone! Which makes me reflect on my relationships and realize that in most cases, for whatever reason or circumstances, it was really them who found me. Love, friendship, employment...it usually happened because someone else extended a hand to me. Which hasn't happened to me in a very long time now.

It's a tough thing to live with, understand and yet be so limited at times as how to improve things.

 

[LittleFiddle05]

I'm incredibly lucky, in that I have a boyfriend, but it definitely has some compromises.

My boyfriend isn't an aspie. I only just got diagnosed. It's not ideal in that he's more the passive-aggressive type while I have to think out a situation in a "this is what's happening, this is his history, this is my history" to figure out what he's mad about once I figure out that he's mad... but I think I'm pretty low on the spectrum so I can usually keep up. All in all though, he goes totally against my pattern; I usually become close to guys who will lash out at me, it makes me feel like I'm making up for them putting up with me if I let them put me down when they're in a bad mood (yes, I realize that's not healthy, I'm working on it and it's part of why I started seeing a psychologist, which resulted in my diagnosis). He and I met online, and that allowed me to feel a connection because I could proofread what I'd say, and I could reread what he said to better understand. By the time we met in person, I knew him well enough that it just worked. He has is own imperfections - pretty severe ADHD, he's on his 4th semester out of school due to financial struggles, he's pretty immature, and he has difficulty expressing emotions - but he also makes an immense effort to understand mine. He'll tell his friends we can't hang out if they ask too last-minute, because he knows I hate sudden changes in plans; if I snap at him because it's crowded and I'm overwhelmed, instead of getting upset or mad he just squeezes my hand and guides me to someplace less crowded; he really pushes me to make plans to spend time with his friends, or with anyone, so when I'm home (I go to school out of state) I actually have something of a social network; I haven't got a job yet this summer, but he'll pay my way for me to hang out with friends and then he'll make a point of walking silently ahead of us so I can practice conversing, but he'll pay enough attention that if there's a lull in the conversation or I sound panicked he can step in. I really don't know how I managed to find someone so understanding and sweet, and I certainly don't feel I've earned anything as wonderful as the way he treats me, but he more than makes up for the bits of disconnect.

 

[Berianireth]

I'm single and not really looking... I'm trying not to bolster my hopes too much.

 

[Andy R]

Happily married for 27 years to a lady I met when I was 19 and she was 17! I knew she was a very understanding person, but that took on a whole new dimension when i was recently diagnosed as an Aspie.

 

[wyverary]

I'd much rather be living with my dog than with another man or woman. So there you go.

 

[rollerskate]

I'd much rather be living with my dog than with another man or woman. So there you go.

Ditto. You nailed it.

 

[Judge]

I hate to admit it, but I do occasionally ponder the cosmic possibility that in this life, I may ultimately be better off living by myself.

Company and solitude...very difficult to achieve a proper balance of the two if any. <sigh>

 

[ShatteredUniverse]

Single and (passively) looking.

"Passive" as in "if an opportunity comes up, I'll likely work up the will to engage", but I'm not actively searching.

Unfortunately, of late most of my time is either spent at home or doing coursework at my local technical college, so the opportunity for my finding someone is slim. :-/

At this point in my life, that's probably for the best, but at some point in the future I'm definitely going on an active search for someone.

This Doctor needs a Companion.

 

[asman]

I read some of your comments, and I have to say that it would be a hell lot easier if i was living by myself. Unfortunately for my wife, I was diagnosed after we got married. I was only diagnosed very recently. She has been really supportive, but I know it hasn`t been easy for her. It hasn`t been easy for the 2 of us. She needs a lot of emotions and I am not really able to provide that for her. I feel guilty for having to put her through all this.

I am currently trying deperately to make this work for us. She is willing to stick it out to see what our endeavors will yield. For that, I am willing to give it my 110%. I did offer her a `get-out-jail free` card in case it gets to be too much for her. I love her a lot and hate to see her suffer because of me.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

For those of you out there who are struggling to find/or dealing with your mate, don`t give up hope. Just keep pushing!! If your better half is still with you after knowing about your ASD, then I say this person is worth keeping around (as long as she/he wants to stay).

 

[ExplosiveTMT]

Had a couple of attempts at a relationship. Both were too much for me to handle. :/
I tend to get quite emotional, and I don't want that to become a burden for any girl. :/
So, no relationships for me.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I've never had a boyfriend. And with the guys I've met, the nice ones that could be good choices, I often wonder if I would just make them miserable. in the long run, after i stopped faking NT-ness. Probably yes. Not that I am incapable of being in a good relationship, it would just take someone very special, very rare. (the guys i meet are special as is everyone who exists, but the kind of guy who could do well with me would be very rare.) He would probably have to be an Aspie to be at all happy longterm in a relationship with me.

 

[Sander]

I've never had a boyfriend. And with the guys I've met, the nice ones that could be good choices, I often wonder if I would just make them miserable. in the long run, after i stopped faking NT-ness. Probably yes. Not that I am incapable of being in a good relationship, it would just take someone very special, very rare. (the guys i meet are special as is everyone who exists, but the kind of guy who could do well with me would be very rare.) He would probably have to be an Aspie to be at all happy longterm in a relationship with me.

Big chance he has to be an aspie, that is what I've noticed with Evy at least. She is very supportive and loving, we get along great! But the most important is that she UNDERSTANDS the things I'm struggling with. I hope it's the other way around too, because sometimes I don't know how to react or act in situations.

 

[Eliora]

For myself I suspect being an Aspie and am in the traject to get a diagnosis but my boyfriend and I already concluded that if I'm an Aspie, he's one too. So in here I read that it's way easier if you both have it but for us it is extremely hard. Perhaps it will get better now because we found out about this two moths ago and it has been way better than first. Previously we would just get the worst out of each other.
For example we both need time to regenerate after a day out. If one of us is home earlier he/she already had time to regenerate so when the other comes home we want to talk, a lot. It's just a waterfall of words. And we both don't think 'ow, he/she just got home let him/her regenerate'. We both fail to see that the other needs rest. And this is just one example.
So at the moment we aren't happy at all with our relationship. Mainly my boyfriend has trouble with certain Aspie traits of me, but because he reacts badly to them I don't feel happy either. The main thing he has a problem with is me being negative all the time (not necessary Aspie, just the way I feel with the world) while he is always positive. I try my best to be more positive but we are now on a point that when I make a joke or say something kind of negative (while I feel very positive!!), he will get pissed off and thus responding negatively while I was in essence positive..

So yeah, lots of drama. Having bought a house last year in September that needs a lot of remodeling isn't helping, neither does him being burned out and because of that not working anymore.
If you wonder why we are still together, it's simple. We love each other. We aren't going to give up when it gets hard.

 

[Tarragon]

I'd much rather be living with my dog than with another man or woman. So there you go.

how can anyone compete with your beautiful doggie! Sweatpea is gorgeous!!

 

[faithmclaine]

Single and not looking at all

 

[Thea]

My situation doesn't quite fit any of the selections. I picked Single and Looking because ultimately I am, however my relationship ended 2 days ago so I'm technically Recently Single and Eventually Looking.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Single, and if the right guy comes along that would be wonderful! In fact, I've been praying to find my first real true love. And I'm not going to settle for the first person that comes along unless I'm sure he's "The One". I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic.

 

[Judge]

I've never had a boyfriend. And with the guys I've met, the nice ones that could be good choices, I often wonder if I would just make them miserable. in the long run, after i stopped faking NT-ness. Probably yes. Not that I am incapable of being in a good relationship, it would just take someone very special, very rare. (the guys i meet are special as is everyone who exists, but the kind of guy who could do well with me would be very rare.) He would probably have to be an Aspie to be at all happy longterm in a relationship with me.

Well stated. At least you are completely self-aware of the situation. I can tell you firsthand that you can only keep up a charade of NT behavior for so long. And the longer you do it, the more you eventually meltdown with a potential (or in my case) a guarantee of destroying each relationship that came along.

Yes, the logic dictates you seek out other Aspies who would be more considerate of how you relate to people. Still though, as you say there is always a possibility of finding that special NT who would "accommodate" you out of love rather than mere tolerance. But finding them....whew that may indeed be a "tall order".

I just wish I would have had such foresight so many years ago. I might have had a chance.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I just wish I would have had such foresight so many years ago. I might have had a chance.

Maybe you didn't understand yourself so well so many years ago?

 

[Judge]

Maybe you didn't understand yourself so well so many years ago?

Absolutely. Back then I didn't have a clue of my own autism, and neither did my girlfriends. I just assumed I was "anti-social" to some degree...incapable of relationships. So I gave up on love several years back.

It isn't true....but I simply didn't work the problem up until more than a year ago. Odd to think shortly before that I was considering past-life regression looking for some answer as to who and what I am. Or was in another life...