young man fancies my 3 year old

[Cassielyn]

Hi,
we moved into a rental complex with our 3 year old daughter and our upstairs neighbour (single mum) has a son (24 years old) who has aspergers.
I get along well with the mum and my daughter likes her too. So we decided to spend some time together - all 4 of us. We started in March by sitting outside and drawing with chalk on the side walk. On colder days we moved inside and played some games. Her son doesn't mind the games for little kids, he actually likes them. And it helps my daughter to connect to people.
The problem now is that he wants to kiss my daughter.
First he only wanted her to help look for something he has lost a good while ago. A few years back some young school girls helped him to find something he has lost and since they found it he thinks my daughter could help him now too. So far so good. Then we wanted my daughter to hug him. Still ok, if he wants to. Which she doesn't. She plays board games with him but does not want to be to close to him. On the next chair is ok.
The other day he asked me when he could cuddle with her. Alarm clocks went off.
His mother says hugging and cuddling is the same for him. So ok.
Yesterday we came home and my daughter fell asleep in the car so I carried her inside. He came home at the same time and petted her back for a second and then gave her a kiss on the head. I didn't think much of it. Ok, I thought: don't do that. But I didn't say anything.
Today his mum asked me if she could talk with me. I went upstairs and he told me he has to kiss my 3 year old. I said, no you don't. He said he had a very bad night. His mother told him he can't just go and kiss her and he said he must. He started hitting his forehead and told me he has to keep on doing that if he can't kiss her. I stayed calm, my daughter cuddling up to me. I told him that giving her a hug if she want that too is one thing. Kissing is not something he can just do. His mother explained him again that people his family members and not someone else (I think she did not want to say loved ones, not that he says that he loves my daughter). She suggested to blow her a kiss and he kept on getting louder, hitting himself, saying he has to kiss her and if we say now he will just do it anyway.
What he said is that he just can't stop. He has to kiss her now since he kissed her on the head yesterday. When I said: no, you don't have to. He got louder and hit himself.
Of course I won't let him kiss her.
His mum said it would be best if we leave and while we left I could see that she tried to stop him from hitting himself. With the strenght he has I would not be suprised if he would hit her now to. But that's another story.
My question now:
How do I set boundries?
Do I stay away from him and try to keep my daughter away from him totally?

Edit:
Of course his mum has to set boundries too. But she is not always there. She works part time at a kindergarden.
All in all I think he should not be with his mother all day. He only has her and his grandparents. No other people. I think it would be best for him and his mum to meet other people, get out of the house and have friends his own age.

You may have to tell his mother and certainly someone should tell him. I hope it doesn’t have to be you, but if so, so be it, that he can get arrested for that. I might even talk privately to the police department and ask them what they do in situations like this. The situation is that handicapped man is about to harm a 3 year old. He definitely sounds obsessed with her even if she were his age, the compulsion is extreme!
With him, it is a sensory experience that he feels compelled to achieve, but he has hormones and a body that she does not have. I am glad that your daughter responds defensively, but I think I definitely would have a consult with the police and start a paper trail. His mother needs to do something about him so that you don’t have to move.

 

[Kayla55]

I agree with you, but I definitely don’t think it should fall on @Santina to do this.

Nope it's not her problem, and luckily people are talking and fussing and this is safety.
Look I'm giving him benefit of doubt that due to parents not educating (generally sons but women can be evil, too) him he doesn't know better and he's not grooming, he's kissing her out of ignorance and not hiding as he doesn't know better. For those whos parents went taboo and never taught disabled kids that even if you like someone there is acceptable behaviour and so many may be shamed by society or treated with alienation due to this.
But to make sure the child is safe is more important, I would stop visits but with kind message from myself to him to say why, not leave him feeling uncommunicative or not knowing why people cut him off.
It's hard to say, but glad people talk. Years ago there was this movie about a boy who was nonverbal who tried to say on laptop that a bad thing happened and it's so sad that those of us who's lives are already difficult can be victims of this due to us being easy or mute victims.

 

[Kayla55]

Years ago we went to this rural school and the biggest boy who seemed to also be on spectrum was friends with my boys, looked after them even the day my boy had meltdown and ran around field attacking a child. So I got my school exemption certificate.
Also sometimes it's community discipline as was taught to me, we educate, communicate condone or exclude behaviour as a group, I tend not to take role of disciplining others kids but let's not chase Frankenstein abandoned into bushes unless you caught him doing something, then share love and wisdom for his sake when his family can't.
Maybe he felt attached or protective and his heart is broken and kind word will change his view of a heartless world, but I never left my kids alone with many people at all.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Once again:

Even severely disabled adult men, with developmental delays, have sexual fantasies.

He may see her as a peer, and not understand what he is doing is abhorrent.

Keep your little angel locked up away from this person. She is in danger.

Being severely socially delayed, I would have intimate fantasies, but then I respected girls and women and would never treat them in a manner that was not beneficial to them and their self esteem. Pressuring somebody to be intimate was not in my repertoir and that was both positive and negative. Positive because I learned to pay attention to personality, not just physical attraction, negative because after my first relationship broke up I realized that she wanted to take our intimacy into sex, and I did not know how to initiate that.

I hate boys/men who feel entitled to treat women selfishly for their own pleasure. Some of them also made me feel negatively about myself. One guy in particular, knowing that I had no prospects of a relationship would relate his sexual escapades to me. He was cleverly manipulative and got two girls pregnant, escaping accountability for that. I could not understand why no girl/woman ever desired me, especially when I thought of myself as accepting with good prospects in life. It really hurt and confused me.

 

[Santina]

I had a talk with the mother and she said she has never seen him like this. She had a good talk with him and explained that he definitely has to ask the person he wants to hug, kiss,... Not just my daughter , anyone really. And that it's not the same with non family members than it is with family members like his mum and grandma.
She also said that he felt bad, thought now a hug or kiss is always a bad thing. She explained that it's not a bad thing in general but behavior around it can be. Like hugging someone without their consent.
We decided to let it rest now and let him apologize tomorrow in person to us.

I thank you all for your input. I really felt lost. I thought a lot about it now and I also asked the mum if she wouldn't agree that some friends his own age would be good for him. I'm thinking they are so much in their world that she didn't see that he has feelings and needs to. He might not have ever shown her this side of himself as he didn't know it exists. I don't know.

Anyway, he was never and will never be alone with my daughter and I won't let her close to him.

I do hear all of you who are sure he is a massiv threat. So I'm not doing this lightly. But if he is ok now with the lecture he got, we should be ok with a bit more distance. If not, I take harder measurements.

We live in Germany so I have to see which options I have here.

 

[Aspychata]

You talked about a really tough subject, thank you @Yeshuasdaughter .
It's hard to bring up a child with developmental delays, but we shouldn't victimized a innocent child because of a mom who can't be present and understand her son.

 

[VictorR]

Anytime DD is combined with AS, there really should be 24/7 monitoring given the risk of unexpected adverse behavior. Unfortunately sometimes parents and caregivers are overextended and regrettable situations may occur, e.g.

https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/newfoundland-labrador/bowring-park-sexual-assault-victim-1.6533499

 

[Hypnalis]

@Santina

You can't allow any further possibility of your daughters body autonomy being compromised.
She can't protect herself. You are her only defense.

So you have to balance your preferences (spending social time with your neighbor) with your daughter's needs.

In my opinion, it's not a matter of your daughter never being alone with that person - she should not be in the same room, perhaps not the same apartment..

This might change in time, but not soon.

Note that my comments are based on the possibly optimistic assumption that the issue is "just" misplaced affection.
Even so, there's a real issue - your daughter mustn't learn that adults in general have the right to infringe on her personal integrity.

 

[MNAus]

I think I'd hesitate to start accusations of paedophilia or similar. That said, your priority is your daughter and whatever help this man needs is not your or her responsibility. She is not a prop in his therapy. I would avoid contact completely. You can explain to his mother that you wish no ill will, but that this situation is obviously upsetting for both of them. We give each other respect, but we're not obliged to set our own children's needs aside for others.

 

[Rodafina]

I had a talk with the mother and she said she has never seen him like this. She had a good talk with him and explained that he definitely has to ask the person he wants to hug, kiss,... Not just my daughter , anyone really. And that it's not the same with non family members than it is with family members like his mum and grandma.
She also said that he felt bad, thought now a hug or kiss is always a bad thing. She explained that it's not a bad thing in general but behavior around it can be. Like hugging someone without their consent.
We decided to let it rest now and let him apologize tomorrow in person to us.

I thank you all for your input. I really felt lost. I thought a lot about it now and I also asked the mum if she wouldn't agree that some friends his own age would be good for him. I'm thinking they are so much in their world that she didn't see that he has feelings and needs to. He might not have ever shown her this side of himself as he didn't know it exists. I don't know.

Anyway, he was never and will never be alone with my daughter and I won't let her close to him.

I do hear all of you who are sure he is a massiv threat. So I'm not doing this lightly. But if he is ok now with the lecture he got, we should be ok with a bit more distance. If not, I take harder measurements.

We live in Germany so I have to see which options I have here.

Thank you for your update, @Santina.

You got a lot of strong opinions here, and hopefully we have been able to support you and your daughter and your overall safety. Thank you for trusting us with this problem, and for being open to our advice.

Warmest wishes for health and happiness for you and your little girl.

 

[Qoyote]

Now I'm scared I was too quick to judge... what do the rest of you think

 

[Au Naturel]

Yeah, this is not something you want to allow. He does not belong anywhere near your daughter.

 

[Rodafina]

Now I'm scared I was too quick to judge... what do the rest of you think

I think we can all agree that his actions are unacceptable, but none of us have evidence that he is a pedophile. The most important thing is the safety of the little girl, but we do not need to also vilify the man. Not based on the information we have.

I appreciate your post and the fact that you gave it a second thought. It’s such a serious and egregious accusation that it should be made only with a great deal of knowledge of the situation.

Offered respectfully.

 

[Fino]

I don't think any accusations or vilifying is necessary. It's simply a logical precaution to stay away.

 

[Santina]

A quick update.
After another talk in July with our neighbor and his mother, he agreed that his actions / thoughts were not ok. It was his birthday end of July. He asked my daughter if she wanted to hug him, she said no, he said ok. And that was it.
He actually stays away from her now, only greets us when he sees us. Due to summer vacations I haven't seen both of them much.
I thank you all for raising your concerns here. I always want to see the best in people when it comes to me or my family. I'm much more critical when it comes to strangers asking me what I think. Eye opener!

 

[Judge]

A quick update.
After another talk in July with our neighbor and his mother, he agreed that his actions / thoughts were not ok. It was his birthday end of July. He asked my daughter if she wanted to hug him, she said no, he said ok. And that was it.
He actually stays away from her now, only greets us when he sees us. Due to summer vacations I haven't seen both of them much.
I thank you all for raising your concerns here. I always want to see the best in people when it comes to me or my family. I'm much more critical when it comes to strangers asking me what I think. Eye opener!

Sounds like the best possible outcome in such an unfortunate situation. Yet one that also reflects a sign of the times. When even the most innocent (or questionable) gestures can be problematic.

Like a soccer coach kissing one of his players on the lips. Oops....and so on. With some societies and cultures having a near "zero tolerance" attitude over such things.

 

[kenaij]

Like others have said. Cut all contact with him. No interaction between him and your daughter.
If for some reason she was ever in a room with him and you were in the next and he does something you won`t forget yourself and your daughter will be scarred for life.
If his mom does not understand so be it. Your only responsibility is to your daughter. Whether or not he hits himself, or does something else is none of your concern.
The risk is simply too high to not choose to hurt some feelings.

 

[kenaij]

I reacted before I finished the later posts. Still. I would keep contact at a minimum. You never know when his thoughts and actions return.