Workman in my apartment

[grommet]

He is in here now. It is not scheduled. I am trying to keep calm. The worst sound for me is my doorbell and it rang and rang. I looked through the peephole and the workman was there with his cart. He is a very nice man so I opened my door to see what he wants. He wants to come in and install a new smoke detector. But there was no notice. I am not ready for this. There is smell from another person in my home. My things are not arranged for people to visit. Nothing is right for this.

He is nice. I will concentrate on that. There are not nice people and they make everything hard but he is nice so I will be nice and try and wait while he is here working. I feel rude being a few feet away from him and typing on the computer but it's either that or hide in the bathroom.

I think being around someone and ignoring them makes them feel unwelcome and hurts their feelings and I do not want to do that but if I stop typing he might want to talk. Go away workman go away please. I do not want this.

He just finished. He smiled and said thank you and then said something about The Warriors, the basketball team competing in the championship. He said, "Go Warriors." He smiled. He is nice. I like the Warriors too and watched the game last night.

Oh I don't feel right. This was so unexpected. Ach. Not right not right. Nice man gone now. Ah.

 

[NTgirl4276]

i am so sorry about this sudden and unexpected visit! despite being a bit of a small-talk/chit-chat savant, i don't like unexpected visitors either. whenever i'm not expecting company, i refuse to answer my door. i even quickly turn down the volume on my TV and put my phone on vibrate, so they won't hear any noises to signal that someone is home. but with Maintenance staff, I can't really do that, because my apartment complex allows them to come into an empty apartment to perform their work as long as they leave a note that they were there.

i'm glad he seemed nice and that you were able to type to AC to get you through it! I think you chose a good coping mechanism

 

[grommet]

Ah, hard to speak now.

Thank you for writing.

 

[grommet]

Calming down.

 

[Warmheart]

Grommet, I feel for you. Breathe. Your peace returns. Gently, gently....

 

[Judge]

Me too. I'm never comfortable about strangers in my living space...for whatever reason. I always experience great relief when they leave...and always have anxiety when I know they're coming.

 

[grommet]

I am better now. Thank you.

 

[garnetflower13]

Oh, Grommet that must have been awful! I always get that way when strangers have to come into my space, because they are basically leaving me no place to retreat to! I used to live in a place where maintenance people were liable to knock on the door then just enter without giving me a chance to say yea or nay. It was nerve wracking!

 

[grommet]

"... leaving me no place to retreat..."

Yes.

 

[Progster]

Two points occur to me when reading the opening post.

1. They should give you advance notice when they are coming. If you don't answer the door, they will probably leave a notice for you to contact them to arrange a mutually convenient time. Perhaps that would be better?

2. They are there to do a job, not for a social visit. You don't need to make small talk, or feel guilty about continuing your work while they are there. Hello, thank you, goodbye is really all you need to say. They can't expect to arrive unannounced, interrupt your work and expect you to drop everything you were doing for them. On the few occasions we've had a workman, I've just gone to my office, shut the door (I tell them where I am if they need me) and continued working.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I think being around someone and ignoring them makes them feel unwelcome and hurts their feelings and I do not want to do that but if I stop typing he might want to talk. Go away workman go away please. I do not want this.

It depends on the worker. My husband was an installer for a few years, and he and his coworkers often got irritated by some people hovering over their shoulder constantly. They just want to work in peace so they can get on to their next job. I doubt you offended him by keeping company with your computer, so don't worry about it.

I have been very fortunate that every time I've had to have a person come out, it's been planned. I've had time to get their work area somewhat cleaned and prepped for them, and I was in the emotional place necessary to answer any needed questions or offer a hand whether it was to hold a door or hold a flash light.

 

[EdR]

AsheSkyler makes a very good point. For a couple of years I owned a handyman business and homeowners that participated in the repairs were never welcome or helpful. The repairman was probably grateful that you adopted a hands-off attitude.

Therefore, you did good.

 

[garnetflower13]

I remember when my landlord was having new air conditioning units installed (not the window kind, but the units were to be up on the walls with a other part outside) so it turned into an all day thing. Talk about fried nerves! I had to lock my cat up in the bathroom with her litter box and food, and I sat at my computer with headphones on and watched a movie. Every time the workman passed the door, I tensed, thinking that he was going to initiate small talk but thank goodness he didn't. I had to mop up their muddy footprints and wipe down the dirty fingerprints off everything after they left.

 

[grommet]

AsheSkyler makes a very good point. For a couple of years I owned a handyman business and homeowners that participated in the repairs were never welcome or helpful. The repairman was probably grateful that you adopted a hands-off attitude.

Therefore, you did good.

What you are saying makes sense but it still seems rude to me, to be close to another person and ignore them. It feels like an impossible situation. I don't want to be hurtful but I can't talk to him either. I can't leave, it would seem more rude and I have nowhere to go but sit outside. Thank you for saying I did the right thing, it helps. I wish it were simpler for em though but I don't think it ever will be.

 

[grommet]

I remember when my landlord was having new air conditioning units installed (not the window kind, but the units were to be up on the walls with a other part outside) so it turned into an all day thing. Talk about fried nerves! I had to lock my cat up in the bathroom with her litter box and food, and I sat at my computer with headphones on and watched a movie. Every time the workman passed the door, I tensed, thinking that he was going to initiate small talk but thank goodness he didn't. I had to mop up their muddy footprints and wipe down the dirty fingerprints off everything after they left.

This was my exact experience when workmen, two of them, came in to my apartment to do some cosmetic repair on a section of my ceiling. Then a third walked in and they all came in and out for a couple of days (I was going mad, my nerves were at their peak). Finally one of them remained and I left for the day after he told me it would be finished that one day. I came home after lingering as long as I could and he was not only still working but said he needed to come back and it would take days. After a couple of days I could not stand it anymore. I had no other rooms to go to and anyone could open my door and walk in and talk to the other people. It was being in the middle of a crowd in my own home, which is supposed to be safe. Noise, voices, smells, movement. It was awful. I went to the manager's office and complained vehemently. He lied and said he was allowed according to the lease, to come in for repairs. I said yes, but they must be done in a "timely fashion", they cannot go on and on for days.

I can't stand having people in my home. I shrink and feel like I am on coffee. My mind feels crowded and I feel helpless if they tell me I have no choice. I live in a large studio apartment, I have no other room to go to. So awful.

I don't know if I can live the rest of my life being aspie. It only feels good when I am alone. But I have to be around people. And like so many aspies I do get lonely and crave company. I do not see an easy solution and I fear the long term. But thank you everyone for the support

 

[AsheSkyler]

What you are saying makes sense but it still seems rude to me, to be close to another person and ignore them. It feels like an impossible situation. I don't want to be hurtful but I can't talk to him either.

I feel the very same way when somebody is having trouble and telling me about it. If you're in a similar situation and bring up your own circumstances to perhaps find common ground and start brainstorming how to fix it for both of you, it can be misconstrued as trying to one-up them and saying that their suffering means nothing. If you offer your condolences and show sympathy, it can be misconstrued as being condescending and patronizing. If you ask questions to give them opportunity to rant about the whole thing and get it off their chest, it can be misconstrued as being nosy. And if you try to say nothing at all so you can avoid the previous problems, then it can be misconstrued as ignoring them and not caring. No matter what you do, you're rude and screwed.

 

[grommet]

I feel the very same way when somebody is having trouble and telling me about it. If you're in a similar situation and bring up your own circumstances to perhaps find common ground and start brainstorming how to fix it for both of you, it can be misconstrued as trying to one-up them and saying that their suffering means nothing. If you offer your condolences and show sympathy, it can be misconstrued as being condescending and patronizing. If you ask questions to give them opportunity to rant about the whole thing and get it off their chest, it can be misconstrued as being nosy. And if you try to say nothing at all so you can avoid the previous problems, then it can be misconstrued as ignoring them and not caring. No matter what you do, you're rude and screwed.

It is often sad to be aspie. World always mad. We make ourselves safe by staying away. If we aren't around people, we can't aggravate them. A person once said I was evil because I was not talking to them. I was not upset at all, I was not quiet for a reason except that they had not asked me a question so I did not know what to do. They just kept saying things in a way that had the tone of a question but there was no, who what when where why how. I don't know what to say if I am not being asked something.

But I do know how to answer very well when a clear question is asked. But then people have teased me. They have rolled their eyes and called me and my behavior names. It is risky for aspie people to be out with other people. We can get into trouble without meaning any harm. Better to say less and leave as soon as I can. But it gets lonely that way.

Books are better. TV is better. My imagination, which is very good, is better. I wonder if an aspie has been killed because of a misunderstanding.

When I started going to an aspie group, I liked very much how we all communicated. It made sense. A person would ask a question and someone would say yes or no and that was the end of it. Quiet and quick and nobody doubted anyone. We could not have that outside of the room and without each other.

 

[AsheSkyler]

It is often sad to be aspie. World always mad. We make ourselves safe by staying away. If we aren't around people, we can't aggravate them. A person once said I was evil because I was not talking to them. I was not upset at all, I was not quiet for a reason except that they had not asked me a question so I did not know what to do. They just kept saying things in a way that had the tone of a question but there was no, who what when where why how. I don't know what to say if I am not being asked something.

But I do know how to answer very well when a clear question is asked. But then people have teased me. They have rolled their eyes and called me and my behavior names. It is risky for aspie people to be out with other people. We can get into trouble without meaning any harm. Better to say less and leave as soon as I can. But it gets lonely that way.

Books are better. TV is better. My imagination, which is very good, is better. I wonder if an aspie has been killed because of a misunderstanding.

When I started going to an aspie group, I liked very much how we all communicated. It made sense. A person would ask a question and someone would say yes or no and that was the end of it. Quiet and quick and nobody doubted anyone. We could not have that outside of the room and without each other.

I wouldn't rule out the statistical possibility of a person being killed over miscommunication. I think there have been a few wars and feuds because of it, so it stands to reason there were probably a few Aspies throughout history who had one faux pas too many.

I always found it confusing when people would get mad at me for being quiet. I jabber a lot, so they complain about it a lot. "Make up your mind, eh? Talk or no talk!?"