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Why don't I feel anyone's pain?

Mark_D

Mark_D

Well-Known Member
When something bad happens to someone, even to someone I love, it doesn't make me feel bad with them. I don't share other people's feelings. I can understand why they would feel bad, but I still feel nothing. On the other hand, when my kids would cry or I knew their feelings were hurt it was painful. Does this mean that my children are the only people I truly love? This is very confusing.
 
Is this post just too weird to respond to? Was this just too much 'sharing'? I don't want to scare anyone away.
 
I don't think your post is too weird, but one can assume some people don't have an answer for it, or just don't want to elaborate on it. And it being a forum, there is no rule where people have to respond to topic. People can choose to ignore it. And sometimes posts will be overlooked. I've had a few topics that I started and didn't get any responses, I assumed it wasn't in anyones interest to comment on it and left it be.

However; I'll comment on said topic

Much like yourself, I don't feel said emotional involvement of others. I sometimes don't even know how my own emotions hold up, since they're weirdly absent sometimes. Much like you, I can understand when someone is upset. I tend to talk to these people and see if there's anything "sensible" to advise them in. I don't recognize said emotions though, people have to be pretty blunt and tell me "I'm mad for reason X" for me to follow up and ask "why?". This is pretty much how it goes between me and my girlfriend. I don't pick up on it. Nor do I understand what it when my parents, my best friend or someone in the street shows emotions that will be obvious for most people. As such, I don't feel their emotion, and honestly, that's fine with me.

Having a lack of empathy is a pretty common AS trait, though it's more recognizing than actually "not feeling" it. In the past I've been told to have sociopathic tendencies for not feeling it, aside from being blind enough to not recognize them to start with.

As for you and your kids and feeling more concern for them. Perhaps that has to do with the knowledge that their more vulnerable and you're, to some degree responsible for them. There's no way to turn it around, but if you have kids, you are the responsible for their wellbeing until a certain age (cleary not everyone shares this opinion; that's another matter).

Something to underline here, and that's a common misconception about empathy. It's not that everyone is ignorant and ignores empathy towards others, some people just do not get it. But common belief, from what I understand, is that "everyone feels empathic for others and if they don't, they're just trying to get out of offering help or support for these people".

All this aside; I don't know if I could deal with being upset over something that isn't my personal issue to begin with. I'm having my own stuff to deal with already and that's already a handful.
 
From an evolutionary standpoint, you have predetermined genetic self interest in protecting your progeny, which you don't have for the greater community, nothing wrong with that.
 
The research on ASD is very clear that we have dysfunctional empathy. Some aspies and auties report feeling too much empathy and it overwhelms them. Most of us however feel much less empathy than NTs. I remember as a child seeing a young boy killed by an automobile and watching the firemen put him in a body bag. When I replay this memory in my head I watch it with clinical interest but there is no emotion attached to it.

The human population's feeling of empathy is normally distributed on a bell curve according to Baron-Cohen's research. Most of us with ASD fall at the low end of the curve; psychopaths also fall at the low end of the curve. Aspies and auties differ from psychopaths, according to Baron-Cohen because we have a conscience, a moral code, and we do not selfishly manipulate other people to satisfy our selfish needs.

Our lack of empathy and failure to identify and respond to social cues in the same way as NTs cause us great problems. It is who we are but aspies and auties rarely do evil and we should be thankful that our propensity to "do what is right" keeps us out of trouble.
 
This has caused a great deal of problems with my wife. When her father died, she was understandably upset. I tried to give her comfort the best I could. I gave her hugs and let her cry, and asked her if she wanted to talk about it. She kept saying she didn't want to talk, so I left it at that. This went on for quite a while. Since she didn't want to talk, I figured she would come to me when she did. She became very angry and bitter toward me because I didn't support her in her grief. The same thing happened when her Mother died. I tried, but apparently I did it wrong. According to her I'm not a good person.

It's some comfort to know there is a reason I lack these apparently normal feelings.
 
I have had the same issues with my wife. When she would get upset I would want to comfort her but did not know how. We want to do it, we just lack the social skills to be able to do it naturally. NTs just do it without thinking; we need to "learn" how and it never is a natural response. Moreover we lack the motivation to learn because we are, by nature, not interested in social activities. We are not uncaring and that is clear because we have the desire to comfort! we just lack the mechanisms.
 
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I can't help the way I feel or don't feel. What I hate is being berated and insulted. Why can't people just keep their thoughts inside their heads and their mouths shut?
 
Mark_D said:
I can't help the way I feel or don't feel. What I hate is being berated and insulted. Why can't people just keep their thoughts inside their heads and their mouths shut?
Click to expand...

I hear you. I have learned to ignore insults and to be unconcerned with what other people think of me. I confess I am not always successful but as you say: "I can't help the way I feel or don't feel." If I am acting in good faith and trying to do what I believe is morally right then the way someone interprets my actions should not cause me angst. It has been almost one year since I was diagnosed and since then I have tried my best to act honestly and truthfully and to be myself. If other people are confused by what I do or say it is their problem not mine. Clearly this only applies to people I am not close to: I must take the thinking of wives, children, etc. into consideration but I should not feel bad about what I do if my motives are not bad. I am open to constructive suggestions and completely willing to explain myself if needed. I have been anxious my entire 64 years; I am trying to reduce my anxiety as best I can. My diagnosis was a godsend because finally I understand myself and other people's reactions to me. I may not be able to figure out what people are thinking specifically but when I receive negative reactions from others I know it is because there has been a communication failure of some kind between me and a NT. So I just accept it as my fate in life to be misunderstood constantly and just move on.
 
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I've been fairly successful in ignoring the insults. I still get pissed off sometimes, though. I have a Valium prescription from the VA and I've used it many times to prepare for an argument that I know is coming. They're always 'you suck and this is why' anyway. It helps me to detach a bit and avoid overly strong defense mechanisms. No, I don't get wasted...I just take a couple of milligrams. No way I'm tipping my hand.

If that seems like cheating or drug abuse, so be it. I have anxiety disorder and that's what it's for.
 
Mark,
It is not logical to tie your feelings to your value as a person. We do not choose our feelings. When someone we love dies, we can not say, "I am not going to be sad". We either are, or are not.
I often get the same responses, that I am uncaring, or a bad person. At least I am not standing in judgement of someone else. I got used to being a target for other peoples misery long ago. Honestly it does not bother me anymore. I choose not to own it, because I was not responsible for creating it.
Have a nice day.
 
I don't feel any empathy either. I just made a reply about this exact thing in another topic just a few minutes ago.
 
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