Datura
Well-Known Member
Hi there!
I'm currently questioning weather or not I might be on the autism spectrum. This wouldn't be the first time, but I am certainly taking it more seriously this go around. What triggered this current inquiry is that I actually work as a support for people with developmental disabilities. One of our new clients has aspergers, so it was incumbent upon me to do some research in preparation. As I read through the symptoms and experiences of people with asperger's I couldn't help but identify with the majority of what I was hearing. Perhaps the only trait I don't share with other aspies is a hypersensitivity to sensory stimuli.
As an adult I am a fairly well adjusted and sociable person, but as a child, on through my early 20s I was painfully awkward in social situations. I typically had one or two friends who I felt comfortable around, but would otherwise avoid social situations. At that, most of my friends were introduced to me through my parents friends anyway. The others were people who had pursued me as a friend, and who I hadn't turned away. Often they were also on the social margins. It took me until I was an adult to learn to make my own acquaintances, and during that period I mad practically every mistake I could muster.
I exhibited some odd behavior as a child. Perhaps my strangest habit was shaking string-like objects. I started doing this at three and continued to do so well into my 20s. I would feel compelled to walk in circles and shake these objects while rehearsing repetitive fantasies in my mind. In a sense the act of shaking was a kenesthetic link to these fantasies, and I found this act very relaxing. The first object I took to shaking was a stuffed monkey, but many other objects took it's place. I eventually took to shaking a specific dog collar because I founds its tactile qualities the most pleasing. If I was desperate I would fashion a suitable substitute out of an overgrown blade of grass. My parents were always dismayed with this habit, so I learned to hide it from them. Even then, I would spend hours a day shaking that collar, especially when I was stressed. I eventually made a concerted effort to quit, which took several attempts over a span of years.
I was also tested a lot in elementary because of learning difficulties. The results of these tests were quite varied, saying that I was anything from mildly gifted, to mentally deficient and likely to end up a ward of the state. None of these tests were conclusive, however, and the closest we ever recieved to a diagnosis was that I might have some rare form of dyslexia they were not equiped to test for. Apparently they also wanted to put me on Ritalin, so perhaps there was also an ADHD diagnosis I wasn't aware of.
As an adult I had myself tested again. I was having a difficult time retaining employment and I couldn't reconcile why I seemed perfectly capable in certain areas, but completely inept in others. The results were that I was average to above average intelligence in all areas of testing, but that I seemed to exhibit signs of ADD. A list of supports were recommended if I ever decided to resume education.
Speaking of education; that has been an other obstacle for me. I believe I am cognitively capable of doing the work, however the anxiety brought on by assignments is such that it brings on mental breakdowns. Once my parents even brought me into the ER because I was having strange spasms which they said resembled the movements of a bird with a broken neck. This is unfortunate, because I am quite cerebral and love to learn, but these experiences have kept me away from perusing my education further.
I could go on much further, but I'll stop there. I'm just at a juncture where I'm wondering if I should pursue a diagnosis, if for no other reason than to rule it out. Though I am much better at blending in with society than I once was I am still faced with challenges on a daily basis and perhaps by knowing myself better these challenges can be mitigated. Perhaps I will also find people with whom I can identify on some level, and that is always a boon.
I'm currently questioning weather or not I might be on the autism spectrum. This wouldn't be the first time, but I am certainly taking it more seriously this go around. What triggered this current inquiry is that I actually work as a support for people with developmental disabilities. One of our new clients has aspergers, so it was incumbent upon me to do some research in preparation. As I read through the symptoms and experiences of people with asperger's I couldn't help but identify with the majority of what I was hearing. Perhaps the only trait I don't share with other aspies is a hypersensitivity to sensory stimuli.
As an adult I am a fairly well adjusted and sociable person, but as a child, on through my early 20s I was painfully awkward in social situations. I typically had one or two friends who I felt comfortable around, but would otherwise avoid social situations. At that, most of my friends were introduced to me through my parents friends anyway. The others were people who had pursued me as a friend, and who I hadn't turned away. Often they were also on the social margins. It took me until I was an adult to learn to make my own acquaintances, and during that period I mad practically every mistake I could muster.
I exhibited some odd behavior as a child. Perhaps my strangest habit was shaking string-like objects. I started doing this at three and continued to do so well into my 20s. I would feel compelled to walk in circles and shake these objects while rehearsing repetitive fantasies in my mind. In a sense the act of shaking was a kenesthetic link to these fantasies, and I found this act very relaxing. The first object I took to shaking was a stuffed monkey, but many other objects took it's place. I eventually took to shaking a specific dog collar because I founds its tactile qualities the most pleasing. If I was desperate I would fashion a suitable substitute out of an overgrown blade of grass. My parents were always dismayed with this habit, so I learned to hide it from them. Even then, I would spend hours a day shaking that collar, especially when I was stressed. I eventually made a concerted effort to quit, which took several attempts over a span of years.
I was also tested a lot in elementary because of learning difficulties. The results of these tests were quite varied, saying that I was anything from mildly gifted, to mentally deficient and likely to end up a ward of the state. None of these tests were conclusive, however, and the closest we ever recieved to a diagnosis was that I might have some rare form of dyslexia they were not equiped to test for. Apparently they also wanted to put me on Ritalin, so perhaps there was also an ADHD diagnosis I wasn't aware of.
As an adult I had myself tested again. I was having a difficult time retaining employment and I couldn't reconcile why I seemed perfectly capable in certain areas, but completely inept in others. The results were that I was average to above average intelligence in all areas of testing, but that I seemed to exhibit signs of ADD. A list of supports were recommended if I ever decided to resume education.
Speaking of education; that has been an other obstacle for me. I believe I am cognitively capable of doing the work, however the anxiety brought on by assignments is such that it brings on mental breakdowns. Once my parents even brought me into the ER because I was having strange spasms which they said resembled the movements of a bird with a broken neck. This is unfortunate, because I am quite cerebral and love to learn, but these experiences have kept me away from perusing my education further.
I could go on much further, but I'll stop there. I'm just at a juncture where I'm wondering if I should pursue a diagnosis, if for no other reason than to rule it out. Though I am much better at blending in with society than I once was I am still faced with challenges on a daily basis and perhaps by knowing myself better these challenges can be mitigated. Perhaps I will also find people with whom I can identify on some level, and that is always a boon.
