What's your excuse?

[tree]

It keeps the monsters from crawling out from under your bed.

Why do you keep looking over your shoulder today?

 

[inabox]

Because the world looks better when i look at it like that. I'm considering having surgery to turn my head around.

Where is my rent book?

 

[Flinty]

In the library, where you should probably assume it is.

Why isn't anyone prepared for the new school year?

 

[inabox]

Because they got confused about the instructions and got pre-appled instead.

Who keeps putting rubbish in my front garden?

 

[Flinty]

It's not rubbish, it's fertilizer.

Why are there so many wasps?

 

[ancusmitis]

They're growing in the fertilizer

Why aren't the seeds in my apple sprouting?

 

[metalminx24]

They only sprout if they're in your tummy so that they can grow out of your ears.

Why are some people so dim?

 

[Mia]

As Andrew Dice Clay used to say, they cruise along hoping for something to happen, yet when it does they ignore it.

Why were there so many ladybugs in the tree branches I cut down today?

 

[Flinty]

Because the lordbugs were away.

Why are the systems down again this weekend?

 

[metalminx24]

Because technology is rubbish and we should all go back to medieval times, so sell your gadgets and buy two goats and a pig instead.

Why do people dye their hair green and look like snot - monsters?

 

[asd8513]

Because they are snotty bratty monsters so they want to fit the persona.

Why does everyone think the world revolves around them?

 

[metalminx24]

You found it under a hat stand in the broom cupboard of the Royal Albert Hall in 1876- excellent sleuthing skills!

Why won't Tai Woffinden get a haircut? Did nobody tell him that mullets went out in the eighties?

 

[asd8513]

Because some people just wont let go.

Why did disco die?

 

[Mia]

It was the cork lined platform shoes, everyone wore them and used to fall off them, it became too dangerous to dance at the disco, so the music stopped too.

What sort of curtain should there be in a bathroom?

 

[ancusmitis]

A shower curtain

Why do my eyes always go crooked?

 

[Flinty]

Because your soul is also crooked.

Why won't my clothes dry?

 

[asd8513]

Because you dont clean the lint trap in the dryer

Why cant i find the matching sock?

 

[metalminx24]

Because I ate it, sorry, it was mixed in with my pasta...Oopsie!

Who decided that a meerkat would be the best animal to sell insurance? (UK advert)

 

[tree]

I expect it was the same sort of person who figured
a gecko could perform the same job. Personally, I
like Jake who wears khakis, although he is a human,
not a gecko or a meerkat.

Why can't we have the meeting of United Anarchists at your place this week?

 

[Mia]

Well for starters I don't like people visiting in great numbers and as far as I know there are few Anarchists living in the area, Monarchists might possibly congregate together, but not at my house.

People buy the strangest things, helium balloons with happy faces, jars of pickled onions and cheese in a can, why?