What's the worst advice you've received?

[Misty Avich]

I understand most people mean well when giving advice, but sometimes advice is only told from their perspectives by ableists who don't have a clue about your needs or your emotional state of mind. Some advice just isn't practical especially if it is from ableists who seem to think you're confident enough to take on the world.

One time someone told me that being homeless isn't all that bad, as he was homeless before and enjoyed it. OK maybe some people are resilient to that sort of thing, but not me. I don't care how much they're trying to help by giving me advice on how to survive without a secure home, it does not help me at all. Whenever I express concern about being homeless some time in the future (I'm not homeless now and hopefully will never be) what I desperately need is reassurance and advice on how to not be homeless ever, like as in the help and support resources available and what I can do, etc. Not a bunch of "being homeless shouldn't be the worst thing that can happen to you, just think of it like one big camping holiday!" Um, no, I'm not that way inclined. Sorry. Your advice is way too triggering.

The same guy gave me other stupid advice when I said I didn't have any money (no, I wasn't hinting anyone to lend me money, I was just venting). He said I could get a second or even third job, not understanding that my anxiety, ADHD, Asperger's can mean an all-work lifestyle might lead to emotional burnout and more anxiety. And he said I could perform gigs to make money. Ha! I don't belong in a band, although I can play the keyboard with one hand I'm still not talented enough in music to be able to perform for money.
I'm one of those know-nothing type of people. I'm quite simple, no good with figures, organisation, motivation, talent, focus, any of that.

He was an ableist who was also one of those know-it-alls who had a high IQ and had always been able to land on his feet. When he was homeless he just camped out with other homeless people and relied on drugs to keep himself warm and occupied.
That's all very well and good for some, but that's not for everyone. I was brought up in a very secure home, and have always had support from family, and grew up in a secure environment and attended school regularly and have never been into drink or drugs. So I probably wouldn't last 5 minutes living out on the streets. I would be too frightened and cold. I'd be like a domestic rabbit being released into the wild.

And I hate them sort of people who think that just because I'm an adult I should be able to take on everything and know everything and never feel any negative emotions. They don't seem to get that there is such a thing as being a vulnerable adult, and while I do have a good sense of danger and quite responsible and level-headed, I am still a vulnerable adult due to feeling emotions intensely, inability to stand up for myself against bullies, and just being a timid, nervous wreck. I thrive on security, and I have been through a lot with my mother dying and all that but I know that I have been able to cope through it because of my secure lifestyle and environment. The feeling of safeness is one of the most soothing thoughts and feelings for me and gets me through just about any crisis life has to throw at me. I have a lot of treasured possessions (and I mean a LOT), and my art hobbies also keep me going. All this is within the safety and security of my home.
There is NO WAY that I'd ever be able to survive without a home no matter how good people claim being homeless can be. Sorry, but that cloud has no silver lining for me personally.

 

[vergil96]

"You're not trying hard enough, just grind your teeth and be tougher, you're just giving myself way too much leeway"

At worst, it has resulted in injuries and illnesses, at best in a waste of time and energy and not getting better

 

[DaisyRose]

Money equals happiness.

That is so wrong. I tired to put myself through a career that makes a lot of money, and not happiness. That can really run you down and ruin you.

 

[vergil96]

One time someone told me that being homeless isn't all that bad, as he was homeless before and enjoyed it.

What the actual hell? Of course not everyone has the health for that, maybe even most people.

Not a bunch of "being homeless shouldn't be the worst thing that can happen to you, just think of it like one big camping holiday!" Um, no, I'm not that way inclined. Sorry. Your advice is way too triggering.

Excuse me? What a jerk. Isn't he trying to be mean or something? It's hard to imagine how someone can be so unrealistic

He said I could get a second or even third job, not understanding that my anxiety, ADHD, Asperger's can mean an all-work lifestyle might lead to emotional burnout and more anxiety.

Excuse me? Which planet does he live on? Isn't he aware that there are many health reasons that render having two jobs unrealistic for MOST people and that is why MOST people have one (1) job? What an entitled jerk

I would plain argue back at him if I were you and if gets mad, good, he should stay the hell away from you or anyone who isn't up for his "genius" remarks, nobody wants that kind of behaviour around

And I hate them sort of people who think that just because I'm an adult I should be able to take on everything and know everything and never feel any negative emotions

Someone spaced out when saying that, seriously

What a smart aleck...

 

[Shamar]

I understand most people mean well when giving advice, but sometimes advice is only told from their perspectives by ableists who don't have a clue about your needs or your emotional state of mind. Some advice just isn't practical especially if it is from ableists who seem to think you're confident enough to take on the world.

One time someone told me that being homeless isn't all that bad, as he was homeless before and enjoyed it. OK maybe some people are resilient to that sort of thing, but not me. I don't care how much they're trying to help by giving me advice on how to survive without a secure home, it does not help me at all. Whenever I express concern about being homeless some time in the future (I'm not homeless now and hopefully will never be) what I desperately need is reassurance and advice on how to not be homeless ever, like as in the help and support resources available and what I can do, etc. Not a bunch of "being homeless shouldn't be the worst thing that can happen to you, just think of it like one big camping holiday!" Um, no, I'm not that way inclined. Sorry. Your advice is way too triggering.

The same guy gave me other stupid advice when I said I didn't have any money (no, I wasn't hinting anyone to lend me money, I was just venting). He said I could get a second or even third job, not understanding that my anxiety, ADHD, Asperger's can mean an all-work lifestyle might lead to emotional burnout and more anxiety. And he said I could perform gigs to make money. Ha! I don't belong in a band, although I can play the keyboard with one hand I'm still not talented enough in music to be able to perform for money.
I'm one of those know-nothing type of people. I'm quite simple, no good with figures, organisation, motivation, talent, focus, any of that.

He was an ableist who was also one of those know-it-alls who had a high IQ and had always been able to land on his feet. When he was homeless he just camped out with other homeless people and relied on drugs to keep himself warm and occupied.
That's all very well and good for some, but that's not for everyone. I was brought up in a very secure home, and have always had support from family, and grew up in a secure environment and attended school regularly and have never been into drink or drugs. So I probably wouldn't last 5 minutes living out on the streets. I would be too frightened and cold. I'd be like a domestic rabbit being released into the wild.

And I hate them sort of people who think that just because I'm an adult I should be able to take on everything and know everything and never feel any negative emotions. They don't seem to get that there is such a thing as being a vulnerable adult, and while I do have a good sense of danger and quite responsible and level-headed, I am still a vulnerable adult due to feeling emotions intensely, inability to stand up for myself against bullies, and just being a timid, nervous wreck. I thrive on security, and I have been through a lot with my mother dying and all that but I know that I have been able to cope through it because of my secure lifestyle and environment. The feeling of safeness is one of the most soothing thoughts and feelings for me and gets me through just about any crisis life has to throw at me. I have a lot of treasured possessions (and I mean a LOT), and my art hobbies also keep me going. All this is within the safety and security of my home.
There is NO WAY that I'd ever be able to survive without a home no matter how good people claim being homeless can be. Sorry, but that cloud has no silver lining for me personally.

The first thing to enter my mind when I read that is advice from my mother when she said "If you are lonely. just go out and meet people." In terms of skills and ability, it was akin to saying "If you want something to do, just go to the hospital and perform brain surgery," and in terms of anxiety inducing, "Just go out and swat a hornets' nest with a baseball bat." Was absolutely not going to happen.

Along the same lines, I once paid more than I could really afford to a job finding company (Haldane, supposed to be top rate). The program was being taught to "network." In other words, go to executives I had never met and ask them what companies might have job openings, then go and ask them the same thing. At the time, I thought it was the stupidest idea I had ever heard. In retrospect, it was probably a good idea for NTs, but when applied to me, it was like saying "Just go out and meet people."

 

[Cryptid]

"Drink (alcohol) more, and you'll have more fun."

 

[marc_101]

"Just be happy"

"Get over it"

"Everybody does that, don't worry"

 

[Jumpinbare]

Hmm. I have rarely gotten advice from people. I can only think of one example, and it turned out neutral - not particularly good or bad. Maybe I don't seem approachable enough for people to volunteer advice to me? (I do have that resting angry face). I have read Poor Richard's Almanac, so I guess you can say I got advice from Benjamin Franklin, but what applied to me seemed good.

 

[Aspychata]

Told by others to quit complaining, we all go through stuff. Umm, you wouldn't even believe half of what l have been thru in just one lifetime.

 

[kriss72]

I'll join the "just try harder" club, seems like we are a number of people in this thread that have gotten advices like that, best case it is completely useless and most likely it leads to serious problems later.

 

[Shevek]

"Do what you love and the money will follow" might be the worst general advice, but there is also the whole range of advice on how to get along that assumes that people react to men and women the same. In general, nobody cares about men's feelings, and social workers assume we are the villains in any conflict.

 

[NB79]

It's funny for me when they say, 'making friends is not that hard, just approach people and talk to them'

 

[marc_101]

It's funny for me when they say, 'making friends is not that hard, just approach people and talk to them'

That reminded me of:

"Get out there and meet people"

But where is the step-by-step manual for that?

 

[Misty Avich]

It's funny for me when they say, 'making friends is not that hard, just approach people and talk to them'

If I do that I get (or fear getting) the dreaded words of rejection:-
"We weren't talking to you"
"Quit following us"
"Stop whining"

Kids used to say these things all the time until it became meaningless to me. When I grew up and left school I thought adults wouldn't really say things like that but I learnt that the hard way in a volunteer job, where 60+-year-old women ganged up on me and said "we wasn't speaking to you!" whenever I tried joining in a group discussion. Then they kept "turning the tables" by deliberately trying to join in whenever I was having a conversation with somebody else. But it didn't work, as it didn't annoy me at all and what they were doing seemed right anyway. I see people doing it all the time.
Just the other day at work someone was telling me about a coworker who was leaving, and then someone else walked in the door, heard the word "leaving" and said "who's leaving?" I wouldn't have just said "we wasn't talking to you!" Instead we just told him, as it wasn't really a secret (although he wasn't to know that, as he just asked on impulse more than trying to be nosy or anything), and if we didn't feel like telling him then I would have just said "nobody" or something like "for me to know and you to find out." Anything but "I wasn't talking to you!" as there's no polite way of saying that unless the other person was being rude first (which I never was at my volunteer job).

The people at my volunteer job were cliquey, and I am very sensitive to cliquey behaviour. I can't bear to be around cliquey people, unless they're accepting of me of course, but I'm the sort to be friendly to everyone by default. There are some people I click with more than others but I'm still friendly and accepting of everyone unless they are nasty to me.

 

[jsilver256]

Well, I think @Misty takes the "worst advice ever" trophy with that homelessness advice...

Mine is more mundane. I got backstabbed with corporate politics all the while following the advice of those who backstabbed me. I should have realized that a lot of people are grifters and focused on differentiating myself by promoting actual results rather than trying to conform.

 

[Chailatte_]

I don't know, some of the vaguest and most annoying ones I often hear are: ‘You are too kind’,'forget about it,' 'let it go,' 'you need to learn to stand up for yourself,' 'if I were you, I would have gotten revenge on x.' These are all cliché phrases that would have been better left unsaid. The worst is when I talk about serious things like my family, and this person say: 'you're were too kind, if they had me as a child, I would have given them a heart attack.' I really don't understand these remarks, yet they are common. People spit out phrases without even connecting the situation to the person themselves. Then they tell me that I lack tact! I prefer not to say anything rather than give a prepackaged phrase.

 

[Aspychata]

Constantly get dating advice from others. You shouldn't date him, who are you dating? For once, I want to be asked who aren't you dating? I have dated, been married. End of subject. It's not a giant mystery. I don't need the classic line of but you need to be with someone. I now need to be with someone to keep the piranhas away in this state.

 

[Cryptid]

 

[tree]

I can't say it was the worst advice given to me,
for two reasons. A. I am still living, so haven't yet
experienced all the advice I may receive in my lifetime.
B. The advice was for my mother, about my sprained ankle,
when I was 14.

The man at the resort where we were staying said the best thing
to do was put boiling water in a pail and plenty of kerosene in it,
for me to soak my ankle.

Hard to believe, but she did do this.

Definitely did not produce a good result.

 

[Aspychata]

That's horrible @tree .

Just be yourself. Nope, l need to stim, get alone time, deal with anxiety. Being myself isn't good.