What's Romance Like Between Two Aspies?

[Knittingchick]

I would like to ask other members what it is like to be in a romantic relationship with another aspie since I have never had luck in establishing romance with men without ASDs and will not consider them again for romance. Recently several of my work colleagues have suggested that I try establishing romance with another aspie. I did take their advice but I knew that coming across a man another aspie is rare. :|

 

[IContainMultitudes]

Here's an article you might find to be of interest:

Navigating Love and Autism

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/26/us/navigating-love-and-autism.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all

 

[2010Dolby]

I think that the main advantage of dating another Aspie as opposed to an NT is that an Aspie can relate to and understand personal problems much better. I think that's the only advantage, too. It's a big bonus though.

Even an Aspie+Aspie relationship would have it's normal boyfriend and girlfriend problems just like any other relationship would but the two partners would be more able to understand the other one.

 

[Soup]

I'm an Aspie married to a HFA. We've been together for 11 yrs. He's what NTs call a workaholic. That's his 'narrow area of interest'. He works long hours daily & he's happy when he's busily working. I'm much more solitary than he is so the fact that he's gone a lot works out well for me: I require a tremendous amount of alone time & I never get lonely. Sometimes when he's at home, we're alone together. This is a hard concept to make people comprehend but its akin to small children engaged in parallel play: they're together but doing their own thing. He might be watching his home renovation/construction shows & I'll be in the next big chair vanished into my laptop. I don't interfere with him & he doesn't interfere with me. We do some together stuff too such as travelling. What works well too is the fact that he doesn't like to attend or host social gatherings & neither do I.

The way to make it work with another Aspie is to find one with compatible quirks. If he loves playing the drums for hours at a time & you crave silence forget about it! You need to know what you want & what you can tolerate. Much of what applies to Aspies in relationships applies to NTs as well. There are some Aspies who even make a relationship work with a NT (something I never could've managed). What's also essential is to know what is part of AS & what isn't. If the person tends to lose his or her temper & become aggressive or enraged, it isn't an Aspie trait: just plain old bad character. Make no excuses, don't try to figure it out or work through it: just get away from this person. The same goes for someone with substance abuse issues.

 

[gypsywillow]

I suspect my last boyfriend was an Aspie. He drove me crazy by refusing to make plans, he was hyperfocused on his special interests...during our time together, and he was reclusive and acted weird about going out in public. Other than all the ways he annoyed me, it was the best relationship I have ever had in some respects. We both had a love for nature and outdoors, so we would go out exploring a lot. We shared a special interest in technology, so we could geek out together. And the greatest feeling of all was that we respected the other's need for alone time...even when we were together, we were alone together...side by side in our own worlds. Once I figured out he wasn't going to complain about me reading while we were eating, I started appreciating all of the ways we complemented each other. But social engagements were always awkward, so we wound up avoiding those. I think when I date an NT I'm more sociable, but there is nothing like being together and just existing quietly with an Aspie.

 

[gypsywillow]

And now I'm going grammar police...my last sentence said "an" NT, but the website automatically changed it to Neurotypical and now my grammar isn't correct and that is bugging me.

 

[Megan]

Here's an article you might find to be of interest:

Navigating Love and Autism

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/26/us/navigating-love-and-autism.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all

That was inspiring.

What does the author mean by "classic Aspie style"? Is the author saying that this is an Aspie-ish thing to say?

Then it was Jack?s turn to answer, in classic Aspie style. ?I think I sort of lucked out,? he said. ?I have no doubt if I wasn?t dating Kirsten I would have a very hard time acquiring a girlfriend that was worthwhile.?

 

[Benevolent Fiend]

I've dated two girls who were aspie in the past, and left both of them because of their delusions and obsessiveness and immaturity. The first one believed in dr who and believed it was real and that she was a time lord and married to the dr, she also believed in the tamora pierce realms and that she was a princess in them and married to the prince, she also believed that she was a wiccan, a christian and a lord of hell all at the same time... I went along with it for a while, but got tired of it and tried to reason with her, yet all it got me was a hit across the face, needles to say that ended that relationship. The other one was overly obsessed with p!nk, justin timberlake, the hairspray movie, high-school musical and was extremely immature and selfish! She kept complaining that she never had nay money left cos she spent it all on herself, yet while she didn't have to pay board to her parents, I did (and I paid it willingly), and yet I still had money left over. I left her after one time, we were in the shops and the greetings/bag check clerk at one shop asked to look into her bag, my ex chucked a huge hissy fit and so i ended it and left her then and there. Both of them (who are/were bestfriends with each other) constantly used their disability as a cover for extreme immaturity, bad behavior and selfishness.. I can only handle so much immaturity and selfishness (And even now as I am typing this I am doing my best to be not so immature and selfish myself, for the best of not myself but for my entire family), my wife understands me than any of my family members do, and even my parents told her that she does better with me than they ever did (it also helps she did a bit of a disability course in the past)... so yeah for some it might help, but for others (like me who were diagnosed late in life and were raised to live a "normal" life) it isn't the best thing, but quite possibly the worst thing they could do.. Just my own personal perspective and opinion on it tho

 

[Soup]

The 2 women you describe above sound like they've got a lot more going on that 'just' being Aspies: esp the one harbouring all those delusions.

 

[Knittingchick]

:biggrin:
Yes, I do believe that two aspies in a romantic relationship will have a better understanding of each other if they are both diagnosed and labelled with the condition and they both know that each other has the condition. They both will have less explaining to do to each other when it comes to each of them showing symptoms of the Aspergers condition since their aspie partner may recognise them more often.

 

[garnetflower13]

I am Aspie, and my husband is mildly autistic. While we truly love and appreciate each other, the things that lead to fights for us are misinterpreting each others intentions, signals and body language. Also we both require huge blocks of solitude, which can lead to problems if one of us is feeling like company and the other wants to pursue their interests. We still struggle with that. But we also find a lot of the same things interesting or funny so that's a plus!

 

[GoofKing]

I'm currently in a relationship with another Aspie and I personally think that she's my soul mate. We have a lot in common to the point of almost being a fairy tale relationship.

I think garnetflower13 has a point as a relationship between two Aspies is a lot like any other relationship except maybe a little more understanding between the two.

But that doesn't mean it's an automatic and easy relationship as there's problems and compromises to go through and just because the two are Aspies doesn't mean it's going to work out perfectly. If it's meant to be than it's meant to be but if it's not it's not, just like any relationship despite being Aspie/Autie or not

 

[Sparticus]

Female dating authors for years now have been advising women to FLIRT more especially offline. But for Aspies I'd suggest you flirt more online in Aspie forums like this one. The above authors suggest saying hello or complimenting on something.

Good luck!!!!!!!!!! I've never dated an Aspie woman [to my knowledge] and think that would be great if that happened.

I would like to ask other members what it is like to be in a romantic relationship with another aspie since I have never had luck in establishing romance with men without ASDs and will not consider them again for romance. Recently several of my work colleagues have suggested that I try establishing romance with another aspie. I did take their advice but I knew that coming across a man another aspie is rare. :|

 

[Taralyn]

I suspect my last boyfriend was an Aspie. He drove me crazy by refusing to make plans, he was hyperfocused on his special interests...during our time together, and he was reclusive and acted weird about going out in public. Other than all the ways he annoyed me, it was the best relationship I have ever had in some respects. We both had a love for nature and outdoors, so we would go out exploring a lot. We shared a special interest in technology, so we could geek out together. And the greatest feeling of all was that we respected the other's need for alone time...even when we were together, we were alone together...side by side in our own worlds. Once I figured out he wasn't going to complain about me reading while we were eating, I started appreciating all of the ways we complemented each other. But social engagements were always awkward, so we wound up avoiding those. I think when I date an NT I'm more sociable, but there is nothing like being together and just existing quietly with an Aspie.

If you don't mind my asking, Why did the relationship end?

 

[arthousesalem]

I'm an Aspie married to a HFA. We've been together for 11 yrs. He's what NTs call a workaholic. That's his 'narrow area of interest'. He works long hours daily & he's happy when he's busily working. I'm much more solitary than he is so the fact that he's gone a lot works out well for me: I require a tremendous amount of alone time & I never get lonely. Sometimes when he's at home, we're alone together. This is a hard concept to make people comprehend but its akin to small children engaged in parallel play: they're together but doing their own thing. He might be watching his home renovation/construction shows & I'll be in the next big chair vanished into my laptop. I don't interfere with him & he doesn't interfere with me. We do some together stuff too such as travelling. What works well too is the fact that he doesn't like to attend or host social gatherings & neither do I.

The way to make it work with another Aspie is to find one with compatible quirks. If he loves playing the drums for hours at a time & you crave silence forget about it! You need to know what you want & what you can tolerate. Much of what applies to Aspies in relationships applies to NTs as well. There are some Aspies who even make a relationship work with a NT (something I never could've managed). What's also essential is to know what is part of AS & what isn't. If the person tends to lose his or her temper & become aggressive or enraged, it isn't an Aspie trait: just plain old bad character. Make no excuses, don't try to figure it out or work through it: just get away from this person. The same goes for someone with substance abuse issues.

Sorry need clarification what is "HFA"?

 

[Ste11aeres]

Sorry need clarification what is "HFA"?

High Functioning Autism.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Female dating authors for years now have been advising women to FLIRT more especially offline. But for Aspies I'd suggest you flirt more online in Aspie forums like this one. The above authors suggest saying hello or complimenting on something.

Good luck!!!!!!!!!! I've never dated an Aspie woman [to my knowledge] and think that would be great if that happened.

In my opinion, online "flirting" is not the same as real life flirting.

 

[Ereth]

In my opinion, online "flirting" is not the same as real life flirting.

Flirting can be as deep or shallow online as it is offline. Online flirting lacks physical contact, but it makes up for that in other areas. But yes, it probably is more difficult to determine if someone is flirting if it's happening online.

 

[Judge]

Flirting can be as deep or shallow online as it is offline. Online flirting lacks physical contact, but it makes up for that in other areas. But yes, it probably is more difficult to determine if someone is flirting if it's happening online.

Sounds fascinating, but I admit, it also puzzles me. Perhaps just the right use of words on someone...but I can't see standard lines some dufus would use in a bar setting that would work either. Truth is, my idea of flirting would be pretty basic. To simply want to learn more about someone and be rather open about it to them. But is that really flirting? Probably not....

What would you ladies specifically consider as flirting online? I'm all ears.

 

[Ereth]

Sounds fascinating, but I admit, it also puzzles me. Perhaps just the right use of words on someone...but I can't see standard lines some dufus would use in a bar setting that would work either. Truth is, my idea of flirting would be pretty basic. To simply want to learn more about someone and be rather open about it to them. But is that really flirting? Probably not....

It's difficult to explain how online flirting happens to work for me, but I'll try. Part of it has to do with how I grew up hearing about how ugly and unattractive I was from so many people. It left me struggling with body image issues. So being able to be seen for who I really am first and foremost means so much to me. And then, when my now-boyfriend said he thought I was cute during a photo swap, I was so afraid I was being tricked. But he's never been anything but honest with me, so I know he truly thinks I'm attractive.

For every entirely shallow person on the Internet, there is someone willing to get to know the real you.