This thread is very relevant to me right now. I've been trying to make friends with someone and I've got to that stage I always get to where I remember that I've tried so many times in the past to make friends with many people and failed so many times, I can't believe I let myself believe it would somehow be different this time around. It's like stumbling in a race and watching everyone else sprint off over the horizon. At last you stop struggling to catch up and just accept that you cannot run this race.
The pain is seeing how other people relate to each other and how much fun they appear to be having, how relaxed and happy they are, and knowing that I can never have that in the same way. Other people seem so full of life with a spontaneity that just bursts forth, but for me it just gets stuck inside. I may be happy on the inside but I can't seem to share that feeling with anyone else. The best analogy I can think of is like when your favourite song comes on but you're stuck rooted to the ground, just watching everyone else dance to it.
The closest I seem to get to happiness is via a consolation of accepting my lot and thereby temporarily freeing myself of anxiety. But the natural desire for companionship cannot be completely denied, so then I'm back into the turbulence of both wanting and not wanting to connect with other people, of wanting to run the race alongside them while knowing it to be futile.
This is exactly how I feel right now, especially the middle paragraph, but really, all of it. And it's not just happiness inside that can't be shared. It's sadness, concern, despair, fear, anticipation...it's like being completely isolated on an emotional level. Every emotion I feel, I must face alone. There is no connection with outside emotional resources.
Yes, the anxiety decreases when I'm focused on "accepting"...focused on developing a sense of inner solitude. But I see how much it hurts the people around me when I withdraw into that solitude. So then I try to reach out to them in ways I think they want...but it feels so empty on the inside to do that. So then I feel like a fraud
and a failure.
So then, back to acceptance...trying to accept that this is who I am. And that as I become more accepting of myself, perhaps my efforts to reach out will feel more genuine to other people. But then it's always giving, never receiving. If I'm always trying to give out what people need, but nothing comes back in...how am I supposed to survive like that?
For those few people who are still around me: What is it that I actually need from other people, if I can't experience emotional connection with them?
For those people I make the effort to try to build a new relationship: What am I doing wrong? What is it about me that keeps driving people off? It seems I come across too intensely, once I do open up. So I try to protect people from the real me. But then the relationship is empty, and often turns into nothing.
The Prime Directive is...don't hurt other people. How can I achieve that, and still be my awkward, intense, awful self?
I'm over the ball controversy now, but me and my friend still haven't spoken to each other. It looks like I'm going to have to make the first move again, as we have gotten into little tiffs before and I have always had to be the first to say something. It's hard maintaining friendships, but we've been friends for over 10 yrs so I think it's worth some effort. I'm very loyal to my friends. 
