Trying to learn not to objectify women anymore.

[taosage]

I thought this might be good advice, or words for other guys.

My biggest hurdle to attracting women is that I see them as a goal, not as a person. I see women I am attracted to and get tunnel vision.

I need to learn that there are many beautiful women, and the best way to attract them is to treat them like a friend. be nice to them, focus on their face, not on their bodies.

Its difficult because I feel so much sexual tension around women i have eyes for. But flirting is friendly, at first. Its how people get to know one another.

Since I decided to be celibate I have better times with women. Now I flirt with them but without the pressure. Just another lovely lady, another individual, unique person. Not an object or a goal or game (as in hunting).

This outlook has helped me a lot.

 

[Socialskillsdan]

Yeah, your attitude towards interacting with women helps a lot It also helps to take a look at the images of women that you're feeding yourself. If you spend a lot of time thinking sexual thoughts, or viewing sexual media, then you will condition yourself to view women sexually. It's kind of like a Pavlov's dog kind of thing--if you constantly view women in a sexual context, it's hard to remove that when you need to. So spending some time thinking about the ways that you might be conditioning yourself to view women sexually, and then removing those ways from your life, can be a big help. Plus, it will help you in your relationships with women if things progress--most women don't want to be with a man that has sex on the brain constantly.

 

[RavenSly]

I agree that Objectification of Women is a problem, but in the end, if you realize that you do it, that's not the end. "Tomorrow's a new day." as they say, so you can always do what you have to to change. Still, I don't think suppressing those feelings is really the right thing to do, nor is it for that matter, even healthy. In addition, Celibacy also seems to be a rather extreme approach, and I guess that I would only say for you to keep doing it as long as you truly believe you have to to prevent yourself from falling back into those old habits. Once you're over them however, I think you should allow yourself to become sexually active again, as completely depriving yourself of any sexual stimulation like that after having become so dependent on it will be very taxing on you.

Lust and sexual attraction are always going to be an influence on how you interact with whatever sex you're attracted to, and denying that will only cause those feelings to brew inside you before resurfacing in some other, most likely very negative way. What I would say would be not to fight those feelings, but also not to feed them by focusing so much on your libido. Sex is like an addiction, if you focus too much on it, it will grow and grow until it gets out of control and consumes you. So, a person should allow it to be there, but in moderation, and only stimulate it in reasonable amounts.

As for how I would solve your problems with interacting with women in the first place, I would just say that you had been failing because you were approaching those interactions from the wrong angle. Instead of flirting with women because you think they're "hot" and find them sexually attractive, pursue women that you actually want to have a lasting relationship with, a woman who you could love out of romantic attraction, not just lust [still, she should also be sexually attractive enough that you find her pretty. Don't set your standards too high, only accepting a girl if she has a model's body, as if you do, you'll never find anyone, but just choose someone who you'd be comfortable with].

 

[2010Dolby]

Im happy you decided to change you're paradigm on women. I've never had a problem with objectifying girls, but I've gotten into many, many, many fist fights with men that have. (Sorry if that seems angry, Im not I promise! ) I'd never thought of it before but it makes sense that Aspie men may have more of a problem with this then NT men. When neorotypical men do it, thats when I have a problem with them. But I can completely see how it can be an accidental condition with Aspie guys. I know theres a lot of times where I tend to see acquintances or distant friends more as "assets" to help me achieve something. I had mentioned this way of my thinking in another thread about making friends over the past few days. I suppose theres different degrees and varioutions of objectification.

You'll see that when you become a man of chivalry things usually go better in relationships. You need any advice just PM me. This is a great topic for a thread and a fantastic thing to actively try to change.

 

[taosage]

Yes, I persue women like game, and I objectify them as my goals, or my prize.

But now, I have gone celibate, and it's like a weight lifted. I can have fun with women, be friendly with them, and all of a sudden my flirtation skills have improved tremendously, like I am not nervous.

I think my obsssion with sex was really creating a lot of confusion and chaos in my life.

Most women want monogamy, stability, even if they have supressed this desire. They want to be loved and a partnership. I can't believe I used to look up to guys who had sex with a lot of women.

I followed their foot steps and it got me nowhere. It caused broken hearts (and mine too). It was only good a handful of times, the rest of the time just another bodily function. Boring.

But in a way now too I feel like I am more attracted to women than ever. Because i can get to know their personalities which turns me on. Paradoxically, I went celibate and now I have more opportunities to play.

 

[epath13]

I thought this might be good advice, or words for other guys.

My biggest hurdle to attracting women is that I see them as a goal, not as a person. I see women I am attracted to and get tunnel vision.

I need to learn that there are many beautiful women, and the best way to attract them is to treat them like a friend. be nice to them, focus on their face, not on their bodies.

Its difficult because I feel so much sexual tension around women i have eyes for. But flirting is friendly, at first. Its how people get to know one another.

Since I decided to be celibate I have better times with women. Now I flirt with them but without the pressure. Just another lovely lady, another individual, unique person. Not an object or a goal or game (as in hunting).

This outlook has helped me a lot.

Well, I'm not sure if you ever coming back to your own thread, it seems that quite a few new folks don't but anyway...that's an interesting approach - the celibacy... And to be honest, not a bad one depending on your life goals. Now as for women, you've said you're seeing attractive women as a goal, do you actually try to achieve "the goal" or you're just thinking about it. Plus, do you think that women are equal beings? If you answered "yes" to both questions( thinking and equal), you're fine. And if you have high sex drive or for some reason obsessed with it, it would be pretty hard to focus on other women's qualities. You know, I believe a lot of people see others that way. They might not even realize it, and the ones that present themselfs as "good" definetely are not going to admit it. I don't really know if men are mostly that way, I can't really tell. When I was much younger I had lots of guy friends, I thought they were my pals. Then I realized once they figured that I'm not interested in sex, they were gone. I remember one a.hole, who knew we had troubles with drummers in the band, so he joined the band. When I told him that he doesn't have any chance, he left the band, not just left, left with an attitude, like I owed him something. Now you tell me, what's worse?

 

[Grubby]

taosage, it sounds like where you were pre-celibacy is where I am now!

I see women as sexual objects, or rather goals to be fulfilled. I feel like women are keeping their bodies from me and I have to find some way to possess them!

I've been celibate for 28 years, and I never had fun with women at all. I feel a lot of anger from those years, like since no one ever showed interest in me I was being continually rejected. The dating game is a tremendous nuisance; I wish I could skip all of it and get right to the sex.

I guess this is shallow thinking, but I can see how it is normal too.

 

[RubenX]

A little bit of wisdom for you all... regardless if you still see women as objects, or goals, or persons... the whole concept is gonna get upside down the moment you have a daughter. Holding my little girl in my arms for the first time, completely changed all my concepts of what a woman is. This can't be learned, it has to be experienced.