Trying to improve

[aj]

Hey guys, been a while since i last come here so hope to see many familiar faces .

Anyways i have A/S and been trying to fit in but its hard. I know you all probably struggle the same and i was hoping for some aspie guidness . For example:
I found someone i truly care about and I'm trying hard to open up/make her laugh ect... Being myself will be good enough but i struggle with the anxiety and i go really quite. I don't know what to say and i cant spontaneously do stuff for fun. Like i would think of the funny stuff but its actually doing it is the problem. I am not my complete self when I'm around her, i have known her for 7 months and always been there for her. We are very close but i need to relax and be in control of my emotions. I want to be myself without any problems but I'm struggling to. This condition effects me too much, i spent years to understand it and how it effects me so i can find ways to improve. But i think i made it worse cause its drilled into my head and effects me worse. Sorry to ramble but trying to let you all know the story and think maybe some of you has been in my shoes and found a solution that works. I know i can count on you guys, and always appreciate the help given

 

[tree]

Are you saying that you don't feel comfortable with
your own sense of humor because you are afraid it
will be taken wrong/not come off the way you intend?
And you don't want the girl to think you are a weirdo?

How close is this to what is going on within you?

 

[aj]

Are you saying that you don't feel comfortable with
your own sense of humor because you are afraid it
will be taken wrong/not come off the way you intend?
And you don't want the girl to think you are a weirdo?

How close is this to what is going on within you?

Well i just struggle to joke about cause of the anxiety and then just keep quite and refuse to which i regret. But yeah also what you said, and i dont understand what you mean by how close is this to what is going on with you? Sorry to ask

 

[tree]

Well i just struggle to joke about cause of the anxiety and then just keep quite and refuse to which i regret. But yeah also what you said, and i dont understand what you mean by how close is this to what is going on with you? Sorry to ask

It is OK to ask for clarification when what the other person
has said isn't understandable to you.

What I meant by "How close is this to what is going on with you?" was/is
How well does this describe your experience?

 

[On the Inside]

I've had similar experiences when with some women I have dated. I was very attracted to them, yet couldn't really relax and be "my self". I put that in quotes because as an Aspie, I feel there are two "me's". The one who is anxious, stumbles on words, goes blank, says dumb things because I can't think of anything to say. And the one who is more relaxed, can be funny, a little spontaneous, able to express myself.

That second me will be present when I feel a connection with the other, I feel comfortable. I don't know if this is some sort of signal that we are a good match or not, but the three women that I felt the most comfortable with I wound up having relationships with, the others, I had one or two dates with and that was it. I was really into them, but I just couldn't be myself, the real me who is less Aspie.

I wish I had some advice, but I don't know how this mechanism works. I have come to think of it somewhat magically, that it's about the alignment of the stars or something. I'm too logical to believe that, but who knows.

I wish you good luck.

 

[LoveDream]

Hey guys, been a while since i last come here so hope to see many familiar faces .

Anyways i have A/S and been trying to fit in but its hard. I know you all probably struggle the same and i was hoping for some aspie guidness . For example:
I found someone i truly care about and I'm trying hard to open up/make her laugh ect... Being myself will be good enough but i struggle with the anxiety and i go really quite. I don't know what to say and i cant spontaneously do stuff for fun. Like i would think of the funny stuff but its actually doing it is the problem. I am not my complete self when I'm around her, i have known her for 7 months and always been there for her. We are very close but i need to relax and be in control of my emotions. I want to be myself without any problems but I'm struggling to. This condition effects me too much, i spent years to understand it and how it effects me so i can find ways to improve. But i think i made it worse cause its drilled into my head and effects me worse. Sorry to ramble but trying to let you all know the story and think maybe some of you has been in my shoes and found a solution that works. I know i can count on you guys, and always appreciate the help given

Good Morning! I know you asked for other Aspie's advice, but I'd like to offer mine if that's okay.

I'm an NT female and I'd like to share that the same happens to us when we talk to our crush. We get anxiety, we blank out, we say things all mixed up, we over-think things, we stumble and can just be tongue tied. It's endearing not a bad thing and is something we all experience.

I know that it helps me when Mr. LoveDream (who is an Aspie) tells me, what he's experiencing or what he meant. For example, if he's really nervous, it's okay, to say, "I'm really nervous because I really like you" and that makes my heart happy, because all I focus on is that "he really likes me". Or if you tell a joke, and she doesn't get it, explain it to her or make a joke, about how you aren't the best joke teller (just play it off). She won't think you are weird, she will just laugh it off. Or if you are really quiet, that's okay. Just be sure to tell her that you are enjoying her presence or just like being around her or that you are having a good time or you are happy. This helps her not have to "guess" why you are quiet and will help you, maybe not be so anxious about her reaction to you being quiet.

Or try to plan activities that you like to do, where you can be more yourself and in an environment that is comfortable for you. If you really like cars, try to go to a car show or race or if you love movies, then plan a fun movie night and have a stack of your favorite movies that you let her choose the one to watch. Or if you love games, puzzles and facts maybe find a restaurant that does 'Trivia Night', enjoy good food and impress her with your knowledge.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope some of this helps. I know this is extremely hard but if you try to be yourself and give her the opportunity to really know the real 'you'. The real 'you' has lots of wonderful and positive characteristics!

 

[paloftoon]

You can also consider writing some things in a note, e-mail, or instant message rather than in-person. It may be easier to and worth considering to express some things in this manner.

 

[AngieBeara]

Hey guys, been a while since i last come here so hope to see many familiar faces .

Anyways i have A/S and been trying to fit in but its hard. I know you all probably struggle the same and i was hoping for some aspie guidness . For example:
I found someone i truly care about and I'm trying hard to open up/make her laugh ect... Being myself will be good enough but i struggle with the anxiety and i go really quite. I don't know what to say and i cant spontaneously do stuff for fun. Like i would think of the funny stuff but its actually doing it is the problem. I am not my complete self when I'm around her, i have known her for 7 months and always been there for her. We are very close but i need to relax and be in control of my emotions. I want to be myself without any problems but I'm struggling to. This condition effects me too much, i spent years to understand it and how it effects me so i can find ways to improve. But i think i made it worse cause its drilled into my head and effects me worse. Sorry to ramble but trying to let you all know the story and think maybe some of you has been in my shoes and found a solution that works. I know i can count on you guys, and always appreciate the help given

I know what you're saying sometimes I do the same things sometimes or screw them up.Or say something to defend somebody not knowingly, and before I realize I said it or did it its to late. And I end up losing a friend or possibly a relationship of some sort.

 

[AngieBeara]

you know what just being yourself helps tremendously. If you pretend to be someone else I don't think that would help much for you or for the person you care about because they would expect more out of you all the time. I don't know. But being yourself is very important you are you and that is what counts just go for it if you make mistakes you know what there is a such thing as an eraser in our case we can erase and be forgiven and have do-overs too. I'm sure she'll understand if she falls for yu as much as u do for her i mean i dont kno. u have heart so does she ure only human

 

[aj]

It is OK to ask for clarification when what the other person
has said isn't understandable to you.

What I meant by "How close is this to what is going on with you?" was/is
How well does this describe your experience?

Yeah but im easily lost and dont want to be a pain cause i still dont understand. I find it easier to not say anything, it saves me from looking stupid. Sorry i know its annoying and makes me look bad

 

[aj]

You can also consider writing some things in a note, e-mail, or instant message rather than in-person. It may be easier to and worth considering to express some things in this manner.

That would be cool to write letters, be like back to school thing in a way. Plus i can get out what i need to, its just i don't want to put her off. Maybe she will understand tho cause she told me the same advice with my parents.

Ok this is a great example to what i mean in my topic, i think of things but afraid to do it.

 

[aj]

I know what you're saying sometimes I do the same things sometimes or screw them up.Or say something to defend somebody not knowingly, and before I realize I said it or did it its to late. And I end up losing a friend or possibly a relationship of some sort.

Pretty much what frightens me, im afraid that will happen so i keep quite when that happens to make sure i dont screw up, thats why i came here cause i need the help.

It means alott aswell

 

[David Larson]

Buckle up, here's some psychology:

Intimacy, whether romantic or platonic, is very tricky for us-all-people to achieve. According to Transactional Analysis, a school of psychology concerned with how we interact, intimacy is achieved when two people interact with each other from psychological ego state of "the child"; that is, how we were as a very young child. The problem for us is that our childhoods were usually traumatic at worst or awkward at best, so we don't really have much good child-data to draw from.

Instead, we often try to achieve intimacy from the ego state of "the adult". The advantage and disadvantage we had over other children is that (in my opinion, not Eric Berne's) we Autistics started developing our adult ego state extremely early in life, further limiting the amount of child-data we would need to achieve true intimacy. The adult ego state is concerned with the who/what/when/where/how/why, which dominated our thinking by 3-5 years of age while NT children were essentially still developing their base child ego-state by being raucous little monsters.

Attempting to achieve intimacy from an adult ego state will in the best case scenario result in a sort of faux-intimacy, where you and the other person may get along and agree with each other but fail to connect on a deeper intimate level. This is our problem with intimacy - we have very little child-data to use in our interactions where intimacy is a possibility.

The practical application: when you find yourself with nothing to say, it's because you're in the mindset of the who/what/when/where/why/how. You want that information to be useful, or perhaps funny or ironic. For reasons I've already outlined, that won't get you anywhere, and the harder you try the worse whatever comes out is, if anything at all.

As far as what to do, that's another million dollar question regarding ASD. You could learn to be satisfied with the faux-intimacy, but that hardly satisfies. Perhaps a course of study could be observing interactions between NT children, refining the words down to the essence of the messages being exchanged, and build something more adult-sounding upon that foundation; mimicry, essentially. Mimicry is living a lie, but it's served me well in life.

My non-psychology answer: The psychology behind how to fix this is so convoluted and would require so much work with no promise of actual results that I say keep being yourself, just learn some relaxation techniques to keep yourself calm, and if you can just let go and truly be yourself she'll come around eventually.

 

[aj]

you know what just being yourself helps tremendously. If you pretend to be someone else I don't think that would help much for you or for the person you care about because they would expect more out of you all the time. I don't know. But being yourself is very important you are you and that is what counts just go for it if you make mistakes you know what there is a such thing as an eraser in our case we can erase and be forgiven and have do-overs too. I'm sure she'll understand if she falls for yu as much as u do for her i mean i dont kno. u have heart so does she ure only human

Im trying to be myself buddy but im scared, shy, anxious ect... Its out of my control. I want to be myself cuase i know it will be better for both of us when im me. I know how i am when im relaxed and not overthinking or anxious ect... I did think it was because i go out of my comfort zone to see her, (new environment,people ect) but hoped i got use to it, i have tablets which i might go back to taking.

 

[aj]

Buckle up, here's some psychology:

Intimacy, whether romantic or platonic, is very tricky for us-all-people to achieve. According to Transactional Analysis, a school of psychology concerned with how we interact, intimacy is achieved when two people interact with each other from psychological ego state of "the child"; that is, how we were as a very young child. The problem for us is that our childhoods were usually traumatic at worst or awkward at best, so we don't really have much good child-data to draw from.

Instead, we often try to achieve intimacy from the ego state of "the adult". The advantage and disadvantage we had over other children is that (in my opinion, not Eric Berne's) we Autistics started developing our adult ego state extremely early in life, further limiting the amount of child-data we would need to achieve true intimacy. The adult ego state is concerned with the who/what/when/where/how/why, which dominated our thinking by 3-5 years of age while NT children were essentially still developing their base child ego-state by being raucous little monsters.

Attempting to achieve intimacy from an adult ego state will in the best case scenario result in a sort of faux-intimacy, where you and the other person may get along and agree with each other but fail to connect on a deeper intimate level. This is our problem with intimacy - we have very little child-data to use in our interactions where intimacy is a possibility.

The practical application: when you find yourself with nothing to say, it's because you're in the mindset of the who/what/when/where/why/how. You want that information to be useful, or perhaps funny or ironic. For reasons I've already outlined, that won't get you anywhere, and the harder you try the worse whatever comes out is, if anything at all.

As far as what to do, that's another million dollar question regarding ASD. You could learn to be satisfied with the faux-intimacy, but that hardly satisfies. Perhaps a course of study could be observing interactions between NT children, refining the words down to the essence of the messages being exchanged, and build something more adult-sounding upon that foundation; mimicry, essentially. Mimicry is living a lie, but it's served me well in life.

My non-psychology answer: The psychology behind how to fix this is so convoluted and would require so much work with no promise of actual results that I say keep being yourself, just learn some relaxation techniques to keep yourself calm, and if you can just let go and truly be yourself she'll come around eventually.

Your psychology answer taught me something i diddnt know, but i prefered the non psychology answer thank you for both.

 

[AngieBeara]

Yeah but im easily lost and dont want to be a pain cause i still dont understand. I find it easier to not say anything, it saves me from looking stupid. Sorry i know its annoying and makes me look bad

I kno that But I was just saying that too. I'm lost too sometimes.

 

[Beverly]

I know it's hard to do, but tell her that if you let go an be yourself, you have a quirky sense of humor and, you're brutally honest, you don't mean anything hurtful by it, that's just how you are. 99% of people understand at least that much about ASD, some of the other stuff like sensory issues, meltdowns and such is harder to get them to understand.

 

[Jonathan Lees]

im very similar when i really like someone, i don't have an answer but i just hope one day i find someone who tries actively to make me more comfortable and helps me out of my shell, it gets better and easier with time also.

 

[aj]

Thanks guys for all your advice, means alott. Just to let you know aswell that we went out for food yesterday and it couldnt of got better. I was my complete self which never happens in these situations. I was actually proud of myself and happy that she seen my complete self. Had a great laugh and i was even joking around and making them laugh. Made a few mistakes later that day but learned from them. Meaning overthinking which lead to texting but i think shes use to that. Idk weather to leave it or explain why i do it. But its something i got to stop doing. I even broke down in work from it cause what was going through my head and how i was feeling. Bit embarrassing to admit but you probably understand it or have experienced it yourself. Anyways im all good now

 

[Jonathan Lees]

Thanks guys for all your advice, means alott. Just to let you know aswell that we went out for food yesterday and it couldnt of got better. I was my complete self which never happens in these situations. I was actually proud of myself and happy that she seen my complete self. Had a great laugh and i was even joking around and making them laugh. Made a few mistakes later that day but learned from them. Meaning overthinking which lead to texting but i think shes use to that. Idk weather to leave it or explain why i do it. But its something i got to stop doing. I even broke down in work from it cause what was going through my head and how i was feeling. Bit embarrassing to admit but you probably understand it or have experienced it yourself. Anyways im all good now

sounds good generally, you are going in the right direction. i also can send to many messages and i think many aspies are similar, its probably best to explain Asperger's rather than trying to explain over messaging, but im sure if you have got this far she doesn't mind, if she does mind she probably would have told you. hope all goes well.