The truth about Aspergers?

[Fitzo]

If your doctor 'assured' you that you didn't have it....

I wonder if he was doing his NT patient care thing that would work with most people (and he would do subconsciously with everyone)

Ie re-assurance for those who are ill.
Caring talk
Break it to you gently.
Oh you'll be fine, not to worry

That kind of thing. In your case.. the opposite applies.. you don't need his standard script but opinion.
Mind you bring this up, he'll likely deny it (it being subconscious anyway) then be annoyed with you (then deny that)

So this wasnt helpful in any respect

Maybe it helps,you categorise your doctors NT ailments in terms of ASD patient care...

Oh I'm sure you are right. He thought he was doing the right thing reassuring me I don't have something as undesirable autism. However when I said ok how do you explain it then..... he put it down to mental illness! Thanks a lot! Much better to be thrown in the mentally ill basket than have a genetic condition! I AM going to let him know though because even if I was the first mature adult to cross his path I'm damn sure I won't be the last!

 

[Chance]

Everything I've read and heard tells me women with AS experience much more difficulty getting a diagnosis than men. Especially women like me who have managed to 'appear' to be highly functional for such a long time. I got very adept at hiding my meltdowns from people and moving on to a new job or new place every time things got tricky.
I do understand your reaction to being told you had AS because I had very mixed emotions when I realised I probably had it. On the one hand it explained a lifetime of questions with no answers but......... on the other hand it felt like s*#t another defect to add to the list! (No offence to anyone here). It also made me start second guessing myself about things I thought I understood, but maybe didn't.
It was only after I got such a negative reaction from the know-it-all doctor that I realised I really DO want a definitive diagnosis even if it's only so I don't have to put up with that kind of reaction from anyone else.
I have read some of your other posts about your relationship with your wife and ........ I hate to say this........... but it reminds me very much of my parents relationship. I'm almost certain my Dad had AS, but that's something we'll never know since he died 13 years ago.........but I'm sure my mother has narcissistic personality disorder. She refuses to recognise ANY mental health issues in our family as she only sees things in relation to her. She won't have anything that reflects badly (in her mind) on her. And she tried to control EVERYTHING my Dad did. He was no pushover, but in the end he usually bowed under the weight of the stress caused in trying to fight her. But they just fought constantly. I look back on my childhood as like living in a war zone. His anger and her nagging. In saying that though, he always seemed so happy to have her back if she went away for any period of time. I never understood it, but it makes lot more sense to me now I understand what was going on for both of them. I hope you don't mind me telling you that.

No, I don't mind you telling me... Thats why we are here. I don't want to be always second guessing myself (which I will anyway). I sort of think maybe my wife is a narcissist. She can hide stuff so well that she makes me look like a fool. She has to control everything. She talks down to me just like I am a child in front of other people... Not sure if she is a narcissist or not, maybe just a control freak.

I cant hide stuff if I am deeply upset. I think that is one ASD deficiency that I cant seem to grasp real well. My brain just shuts me down, I cant stop it, and that seems to make things worse because she wants to fight, and just go off in my head somewhere safe.

I also think you are right ladies are very good at "masking" and in many ways that is admirable. Also since your doc was a jerk... My stubbornness would probably come out also for me to know one way or the other.

My wife openly states pretty often that she hates me, but she never once has made an effort to leave...
I have even told her (kindly) that I understand if she needs to go and find someone better she just storms off screaming that all I have to do is change and she will be fine... There is no logic in that, nothing adds up. So I'm just seeing this twisted picture that she either likes being angry and controlling, or she just wants a free ride in a comfortable setting where she knows if she screams at me enough, I will give in.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

No, I don't mind you telling me... Thats why we are here. I don't want to be always second guessing myself (which I will anyway). I sort of think maybe my wife is a narcissist. She can hide stuff so well that she makes me look like a fool. She has to control everything. She talks down to me just like I am a child in front of other people... Not sure if she is a narcissist or not, maybe just a control freak.

I cant hide stuff if I am deeply upset. I think that is one ASD deficiency that I cant seem to grasp real well. My brain just shuts me down, I cant stop it, and that seems to make things worse because she wants to fight, and just go off in my head somewhere safe.

I also think you are right ladies are very good at "masking" and in many ways that is admirable. Also since your doc was a jerk... My stubbornness would probably come out also for me to know one way or the other.

My wife openly states pretty often that she hates me, but she never once has made an effort to leave...
I have even told her (kindly) that I understand if she needs to go and find someone better she just storms off screaming that all I have to do is change and she will be fine... There is no logic in that, nothing adds up. So I'm just seeing this twisted picture that she either likes being angry and controlling, or she just wants a free ride in a comfortable setting where she knows if she screams at me enough, I will give in.

Chance, start another thread with a few wife examples and ask for some NT advice.
She's communicating something but it may not be hatred.
There may be a hidden message underneath it all.
If a toddler says I hate you.. they normally don't mean it.
I figure she misinterprates what you say a lot. Which I've also discovered for myself in less trying circumstances.
Just a thought.

 

[Chance]

Did a quick read, they found you juggling.

Read it again, struggling.

You seem to be a heart on a sleeve type of guy - in written form -on here at least.
It's a shame that you express misery so well. Not a shame you have a talent for expression but that these ignorant people have given you so much material.

For me, you have made a significantly positive contribution to this board in a very short time.
That's something to be proud of, in my opinion.

Thank you for the compliment I think?
Okay I have to admit that I am confused... You asked me on another post if I juggle? I didn't understand so I didn't say anything.

Now you say I'm juggling... I still don't understand. Please don't think I am an idiot but this apparently is flying right over my head. Did I say something wrong or contradict myself? If I did its not intentional.

Perfect example of how I get hung up right here in real life... It didn't click and I'm stuck not knowing which way to go, or what to say?

 

[Chance]

Chance, start another thread with a few wife examples and ask for some NT advice.
She's communicating something but it may not be hatred.
There may be a hidden message underneath it all.
If a toddler says I hate you.. they normally don't mean it.
I figure she misinterprates what you say a lot. Which I've also discovered for myself in less trying circumstances.
Just a thought.

Oh geez you want me to openly ask NT for advice? Wow I feel like a sacrifice all the sudden. : )
Okay I will try it. Maybe there are enough people who are NT's on here. Also the NT's here are mostly trying to understand also, so I think it might be not a horrible public slaughter.

 

[Streetwise]

i think he meant struggling but came out juggling maybe a habit to substitute words ?????????

Thank you for the compliment I think?
Okay I have to admit that I am confused... You asked me on another post if I juggle? I didn't understand so I didn't say anything.

Now you say I'm juggling... I still don't understand. Please don't think I am an idiot but this apparently is flying right over my head. Did I say something wrong or contradict myself? If I did its not intentional.

Perfect example of how I get hung up right here in real life... It didn't click and I'm stuck not knowing which way to go, or what to say?

 

[Fitzo]

No, I don't mind you telling me... Thats why we are here. I don't want to be always second guessing myself (which I will anyway). I sort of think maybe my wife is a narcissist. She can hide stuff so well that she makes me look like a fool. She has to control everything. She talks down to me just like I am a child in front of other people... Not sure if she is a narcissist or not, maybe just a control freak.

I cant hide stuff if I am deeply upset. I think that is one ASD deficiency that I cant seem to grasp real well. My brain just shuts me down, I cant stop it, and that seems to make things worse because she wants to fight, and just go off in my head somewhere safe.

I also think you are right ladies are very good at "masking" and in many ways that is admirable. Also since your doc was a jerk... My stubbornness would probably come out also for me to know one way or the other.

My wife openly states pretty often that she hates me, but she never once has made an effort to leave...
I have even told her (kindly) that I understand if she needs to go and find someone better she just storms off screaming that all I have to do is change and she will be fine... There is no logic in that, nothing adds up. So I'm just seeing this twisted picture that she either likes being angry and controlling, or she just wants a free ride in a comfortable setting where she knows if she screams at me enough, I will give in.

Chance if you really think she is a narcissist there are loads of sites describing traits and behaviors. You will soon recognise your wife if that is the case, but I have to tell you all the advice will be to terminate the relationship and cease all contact. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with a narcissist.

I'm like you in that I can't hide my feelings when I'm upset. I might be good at masking things at other times but when I'm upset.....I'm an open book!

It sounds like a very stressful situation you're living in. I don't know how you cope.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Thank you for the compliment I think?
Okay I have to admit that I am confused... You asked me on another post if I juggle? I didn't understand so I didn't say anything.

Now you say I'm juggling... I still don't understand. Please don't think I am an idiot but this apparently is flying right over my head. Did I say something wrong or contradict myself? If I did its not intentional.

Perfect example of how I get hung up right here in real life... It didn't click and I'm stuck not knowing which way to go, or what to say?

No you got it fine, it was a joke yesterday and today.
When I scanned read it I thought of yesterday..
I guess when you think about it the words aren't that different.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Chance, start another thread with a few wife examples and ask for some NT advice.
She's communicating something but it may not be hatred.
There may be a hidden message underneath it all.
If a toddler says I hate you.. they normally don't mean it.
I figure she misinterprates what you say a lot. Which I've also discovered for myself in less trying circumstances.
Just a thought.

Not a bad idea. If Chance give examples, it would also be good to know was she always this way after marriage, what things set her off, how does she usually express her frustrations, and is the reaction immediately after she feels wronged or delayed, or both, and does she try to annoy him in subtle more passive ways too? Does she resort to her confrontational attitude and upsetting behaviors daily, or on occasion?

Also, does she have a good side to her, too, or mostly consistently bad? What things does she love besides perhaps herself and for him to do what she wants? Has her moods been fluctuating, or mostly static, or progressively worsened through time? Does she fear being alone or act needy, or is she very independent and strong enough to be alone? Why does he think she acts this way? Built up frustrations, some condition, to get what she wants, to get him to leave, to get a reaction back from him, etc?

I was curious how she interacts with her family, too? Does she
act different to them? How does her family treat her and him? So Chance, if you ever start a new thread, some of those answers could help.

 

[Chance]

Chance if you really think she is a narcissist there are loads of sites describing traits and behaviors. You will soon recognise your wife if that is the case, but I have to tell you all the advice will be to terminate the relationship and cease all contact. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with a narcissist.

I'm like you in that I can't hide my feelings when I'm upset. I might be good at masking things at other times but when I'm upset.....I'm an open book!

It sounds like a very stressful situation you're living in. I don't know how you cope.

I cope because ASD isn't always the curse it seems... I used to be unthinkably good at just zoning out and shutting down to the point I didn't even know what was going on around me. I could have been killed and I guess I would have never known it...

I lost that ability for a long time, not real sure how... I think I was trying so hard to fake being an NT caused some bad internal conflicts. I couldn't continue to fake what I wasn't, so I started having panic attacks and depression... (This was before I knew I had ASD). However then I started going back to being able to just "zone out"... I don't know what its really called. It's not meditation because I'm never relaxed when this happens. But its kind of like a brain hack that takes me mentally out of what I cant deal with at that given time (sort of like a trance)?

My one thing I do wish to get rid of is "mulling." I will just get hung up on something in my head and it just stays there... See the other thing is for a physical confrontation... But then this crap from a confrontation gets buried in my head and just starts roaming through my thoughts. I have mentally go convince them to leave and switch thought processes to something else, and those stupid thoughts may come back in 3 minutes or 3 days, and I have to go in my head and chase them away again... Sounds totally ridiculous... I cant even believe I just allowed this out... I guess at this point I'm just shameless.: )

I also cope by KNOWING that we grow from our struggles and by KNOWING that so many people have things far worse than my messed up melon can even conceive. I don't like self pity, or really even people feeling sorry for me... Just help guide me out of it, is all I ask. : )

 

[Chance]

Not a bad idea. If Chance give examples, it would also be good to know was she always this way after marriage, what things set her off, how does she usually express her frustrations, and is the reaction immediately after she feels wronged or delayed, or both, and does she try to annoy him in subtle more passive ways too? Does she resort to her confrontationsl attitude and upsetting behaviors daily, or on occasion?

Also, does she have a good side to her, too, or mostly consistently bad? What things does she love besides perhaps herself and for him to do what she wants? Has her moods been fluctuating, or mostly static, or progressively worsened through time? Does she fear being alone or act needy, or is she very independent and strong enough to be alone? Why does he think she acts this way? Built up frustrations, some condition, to get what she wants, to get him to leave, to get a reaction back from him, etc?

I was curious how she interacts with his family, too? Does she
act different to them? How does her family treat her and him? So Chance, if you ever start a new thread, some of those answers could help.

I will... This isn't fair to be doing this here... I derail things too much. Sorry everyone.

 

[Streetwise]

you are taking your thoughts captive quote from the new testament

I will... This isn't fair to be doing this here... I derail things too much. Sorry everyone.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I will... This isn't fair to be doing this here... I derail things too much. Sorry everyone.

No need to apologise, i dont think you've derailed anything. Either in mine or anyone elses opinion (guess)

Keep going just the way you're going

 

[wight]

I have mentally go convince them to leave and switch thought processes to something else, and those stupid thoughts may come back in 3 minutes or 3 days, and I have to go in my head and chase them away again... Sounds totally ridiculous

Doesn't sound ridiculous at ALL, I have to do the same thing.

 

[Chance]

you are taking your thoughts captive quote from the new testament

Now how do I send them into exile??? : ) They just get angry and come back?

 

[Streetwise]

i think thats where you pray for deliverance new word for casting out demons thats the new testament bits ive remembered
or its doing it multiple times

View attachment 38418

Now how do I send them into exile??? : ) They just get angry and come back?

 

[onlything]

I cope because ASD isn't always the curse it seems... I used to be unthinkably good at just zoning out and shutting down to the point I didn't even know what was going on around me. I could have been killed and I guess I would have never known it...

I lost that ability for a long time, not real sure how... I think I was trying so hard to fake being an NT caused some bad internal conflicts. I couldn't continue to fake what I wasn't, so I started having panic attacks and depression... (This was before I knew I had ASD). However then I started going back to being able to just "zone out"... I don't know what its really called. It's not meditation because I'm never relaxed when this happens. But its kind of like a brain hack that takes me mentally out of what I cant deal with at that given time (sort of like a trance)?

My one thing I do wish to get rid of is "mulling." I will just get hung up on something in my head and it just stays there... See the other thing is for a physical confrontation... But then this crap from a confrontation gets buried in my head and just starts roaming through my thoughts. I have mentally go convince them to leave and switch thought processes to something else, and those stupid thoughts may come back in 3 minutes or 3 days, and I have to go in my head and chase them away again... Sounds totally ridiculous... I cant even believe I just allowed this out... I guess at this point I'm just shameless.: )

I also cope by KNOWING that we grow from our struggles and by KNOWING that so many people have things far worse than my messed up melon can even conceive. I don't like self pity, or really even people feeling sorry for me... Just help guide me out of it, is all I ask. : )

Your zoning out sounds like what I call a shutdown. Just disappear. This person describes it better:
Where I Go When I Shutdown

I think that your potential new thread could become profitable not only for you but also for others. Your wife so far sounds like some people I've known before. Understanding what they expect and want would defnitely make things easier in the future, maybe even prevent severe breakdowns.

 

[The Midge]

<Snip>
However after my first encounter with my GP I know it won't be easy. He immediately assured me I didn't have it, he would KNOW if I did, he'd never come across anyone diagnosed as a mature adult etc etc.....
<Snip>
I think doctors and mental health professionals are still falling for the trap of looking for stereotypes and not recognising that is a spectrum disorder.

What rock is your GP hiding under? Send him to us. Or Coventry.

Mind you the first time I talked to the GP about AS he said exactly the same thing. My significant other got me referred for testing through a specialist agency. She is not bad a screening for ASC herself. So not all health care professionals are like that.

 

[Fitzo]

What rock is your GP hiding under? Send him to us. Or Coventry.

Mind you the first time I talked to the GP about AS he said exactly the same thing. My significant other got me referred for testing through a specialist agency. She is not bad a screening for ASC herself. So not all health care professionals are like that.

As much as I was totally unprepared for his reaction, I think he meant well. If something is completely out of your realm of experience I guess it's easy to assume it doesn't exist. In saying that it shows a certain amount of arrogance that unfortunately seems to go with the turf for medics.
Anyway at least when he saw how upset I was getting he backed off and I have to go back on Wednesday for a long consultation and referral.
He's only been in practice for 13 years, but I was surprised I was the first adult to present as AS. I guess that reinforces why so many women are going undiagnosed or misdiagnosed.

 

[Katleya]

Yes precisely what I'm talking about! Thanks for drawing it to my attention. I might print it out and take it with me to my next appointment....... alongside the sheaf of other data I have now collected He'll probably take one look at it all and decide I'm OCD......even though I'm actually not!

Found a more detailed one that might be more worthy of being printed: Girls with autism are getting a rougher deal than boys because our assessments are so male-centred