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The dreadful, annoying, "how are you?"

Granta_Omega

Granta_Omega

Well-Known Member
Am I the only aspie who really hates this greeting more than anything?

It feels to be the most forced, non-authentic, and meaningless way to begin a conversation. I also really dislike the fact that I am expected to say it back.

"How are you?"
"Fine, and you?"
"I'm good."

It sounds so stupid. It is such an analytic process every time as well as I feel I'm supposed to say something but don't know if I'm up to it, or how to say it without it sounding cheesy or dull. I just never ask anyone how they are because it is uncomfortable to me.
 
Nope... I can relate to this. I'm not fond of it either. Though online I don't really have issues with it I guess. In real life, that's where the entire handshake and "how are you doing?" thing bothers me more. I can't see how someone is actually doing online, as opposed to online, where someone might be in a good mood... where it just seems silly to ask "how are you?" and probably get a response like "good"; which essentially is pointing out what someone perceives already.

On the other hand, how does one go to engage conversation with someone? I think most ways to start a conversation are similar to "how are you?". I'm not sure if starting a conversation blaring off something that happenend recently would make the conversation less awkward for example.

So the main question is; if it bothers you, how would you go to start a conversation? And how can you assume that the way you would like to start a conversation doesn't feel uncomfortable for others?
 
My psychologist point out the handshake issue. He said I didn't seem to have a problem with handshaking and it seemed very natural. I guess that wasn't an issue of mine. I don't like the "how are you?" though. Normally I may just ask what they've been up to lately, or another open ended question that makes for discussion instead of just a closed ended question. Normally, the issue is I don't want others to ask me that, but reprimanding people for asking how you are would make you appear to be a dick.
 
A handshake is natural for you, and "how are you?" seems natural for others (and probably to some a combination).

Thinking about it now; I never ask my aspie friend how he is when I meet up with him. Though I ask how someone is doing plenty of times on the chat in this forum.

The worst thing probably is that over here, in my country, people often don't even ask "how are you?" but ask something that roughly translates like "are you doing fine?" to where the honest aspie in my sometimes replied; "No, I'm miserable", which opened a full questioning to why I'm not fine and such. Over time I've learned to answer with something that translates to "I'm taking it easy", which probably is a neutral way, more like "I shouldn't complain".

I think for me sometimes I like closed ended question. I don't always feel like elaborating, though perhaps I just shouldn't engage in social interaction in the first place then.
 
Well, another problem is if I'm not doing okay, I would rather someone not ask if they don't want to know the details. It isn't as simple as just giving a short answer without lying. If they'd rather me lie than tell them what they don't care to do, the question isn't authentic. I also would rather just say "okay," or "fine" without being expected to ask them how they are as well. I don't really want to engage in that kind of exchange honestly.
 
Guess that's one of the main unwritten rules about asking someone how he/she is doing. If someone is not ok, people will ask. Quite often people will say "fine" just to avoid questions.

A few times, I've actually gotten into silly arguments over this entire "how are you" thing. Someone told me "I'm doing great" and I followed with "why?". I mean, if people ask me why I'm not doing fine (and have a reason to do so), I think it's perfectly fair to ask someone why he is doing fine. There's gotta be a reason for this. Otherwise you're kinda neutral... though perhaps I'm putting way more weight in the word "fine" by itself, lol.
 
The "how are you" question is just a bad question full stop. For me, the answer always depends on my cycle. I feel a little bad when I blurt out something unexpected. Like for instance a shop keeper asked me how I was and I replied 'having a breakdown'. It had been a long, exhausting day and that was honestly how I felt. He had no answer for that. I remember thinking why ask if you don't want the answer?
If I'm feeling tolerant of this pointless inquiry, I simply reply "fine thank you, hope you are too". Then I move away quickly.
 
Never use to like it but I work in a coffee shop and serving people I frequently get asked this and my response has become so standard and repeated that I string that into everyday life now too. "Hi." "Hi how are you?" "Good thanks how are you?" Routine.
 
It is one of those baffling social rituals that has become pervasive despite the fact that it makes no sense. The handshake thing is especially weird to me since I can think of no benefit whatsoever to someone wobbling mt hand & exchanging germs. My hand was just fine before they felt the need to grasp it & make it wobble up & down 3 times or so.

'How are you' is odd too, since the person asking is doing so in a perfunctory manner: they really do not give a hoot whether or not you are, indeed, fine. In fact, responding truthfully to that question is bad social form: if not flat-out anti-social bad manners. Here in QC, it gets even worse. The custom, when being introduced (or meeting someone) is, more often than not, to KISS on both cheeks (!). This can get you slobbered on a good 20 times at the average social function. That is one of the major reasons I avoid social functions.
 
Is it the Aussies or New Zelanders who say "G'day?" I think that is a pretty nice way to greet people. What's wrong with a simple "Hello?" I think I will start saying that when asked the inane "How are you?" There have been times when I have answered that I am on my way to a funeral. I think part of being an NT is not to question automatic greetings. They don't seem to sweat the small things like Aspies.
 
Ironic that those on the spectrum are regarded as robot-like, when it's NTs who engage in such artificial, robotic chatter! :)

For a long time, I hated "how are you", and would never say it. I had this one manager who wouldn't even let the conversation continue until I did the how-are-you-I'm-good-and-you dance. I quit that job after three weeks!

In the past few years though, I've worked in open-concept offices modeled after tech startups. I've learned to make my peace with "how are you", because it's inevitable that I run into people when getting coffee or water.

After some practice I worked out an algorithm for such situations, and I've found that I can manage the other person's response with my "how's-it-going" tone. If I'm not feeling up to chatting, I do the how-are-you-I'm-good-and-you shuffle in the overly formal manner of a robot programmed for artificial politeness (the NTbot 3000). Then I return my attention to what I'm doing:
  • If I'm in a good mood, it's like I'm not saying--"I'd keep talking to you, but I'm about to prepare myself the most awesome cup of coffee to ever grace God's green earth, and I'm engrossed in that."
  • Or if I'm in a bad mood, it's like I'm not saying--"I'd keep talking to you, but I'm very busy and I've got work to do." Like how on Seinfeld George Costanza discovered that if he just looked stressed and worked up about something, people in his office would assume that he's working hard and leave him alone!
Then the ball is in their court--if they actually want a conversation, it's up to them to think of something personal about me to connect with (because I'm practically never interested in other people's lives), and then, if I feel up to it, I get to talk about myself. If they persist and I don't feel up to it, I have a set of go-to responses that make for good generic, meaningless office chatter:
  • "Man, do I ever need this cup of coffee!"
  • "Geez... is it only (Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday)? This week is going so slow!" (Alternates: "Oh man, it's only Monday...hope the rest of the week goes faster!"/"TGIF, huh? Doing anything fun this weekend?")
  • "So many meetings today... I need to get some work done!" (Whether true or not.)
  • "*sigh* It's just been email after email all day... It's nice to have a break from my computer!"
  • "Looks like it's going to (be a great weekend for doing something outside/rain this weekend)!" (Alternate, for about half the year in southern Ontario: "Wow, is this snow ever going to let up?")
  • And if I'm having a particularly good day: "Great day today--finally getting some work done!" (That suggests to them that actually doing my job is more pleasurable to me than making pleasantries.)
That seems to satisfy at least 95% of NT social situations.
 
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When I ask someone such a question, it's because I really want to know. Especially if I know things haven't been good for that person lately. Asking someone how they are, physically or mentally is a very specific question.

It should never have been intended to be any kind of generic greeting.
 
Attempts to establish a connection with some person, "Hello how are you doing?" ... Get's a response back "I'm doing good" ... No ACK SYN ... Connection refused, no reason ...
 
Yes. I hate this stupid question. I particularly hate the way my mother says it on the phone, it sounds so phony. Just get to the point. I'm sure whether you are well or not is going to come out in the conversation, so why the arbitrary "fine," if later you will reveal that you aren't. Or are, whatever. My husband does it too and I always say "I just saw you, I'm the same as I was then." Finally he apologized and said it's just a habit from work. This thread actually makes me happy because I'm not alone in how pissy that stupid question makes me.
 
I hate that question too. People at my church sometimes say it to me and then walk away before I can answer. Someone in an Aspie group on FB told me that for NTs, it's another way of saying "Hi," so when someone says, "Hi, how are you?" they're really saying, "Hi, hi." So now a question has become a mere greeting. Honestly, I think it's a misuse of the English language.
Personally, when I ask a person how they are, I actually care; I'm not just greeting them, though I often do ask it back when a NT asks me it (and actually stays for a reply), just to appear normal for that short and meaningless interaction.
 
I'm not a fan of this either, but I don't flip out over it. I just go through with it and move on with my day.
 
I've just accepted it as a cultural custom. It's a very personal question if taken literally, but then again, it's not supposed to be. For what it's worth, I work retail, and I have to both ask and respond to this question. If I know the person, I'll be at least a little honest...you know, saying something like, "Oh, I'm hanging in there" (I've been saying that a lot) or just a canned response like "Doin' all right, doin' all right." However, I think the tone of voice I use can sometimes betray how I'm REALLY feeling...so really, it's not something I put a lot of thought into or fret about. Much as I think it's stupid, it's my culture, and sometimes you just have to go along with it.
 
I dunno, I kind of like having a formulaic way of being greeted/greeting someone. It saves me from having to think of something to say, which can only be a disaster.
In fact I usually get pretty confused when the exchange doesn't head down the same old generic path. Like if I ask someone how they're doing and they say they're not doing well, I feel like pulling out a script and saying, "no, that's not your line. See, it says right here, 'good thanks, how are you?'"
But seriously, it's better to have these pre-canned introductions, because whenever people say something unexpectedly to me I can end up like a deer caught in headlights, not sure what to do.
 
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