The Beginning

[Moore]

Hello Everyone,
I'm a 34 year old married man with two kids. I'm a high school math teacher and pursuing my masters degree in pure math. Overall I have a very average life, but I've always felt like something was off. I have gone through a lot of stages in my life from thinking something was wrong with me, to thinking everyone else felt like me but was better at hiding it, to finally the acceptance that my thought process is just different than most people. I've been researching Asperger's and its become somewhat of a new obsession for me. It explains how I feel in a lot of different ways. After extensive research I have no doubt that I possess many of the characteristics of Asperger's, but have no idea if I would actually be diagnosed with it. I'm not really interested in getting an official diagnosis, but I'd love to hear any recommendations on how acquiring this new knowledge may be used to help me understand why I am different and what I can do to improve the social aspects of my life (books, articles, personal experiences, etc..). Here are the main areas that I personally struggle with.

Obsessions:
My wife thinks I'm spontaneous and enthusiastic. I would say it's the opposite, but spontaneous sounds better. The truth is I obsess over things. I find an interest and it takes up so much of my life I have a hard time doing or talking about anything else. I have realized no one shares in my passion for my new found interests and I do my best to avoid speaking about it to others (at least as much as I want too). For example. I've spent about 18 hours in the past two days reading and researching Asperger's. Prior to that I was fascinated with learning to sail and getting a sailboat. By the time I finally shared this new obsession with my wife, I had already calculated how long it would take to retire and live on a sailboat, how much money it would take, and the stages of boats that I would need. I had the next 15 years of my life planned out. My wife, on the other hand, simply sees it as I have never been on a sailboat. She's right of course and will never get the level of passion that I get. Sometimes these obsessions fade and I move on to something new, sometimes they become a integral part of my life. Either way, I realize my obsession to these interests are far greater than what most people would consider normal.

Social Life
I hate social events and will do just about anything within my power to get out of them. I will on a very rare occasion actually enjoy a social event, but this is only if I have a small circle of acquaintances I can spend my time with. I experience a level of anxiety anytime I know I'm going to be around people and I am expected to interact with them. I find myself over analyzing every aspect of the event. I do my best to find out who's going to be there. I can then start planning what I will say and think of responses. Canned phrases is what I have come to call them. I just don't socialize well. I'm OK individually, but with groups I just don't know what I'm doing. I have learned to pretend and put on a show. I'm an actor regurgitating words and phrases that I have experienced fit the given situation. I am rather good at that too I might add.

Planning/Routines
I find myself constantly planning things and creating rules to follow. I have specific routines that I follow and find comfort in following a plan. These plans can be an elaborate, detailed vacation plan or mundane daily routines. By planning the details of my events I am better prepared for handling the little things in life that normal people seem to coast through without a second thought.

Emotions
This is an area that I feel separates me the most from the people I care about. In general, I am a positive person and I would categorize myself as a fairly happy person, but I don't have the range of emotions that others do. I can be quick to temper, but be completely fine seconds after and not understand why others can't move on. I have cut ties for various reasons with people that I should be close to and I am often more bothered by the fact that I know my loss of contact should mean more to me than it does. I know it should bother me more that I haven't spoken to my mother in 3 years. When people are overly upset I don't know how to console them. I know certain things or "canned phrases" to say that are appropriate, but I struggle with understanding and showing that I do care about their emotional state.

Much of what I have discussed in this post are things I have never openly shared with people before. My research in to Asperger's has shown me that there may be other people who think like I do. I realize my initial intro post has grown rather large, but would be interested in what you guys think. Should I continue in to a self-diagnosis or maybe what I experience doesn't actually fall in to the category of Asperger's.

 

[Progster]

Hi, and welcome to the forum. I can relate nearly everything you are saying, and there are a lot of people here with similar experiences who feel like you do. You are not alone and have come to the right place to find like-minded people. I have intense passions, have difficulty socialising, particularly in groups, can be spontaneous at times, and yet create strict rules and routines 8for myself to follow which provide me comfort. I'm a teacher too, and did at one time teach in a high school, but I couldn't cope with the school environment, and lsot my job. Now I do private tutoring. I'm a language teacher; languages are my passion. I wear a social mask in order to work with the students I teach. I'm interested in sharing experiences with other aspie teachers

 

[Tom]

Hi & Welcome,
All the areas you mention are well frequented by Aspies/Austistics. Many of us do not seek diagnosis, but become convinced and are self-diagnosed. That's particularly true I think with HFAs closer to the border with NTs. But many if not most do not have all characteristics and some vary quite a bit from the master list used to diagnose people. Autism can be less a control and more like a push in certain directions and how it plays out in each's individual personality varies quite a bit. For instance its not uncommon for Aspies to have unusually high emotional responses counter to the stereotype and some are real empaths.
For me as a starting point the self examination consisted of determining my motivations and discerning when it was the Aspergers controlling (or trying to) or the NT part of my mind. This can be useful in figuring out your responses and whether they are positive or negative. An example would be insisting on others keeping to some plan you have when in reality it doesn't matter and just causes friction.

 

[Judge]

Welcome to AC. It certainly appears that you have come to the right place to explore such possibilities.

A lot here to read about and interact with us over our traits and behaviors relative to the spectrum of autism.

 

[Beverly]

Hello Moore, I could almost have written your introduction myself except I am female and, a musician, not a teacher. Incidentally, I suck at math so, I admire your skill, knowledge and expertise there.

I also keep my obsessions quiet until I have worked out all of the details, or have made enough progress on actually realizing an obsession driven goal that I need other people to reach that goal. Once I reach that goal, there's no shutting me up about it. Obsession + accomplishment + pride = An Aspie that can't shut up about it. LOL

In my career social events are planned, I have always had access to the guest lists so, I have been able to plan my canned responses and replies. SO predictable, boring but, a necessary evil. Using what I learned there, I have no problem socializing in smaller, impromptu gatherings. With individuals I am rather outgoing but have to me mindful of my filers lest I loose them all together.

I have my routines from simple to complex and, I get upset if I am forced to alter them. I can plan something silently for weeks, then spring the idea of doing it on my husband, who loves to do spontaneous things, thus I appear spontaneous but, I'm anything but in reality, I'm just good at making it look as if I am a spontaneous person.

I don't think it's so much that I don't feel the same depth of emotion as others, more that I analyze the emotion and, whether it would be more productive for me to hold on to it for a time, or blow it off quickly and forget it. Rarely would holding an emotion server me well so, I let go quickly and move on. I also do not express many emotions, it serves no purpose, does not resolve a problem or bring a deceased loved one back, it only wastes my time and energy so, I see no reason to engage in emotional displays other than positive ones directed at people I care for, which improves tier mood so, is useful. it isn't lack of emotion, it's applied logic, observation and, experience.

I think you would benefit from taking the RAADS-R test, it is a self diagnosis test. My score is in my signature. I don't have or want an official diagnosis, I know I am an Aspie, that's enough for me. I can research learn and understand as well as apply what I learn to myself. I have an amazing career, I don't need public assistance or accommodation and, I may have the opportunity to use my station in life to aid those that do require more assistance. I don't need some piece of paper with a doctor's signature to know what and who I am or to do what I can do. (and I have an aversion to doctors in general so that's all the more reason for me not to put myself through getting an official diagnosis.)

Of course it's up to you, but I think a self diagnosis is just as valid as and official one, perhaps more so because who knows you better than yourself.

 

[Moore]

Hello Moore, I could almost have written your introduction myself except I am female and, a musician, not a teacher. Incidentally, I suck at math so, I admire your skill, knowledge and expertise there.

I also keep my obsessions quiet until I have worked out all of the details, or have made enough progress on actually realizing an obsession driven goal that I need other people to reach that goal. Once I reach that goal, there's no shutting me up about it. Obsession + accomplishment + pride = An Aspie that can't shut up about it. LOL

In my career social events are planned, I have always had access to the guest lists so, I have been able to plan my canned responses and replies. SO predictable, boring but, a necessary evil. Using what I learned there, I have no problem socializing in smaller, impromptu gatherings. With individuals I am rather outgoing but have to me mindful of my filers lest I loose them all together.

I have my routines from simple to complex and, I get upset if I am forced to alter them. I can plan something silently for weeks, then spring the idea of doing it on my husband, who loves to do spontaneous things, thus I appear spontaneous but, I'm anything but in reality, I'm just good at making it look as if I am a spontaneous person.

I don't think it's so much that I don't feel the same depth of emotion as others, more that I analyze the emotion and, whether it would be more productive for me to hold on to it for a time, or blow it off quickly and forget it. Rarely would holding an emotion server me well so, I let go quickly and move on. I also do not express many emotions, it serves no purpose, does not resolve a problem or bring a deceased loved one back, it only wastes my time and energy so, I see no reason to engage in emotional displays other than positive ones directed at people I care for, which improves tier mood so, is useful. it isn't lack of emotion, it's applied logic, observation and, experience.

I think you would benefit from taking the RAADS-R test, it is a self diagnosis test. My score is in my signature. I don't have or want an official diagnosis, I know I am an Aspie, that's enough for me. I can research learn and understand as well as apply what I learn to myself. I have an amazing career, I don't need public assistance or accommodation and, I may have the opportunity to use my station in life to aid those that do require more assistance. I don't need some piece of paper with a doctor's signature to know what and who I am or to do what I can do. (and I have an aversion to doctors in general so that's all the more reason for me not to put myself through getting an official diagnosis.)

Of course it's up to you, but I think a self diagnosis is just as valid as and official one, perhaps more so because who knows you better than yourself.

How you explained emotions is right on! It's not like I have no emotions it's just a lot easier to think logically. Over analyzing has always been my thing. You are also so right about looking spontaneous. No one wants to know about the over planning, that boring, but spring a highly organized plan and you sure look spontaneous.

I feel very relieved reading everyone responses and I really feel a lot more normal than I did just a few weeks ago knowing there are others like me. I never really viewed the way I thought as a problem or anything more like quarks that made me unique. For example, last night my wife fell asleep on the couch. I'm a night owl and do all my homework when everyone is in bed. Her just being on the couch was enough of a change of routine that I struggled to get my work done.

 

[camerartus]

Fascinating!

 

[Rocco]

Welcome aboard