Sometimes I really hate being autistic

[The Outsider]

I feel awful right about now. It’s like having Asperger’s has done more harm than good for me. I’m not saying this in an “I want to be cured” way, since that’s probably not an option anyway. Sometimes I feel Asperger’s is a gift and other times a burden. I feel it is very much a burden on me right now because I feel like I’m getting worse over time. I get fixated on things like wanting a sex change and almost no advice surrounding that really seems to make me feel better. A lot of this could be my perfectionism kicking in too. I physically feel more like an effeminate man than a transwoman. I so badly want to feel female. I was even hospitalized over this over a month ago and I felt like they didn’t help. I think the people I talk to regarding transition are going to use my Asperger’s as a strike against me for somehow not “really” being transgender. I really hate this because it’s me basically being told I’m too stupid to understand my own struggles.

I feel my perfectionism has done a lot more harm than good for me as well. I keep thinking things are not good enough and that bothers me. I’ll like to design video games, but my ideas keep changing because I’m so focused on perfectionism. I won’t accept just good enough, instead, I keep pushing. I’m not in any kind of active development because I feel I keep changing my mind and I lack the motivation. Perhaps my drive for creativity has helped a lot, but the perfectionism is a package deal. Also just to make it clear, “selling ideas” isn’t a thing because why would someone want to spend a lot of time, effort, and money to create someone else’s idea and then pay that person for simply having an idea and nothing else? The people who suggest this to me never try anything like this themselves. It’s such a misconception that I don’t understand why it spreads around so much.

I barely feel like I have a place in society. I spend so much time questioning it that I tend to find all kinds of flaws and negative aspects about it. I feel I can get little help from it too. I hate how politicalized the LGBT community has become and how I’m not supposed to say certain things like how transwomen are biologically male or transmen are biologically female. That’s not me saying they’re not the gender they present as. I can’t pretend I’m biologically female when I’m not. I have such a hardline view of the world and I can’t stand anything I consider denialism. This is also why I have such a hard time accepting myself for who I am. I swear being different is still something that’s cause for alarm, not celebrated despite all the talks of diversity I hear about. That’s not to say science is the end all be all in how we understand the world, but I consider it the most valid method of doing so.

I hate being an outsider. I hate not being able to feel like I just can’t be happy. I’m always thinking and questioning things. Sometimes I feel like bursting into tears. I’m so self-aware of all this too. I hate lacking social skills in a social heavy society. Either attempts to learn it doesn’t help much or I find the social norms stupid. I’m not even being very logical right now. Being depressed doesn’t make good things happen, yet here I am doing that anyway. I barely have any energy, I can barely eat, and I feel like even playing video games takes too much effort at times.

Maybe this venting will help me feel better.

 

[Danny 74]

Just be whoever you want to be.....! Accept that you are autistic and embrace yourself for it... Change down a gear and find your neutral space.. We should all be proud of what we are. Head up, and soldier on...! Keep searching for happy times..! They are there, find them....!

 

[toothless]

hi outsider,as a transman;still waiting for testosterone and the op,i really understand your frustration.
is there any support groups around for ASD who are LGBT or have you thought about starting one? the group i goto is an absolute life line and stops me feeling so depressed about being biologically female but it is ran by mencap [well,not anymore,its ran by their splinter charity in manchester;better things] and as such is for people who have learning [intellectual] disability.

i wouldnt listen to all that political correctness that some LGBT folks try and force you to say,if you want to say you are biologically male that is fine,i dont listen to them,if i relate to a word i will use it,but i wouldnt use it against anyone else.

your aspergers and mental health will probably be used against you to an extent,my classic autism,my LD/ID and my mental health is used against me my GP said he wont support me getting testosterone or the op.
the best bet is to try and be as stable as possible,legally change your name now and live fully as that who you identify with,and it will all go in your favour at the gender identity clinic.

you will get there,its just slow,best wishes the outsider.

 

[Datura]

It is sickening that people use Asperger's as a means of denying trans identities. People will try the same thing with any other mental disability/disorder, reasoning that the individuals gender identity is the result of said condition and therefore invalid, or at least that the person isn't capable of making such large decisions. It's infuriating.

As for the LGBT community; I hear you. I have been around long enough that I recall when "genetic man/woman" was the preferred parlance for cis people. While I like the word "cis" I still have no problem with pointing out the biological realities underlying transness. Like, even though I am a woman I have never experienced having a uterus and all that entails, so my opinions pertaining thereto bare no more weight than those of your average man.

And yes; it sounds like you are coping with some serious depression. I am struggling myself. My best advice is to get some fresh air and exercise. Endorphins work wonders. Also; try not to ruminate. If you catch yourself ruminating find something to distract yourself with.

 

[The Outsider]

I should really get back to replying to this topic now. My energy is so bad I barely felt like doing that much.

Just be whoever you want to be.....! Accept that you are autistic and embrace yourself for it... Change down a gear and find your neutral space.. We should all be proud of what we are. Head up, and soldier on...! Keep searching for happy times..! They are there, find them....!

I'm trying, I really am. It seems like my life has hit rock bottom despite how it could be even worse. Suddenly the anxiety is so bad that I lack the energy even for things I would normally enjoy like video games. I think the lack of a job is really getting to me. I'm basically stuck at home all day.

hi outsider,as a transman;still waiting for testosterone and the op,i really understand your frustration.
is there any support groups around for ASD who are LGBT or have you thought about starting one? the group i goto is an absolute life line and stops me feeling so depressed about being biologically female but it is ran by mencap [well,not anymore,its ran by their splinter charity in manchester;better things] and as such is for people who have learning [intellectual] disability.

i wouldnt listen to all that political correctness that some LGBT folks try and force you to say,if you want to say you are biologically male that is fine,i dont listen to them,if i relate to a word i will use it,but i wouldnt use it against anyone else.

your aspergers and mental health will probably be used against you to an extent,my classic autism,my LD/ID and my mental health is used against me my GP said he wont support me getting testosterone or the op.
the best bet is to try and be as stable as possible,legally change your name now and live fully as that who you identify with,and it will all go in your favour at the gender identity clinic.

you will get there,its just slow,best wishes the outsider.

There is a support group that meets every second and fourth Sunday of a month. I only been there once and I really hope they don't turn out to be too politically correct. I was told I was "already a woman" which doesn't help me to feel any better, not with my male body and voice. I haven't looked into a legal name change yet, I'm not even sure I could get that in my current position. I'm also not sure how to live full time as female with my appearance and voice. Even clothes won't help me the moment I speak and sound very much like a guy.

It is sickening that people use Asperger's as a means of denying trans identities. People will try the same thing with any other mental disability/disorder, reasoning that the individuals gender identity is the result of said condition and therefore invalid, or at least that the person isn't capable of making such large decisions. It's infuriating.

As for the LGBT community; I hear you. I have been around long enough that I recall when "genetic man/woman" was the preferred parlance for cis people. While I like the word "cis" I still have no problem with pointing out the biological realities underlying transness. Like, even though I am a woman I have never experienced having a uterus and all that entails, so my opinions pertaining thereto bare no more weight than those of your average man.

And yes; it sounds like you are coping with some serious depression. I am struggling myself. My best advice is to get some fresh air and exercise. Endorphins work wonders. Also; try not to ruminate. If you catch yourself ruminating find something to distract yourself with.

It's so very much infuriating. I can't be separated from my Asperger's and even if that somehow had a factor in things, why should that be a problem? This is why I really hate medical professionals sometimes. What I can't stand about parts of the LGBT community is that they think strictly controlling language will somehow make me feel better. Mentally I feel like a woman, but not physically and no amount of denying how male I am is going to change that. I used to exercise a bit more often but I haven't for the past week or so. I have no energy. I feel like I really hate my life these days.

 

[Datura]

The social justice movement in general seems to place a premium on controlling language. I believe this is because the academic heritage of this movement can be traced back to liberal arts campuses where academics are trained largely in engaging with text and symbolism. One might even say that such people inhabit a world of symbols, at least to a greater degree than the average individual. Controlling language therefore becomes and exercise in not merely controlling the intercourse of ideas, but the very "reality" in which they live.

I have fallen into this line of thinking myself; that the word choices are paramount. Though I still believe this to a degree my current position is much more moderate. For example: I am a woman, or at least I consider myself to be such and demand people address me accordingly. I also know that I have XY chromosomes, lack a reproductive system, and have a mixture of male and female secondary sex characteristics. Thus, when it is germain, I make the distinction that I am a trans woman, as opposed to a cis woman. And yet, one might simply say that the term "cis woman" is redundant, that cis women are simply women, or real women, and that trans women are just "transsexual males" or "shemales" and that is that. Both positions are acknowledging the same empirical realities, and yet assigning them different social significance. Both posit a category - woman - but stipulate different criteria for membership.

I have seen arguments before (specifically between trans activists and trans-exclusionary radical feminists) regarding language. Most contentions seems to be the debate between using the term "cis woman" (preferred by trans activists) or some variation of FAB (i.e. Female at Birth, preferred by TERFs). The terms are completely interchangeable, and yet the implicit meanings within them re-frame the entire conversation. The cis/trans dichotomy was introduced to make the language more symmetrical, thus framing both groups as being equally legitimate. This replaced the former trans/genetic woman dichotomy, which was more asymmetrical and framed non-trans women as more natural, and by extension more real. The term FAB achieves much the same effect as "genetic woman", except that it is employed with the express intent of positioning cis women as more legitimate than trans women. And so debates between these two factions often come down to debates over semantics because both sides believe they can win the text of the debate by controlling the subtext via vocabulary.

Where once I would not have conceded ground on issues of language I now have no problem with calling somebody "FAB" or a "natural woman" if that is what makes them more comfortable. There is a certain power, as a minority, in being able to name ones oppressors, but when that comes at the expense of good will and open dialog it is best put aside. The world is too much with righteous indignation and divisive rhetoric.

Bringing things back to the personal sphere; many assurances one hears in trans support groups are often little more than platitudes. I hate platitudes, and from the sound of it so do you. I wish we could place a moratorium on them. I understand that it is considered common courtesy to spare peoples feelings at the expense of the truth, but then that renders all reassurances moot. Upon realizing the existance of such deceit how can one be left with anything other than a nagging insecurity in every complement paid to them? I try not to say hurtful things to people, but I also don't tell them bald-faced lies just because it is expected of me.

I don't know what can be done about your current dysphoria. Obviously we have never met, so I cannot comment of your voice and habitus, but I will take your word for it. I also do not know if or how long you have been on hormones, or what (if any) cosmetic procedures you have had.

What I do know is that your voice can likely be worked on. I had a very deep voice prior to transition and through a bit of experimentation and regular practice I am now well within the normal female range. I am still a tenor when I sing, but you wouldn't know it to hear my speaking voice. Don't expect immediate results, but with persistence you can train yourself to speak in a different register and strengthen your vocal chords within your new range.